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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK, so AIBU to lock our bedroom door at night?

142 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 07/09/2013 21:43

DS1 is nearly 8 and never wakes us or comes into our bed. DS2 is 3.5 and comes into our bed every night and has done for the last few months. We are both too asleep to get up and put him into his own bed so DH either shoves up or gets into DS2's bed for the night. Suffice to say we haven't had an unbroken nights for ages.

I suggested that tonight we should lock our door in the hope DS2 would find it locked and go back to bed. DH was firmly against this idea and sees it as cruel. So AIBU or is DH?

We really should get up and get him back into his own bed of course, but at 2am this seems an impossibility!

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 07/09/2013 23:22

Glad that wasn't tongue in cheek mrsbonkers. otherwise it would be just me. Alone. Who gives my child the ipad in order to get 5 mins more sleep Grin

CuppaTeaForTheBigFella · 07/09/2013 23:24

I don't understand how you are both too asleep to put him back in his bed, but your DH is awake enough to get himself out of bed and in to DS2's bed...or have I read that wrong? Confused

I'm not sure that if you locked your door you would be relaxed enough to go to sleep. As annoying as it is, I think you should really make the effort to put him back in his own bed. And explain to him, he must stay there. I know it's really hard, DD went though a stage of this for about 3-4 weeks and I was knackered, but she has got the hint now. Thank god!

Lazyjaney · 07/09/2013 23:34

I am a lazy crappy parent And on so many levels really. I work FT, I never read to them, I feed them frozen food. You really have no idea how lazy and crappy I am

Ignore all the supermummies on here OP, you know your kids - do what works for. Returning them to bed is largely useless and just results in you being knackered every day. Fine if you're a sahm, no way to run a working life. We Also used a stair gate thingy across the DC's bedroom door for our wanderer.

MammaTJ · 07/09/2013 23:38

or I guess the other take would be we all do our best

I also work full time and have also been going to college. I really do not think you are doing your best! Not by any stretch of the imagination!!

I am a lazy crappy parent And on so many levels really. I work FT, I never read to them, I feed them frozen food. You really have no idea how lazy and crappy I am. In fact why did I ever have children. Seriously, they would be so much better off with another less lazy crappy mother.

You are almost proud of being crap!! No, you state you are proud!! WTF!

marriedinwhiteisback · 07/09/2013 23:42

You get out of bed and return or you let him snuggle up. End.Of. Locking the door and hoisting the problem to an 8 year old is totally wrong. Clearly your children aren't your priority. Very sad.

usualsuspect · 07/09/2013 23:52

I just used to wake up and find my DS in my bed, he was very good at sneaking in without waking me up.

I could never be bothered to put him back in his own bed.

He grew out of it.

sewingandcakes · 07/09/2013 23:57

You could maybe try putting wind chimes on your door so that you wake up enough to put him back to bed, or, if that's not right for you, make up a bed on the floor for him to sleep in, so he doesn't disturb you.

Night time waking is hard; we've finally got ds3 sleeping in his cot all through the night (it took 13 months!), only to have ds2 (6) coming back into the bed...

Locking kids in or out doesn't feel right to me though.

colourmehappytheresasofainhere · 08/09/2013 00:29

Yabu.... Bit surprised anyone would consider it tbh, sorry.

StuntGirl · 08/09/2013 01:28

The bit I have an issue with is that you'd be happy to palm the problem off to your other child.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 08/09/2013 05:14

And now, you just admitted that you don't read to your children! Do you read your 8 yo's reading book with him? If not, Shame on you!

HaroldLloyd · 08/09/2013 07:13

Locking the door wasn't a great idea no but I think the comments about the OPs parenting are getting a little bit daft.

She didn't actually lock the door you know. She thought about it, spoke to her husband and has since said SHE IS NOT DOING IT.

Crowler · 08/09/2013 07:19

YABVU.

Imagine how you'll feel when the kids are sleeping through the night and you'll know you got there by locking them out.

JulietBravoJuliet · 08/09/2013 07:31

Surely while your dh is taking himself off to sleep in your ds's bed, the logical course of action would be, instead, for him to take your ds back to bed? He won't have to walk any further and would that not solve the problem?

Tricycletops · 08/09/2013 07:41

Fuck me, this thread is vile.

CreatureRetorts · 08/09/2013 07:48

Not reading to your child isn't something to be proud of. I hope you're being sarcastic.

FourArms · 08/09/2013 07:51

I haven't read all the posts because they all seem to say YABU but I'll tell you what I did!

DS1 sleepwalks into our bed. At the time I was bfing & exhausted so didn't notice. He'd fall asleep & the first I'd know of him would be when he was on top of me or hit me in the face (he's a restless sleeper). I'd return him to his bed and then be awake myself.

I put a security lock on our bedroom door with those sticky pads - DS1 would try the door, it would open a little along the chain and then stop, so he'd go back to bed. This could happen 8 times a night.

Over time he tried less often and then he stopped altogether. Smile

The benefit of the chain was that he could talk to us if there was a problem. And the sticky pads rather than screws meant the one time I needed to get out quickly I could pull firmly rather than undoing the chain, and I was out.

BTW - DH was working away hence him not being the returner in the first place.

Good luck!

Lazyjaney · 08/09/2013 07:57

And now, you just admitted that you don't read to your children

Yes, shame on you OP. You have been found wanting by the Perfect Parent Committee and shall be drummed out of the Middle Class Mummy Club forthwith.

Otoh you can now eat Greggs sausage rolls and Froot Shoots without any guilt Grin

Johnny5needsinput · 08/09/2013 07:59

My baby brother was never allowed in my parents bed. He used to cry and I would go and get him and bring him in with me. He got to be a toddler and used to stand in his cot shouting my name.

I still have fond memories of him going deep sea diving in my bed (daft game that involved him being under the covers at the bottom of the bed and my feet being fishes and then the big shark came to eat him up). There are 11 years between us.

Sparklymommy · 08/09/2013 08:02

YABVU if you lock your bedroom door at night.

My father had a partner who used to do this when we were kids. My brother suffered with night cramps and couldn't get to his dad when he needed him, meaning he would come and wake me and he would be extremely distressed.

Anything could happen. What if there was a fire? Or a burglar? Or your son was ill in the night?

FourLittleDudes · 08/09/2013 08:07

That IPad idea is genius. I am stealing it! The thought of extra sleep is making me all hopeful now, fingers crossed :-)

cupcake78 · 08/09/2013 08:24

I feel sorry for your 8 year old if you think its ok for him to put up with something you as parents can't be bothered to deal with! Your eldest needs sleep he's growing and learning.

Appalling parenting locking your door and shifting the problem. What if he's ill or there is a problem or he's had a bad dream? Him not being able to get to you could seriously traumatise such a little mind. You had the children you deal with them!

Do not pass any parenting onto your 8 year old! Read up on the psychological problems early parentification can have later on that adults mental health. You could be damaging both your children simply because you can't be bothered.

atrcts · 08/09/2013 08:38

You say this is a fairly recent problem because you speak of your 3.5-year-old in terms of now waking you Has done last few months which suggests he never used to.

Surely, as with any new behaviour, you would be looking for a trigger? Even if it's a stage (which he will come out of) there is usually a reason for such a stark contrast in behaviour.

It does seem unusual for a child to get to the age of 3.5 and sleep well, then suddenly begins to have disrupted sleep without a good reason. Your job as a parent is to try and establish what that reason might be, and deal with it, not locked doors!

You also say you are "both too asleep" to return him to bed. Usually if a parent is that "too asleep" there is a drink or drugs involved! It's a little bit like saying if your newborn is feeding every three hours overnight you are to asleep to feed them? Not much of an excuse.

Not to mention the psychological impact on children who need to feel they have access to their parents (this does not necessarily include sleeping in your bed though), and the selfishness of interrupting the sleep if an 8 year old child.

Finally, locking internal doors has serious potential consequences in the event of a fire. It's no good saying it won't happen to you, because it does happen to people. Looking internal doors, and trying to find the door handle (much less operate a lock) in a smoked-filled room is very difficult and does cost lives. www.firesafe.org.uk/security-and-fire-safety/

So yes, your husband is right and your idea is very unreasonable.

atrcts · 08/09/2013 08:45

At best, the only compromise I would suggest (but wouldn't use myself as its not the best way forward - whereas parent returning child to bed is) would be a stairgate on YOUR bedroom door, not his. That way he has access to seeing you (but not actually climb into your bed), can talk to you to wake you if needed, and is easy access in the event of a smoke-filled room.

LondonMother · 08/09/2013 08:50

Going off at a bit of a tangent, but it's an important one. It's not a good idea to sleep with the door open (ie ajar). I know the risk of a house fire is slight, but they can happen and they take hold very, very fast. Every year in the UK lives are lost in house fires because of smoke inhalation that wouldn't have happened if the door to the room had been shut. We knew a family with a little girl who was afraid of the dark and was always allowed to sleep with her bedroom door a little ajar. Sadly, when they had a fire she died from smoke inhalation before she could be rescued. The smoke was so thick that her father couldn't make it the few steps from the parents' room to the little girl's. So please never, never lock doors overnight but always give thought to keeping doors shut. And make sure you've got working smoke alarms too.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 08/09/2013 08:50

Oh don't be ridiculous lazyjaney. it's pretty bad parenting not to read to your child. More so than letting them play on the iPad or eat bloody fucking sausage rolls and fruit shoots.