to think that if money is no object you buy a house that fits your children / grandchildren?

[wigglytoes]

If you were buying a second home within a couple of hours of your children's house, and money was no object, wouldn't you go for two bed rather than one so your grandchildren & children could visit you? (You live 5 hours away normally).

My parents are doing this. They're spending £1m on a second home (a flat in London, where they lived until recently) and have decided to look at 1 bed flats.

I feel hurt by this. If I had such an enormous sum of money to spend on a property I'd make sure it had enough room for my family to visit, wouldn't you? We have two young children and the practicalities are that we will visit them much less if we can only see them 5 hours away. If there's no room for us in the London flat we'll hardly see them. They don't bother to come visit us (my mum has probably been to my house about 10 times since I left home 25 years ago).

It seems to me that we're way down my mum's priority list and it hurts. (We'll tbh I've always known this so I don't know why I'm surprised but it hurts to have it confirmed again none the less). I wouldn't mind if they couldn't afford it, or only lived in the one house 5 hours away, or were looking at one beds but keen to make sure a sofa bed fits for us. But it's none of them, it's just not an important consideration for them.

(Regular but namechanged as I'm paranoid a family member might read this btw!)

To be clear, I'm asking if IABU to feel upset at this? I'm aware my parents can do whatever they choose to with their money and their life, that's up to them, but I want to know - would this upset you?

YABU, but probably because you are projecting all your other feelings over your parents into this issue about the flat.

I have a little dream of buying an apartment in central London when my children have set up home on their own. It's highly unlikely to happen, but if it did, I have to say that having room for my grandchildren to stay wouldn't be top of my list of priorities either. I adore my children and I'm sure I will adore any future grandchildren, but I don't think that means I have to factor them in to every single plan I make.

I'd be upset if my parents did this an wouldn't allow me ever to go there or to have the children visit at all, but your parents aren't doing that. They are happy for you to stay, they just don't want to spend the money on an extra bedroom.

They might have done other stuff wrong over the years, but I don't think they are wrong over this. It's only a second home, it would be how welcoming they are in their first home that would make the difference to me.

Thanks for the replies.

frogspoon they haven't moved nearer to us. They've lived in London for a long time. Now they're changing that to having a home 5 hours away, plus a flat in London. They are not doing this to be nearer to us, definitely not. The London flat is because my mum loves London and doesn't want to give up having a place in the city even though they're moving out of town.

Bunbaker "So I think it is odd, but I am family orientated. I couldn't imagine treating DD like that." That's how I feel too, I just don't get it at all. I can't imagine treating my own kids like that.

alpinemeadow I wonder if my dad has really thought this through. The rejection, and the planning of the move, comes from my mum. I'm going to ask him.

midnightinmoscow I know you're right, and that my mum won't change. She does seem to enjoy being a grandmother, and I hoped she'd be different with my kids but it hurts seeing her do it to them too.

I have only read the OP, but I do get where you're coming from.

My parents moved the other year and they bought the tiniest bungalow they could find.

It wasn't so much that we wanted to be able to stay - we only live in the next town - but that the house was so small that I felt we were intruding when we were invited round for an hour or two.

It was like, you go in the front door and you're straight out the back. Also my mother has control issues and so it was all very very tidy and compact and I felt like she was pushing us out, metaphorically.

I got over it, she is supportive to me, they both are, but I hate the way she tried to cram her and dad into a teeny little place. They are now moving again because it is too small!

They probably don't see it as treating you like anything, as this is something they are doing for themselves.

It isn't a snub of you and your children, it's just that it isn't anything at all to do with you.

I think you need to tell them that it hurts you that you don't see them more and that they don't come across as if they want to spend time with their grandchildren, but that's a separate issue.

How is it a separate issue BrokenSunglasses? I cannot imagine buying a home (even if a second one) that meant my children couldn't visit, if money were no object. They are changing their lives, and the effect (even if unintentional) is that they will see much less of us.

No it's not about us, it's about them, but that's the whole point. It demonstrates that we're not particularly high on their priority list.

I'd adopt your MIL as your mum if I were you! They sound obliviously selfish and emotionally fridgid. Come up north and I'll give you a big hug.
Just think what a fantastic grandma you'll be as you won't be repeating your DM's behaviour.

While you can buy a 2 bed flat for £1m in London, you won't be in the same area as £1m 1 bed flat.

That said YANBU to wish that your parents would like to be more involved in your lives. Where is your father in this? Why are you focused on your mother?

I don't think they think of it in the same way you do, OP.

Your mum is thinking "we want a small place in London so that when we go there, we always have somewhere to go". Not "well, now we're buying a second home, we need to buy a house so that on the rare times we're there, our grandkids can come and stay too".

I don't think you should take it personally. My parents are in the process of moving six hours away and while they're buying a four-bedroom house, I wouldn't object if they moved into a small flat. It's upto them what they do with their money and they're under no obligation to have their grandkids stay overnight if they don't want to.

Thanks Queen. DP says all I can do is stop the cycle, and that's not hard :)

I'm focussed on my mother as it's her driving this. My dad is quite absent minded, he's an intellectual type and has his mind on less practical things! So it feels he's a bit absent some of the time. He never makes my feel unwelcome in the way my mum does, however, and I feel genuine warmth from him. He lets her make these kinds of decisions.

I am going to check he's thought it through though.

• I have a family member who has just bought a 1 bed in London, they just want to stay there when they see the sights etc. they have an area and a budget in mind so they will get the nicest space for their needs with a 1 bed. A 2 bed would be further out or not as posh.

London is closer for us but if we want to see them, we go to their main house.

...they wouldn't see London as the place they have visitors as they don't "live" there.

I think you need to spell it out to your dad in small words that you will not be able to stay at this flat, so if they do buy a place without a guest room, they will have to come to you if they want to see the Grandchildren. It's quite simple, spell it out you can't be expected to come to London for the day and their 2nd home is too far to visit more than once a year.

Your dad shouldn't get off lightly here, he's taking the decision to leave this to your mother and is obviously used to being passive in his relationship with you too. If he wants to have a relationship with you and your DCs, he will have to learn to make an effort.

then I'd extend an invite regularly, but don't put yourself out too much. Accept your DCs won't have a normal grandparent relationship with your side, and focus on your PILs.

I get why you are upset.

My parents it DN all the way - they have the room for my DC to stop but it?s been designated DN even though she lives with DSis and is closer and needs it less.

They can't, won't or just don't get why this is upsetting. It's one more thing driven mainly by my Mother saying my and my DC are less important and however much I think I've accepted that something then comes along to show perhaps I haven't.

My Dad has once said something about us stopping Mum soon put a stop to that thinking. Upshot we see them less.

IL however are hanging on to their family home because we can all visit - going so far to buy bunk beds.

I would image it is worth a least one conversation with your Dad.

It wouldn't surpsie me though if they make it harder for you to see them then complain bitterly that they never see you or their GC.

midnightinmoscow I know you're right, and that my mum won't change

Bunbaker "So I think it is odd, but I am family orientated. I couldn't imagine treating DD like that." That's how I feel too, I just don't get it at all

You sound very judgemental about your mother. Has she really been such a bad mother, or is she simply just a different person to you? Not everyone is the same. As an adult too, there comes a time when you can make a decision to move on with your own life and not feel resentment about perceived slights. And they do see you and your DCs regularly. Different people just want different things. Its like as if someone looked down upon you because you weren't a business minded entrepreneur or property developer, and preferred spending time with your family to other things!

So YABU. My guess is that they are looking for a one bedroom property because of lower maintenance/its easier to keep, and their money will buy them a better quality property than if they went for two or more bedrooms. Personally, I think one bedroom flats are rather limited, but its really up to them.

You say you can't imagine being to your child as your mother is to you, but

1 - you are not your mother
2 - your child is not you
3 - you don't know what you will think or feel in 30 years time

I've stole this advice from someone else, but you need to focus on how to have a relationship with the mother that you have, and stop thinking about the mother that you wish you had.

I cannot imagine buying a home (even if a second one) that meant my children couldn't visit, if money were no object.

I understand your feeling on that, but it doesn't mean that your way is the only right way. This isn't a place they are aiming to use for family visits, maybe they just want it as a base for when they are in the city visiting old friends or whatever.

And you said that your mum isn't actively excluding you because she offered to buy blow up beds.

If they bought a two bed place in the area they want, they might still end up having to use blow up beds because a second bedroom wouldn't be big enough for all of you, and if you don't stay with them often then it might seem silly to waste the extra money on a room that will rarely get used and will not meet all the needs of your family anyway. I really don't think that parents who have grown up children with children of their own should have to factor their entire family into every plan they make.

Do you think you would feel as upset about the one bed flat if you felt like you were loved and valued in the other areas of their lives?

It sounds like the London flat is more of a stopover for when they're seeing friends or going out in London. London is a huge and varied place - if a 1-bed flat in the area they want to be in costs £1m, why should they spend that on a 2-bedroomed one in a less favoured area? Plus, crucially, 1-bed flats in a nice part of London are always going to be a good investment. Always.

I'm not saying it's not hurtful, but it's also not forever - they are in a fortunate position, they have the freedom, the health and the money to go wherever they want to go. Chances are they will lose the first two of these things in the next 10 or 20 years or so, so why should they be tied to somewhere close to where you choose to be?

The fact that you're hurt that they don't see you more often I think is a separate issue really. If they got a 2-bed flat, how often would you go and stay, really?

"You sound very judgemental about your mother. Has she really been such a bad mother, or is she simply just a different person to you?"

Honestly? I don't know. I know that I felt desperate for some sign of love and affection as a child, teen and young woman. I honestly thought she hated me, that I was just an irritation to her. Actually that wasn't true at all, but I was 23 before I realised that she valued me at all. "Bad mother" is a strong term, no I don't think she's a bad mother. She's given me lots of opportunities, advice and financial support. She loves me in her own way. (That was not clear to me as a child). But, the effect of her being so emotionally detached (and critical of me) left me with very low self esteem and issues with relationships, which I have had to try to work through and have had an effect on my life. Her daily rejection of me hurt as a child, and although I understand her a bit better as an adult I guess it's plain I haven't come to terms with it yet.

What frustrates me particularly is that she's such an intelligent woman, one of the smartest people I have ever met. I think she should know better! She once told me that she never felt her mum felt proud of her (despite my mum being an incredibly high achiever). I didn't know what to say. Why can't she empathise with me then, if she knows how it feels?

Sorry I'm veering off into all sorts but I'm not sure how to answer your question! Yes she's a different person to me. What I wanted to know in starting this thread was whether it was reasonable for me to be upset if my mum shows we're not high on her priorities, and the answer seems to be lots of other people would feel the same. I find that comforting. I can't change my mum but I don't have to feel I've got unreasonable expectations of what our relationship could be in an ideal world, if that makes any sense!

My DM has always been emotionally detached. My DF can be very selfish. It used to bother me that they didn't come to visit us when my DC were small, but eventually I learned to accept that they had their own (albeit selfish) lives and nothing I said would change them.

So now, they know they're welcome anytime they want to come and see us, but I don't get upset if they don't come. My in-laws have been the opposite and my DC adore them. It used to make me sad, but I realised it just wasn't worth my time or effort.

It sounds like your Mum might have her own reasons for coming across as emotionally detached. Perhaps she parented you in the only way she knew how to, in the way that she was parented.

You say that she would be devastated if she knew how you felt, and that she has given you opportunities, advice, and financial support. I think she does love you very much, she just doesn't show it in the way you need because that's not who she is.

None of us are perfect at this parenting thing, even if we parent in exactly the way we would have liked to have been parented ourselves. I think if you know that she has done her best, you need to find a way to forgive her. It sounds like you are hurting so much at the moment, and if you were able to change the way you think about your mum, maybe through counselling, then you would be able to stop feeling so sad and rejected over this.