to think that if money is no object you buy a house that fits your children / grandchildren?

[wigglytoes]

If you were buying a second home within a couple of hours of your children's house, and money was no object, wouldn't you go for two bed rather than one so your grandchildren & children could visit you? (You live 5 hours away normally).

My parents are doing this. They're spending £1m on a second home (a flat in London, where they lived until recently) and have decided to look at 1 bed flats.

I feel hurt by this. If I had such an enormous sum of money to spend on a property I'd make sure it had enough room for my family to visit, wouldn't you? We have two young children and the practicalities are that we will visit them much less if we can only see them 5 hours away. If there's no room for us in the London flat we'll hardly see them. They don't bother to come visit us (my mum has probably been to my house about 10 times since I left home 25 years ago).

It seems to me that we're way down my mum's priority list and it hurts. (We'll tbh I've always known this so I don't know why I'm surprised but it hurts to have it confirmed again none the less). I wouldn't mind if they couldn't afford it, or only lived in the one house 5 hours away, or were looking at one beds but keen to make sure a sofa bed fits for us. But it's none of them, it's just not an important consideration for them.

(Regular but namechanged as I'm paranoid a family member might read this btw!)

To be clear, I'm asking if IABU to feel upset at this? I'm aware my parents can do whatever they choose to with their money and their life, that's up to them, but I want to know - would this upset you?

May I ask how old they are and if you have any siblings.
I am really struggling to see how moving 5 hours away from you is a sensible idea unless they have family there or are relatively young.
I am presuming your parents think either they will never get older or sick or that if they do they won't be needing you at anytime to help them.
Even if they move into their flat in London there won't be any room for anyone to stay and help.
If they moved closer to you then they still wouldn't see you but you could be there if there was a problem.
Your mother sounds quite horrible frankly. I have a mother who treated me the same way as a child but who changed to being incredibly clingy when my father died.

they must prioritise their own needs above any wish I may have to stay over occasionally.

I don't disagree - and it's not unreasonable but I do think it human to be a bit miffed hurt that OP and her DC don't factor in somewhere in consideration - lots of you can still see us or there is here and here to stop. It reads like OP mother hadn't even thought about seeing OP family.

I think the OP is also worried the the onus to see each other and the accompanying travel will still fall on her and her DC.

Oh, so they are keeping their larger principal place? Then YADBU. Why can't you just visit them there? Comes across like you are putting pressure on them to buy a larger place in London so you can crash there, leave the kids with them and enjoy London inexpensively yourself. £1m may not buy much in the area they would prefer to live in - are you seriously expecting them to buy a larger apartment in an area they don't want to live in just to accommodate your family? Grow up.

I think the money side of things needs to be taken out of this. The OP feels unloved by her mother and therefore a sense of bereavement at a time of change which is moving away from a close relationship rather than towards it.

I understand now (partly because of this forum) that my own mother was/is a narcissist. She is the centre of her world and I have always been an irritant to her. My home and our dc are accessories for her so she can create the impression of that which perfect about her. When our ds was born (nearly 19 years ago) I couldn't belief my love for him and my grief about some of the thoings my mother had done and said. At that moment I knew I had never been the centre of her universe.

You can't change your mother OP or how she lives her live. You can keep open channels of communication.

What you can change is the future and make sure your relationship with your own dc is warmer and closer and more loving.

We are in the process of downsizing our london home (and plan on buying another about a five hour drive away). Our plan was always to move in a mile, north of the river but we had to compromise because our priorities were around maintaining a family home , albeit a smaller one, so we are going a mile further out so our teenage DC continue to have a family home in london - at least until they have homes of their own. My mother would never have done that or thought about it; but I was determined my DC would always be nurtured. All you can do OP is to make life different for your own unit.

Good luck

i don't understand posters saying that they could afford an extra bedroom but not a hotel room. An extra bedroom near Covent Garden would cost easily £200,000. Say Cost of Finance is 5%. That would be £10,000 per annum. If you go on LastMinute.com Secret hotels, you can get a family suite for under £200 per night in a 5 star hotel so unless you stay for more than 50 nights a year that makes economic sense.

Why would the OP be happy for her parents to spend another £200k on a flat (being £10,000 pa in COF) to accommodate her family for a few nights a year but not to spend £2,000 pa for her and her family to stay in a swanky nearby hotel for 10 nights a year? The logic loses me....

(BTW I still understand you do, in fact, feel hurt OP and that that is natural. However it is not logical and perhaps if you can see that then you will not feel so hurt.)

I also believe that with a national housing shortage, it is daft for older folk to have family sized homes just for "occasional visits". Short stays are exactly what hotels are for and they are a much better use of housing stock than having elderly couples rattling round in family homes. Of course, it's different if you all want to live together (and lovely).

PS Am I your mother?