to think that if money is no object you buy a house that fits your children / grandchildren?

[wigglytoes]

If you were buying a second home within a couple of hours of your children's house, and money was no object, wouldn't you go for two bed rather than one so your grandchildren & children could visit you? (You live 5 hours away normally).

My parents are doing this. They're spending £1m on a second home (a flat in London, where they lived until recently) and have decided to look at 1 bed flats.

I feel hurt by this. If I had such an enormous sum of money to spend on a property I'd make sure it had enough room for my family to visit, wouldn't you? We have two young children and the practicalities are that we will visit them much less if we can only see them 5 hours away. If there's no room for us in the London flat we'll hardly see them. They don't bother to come visit us (my mum has probably been to my house about 10 times since I left home 25 years ago).

It seems to me that we're way down my mum's priority list and it hurts. (We'll tbh I've always known this so I don't know why I'm surprised but it hurts to have it confirmed again none the less). I wouldn't mind if they couldn't afford it, or only lived in the one house 5 hours away, or were looking at one beds but keen to make sure a sofa bed fits for us. But it's none of them, it's just not an important consideration for them.

(Regular but namechanged as I'm paranoid a family member might read this btw!)

To be clear, I'm asking if IABU to feel upset at this? I'm aware my parents can do whatever they choose to with their money and their life, that's up to them, but I want to know - would this upset you?

"Wt, this is probably an annoying question but do your df and dm know they're welcome to visit you - are they maybe thinking they're being considerate by not imposing on you, leaving it up to you to make the moves etc?"

Good question. I don't generally invite them, I just get the feeling my mum doesn't enjoy it much. She likes being in her own house, she never seems relaxed here. My dad did come down a couple of times to help us move recently and to see DS. This is a new development and I want to encourage it.

Maybe I will have to invite them more. My mum will probably be too busy this year to visit though. She is doing a PhD and that's her priority right now. Will she come regularly once she's submitted her PhD? Maybe, we'll see (I doubt it).

I think what she wants is us to visit them at the house 5 hours away. We will do this.

Loa "It wouldn't surpsie me though if they make it harder for you to see them then complain bitterly that they never see you or their GC." This is what I suspect too.

BrokenSunglasses you're probably right.

YANBU I would always have a spare room, useful for visitors, snoring partners and potentially live in carers!

This smacks of malcommunication rather than an irretrievable relationship.

I am trying to persuade my DM to sell her 3 bed place and downshift to a more manageable 1 bed in a better part of town but she insists on keeping "space for the family". The economics do not make sense. We stay maybe 5 nights a year. We could easily book into a hotel or a b and b and all be more comfortable. The same is maybe true of your DM: the annual cost of an extra bedroom where she is buying (given a 1 bed flat costs 1m) would be very high and it would not make sense to have that costly space empty for occasional visitors when London is stuffed full of hotels. So perhaps she hopes you will visit and she will pay for a hotel (or can you perhaps easily afford a hotel yourself?)

You are feeling rejected by the "signal" your DM is giving but you may be misreading this. You should talk to her, and vice versa.

If I was buying a place to be my main home then I'd have as many extra rooms as I could get for the money I had. If I was in the lucky position of buying a pied a terre that I'd use occasionally then I'd buy no more than I needed. I wouldn't see my little bolt hole being somewhere I wanted to host guests iyswim.

This is definitely part of a bigger picture and not one that could be solved by an extra bedroom

We can't afford a hotel and I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting them paying for one, London hotels are extortionate!

I don't think she'd thought about the logistics of us visiting. I got the impression that when I asked she made up the blow-up-bed thing on the spot. Us not ever staying was definitely an option she was more than comfortable with.

I think I'm going to call and ask her how she thinks visiting each other is going to work.

The way I see it is that it's only school holiday visits. MIL also lives 500 miles away, so that's all our holidays spent visiting family or we'll never see them.

Mind you MIL comes to visit us too. But she doesn't have a lot of money and isn't able to get down here as much as she'd like.

We've never discussed how it'll work when they move as they always said they'd have a place in London, and I assumed we'd continue to see them there.

It's probably just lack of thought, because they're thinking of it as being their second home, not their second home that you will visit.

If my parents were buying a second home I would be astounded if df thought of having a second bedroom (and third as there's 5 of us!) for us to stay. He doesn't think like that. He thinks, "this would be nice for this purpose" and doesn't think through other uses or beyond what the minimum he would need.
Dm would use her imagination, and think "ooh it would be nice to have dgc coming, we'll take a house further out of London and make sure it has enough space to put all the dgc up at once..."
It would take dm a long time to get df to see it the same way (or reach a compromise)

Both parents love us staying, so it's nothing to do with not wanting us, just a different way of looking at it.

But also, you're saying "just a 2 bed", but now our children are older, all 5 (2 adults, 12yo, 9yo and 5yo) of us squashing into 1 room is getting harder and harder. Really 2 rooms is the minimum we need to stay without feeling cramped, and three bedrooms is when it becomes comfortable for more than an overnight drop off. So if they were looking for a 2 bed, you might be thinking "well we really need two bedrooms, they need to look for three..."

If you want to talk to your dm, I think I'd present it along the lines of the hassle of having people sleeping in (what I presume) is the one living room. In particular, when the children are needing to go to sleep at 8:00 and they want to watch TV/chat and the only place is their bedroom or kitchen. That is what I find when we have people staying sleeping in the living room.

Have I missed something here? This is a second home, not their primary residence, why should they buy one with room for you? If they're buying a cool pad in London as a secondary residence they might want it to be their own space, not somewhere to be inviting your DC to run around making a mess etc. You can still visit them in their primary residence, no?

I'll go against the grain and say I don't understand this at all.

To start with, if you're willing and able, it's a very, very good idea to downsize your property in preparation for old age. So many people are eventually forced to downsize because they can't look after a larger property anymore, and if you're going to do it it's far better to do it long before you get to that stage. My elderly aunt has kept her 4 bedroom home because she wants her grown-up sons to still have their old rooms. Combined they are able to visit her maybe a month out of each year, and the rest of the time she just has all this space she still has to clean and maintain. It's a huge burden on her, and it's going to mean she'll need help looking after herself considerably earlier than if she was in a more manageable home. Your parents are making a smart decision looking for something low-maintenance.

There's a massive difference between a million dollar 1 bed apartment in London, and a million dollar 2 bed. They can have an amazing dream home in their ideal location, or a nice place in a good location. I think it's crazy to expect them seriously downgrade their living space because you might want to spend a handful of nights in a spare bedroom each year. They have to live there. You just visit occasionally. Of course they're going to look for something that suits them first and foremost.

If you were a family that lived in each other's pockets, always at the other's house, dinner a couple of nights a week, popping round all the time; if you lived close enough that they could babysit and have sleepovers with your DC regularly, then perhaps they'd have different priorities. But as it is, you're already living very detached lives. And unless you still live in your hometown and they're the ones who moved away from you, you've made the decision to live like that as much as they have.

BTW, a great deal of my friends and family live in 1 bedroom apartments, and they manage to host visitors just fine. If you make it fun, build a little blanket fort , put on a movie etc. your DC will absolutely love it. Your mother suggested an inflatable bed, so obviously she's up for that. It won't be the most comfy visit, but there's no reason you can't still stay there a few nights.

We will probably buy a flat in London(Southbank area) in about 10 years...I would want 2 beds, so a friend could stay.
Personally, I wouldn't particularly consider my childrens' opinions in buying decision..they would be mid/late twenties by then.

It's not usual to head away from DGCs when GPs buy a house imo. It could be a bit of 'OMG we are getting old and there's not much time left for all we want to do' and so DM is being totally selfish and making the most of her later years (the PHD?). Also you could enquire about DM's childhood, were her family close or was it more getting on with it yourself. So she might have this same attitude she was brought up with.

But they don't seem to be considering that one or other of them might have health probs where having family near might be an advantage.

Anyway, OP, your DPs will age, your DCs will grow up and perhaps GPs find more in common with them then, but you need to get on with your own life and appreciate your ILs. Though do make that phone call about the difficulties their new arrangement will make to visits and what if one of them is ill?

I absolutely know where you are coming from-I would be hurt too.
When we downsized to our bungalow it was a priority to have enough room for family to stay.We even put a zbed in the hall for our 16 year old grandson when everyone is here-4 adults and 5 assorted dc in 3 bed house!That does not include dh and me of course.
However-lots of people complain about older people having houses bigger than their everyday needs [or does that only apply to the elderly poor?].

It's an interesting problem - I wonder how posters would respond if the boot was on the other foot - grandparents moaning that the grandchildren live too far away and there was no room for them to stay? Probably something along the lines of your house your rules. Your parents are still quite young and it sounds like they are relishing the idea of having a swanky bolthole in the middle of town rather than a family house in the suburbs for their £1 million. I can see why you are upset - hanging out with their grandchildren is obviously not a priority for them - but reading your post, this should come as no surprise to you so I think you just have to accept that she is happy for you to get on with your life while she gets on with hers. This is not necessarily a bad thing. My DH and I have lived all over the world and have always been quite glad not to be subject to parental pressure making us feel guilty about taking the grandchildren away. At the moment we are back in the UK and have seen much more of them in the last few years, but we don't live in each others pockets and I am glad of that. It sounds as if your mum (like mine) is never going to be one of those constantly on hand for free babysitting and childcare, living her life for and through you, but in any case this type of relationship brings its own problems. Go and see her when you can in her main house (is it in a lovely place??) and continue to invite her to your house. Maybe you can even work it your advantage - might she come and stay in your house with the kids for the weekend and you and your dh can enjoy a lovely weekend on your own in London?

"might she come and stay in your house with the kids for the weekend and you and your dh can enjoy a lovely weekend on your own in London?"

You're spot on with the rest but this would never happen! Not unless DP and I were both in hospital and even then it would be a big ask, I imagine she'd much prefer we ask someone else.

They're not going to offer us use of the flat when they're not there, I don't think. She doesn't like other people staying in her bed.

It is the other way around with us. My mum is/was outraged that when we last moved, we prioritised location / catchment / garden / a house we actually liked, over having a dedicated spare room for her to stay in.

I also have a bad relationship with her, though in exactly the same way - she is unmaternal, selfish and difficult, but thinks she's god's gift to parenthood/grandparenthood. While we do have a front room with space to sleep in and can provide guests with a very comfortable bed there, it's just not good enough, so she huffs off to a B&B after 1 night (all she will tolerate the of the kids running in to see her in the morning). (Newsflash - they would do that even if your WERE in your own spare room...) (But i digress...)

I imagine that like my mum (and my MIL) they may talk the talk but don't actually want or enjoy full-on involvement with small children.

So, I suppose what i would say is you don't have a great relationship, so why see so much of her? It hurts to keep being let down by someone who can't give you what you want. I still sometimes get hurt by my mum, but generally try to keep her at arm's length.

oops sorry I meant " though not in exactly the same way"

Without wishing to blame you, OP, it sounds to me as if from your DM's point of view, you're not being very welcoming to her, either. You say you don't invite her to visit (because she doesn't seem to enjoy coming) and you don't have a guest room for her any more than she will have for you in this flat. I do guess that might be from lack of money on your part, but you could presumably afford more space by moving further out, too. Indeed your remarks that your parents benefited from the rise in the property market and your frankly inaccurate characterization of £1 million in London as being "money no object," sounds to me like a hint of envy on your part, or a fear that you're not (or aren't going to be) as lucky as they were?

I do feel for you, though. Of course you wish for a closer relationship, and you're probably right that your mother (since she WAS the mother when you were a child) is more to blame historically. At your relative stages in life, though, IMHO it's more your responsibility to welcome her than vice-versa. GPs cannot simply ask themselves to stay, especially not with grown-up DDs who have little space and a busy life of their own. She may not respond, and that's hard on you, but at least there won't be any doubt in your mind then.

Seems like not a bad idea to make both parents more aware of the fact that their two home purchases will limit their ability to see you, and that this makes you bad. You might remind them that as DC get older, they will not have time to go up to GPs 5 hours away on every school holiday; there are other GPs and also other places to see and school holidays are not that long.

• makes you FEEL bad not makes you bad!

Be honest and spell it out, the 5 hour away house won't be practical to visit regularly, as they aren't planning to have a spare room in London, they will either have to come to you or not see you/the DGC often. Make it clear, if they have it in their minds you'll be at their 5 hour away house regularly, it might not have occurred it's not a practical for you.

This is a place for your parents to visit, not a place to accept visitors. They want to be as comfortable as they can be so have opted for what must be a luxurious flat that requires less effort to maintain than a large place.

They're suiting themselves. Good for them.

I don't wish to be rude, but it's their business how they spend their money on their home. My mother would, quite rightly, tell me to fuck off if I dared to presume to tell her whet kind of property she should buy, purely to take my needs into account.