To want nothing more to do with MIL?

[1026mistakes]

I need some perspective on this, I'm a regular poster but name changed because this makes me quite identifiable. Apologies if its long, please bear with me.

About 10 years ago, before me and DH got together, his brother (so my now BIL) was arrested for downloading an indecent image of a child. He said he hadn't meant to, got a caution and nothing more was said. We got a phonecall in April this year, when DC3 was only a few days old, from social services wanting to know if BIL has any contact with our DCs. We said no, he's not that close to DH so he never comes round and MIL comes to us to visit (he still lives at home with MIL). They told us that he'd been arrested again for the same thing as before, the woman we spoke to was obviously surprised that we hadn't been told by MIL as we live literally just around the corner so there was always potential for him to see the DCs. DH phoned MIL to ask what was going on, she said that yes he'd been arrested again but that she didn't tell us because obviously he hadn't meant to do it and wasn't a threat to our DCs. She also told DH not to tell me (though he has already), making it pretty obvious she didn't trust me not to tell anyone. MIL told us it was one image and that his computer hasn't been seized.

Since then she's made it clear that he's done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it, she only told us he'd appeared at Magistrates court afterwards, and that it had been referred to crown court. She told us on Thursday afternoon that he would be at crown court on Friday and that he'd only just found out, I don't believe he would have found out at that short notice. I also found out by looking online that he was in court for sentencing, again she didn't tell us. He got a suspended sentence, as far as MIL was concerned yesterday that was the end of the matter and he'd done nothing wrong and no one would ever find out.

DH bought the local paper on his way to work this morning just in case. On page 15 there's a big piece that says his name, age and address. It also says that police seized two computers, and found over 1000 images ranging in seriousness from levels 1-5 (5 being the most graphic and severe there is), plus videos as well. DH has phoned MIL again, even today she's still insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. DH is happy to want nothing more to do with BIL, but where MIL is concerned he said he can't choose his family, and I do understand that she's still his mum but she's made it very clear where her loyalties lie.

AIBU to tell DH that he's welcome to see her if he wishes but given how she feels about what BIL is and has done that I want nothing to do with her? Should also add that we've both already agreed our DCs will never go to her house while BIL lives there.

Your plan was a fair and reasonable compromise. MiL clearly isn't capable of fair and reasonable. I can't see how you can work with her.

Might be worth trying to cross reference with CPS/police/court/social services to confirm the details of the conviction to ensure the news report was correct. I think it probably was. Not sure how much you'll get out of them though.

Yes, that's my take as well. Your DH was physically abused, your BIL was - it is not unlikely - sexually abused, it sounds like the MIL's role has always been to be the one that the boys protected from bad news although she has to have enabled it really.

I honestly wouldn't try and "force" her to listen to reason, the MAPPA officer, any of those things. She is elderly and ill and has spent her entire life "not knowing" the things that have gone on in her family. She won't change.

OP, honestly, I know it sounds drastic but is moving an option? I'm thinking not just of protecting your DCs from their uncle, and from the inevitable gossip, but also as a way of distancing your family from your MIL and BIL. The fact that BIL lives at home and you still live on the same street paints a picture of a very enmeshed family. Where there is this level of toxicity, I think putting physical distance as well as emotional distance is the best thing.

And I'm sure you are already, but...I hope you are being kind to your DH. I feel very sorry for him, having grown up in that family, and this development must be utterly devastating for him.

In my view, she didn't protect your DH from abuse, and as she is in denial, she wouldn't protect your DC's from abuse.

I feel so sorry for you living so close.

She has to go.

They will not be safe if she is in their lives.

Anyone who would condone child abuse (and she is, she knows the truth) cannot be around children.

I think given the circumstances I would actually be looking at moving away, as far as you can manage.

Actual distance can be useful in getting emotional distance and it will also help to protect your family from the stupid twats who will get names and addresses confused.

I wouldn't bother telling MIL where/when I went.

Yeah, I agree with everyone else. Up until your last post I was prepared to give MIL the benefit of the doubt as she may have been fed a pack of lies by BIL, but her head is clearly firmly in the sand. I think your DH acted quite correctly.

1026 I saw this thread when you first posted but lost it. I wanted to say then how horrific this must be for you and your DH. You did exactly the right thing, and as sad as it is if your MIL isn't interested in knowing anything other than her own 'truth' then you are better off keeping the DCs away from her.

As for the wednesday phone call, do you know how you want to deal with it? Do you want to go so far as blocking her? If not, do you feel able to just repeat 'no, you are not seeing the DCs again, you have been told'?