To want nothing more to do with MIL?

[1026mistakes]

I need some perspective on this, I'm a regular poster but name changed because this makes me quite identifiable. Apologies if its long, please bear with me.

About 10 years ago, before me and DH got together, his brother (so my now BIL) was arrested for downloading an indecent image of a child. He said he hadn't meant to, got a caution and nothing more was said. We got a phonecall in April this year, when DC3 was only a few days old, from social services wanting to know if BIL has any contact with our DCs. We said no, he's not that close to DH so he never comes round and MIL comes to us to visit (he still lives at home with MIL). They told us that he'd been arrested again for the same thing as before, the woman we spoke to was obviously surprised that we hadn't been told by MIL as we live literally just around the corner so there was always potential for him to see the DCs. DH phoned MIL to ask what was going on, she said that yes he'd been arrested again but that she didn't tell us because obviously he hadn't meant to do it and wasn't a threat to our DCs. She also told DH not to tell me (though he has already), making it pretty obvious she didn't trust me not to tell anyone. MIL told us it was one image and that his computer hasn't been seized.

Since then she's made it clear that he's done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it, she only told us he'd appeared at Magistrates court afterwards, and that it had been referred to crown court. She told us on Thursday afternoon that he would be at crown court on Friday and that he'd only just found out, I don't believe he would have found out at that short notice. I also found out by looking online that he was in court for sentencing, again she didn't tell us. He got a suspended sentence, as far as MIL was concerned yesterday that was the end of the matter and he'd done nothing wrong and no one would ever find out.

DH bought the local paper on his way to work this morning just in case. On page 15 there's a big piece that says his name, age and address. It also says that police seized two computers, and found over 1000 images ranging in seriousness from levels 1-5 (5 being the most graphic and severe there is), plus videos as well. DH has phoned MIL again, even today she's still insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. DH is happy to want nothing more to do with BIL, but where MIL is concerned he said he can't choose his family, and I do understand that she's still his mum but she's made it very clear where her loyalties lie.

AIBU to tell DH that he's welcome to see her if he wishes but given how she feels about what BIL is and has done that I want nothing to do with her? Should also add that we've both already agreed our DCs will never go to her house while BIL lives there.

i do feel for the mother, and maybe after the shock has worn off she will see sense.

but for now, thouse saying you should only limit contact with her... why would you allow your children to be around some one who held thouse thoughts? some one who is desperate to downplay child abuse? some one who is willing to put the safty of her grandchildren at risk just beacues she doesnt want to belive it?

she is some one who will put her own feelings and pain before her young grandchild and that is not a safe person

YANBU.

Also, don't quite understand your DH's response re his mother: "DH is happy to want nothing more to do with BIL, but where MIL is concerned he said he can't choose his family,"

• What does he mean? He is happy to have no contact with BIL but not his mum? I know it is a decision no-one wants to take but she has deliberately and consciously out her criminal son ahead of her other son, you and, most importantly in this instance, your DC.

Court dates can come up quickly but, as far as I know, you get more than a days notice. She is lying and in a dangerous state of denial - dangerous for your DC.

To my mind you have every right to say no contact to her too.

If she is usually a loving GM I would speak plainly to her and as long as she agreed and saw your views and fears then I would probably allow contact at your house or days out etc.

To all those here, imagine if it was your mother whom you loved and who your kids were fond of - would you be as equally harsh in cutting all contact or is it easier to do that when it's not your mother but your husbands.

If she is usually a loving GM I would speak plainly to her and as long as she agreed and saw your views and fears then I would probably allow contact at your house or days out etc.

This, although I can understand OP being furious with the attempt at keeping her in the dark.

Just a thought, but how much of MIL's information has come from BIL? All of it, would be my guess. So perhaps she's not downplaying it, but has simply been taken in by his lies about the severity of the case and the state of court proceedings -- show her the local paper's report so that she can be in no doubt.

BIL might even be behind the request not to tell OP...

My BILL was in prison for this type of thing. He pleaded guilty, yet his Mum still believed he was innocent. He was denied parole until they paid for a lawyer who coached him on what to say to be released.

This is one reason we live in a different country to them.

You need to go 100% no contact. And you probably need to move as well. MIL will never change.

Trigger warning, TMI.
Level 4 is full penetrative sex between adults and children.
Level 5 is sadism and bestiality.
That is some real nasty stuff. I would never let my kids see either of them again. OP, so sorry for you and DH.

What a nightmare, I feel for you.

I think one of the problems you may face is that your MIL will try to "prove" your BIL isn't a risk by putting your DCs in contact with him, if she can. She's already had a chance after the first conviction to get past the denial and she clearly hasn't.

I know this is a lot to get your head around, but I would think very hard about relocating.

YANBU
I'd also seriously consider moving away.

Wow.

I know someone who narrowly missed jail for downloading a LOT more child porn than that, and the family supported him too. Whether it was denial or "he's been to court, let's draw a line under the whole thing" situation I don't know. But it's not an accident, you know that.

please don't call it child porn. I hate that phrase :(

It's a crime scene. It's an image of a child being abused.

I'm sorry if that upset you.

Does the mil even realise the nature of what her son has been looking at?

She probably has some misty-eyed notion that he has been looking at kids in their pants. I think it needs to be spelled out to her.

Thanks for all of the responses, good to know that the majority agree with me.

Too many posts to individually name check but DCs are 5, almost 2 and 4 months. We had already agreed that BIL would never see DCs before we knew the severity, just deciding what to do about MIL is the issue.

Whoever asked what if it was my mum, I think I'd feel the same, if anything I'd probably actually feel more betrayed. DH can see her if he wants, I will tell DH I want no contact from her for me and the DCs, at least until she can take some responsibility for the situation, and I at least want a full grovelling apology, I guess it was her that chose it to be like this. And I do want photos back, not sure how well it will go down though.

Tbh I think that people who excuse paedophillia are little better than those who practice it, especially as she put her GC at risk. And DH has always said that BIL can do no wrong, as my dad put it, not once, not twice but a thousand times. I just thought that something this severe would have changed her priorities not made her protect him more.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would also go down the root of not letting MIL see your DCs for a few weeks to see if she gets her head out of the sand.

My DHs next door neighbour from when he was younger was convicted of poccession of indecent images of children. I remembered DH and MIL having a massive row because MIL didn't believe it because he was a church goer. Some people are just strange they way they view things.

Lots of people (the bbc!) do it nocarsgo, but I think it's important for people to make the point whenever they see it. Those images are pictures of a real child, being raped and abused. By calling it porn or pornography is giving it a veneer (I use this term lightly) of respectability as if it is on a continuum a bit along from zoo and nuts.

Youthecat, I doubt the MIL will have thought much about it, she will just be determined to deny it all as much as she can. Lots of people do!

X post

Just to add, georgedawes I should probably have said "indecent images of children" but I hate typing on my phone so I went for the short phrase. I was in no way attempting to minimise the seriousness of the thing - I know how serious it is.

I think that's why the press do it too nocars, it's not malicious but it seeps into the public consciousness.

Hi first off (((((hugss))))

Second put house up for sale as you need to move because, you have same name and live close by, parents may stop their kids playing with urs as it was in the paper, He still lives close by and can/will see the kids playing out. For your family to be safe and have a normal you need to move (Yorkshire is nice
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Third go none contact with MIL for the simple reason you cant trust her to protect your child. She lied, put them at risk and tried to divide your family. She has made her bed let her sleep in it.

I would also think about changing our surname as I would feel like this would follow me and I would want a fresh start. I would also be worried she had lied to me and one of my children had been asulted when at her house. It only takes a miunte or a loo break for him to take a photo, have a feel. I could not get over that.

I think it is right to make sure that your children are safe and are not left in risky situations - e.g. along/unsupervised with somebody who might harm them.

However maybe there is a kind of blurring between your need to protect your children, and the anger, shock and distress that you are feeling.

Perhaps a sudden unexplained breaking-off of contact between your children and adults who they are used to seeing regularly - and who they may be fond of, would also create difficulties. The children might feel insecure about sudden changes in the rhythm of family life.

I am not clear - not having read every posting - about how old your children are. But I would be wondering about how to explain in an age appropriate way that their uncle had done something wrong and that the police and courts were involved, and that their grandmother was upset - in fact all the grown ups were upset about what had happened.

The thing is, children are at most at risk of abuse from adults in their family. The OP has a known sex offender in her family. Now is not the time to worry about whether making "sudden changes" affects the children or not. The safety of your children comes first - it has to. You can't get this one wrong, can you? How would you explain it to your children if you did?

It will blow the family apart I've no doubt about it. But as a parent, you have to do that to protect your children. As I said before, I suspect the MIL will try to "prove" that BIL is not a risk too :(

I'm afraid if you live on the same street there will be a backlash from the local community too, probably long term. :(

Your husband's a wally. If my brother were caught doing this I would have nothing to do with him OR anyone who housed his rapist ass.

I think I might want to get advice from professionals at this point. Some people will gain gratification from extreme images, but this may not mean that they try and recreate these scenes in their everyday life.

On the other hand other people who don't access pornography of this type may groom children.

Most children do get told by parents, teachers etc about inappropriate touching, telling people if someone touches you inappropriately etc. It's important to have these conversations at regular intervals.

The (limited) training I've had about sexual offenders has been very much focused on the fact that they target vulnerable, neglected children - and may focus on charming/deceiving parents. When children's parents are not deceived, look after their children appropriately, the risks are reduced.

I am not denying that this is a horrible and distressing situation. I just think it is really important to think hard about children's needs, and access some support from people who have experience in this area.