To expect DS's dad (exp) to stay in paid work and not go to college because his girlfriend will support him ?

[prettywhiteguitar]

He has been paying £120 a month for 5 years now he has decided to go to college, his girlfriend is a primary school teacher so obviously can afford to run their house together and a brand new mini.

He is ok (not brilliant at keeping in touch with ds) generally a but shit about stuff like taking ds on holiday ie will go with girlfriend but not take ds.

Argggggh just wasnt expecting this !!

I want to rant to him about responsibility but it will fall on deaf ears, he is the most selfish adult I have ever met. I retrained when I was at work at evening classes why can he do the same ????

so he wants to retrain to presumably get a better job?

I think yabu - has he said he won't be paying maintenence or are you presuming? do you have a private arrangement or csa etc?

He should work and continue to support Your DS but he probably will go to college in spite of anything you may say!

We won't tell me I had to ask his girlfriend so he will be hiding out until the next time he comes for Ds.

I have no issues about him trying to better himself but I know it will be some kind of music producing course or something else which won't be particularly vocational. He lives in a relatively poor part of the north, I moved to get a better job, he just thinks he can do what he likes as me and Dp will always provide.

Because he neither wants nor has to? You technically didn't have to either.

Why can't he retrain and work ? Like most parents who have responsibilies ????

And that is exactly why peach single mothers have a shit time, the dad doesn't have to contribute

Has he resigned from his job, or has he been made redundant/laid off/sacked and he's decided to go to college instead of looking for a new job?

Yes, he should either cut his hours or study at night to ensure the financial support continues as you are doing your part.

If you were proposing to quit and go to college, i suspect the answers would be different though.

No he started off managing a bar/restaurant when we were together on a really good wage, left that and worked part time bar man, then left that and had been a full time bar manager at a venue then full time barista, will obviously go part time in that to go to college

His wage has steadily gone down whilst he's been with his girlfriend, it annoys me that it's obviously a joint decision for them, but it affects Ds too ?

I'm going to tell him Dp has decided he doesn't want to support his son anymore and has decided to leave work and go surfing everyday. I am going to close down my self employed business which is flexible round childten and smoke weed and chill out

See how he fucking feels

Yup he's told me he's not paying a penny

What a wank stain. He's shirking his responsibilitys if his girlfriend is happy to support him, then she should be aware that DS is one of his responsibilities so she should foot that bill as well IMO. But I know it won't be a popular one!

I suppose if a RP decided to leave a low paying part time dead end job to retrain they would commended and could apply for grants /loans / tax credits to support their child. The same financial options aren't available to NRP so if he is genuinely retraining in the hope of getting a better paid job maybe cut him some slack, if you can afford to.

If he was a woman would you say the same thing?

DH is older than me and he worked, while I studied.

Of course if he's doing it to avoid paying maintence, whith no intention of getting a better job, that might be U.

I suppose if a RP decided to leave a low paying part time dead end job to retrain they would commended and could apply for grants /loans / tax credits to support their child.

But those grants/loans/tax credits would mean that the child wouldn't suffer a drop in living standards because of the decision of the parent

What OP's ex is proposing means that she has to plug the gap as his decision will mean he won't pay her a penny in the meantime, and that is why it isn't a comparable situation.

The very least he should do is work enough part time hours to have £120 a month to pay her.
If his girlfriend is happy for him not to contribute a penny to their household, then that is her right to do so. It doesn't mean OP should have to suck it up as well, especially as she wasn't consulted and it was just presented as a fait accompli

If a RP decides to take a big financial hit, money wise it has zero effect on the NRP. He/she will not be asked to make up the shortfall.

It makes me laugh when NRP's who go into education suddenly think that's their ticket to not having to pay for their child. I, like many other LP's, went to uni when my son was 5. I didn't suddenly think "wahay, no more school shoes/food etc for DS". As a responsible parent I supported him.

YANBU. There's so many evening courses and Saturdays courses now that there's no reason he should quit his job. My exp is making noises about going to university to get an art degree. He says he will continues to pay maintenance but its doubtful going by all the other promises he makes and doesn't keep. He says he has no idea what he wants to do after his degree, he just wants it

Okay I'm going to go against the tide here. My nephew had sex with a girl at 19 and got her pregnant. He was on a 'year out' between A levels and Uni. The plan was always to go to Uni as the career he has wanted requires a degree.

He asked the girl to have an abortion but she wanted to keep the child. They were boy friend/girl friend for a short spell but it wasn't going to be a marriage and life long partnership.

He didn't go to Uni and did dead end jobs with rubbish money and gave a percentage to the girl for his son. 3 years on, the child is now 2 1/2 and in a week my nephew will be going to Uni. His child will get no money from him for the 3-4 years he is at Uni. However, the money he can earn once a graduate will be considerable and the child will benefit from that in later years.

It could be argued that this is 'unfair' on the child and the girl, but my nephew has a right to having a career and live his dreams too.

Is my nephew selfish or was the girl to keep a child that was clearly not wanted by my nephew?

So he should stay in a job he hates until his son is 18?

He is not unreasonable to want to go to college. Plenty of single mothers do it and get supported by child tax credits and student loans, they get praised for trying to better themselves, and it shouldn't really be any different for a man.

I think any parent who wants to train should work at the same time, but if it's ok for women to do it, then it has to be ok for men to do it too.

PMDD, your nephew is doing the right thing by going to university IMO.

Who set the £120 a month, and have you been going through the CSA?

Personally I think the student loan system should take non resident dependents into account when deciding the amount of available loan. Obviously I'm talking about cases where both parents want to do what is best for their child in both the short term and the long term and not cases where the NRP will do anything to avoid paying for their child.