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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want nothing more to do with MIL?

157 replies

1026mistakes · 07/09/2013 12:38

I need some perspective on this, I'm a regular poster but name changed because this makes me quite identifiable. Apologies if its long, please bear with me.

About 10 years ago, before me and DH got together, his brother (so my now BIL) was arrested for downloading an indecent image of a child. He said he hadn't meant to, got a caution and nothing more was said. We got a phonecall in April this year, when DC3 was only a few days old, from social services wanting to know if BIL has any contact with our DCs. We said no, he's not that close to DH so he never comes round and MIL comes to us to visit (he still lives at home with MIL). They told us that he'd been arrested again for the same thing as before, the woman we spoke to was obviously surprised that we hadn't been told by MIL as we live literally just around the corner so there was always potential for him to see the DCs. DH phoned MIL to ask what was going on, she said that yes he'd been arrested again but that she didn't tell us because obviously he hadn't meant to do it and wasn't a threat to our DCs. She also told DH not to tell me (though he has already), making it pretty obvious she didn't trust me not to tell anyone. MIL told us it was one image and that his computer hasn't been seized.

Since then she's made it clear that he's done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it, she only told us he'd appeared at Magistrates court afterwards, and that it had been referred to crown court. She told us on Thursday afternoon that he would be at crown court on Friday and that he'd only just found out, I don't believe he would have found out at that short notice. I also found out by looking online that he was in court for sentencing, again she didn't tell us. He got a suspended sentence, as far as MIL was concerned yesterday that was the end of the matter and he'd done nothing wrong and no one would ever find out.

DH bought the local paper on his way to work this morning just in case. On page 15 there's a big piece that says his name, age and address. It also says that police seized two computers, and found over 1000 images ranging in seriousness from levels 1-5 (5 being the most graphic and severe there is), plus videos as well. DH has phoned MIL again, even today she's still insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. DH is happy to want nothing more to do with BIL, but where MIL is concerned he said he can't choose his family, and I do understand that she's still his mum but she's made it very clear where her loyalties lie.

AIBU to tell DH that he's welcome to see her if he wishes but given how she feels about what BIL is and has done that I want nothing to do with her? Should also add that we've both already agreed our DCs will never go to her house while BIL lives there.

OP posts:

GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 15:40

Oh dear. Sorry to hear this. Is there another member of the family that can talk to her? Is there a kindly police officer that could talk to her, perhaps? I know it must be hard, but she needs to know the truth.

Original poster

1026mistakes · 08/09/2013 15:41

I almost feel sorry for her being so deluded that she can't see what he is and would rather believe him and miss out on her GC growing up. It's clearly time we cut DHs toxic mother out of our lives, I guess this was her choice not ours though

OP posts:

FrauMoose · 08/09/2013 15:43

I'm sorry to hear this. Perhaps the thing to bear in mind is that it is the Brother-in-law who has done the actions that are most wrong.

But I can see that you won't feel able to trust somebody who is resorting to this level of denial.

EasyMark · 08/09/2013 16:03

It sounds to me like you would be better off going nc with them.

Your children are young they will get use to the change fast and not remeber.

Its important to focus on your family and to protect them as well as making them happy, content and stable.

Have you discuessed moving?

Kundry · 08/09/2013 16:06

So sad for you and especially your DH. FIL clearly was abusive but MIL has shown you that she was happy to enable the abuse, even if it has taken until now for your DH to see it. Obviously you can't see her again, the DCs will never know and adapt but your poor DH seeing that even the nice memories of his childhood are rubbish as MIL didn't care about him.

Flicktheswitch · 08/09/2013 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FixItUpChappie · 08/09/2013 16:11

I would be concerned about her babysitting and letting BIL see the kids behind your back. I work in a field dealing with such matters and family can live in utter denial whatever evidence is presented. The children's safety needs to come first.

I would consider moving too TBH.

MissStrawberry · 08/09/2013 16:15

If this was me I would not be seeing her ever again and neither would my children.

I know it is hard when someone does something bad and children are involved as my MIL has done something unforgivable and I didn't handle it well at the time so she still sees my children but if she does anything else similar that is that.

Your MIL doesn't think he has done anything wrong - is that because she thought it was "just" one picture? - so therefore her judgement can not be trusted and I would keep my children well away from her. Who knows what she might do for your BIL when she can't see how wrong his behaviour is.

FixItUpChappie · 08/09/2013 16:15

just saw your last post OP....sounds like you and your DH have got good heads on your shoulders and your boundaries seem appropriate.

SlobAtHome · 08/09/2013 16:22

I felt sick reading all of this. I just can't imagine what you and especially your poor DH is going through.

You are doing the right thing. x

PedantMarina · 08/09/2013 18:22

So sad to hear your update. Not surprised, though.

Hugs to you and strength to your family.

Hogwash · 08/09/2013 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cocolepew · 08/09/2013 18:39

Sorry to hear it hasn't gone well.
You both know that you are doing the right thing.

Original poster

1026mistakes · 08/09/2013 18:58

Thanks all. Her denial is simply shocking, she hasn't even read the piece in the paper because she doesn't want to. I think kundry is spot on, she clearly simply refuses to believe that abuse is taking place because she doesn't want to believe it, and I honestly don't believe she could have not known DH was being abused by FIL.

DH is quite cut up about it but not surprised which is the worst thing. He said he knew she'd take his side before he even went round there, and that there was no chance I'd get an apology. Lies really do tear families apart I guess. I don't want to move but no idea how this is going to work when I see her in the shop etc.

OP posts:

Vatta · 08/09/2013 19:02

Oh dear, sorry to hear yr update. You can ask the court for a copy of the actual case report - if she sees that, spelling it all out, maybe that would convince her that bil is lying to her and force her to deal with it? I assume she won't think the court just lies about it (I don't know though, she sounds pretty much able to fool herself so far).

Realistically, if you stay living on the same street, it will be impossible for you to stop her seeing your DCs, especially as they get older and play out etc. you can't trust her to protect them, so you need to move if you possibly can.

Pozzled · 08/09/2013 20:13

Sorry to hear your update. This will be so hard on you all- having the two of them just round the corner and knowing that between them they represent a clear danger to your DCs.

Did your DH tell her that she won't be able to see her grandkids? How did she take that?

Original poster

1026mistakes · 08/09/2013 20:28

He told her if she wanted to keep seeing DCs she would have to agree to those terms, then she started defending BIL and said she wouldn't apologise to me because she hadn't done anything wrong. He said as he was leaving that she wouldn't see them again. Knowing her she'll phone on Wednesday like she normally does as though nothing has happened.

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 08/09/2013 20:47

Would you be able to get the police to come visit her and tell her exactly, graphically what her son has been doing?
Or maybe, I'm not sure if CEOP could give some advice.

Pozzled · 08/09/2013 20:52

I think you're right- she''ll try to carry on as though nothing has happened. Because as far as she's concerned it hasn't. Don't be surprised if she turns up on your doorstep and tries to cause a scene if you don't let her in.

ElsieOops · 08/09/2013 21:00

This probably doesn't help much, but apparently (seen on a TV doc, so it must be true!) it is very common for families to be in complete denial when family members are convicted of more or less any crime. I agree with your decision but think it might be worth keeping it a bit open to give her time to come around when she realises the consequences. And agree with the others that getting a court report or info from police to really open her eyes would be good.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 08/09/2013 22:06

Would you be able to get the police to come visit her and tell her exactly, graphically what her son has been doing?

The MAPPA team should visit to check he's complying with the SOPO - especially if it includes restrictions on computer/Internet use - it would be very unusual for anyone who shares a home not to have been spoken to; although they can't share any info without the offenders permission, they will be gathering intel about the likelihood of reoffending etc, and in this case it sounds like the Offender would have support from the OP MIL, with whom he lives.

Catsize · 08/09/2013 22:37

OP, I am so sorry. And as others have said, her denial is not uncommon. Such denial is particularly distressing when the parent of an abused child sides with the adult family member. Your mother-in-law sounds a bit like mine - she always sided with my dad over physical abuse of me, and when my uncle started acting a bit weird, sided with my uncle and had him round for lunch, Christmas etc., so as not to upset any apple carts. Even though we had a proper sit down face-to-face chat about past stuff when I was very pregnant with my son, she was still in denial etc. I know she would have chosen my father over my brothers and me. And that is quite hard. She is perhaps of a similar generational mindset. I agree now that you should have no contact, at least you and the children. If your husband wants to maintain phone contact etc., of course he can. Also agree that it will be hard to live nearby, but see how it goes for a bit so as not to uproot the children perhaps. Also expect a breezy phonecall/visit as you predict. That is what my mum would be like!

PedantMarina · 08/09/2013 22:50

Sorry, to butt in, I have read the thread over and over, after my beloved PedantMarina went to bed I suppose I should post separately but forgive me.

From examining your last post I am now sure that your mother in law must have known about FIL abuse.
Her guilt and shame over the things in the past is probably causing her denial that her favorite son is guilty now. After all she did nothing to stop the FIL abuse and thus helped to create her son's mental map she just "didnt see it or any of the signs" as she is blind to it now. Don't trust her

Cheryzan · 09/09/2013 06:32

I'm wondering if the reason BIL is the favourite son is because she knows of terrible things that happened to him as a boy and she feels guilty that she did nothing to stop it at the time.

FIL physically abused your DH. What did he do to golden boy?

Blueandwhitelover · 09/09/2013 08:01

I have been thinking the same as Cheryzan.

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