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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want nothing more to do with MIL?

157 replies

1026mistakes · 07/09/2013 12:38

I need some perspective on this, I'm a regular poster but name changed because this makes me quite identifiable. Apologies if its long, please bear with me.

About 10 years ago, before me and DH got together, his brother (so my now BIL) was arrested for downloading an indecent image of a child. He said he hadn't meant to, got a caution and nothing more was said. We got a phonecall in April this year, when DC3 was only a few days old, from social services wanting to know if BIL has any contact with our DCs. We said no, he's not that close to DH so he never comes round and MIL comes to us to visit (he still lives at home with MIL). They told us that he'd been arrested again for the same thing as before, the woman we spoke to was obviously surprised that we hadn't been told by MIL as we live literally just around the corner so there was always potential for him to see the DCs. DH phoned MIL to ask what was going on, she said that yes he'd been arrested again but that she didn't tell us because obviously he hadn't meant to do it and wasn't a threat to our DCs. She also told DH not to tell me (though he has already), making it pretty obvious she didn't trust me not to tell anyone. MIL told us it was one image and that his computer hasn't been seized.

Since then she's made it clear that he's done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it, she only told us he'd appeared at Magistrates court afterwards, and that it had been referred to crown court. She told us on Thursday afternoon that he would be at crown court on Friday and that he'd only just found out, I don't believe he would have found out at that short notice. I also found out by looking online that he was in court for sentencing, again she didn't tell us. He got a suspended sentence, as far as MIL was concerned yesterday that was the end of the matter and he'd done nothing wrong and no one would ever find out.

DH bought the local paper on his way to work this morning just in case. On page 15 there's a big piece that says his name, age and address. It also says that police seized two computers, and found over 1000 images ranging in seriousness from levels 1-5 (5 being the most graphic and severe there is), plus videos as well. DH has phoned MIL again, even today she's still insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. DH is happy to want nothing more to do with BIL, but where MIL is concerned he said he can't choose his family, and I do understand that she's still his mum but she's made it very clear where her loyalties lie.

AIBU to tell DH that he's welcome to see her if he wishes but given how she feels about what BIL is and has done that I want nothing to do with her? Should also add that we've both already agreed our DCs will never go to her house while BIL lives there.

OP posts:
Purple2012 · 07/09/2013 13:21

She is in denial and that's probably natural. No-one wants to think of their children doing these things. But obviously you need to protect your children no matter what the cost for the relationship with your MIL. I certainly wouldn't be happy with a child of mine going to a house with someone like your BIL.

RedHelenB · 07/09/2013 13:22

Seems unusual to only have a suspended sentence, especially if he has had a caution for the same offence before. BUT, it's not your MIL who has done this & so I don't see why you need to cut her out of your life regarding the grandchildren. Up to you personally if you do or don't want to see her.

acer12 · 07/09/2013 13:24

catsize how can you down load 1-5 in seriousness and maybe the 5's were in genuine error? Once is a mistake twice is a choice .

CinnamonAddict · 07/09/2013 13:24

She asked your dh to keep this a secret from you.
That would be the end of my dc seeing her on their own.
She lives in fairy land.

I would not stop all contact with her but only supervised.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 07/09/2013 13:26

Poor woman. It must be very hard to come to terms with your own son being a paedophile. :(

That said, you have every reason to feel angry and betrayed.

It is awful that you only learnt about what was happening in your own family because social service phoned to warn you of a thread to your children.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to have nothing more to do with her and I would also be considering how much contact I was prepared to allow between my children and someone who would put them at so much risk of harm.

EvaBeaversProtege · 07/09/2013 13:29

catsize I can only speak for myself & my own conscientious reporting - :) Wink

But particularly on a case like this I would be double checking with court services & cross checking with the clerk on the day of the case. (small rural village, not a lot of bigger cases for example, op said this was on pg 15 - in our paper it would be a pg 3 or 5 lead)

Sorry, have went down a leafy lane here, but op my thoughts are with you & a hard choice your dh will have to make.

Pagwatch · 07/09/2013 13:32

I think she is in denial. Denial and guilt are powerful indeed.

If it were me I would put a complete block on going to her house, letting her be alone with the children and, while your feeling is that you don't want to see her, that is fair enough.

But he is her son. She is wrong, beyond wrong, but she will need to adjust and that takes time. We can all look and go 'jeez, I would never see him again' but she bought his school uniform and held him when he had nightmares and loved him.
It's a common reaction. saying 'that woud be it' is easier said than done when it is someone you love deeply.

Abusers damage everyone around them.

Catsize · 07/09/2013 13:57

Well done evabeavers. If only there were a gold star icon thingy...
acer, I think some images are downloaded as groups. Just not sure of the spread of images or videos. '1000 images of levels 1-5' can mean 900 at 1, 50 at 2, 25 at 3 etc. Not sanctioning anything here, please be assured!
OP, think you need a sit down chat with mil so she can explain her stance and you can explain yours.

Original poster
1026mistakes · 07/09/2013 14:09

I think DH said it was around 90 at level 4&5, will check the paper when he gets home.

OP posts:
MortifiedAdams · 07/09/2013 14:13

I most certainly would stop MIL seeing the DCs. If she is just tryong to protect BIL, then she cares not a jot about their safety.

I.would also be wary of her talking about him.and what potentially the dcs would over hear.

HeySoulSister · 07/09/2013 14:25

so what are ss going to do now?

WaitingForMe · 07/09/2013 14:26

YANBU. She would never see me or my kids again. She broke trust and demonstrated an inability to judge situations.

acer12 · 07/09/2013 14:26

catsize I see your point, but it could be also visa versa... A couple at 1 , few at 3 and escalating up to 5 and videos ect...

It must be hideous, earth shattering to find out your son is a pedophile but but ultimately her prioritys should be her grandchildren. The fact she asked her son not to tell op and played it down is a massive red flag! This lady is not accepting the seriousness of this crime and there fore I would never trust her with anyones kids.

If this all goes away Hmm and every one pretends ot didnt happen and by some chance one of ops children or neighbourhood children go round in time to come they would be in danger and MIL would have enabled that.

auntpetunia · 07/09/2013 14:27

MIL has head firmly in the sand. I wouldn't ban her her but would allow visiting only at your house with you present!

KoalaFace · 07/09/2013 14:36

YANBU.

If you are going to allow her to have contact with your DC though I would always want to be present to make sure she wasn't talking to them about BIL in any way shape or form.

The DC as they get older and start to be more independant will have to be told that he's dangerous and they are never to speak to him. If MIL is around talking about him as if he's lovely this may confuse the DC and put them in danger.

I'm afraid I'd be going the no contact route for the whole family with either of them but then I think I've been made quite paranoid by things in my past. So my opinion may not be very fair.

FetchezLaVache · 07/09/2013 14:37

This must be awful for her, but the fact is that she lied to your DH about the severity of the case and then asked him to keep it from you. And even now he's confronted her with the truth she's still downplaying it! Serious judgement issues that her shock/guilt can only go so far towards explaining. In your shoes, I think I'd insist on NC with her, at least for the time being to allow you and your DH to decide what to do longer term.

Viking1 · 07/09/2013 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreetingsFrontBottom · 07/09/2013 14:39

Poor woman Sad. I imagine she can't even admit to herself what he has done. I would not cut her out, but only allow contact at your house.

KoalaFace · 07/09/2013 14:40

Viking explained it better than I did.

Cuddlydragon · 07/09/2013 14:45

I'm very sorry to hear this OP. YANBU and I would understand if you refused MIL access to your children too at least whilst she's still minimising what has gone on. She's put her son before her GC and frankly your BIL over your DH.

Hogwash · 07/09/2013 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

somersethouse · 07/09/2013 14:50

Nightmare ppor you and I am so sorry.

It sounds dramatic I know, but I think I would want to move away. Future implications, reputation and explaining to Dc's if uncle lives around the corner.

OhTheDrama · 07/09/2013 14:50

YANBU I can't believe that she is trying to minimize his crimes when she has young grandchildren herself. If that was me I would not allow access as I don't think she's a suitable role model and has also proven that her judgement is severely lacking.

I wouldn't stop DH from seeing her but hell would freeze over before she would be allowed near me or the kids.

Blueandwhitelover · 07/09/2013 15:01

I think this also has to be thought about from the point of view of OP's friends as it is in the public knowledge via the paper. Would you want your child to be friends with or visit someone who did not go nc with the brother and possible the mother? As a relative of the offender OP will be judged behind closed doors so has to be 'seen' to be protecting her family.
Mother iof offender s obviously in denial and has shown that she cannot make a rational decision regarding this.
I am really sorry that you are having to go through this OP

Pozzled · 07/09/2013 15:06

Yanbu. In your situation, I would stop all contact between MIL and the DCs at least temporarily, while you and your DH work out what is needed to keep them safe.

I might consider allowing some contact after a while, but only if she is willing to recognize that BIL is a danger to your children, and is also willing to stick to any rules you impose.

I'm thinking:

BIL does not have any contact with DCs, ever, under any circumstances.
MIL does not so much as mention BIL's name to the DCs.
MIL never has unsupervised access to the DCs, not even 10 minutes.
Tbh I wouldn't even want MIL having any photos of the DCs while she shares a house with BIL.

I think I would also seriously think about moving house- at some point your DCs will be old enough to start playing out etc and with your MIL's attitude she is likely to enable him to meet/spend time with the DCs- unless you are extremely vigilant.

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