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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DS's dad (exp) to stay in paid work and not go to college because his girlfriend will support him ?

104 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 16:17

He has been paying £120 a month for 5 years now he has decided to go to college, his girlfriend is a primary school teacher so obviously can afford to run their house together and a brand new mini.

He is ok (not brilliant at keeping in touch with ds) generally a but shit about stuff like taking ds on holiday ie will go with girlfriend but not take ds.

Argggggh just wasnt expecting this !!

I want to rant to him about responsibility but it will fall on deaf ears, he is the most selfish adult I have ever met. I retrained when I was at work at evening classes why can he do the same ????

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 08:35

I didn't think the OP was claiming, I just said that plenty of women go back to education when they have children and don't work and people respect that decision, so it has to be acceptable for a man to do the same.

OP, talk to him by all means, but I don't think you are likely to get far if you continue to insist that his GF should be in any way financially responsible. She isn't. Concentrate on getting him to contribute if you need him to, not her.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/09/2013 08:59

Of course its acceptable for a man to do it not that all nrp's are men as long as he is able to make sure his child is receiving some funding obtained by him towards daily life.

:

Toughtimes30 · 04/09/2013 09:07

Will he/she continue to support your ds? If so then I can't see a problem if not then there's an issues

wink1970 · 04/09/2013 09:08
  1. why the hell should his girlfriend pay for your child? It's not her responsibility. Would you pay for her child if the situation was reversed?
  1. If you CSA'd him, then the minute he goes back to work his payments will be adjusted accordingly - presumably upwards, if he is training for a better job
  1. You have a job, therefore you will presumably get tax credits to cover the shortfall when & if he stops paying.

IMO, You are reinforcing the stereotype of ex-wives who think they are entitled to run their ex's life. Sure, his timing is crap, but it sounds like you'll be better off when he gets a better job, and subsidised in the meantime....

lunar1 · 04/09/2013 09:12

Is the girlfriend not going to pay the bills either? After all they are just as much his responsibility. Or is he making sure she is covering everything to feed and house himself but his son doesn't matter? I thought parents were supposed to put their children first.

Chunderella · 04/09/2013 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SPBisResisting · 04/09/2013 09:16

Agree with lunar. The gf is not responsible for the child. But if this cocklodger man has negotiated with her that she will support him financially while he swans about then surely he will have agreed with her that she will honour all his financial commitments. His share of the gas bill is not her problem either but I bet she's paying that

StephenFrySaidSo · 04/09/2013 09:26

wink Op's wages or tax credits ( if she gets any) will not be increased to make up the shortfall that her exp will be creating! You dont get more just because your childs other parent decide to opt out of their financial obligation!

MsVestibule · 04/09/2013 10:26

wink, I really don't think the OP cares what her ex does with his life, as long as he continues to pay the already paltry amount he has in the past.

stephenfry's post of 19:35 sums it up well for me. I don't think there's anything wrong with the OP's ex retraining, but why should the OP and her child have to suffer? The CHILD maintenance payments should be top of his list of priorities, not off the bottom of the list.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/09/2013 10:32

"why the hell should his girlfriend pay for your child? It's not her responsibility. Would you pay for her child if the situation was reversed?"

wink, that's not the reverse. The reverse would be if the OP's husband gave up work and had a child from an earlier relationship and paid child support.

And frankly, if his girlfriend is financing him through studies, then his child support should be regarded as one of the priorities to be met; above his phone contract and whatever else she is going to be picking up the bill for. Otherwise, she is facilitating his behaviour. I have no sympathy for her if that is what she is doing.

HuglessDouglas · 04/09/2013 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen · 04/09/2013 13:38

The main difference between the PWC stopping work to retrain and the NRP stopping work to retrain is that the PWC is still doing the job of caring for the child. They're not off spending all the money in the pursuit of their own goals. They are trying to pursue their own goals while spending most of their money on housing, feeding and clothing a child while also taking primary responsibility for that child's care.

Vastly different.

Life is not fair. Sometimes people's lives take a dramatic change when they get divorced or get a girl pregnant in their gap year. It happens. Doesn't make anyone feckless, selfish or worthy of punishment. However, if children are involved, it does make them responsible.

It may not be fair for the NRP in this case to give up his degree. It may not be fair for the 19-year-old student to give up his degree either because of a momentary lapse of judgement or some failed contraception, but both these men are adults. It's a lot fairer for them to have to come up with a plan B than it is to expect their innocent children to go without support.

Thousands of people in the UK have had to change their career plans or abandon them altogether because of life events. Mothers particularly. What makes these two men any exception?

They're not being marched off to prison or being told they can't do a degree. They're simply being told that they are not as free to pursue these options as someone without children because they have a responsibility to a child they created. That's life.

Dahlen · 04/09/2013 13:40

As for the NRP's GF. She should not be expected to contribute as the child is not her responsibility. However, if it were me in her situation (and I have been in the past) I would consider it an obligation I had taken on by default (by living with the child's father and being a unit).

sparechange · 04/09/2013 13:45

Can someone, anyone, tell me what is stopping this guy doing a couple of shifts a week at a bar or coffee shop to get together the £120 a month to pay OP?
At minimum wage, we are talking about his working somewhere in the region of 6 or 7 hours a week to earn enough to maintain his payments for his child.

And I struggle to believe his course is going to be so demanding and time consuming that he couldn't give up a couple of evenings or a weekend day to do a bit of work.

comingalongnicely · 04/09/2013 13:52

Can someone, anyone, tell me what is stopping this guy doing a couple of shifts a week at a bar or coffee shop to get together the £120 a month to pay OP

Would you honestly do shit work just to give it straight to someone else? If he can get away with not paying at all why on earth would he do this?

OptimisticPessimist · 04/09/2013 14:00

It's not "giving it to someone else", it is paying for his child who he has a legal and moral responsibility towards. People all over the country are doing "shit work" to pay for their children, so given that this man has no childcare constraints and aside from his time at college can work freely, then yes he absolutely should be expected to do this. He may not be able to be legally compelled to do it (just like those NRPs who choose to stay unemployed or as SAHPs to avoid maintenance responsibility) but absolutely he should morally be expected to do it.

StephenFrySaidSo · 04/09/2013 14:04

Comingalongnicely i do 'shit work' (literally- im a cleaner) everyday to feed my children and make sure thy have all they need. It isnt what i dreamt of when i was a teen but you know what i had kids and they come first so while i put the plans in place to get to the dream i do what i have to to make sure they eat in the meantime. I could decide tomorrow to be an architect and start a lengthy course but my dcs would still need to eat during those years so i would still have my hands down toilets as many hours as it took to keep them alive and healthy.

BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 14:05

Can someone, anyone, tell me what is stopping this guy doing a couple of shifts a week at a bar or coffee shop to get together the £120 a month to pay OP

The same thing that stops some other single parents from working. They don't need to because the taxpayer will pick up the tab for their children.

Yes, a PWC is the one physically caring for their children if they claim benefits and don't work, but they are still only doing half the job they need to to support their child.

I'm sure that if people in the position of the OPs ex could go and fill in a few forms for money, then he would, but that's not an option open to him.

OptimisticPessimist · 04/09/2013 14:10

Yes, a PWC is the one physically caring for their children if they claim benefits and don't work, but they are still only doing half the job they need to to support their child.

It's still half a job more than an NRP who neither pays towards his child's upkeep nor provides a large proportion of their care.

BrokenSunglasses · 04/09/2013 14:20

Yes it is, but it still wouldn't put the PWC in a position to complain if their ex stopped paying maintenance.

I know that the OP isn't in that position though.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 04/09/2013 14:25

A PWC is in the position to complain about their ex not paying maintenance whether they are on benefits or not. Where the PWC gets their income from does not affect the fact that the other parent should also be contributing (whether that's from wages or their own benefits).

OptimisticPessimist · 04/09/2013 14:27

So a PWC that's only doing "half a job" Hmm shouldn't expect at the very least "half a job" from the NRP?

And actually, as PPs have said, the PWC equivalent of not paying maintenance is more like not claiming any of the benefits that your children are entitled to and therefore completely failing to ensure that your children are fed and clothed. My XP doesn't have to worry about the finance OR care of his children because he knows I am there to pick up the pieces. The fact that those pieces are provided (currently) by the benefit system doesn't negate the fact that his behaviour is unacceptable. He hasn't seen them for over two years, so he's already failed on the "care" part of his job. I don't see why he should get away with the "finance" part just because, as a direct result of his behaviour, me and the children are currently reliant on the benefit system.

SaucyJack · 04/09/2013 14:42

I'm sure that if people in the position of the OPs ex could go and fill in a few forms for money, then he would, but that's not an option open to him.

Nor should it be an option open to him Hmm because there's nothing (such as the "minor" inconvenience of having small children 24/7 to take responsibility for) to stop him working.

Are you now seriously suggesting that because some people are entitled to claim benefits, that nobody else in the country should be expected to work for a living either? Because you sound ridiculous.

Or is it just that you despise "weak" women who have the misfortune to end up on benefits so much that you think neither they nor their children should have the audacity to expect even the most basic of moral and legal rights from the great and almighty penis possessors in their lives?

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/09/2013 17:42

Saucy I'm pretty sure its because s/he thinks they are a better person than people on lower incomes.

At least that's how the posts come across

SPBisResisting · 04/09/2013 17:45

"StephenFrySaidSo Wed 04-Sep-13 14:04:54

Comingalongnicely i do 'shit work' (literally- im a cleaner) everyday to feed my children and make sure thy have all they need. It isnt what i dreamt of when i was a teen but you know what i had kids and they come first so while i put the plans in place to get to the dream i do what i have to to make sure they eat in the meantime. I could decide tomorrow to be an architect and start a lengthy course but my dcs would still need to eat during those years so i would still have my hands down toilets as many hours as it took to keep them alive and healthy."

Excellent post. Basically it's what separates decent people from scum tbh.