To want nothing more to do with MIL?

[1026mistakes]

I need some perspective on this, I'm a regular poster but name changed because this makes me quite identifiable. Apologies if its long, please bear with me.

About 10 years ago, before me and DH got together, his brother (so my now BIL) was arrested for downloading an indecent image of a child. He said he hadn't meant to, got a caution and nothing more was said. We got a phonecall in April this year, when DC3 was only a few days old, from social services wanting to know if BIL has any contact with our DCs. We said no, he's not that close to DH so he never comes round and MIL comes to us to visit (he still lives at home with MIL). They told us that he'd been arrested again for the same thing as before, the woman we spoke to was obviously surprised that we hadn't been told by MIL as we live literally just around the corner so there was always potential for him to see the DCs. DH phoned MIL to ask what was going on, she said that yes he'd been arrested again but that she didn't tell us because obviously he hadn't meant to do it and wasn't a threat to our DCs. She also told DH not to tell me (though he has already), making it pretty obvious she didn't trust me not to tell anyone. MIL told us it was one image and that his computer hasn't been seized.

Since then she's made it clear that he's done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it, she only told us he'd appeared at Magistrates court afterwards, and that it had been referred to crown court. She told us on Thursday afternoon that he would be at crown court on Friday and that he'd only just found out, I don't believe he would have found out at that short notice. I also found out by looking online that he was in court for sentencing, again she didn't tell us. He got a suspended sentence, as far as MIL was concerned yesterday that was the end of the matter and he'd done nothing wrong and no one would ever find out.

DH bought the local paper on his way to work this morning just in case. On page 15 there's a big piece that says his name, age and address. It also says that police seized two computers, and found over 1000 images ranging in seriousness from levels 1-5 (5 being the most graphic and severe there is), plus videos as well. DH has phoned MIL again, even today she's still insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. DH is happy to want nothing more to do with BIL, but where MIL is concerned he said he can't choose his family, and I do understand that she's still his mum but she's made it very clear where her loyalties lie.

AIBU to tell DH that he's welcome to see her if he wishes but given how she feels about what BIL is and has done that I want nothing to do with her? Should also add that we've both already agreed our DCs will never go to her house while BIL lives there.

Of course there is the potential that the BIL might harm children in real life. But there is a huge, proven, risk that he is. Who in their right mind would take that risk? If you're wrong the outcome who is too awful. Telling your children about inappropriate touching does nothing if you don't show them with your actions that you're not prepared to accept abuse of this kind. The culture of your family is important and to think that abusers only target neglected children is naive in the extreme. Abuse happens in middle class families too!

It is also naive to abdicate responsibility to "professionals". This is your family, you are responsible for their welfare.

You are handling better than I would.

The fact the you only found out the truth through the papers would be enough for me.

Added to fact you have the same surname and live so close would make me question why she didn't think that you might be a target and therefore needed a heads up is astounding.

Has he been sentenced to sign the sex offenders register? Even if he hasn't (and I'm almost positive these offences require it) I suggest you make contact with the local MAPPA officer for your area - they will work for the Police, but might be a civilian and might not be based in a police station.
MAPPA Officers are responsible for ensuring that a convicted sex offender complies with the requirements of their sentence, which may include not having a computer, and/or not having access to children. Often, they are restricted from places such as playgrounds etc as well.

Your MIL will have met your BIL MAPPA Officer. That is very important, because they will have explained to your MIL the restrictions your BIL has been subject to and how she could be arrested alongside him if she deliberately creates a situation which breaks the licensing conditions.

The fact that the MAPPA Officer has not contacted you suggests that neither your BIL or MIL have been honest about DCs in the family. This should be on record.

Please, please, call up the non-emergency number of your local police, explain who you are and ask to speak to the MAPPA team responsible for monitoring your BIL case; they will, I am sure, give you the answers you need and may well resolve the issue you have with your MIL directly with her.

georgedawes I had never thought of how inappropriate calling this kind of thing 'child porn' is.

You are so right, it totally minimises it as though it is some kind of variation of main stream porn when it is out and out abuse. I will never make that mistake again and will call others out on it from now on.

OP, what an awful situation I really feel for you. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable and I would also want to relocate after something like this as others have suggested.

Main thing is you now know about it and can do whatever you need to do to protect your kids. If that means sacrificing their relationship with their Nan then so be it. That's small price to pay in my opinion, a lesser of two evils. You do what you gotta do.

thanks Bambamb. It's so ubiquitous it's hard to see how wrong the phrase is sometimes, but the more people call others on it the better. I'd be happy if the BBC would stop using it sometime soon!

He was on the sex offenders register last time so I'd assume he must be, I only know what was in the paper but haven't read it myself yet, she's told us nothing.

If he had a sexual offence prevention order(?) would we be informed or would it just be up to him to ensure he is not in the presence of children? We only heard from SS when they initially told us, I guess they must have been happy with DH telling them he would never have any contact with DCs.

YANBU, surely she should be able to see the enormity of the situation?! Hopefully she wasn't aware of his ongoing activity and did nothing, I don't know how anyone can defend peadophila, especially a parent :(

Perhaps I can clarify my take on this one. I had a male relative (older generation) whose behaviour towards female chldren involved inappropriate touching - but not of an explicitly sexual kind. This was at the lower level/end of the spectrum. And in a pre-internet era. My relative's wife was in total denial about this, although I became aware of this inapproppriate behaviour relation to both my stepdaughter and daughter.

My husband and I discussed the situation, and decided to continue limited contact with these (close) relatives, but never to leave the man alone with our children.

It was not a comfortable situation, but we felt that vigilance and strong boundaries were a more proportionate reaction than cutting off contact. In different circumstances, parents will - rightly - make different choices.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.

I would find it very difficult to see her knowing the extent of her lies, especially as she is likely to keep on trying to justify them to you.

I can understand that she might be finding it difficult to accept what he has done, and perhaps the lies are more to convince herself than anyone else. I do feel sorry for her in a way.

But she has potentially put your children at risk by telling these lies, and I couldn't forgive that in a hurry.

Not so serious as your MIL, but my PILs (whom I no longer see) lied to DH about his brother. BIL took a mixture of drugs and alcohol and ended up in hospital as an accidental overdose. PILs told DH that BIL had a serious blood disorder and even went so far as to say it might be a hereditary condition that might lead to a lifetime on medication or even be fatal.

We were worried for BIL but also concerned that DH and his other siblings could also be ill, concerned for our DS and the other children in the family and even believed that the two babies we lost might have died because of this condition. PIL's refused to tell us the name of the 'blood disorder' and it took booking an appointment at the doctors to get DS and DH tested for everything before SIL confessed the truth to us.

Apparently PILs didn't want anyone to think badly of BIL and so thought a potentially fatal hereditary illness that might affect all their children and grandchildren was a better explanation.

So I do somewhat understand how angry you feel. That lie put us through hell, but at least we knew at the end of it that nobody else was in danger and DS was alright.

Which you don't have the comfort of. Your BIL could be a risk to your children, even if only through the risk of them being targeted accidentally or on purpose by someone wanting to hurt him.

I wouldn't trust MIL with them either. You see posts quite often on here where a grandparent has let someone have access to the children in their care when access shouldn't be given. Often it's an absent parent but she may well think she's doing no harm to your children by letting him see them, while still knowing that she's doing wrong and proving that she knows by keeping it from you.

I'd get the court report to find out if the paper was accurate. Would level 5 not mean prison, especially with a previous offence?

Yanbu.

And I would move.

One day your children will be old enough to walk from school alone, and may easily bump into grandma and uncle, or mil even inviting them home.
For now, you can control where they go. In less than 10 years both will be out and about with friends in the neighbourhood, without parental supervision.

YANBU I would be another one who would have nothing to do with her and she would have nothing to do with my children

Horrible situation for you, I think Chinacups has some great advice, I would probably speak to the local station or go in and get some advice, so that this advice can be clearly given to MIL

I'm afraid I would be seriously considering moving.

Not only will people be cautious about their children coming to play but children themselves can say nasty things in the playground.

I would never talk to her again. Clearly she is more interested in her sons 'honour' your child's safety, sadly this is closeTo home for me.

What an awful situation. There have been lots of thoughtful responses above. In your situation I would be very concerned for the safety of my children, particularly because of mil's minimising and denial. I thought the suggestion to contact the MAPPA officer was helpful - it would help you to establish bil's conditions for the suspended sentence & whether these limit mil's options.

If your husband shares a name with bil, I think there's also a risk acquaintances may think it's your Dh. When you've made a decision about contact, I don't think it would hurt to talk to a few friends about this. If there's any school gate gossip they'll be in a position to set people straight, which helps to protect and distance your mediate little family from what your bil has done.

Damn phone typo. My post above should have said immediate family.

Yanbu. She has potentially put your family including your children in danger both from bil but mainly from the people who live in your community: vigilantes and gossips.

You had a right to know what was happening. She has breached your trust in a horrific way.

I would consider moving too.

I'd probably go no contact and move house to avoid potential repercussions from vigilantes. How likely is it that your husband could be mistaken for his brother?

I seriously think you should move house. You only live a few doors away, your mil is lying, denying, and refusing to admit there's a danger to your children. It's very likely she would let your bil see your DCs.

Also they will hear stuff in the playground, people can be very cruel.

I recommend you make it 100% clear to your neighbours, friends, etc, that you have nothing to do with bil and mil, otherwise there will be suspicion of you and your DH as well I'm afraid.

Paper says over 1000 images at level 1, 47 level 2, 88 level 3, 99 level ( and 5 level 5. It's says he has a sexual offence prevention order regarding his future use of computers and mobile phones. What does that mean? Would he have been in breach of it in pub last night online on his mobile?

Yes he would it usually means he is not allowed to use a computer or any Internet accesable device at all.

Oh and yanbu I would to as far as no contact no photos no conversation ever with them both

I do feel for the poor MIL as she must feel a terrible shock and stigma - though I also think there is a genuine chance that she has no idea of the nature and severity of the images ie she is naively thinking they are pouty poses and nude shots etc, not full child rape and even worse

I would not want my child to lose their GM this way, but they would never go to her house and never be left alone with her.

She clearly can't be trusted with them. They need to be told to stay away from bil when they are old enough to understand too. Secrets like that are dangerous.

Am sorry OP, sorry you had to find out via a newspaper report & sorry you've had his shit landed on you.

It's bound to be difficult for his mother to accept, but as your children's mother, you need to protective of them.