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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DS's dad (exp) to stay in paid work and not go to college because his girlfriend will support him ?

104 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 16:17

He has been paying £120 a month for 5 years now he has decided to go to college, his girlfriend is a primary school teacher so obviously can afford to run their house together and a brand new mini.

He is ok (not brilliant at keeping in touch with ds) generally a but shit about stuff like taking ds on holiday ie will go with girlfriend but not take ds.

Argggggh just wasnt expecting this !!

I want to rant to him about responsibility but it will fall on deaf ears, he is the most selfish adult I have ever met. I retrained when I was at work at evening classes why can he do the same ????

OP posts:
StephenFrySaidSo · 03/09/2013 19:35

Put it this way, i bet the OP's ex still finds a way to pay his phone bill, his food costs, his rent, his travel costs. Whether that is through his student grant/loan or through agreement with his girlfriend he has found a way to ensure those financial obligations are met yet the most important one (the life of his child) he sees fit to just drop and not worry about how his needs will be met. It says so much about our society that this is deemed acceptable by some.

DollyTwat · 03/09/2013 19:36

Unfortunately op there's nothing you can do about it
My ex fuckwit h gave up his job as soon as an attachment of earnings was put on him, he hasn't worked since. Well he does cash jobs, no-one can prove he earns it

Nothing I can say will shame him into buying as much as a pair of socks for dc

It's shit and you have my sympathy

flippinada · 03/09/2013 19:36

Apologies for hijacking your thread with my mini-rant, prettywhiteguitar. Yanbu but as you ca see your ex has 'rights' which, after all, is the most important thing. And you seem to forget he'll be paying loads when he gets that amazing job, of course.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/09/2013 19:38

Broken, its a double standard in both real life and on MN. The NRP is slated if they dont provide or pay the minimum CSA yet the PWC can be on benefits or work very few hours so most of the income is from the state but its apparently ok Hmm

StephenFrySaidSo · 03/09/2013 19:38

The point is broken glasses, whether a parent claims benefits or earns enough to not need any help in the form of benefits they are making sure that money goes towards feeding,clothing and housing that child. They arent claiming/earning and walking off with the lot leaving the child to fund it's own existence. And as far as i know OP is working.

EstelleGetty · 03/09/2013 19:45

Do you mind me asking what course he's going to do, OP? Different courses require different amounts of actually being there at the college/uni. I know it sounds unrealistic, but I know quite a few people who've done full time degrees whilst working near enough full time. Hell, I know folk who worked full time whilst doing full time PhDs. There's no excuse for him to stop working if he can balance work and study, which a vast percentage of students do.

If working, say, 4 days a week isn't feasible with study, he could study part time.

SleepyFish · 03/09/2013 20:23

Yes Happymummy and perhaps if NRP's parents actually provided for their child and you know cared for them in the physical sense the PWC would'nt have to claim benefits and could work more hours.

OP YANBU, children need food everyday, somewhere to live. You can't opt out of providing that for a few years why the fuck should it be okay for him to do so?

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 20:46

youre all making me feel much better thank you, hes studying aboriculture

most peole can work whilst doing the course, I studied horticulture and worked at the same time

hes just trying to opt out of responsibility, I said that he needs to sit down with gf and work it out and hes said that its just not that simple

well it freaking is as far as I'm concerned, he just wants me to say ok, dont worry we both work dont worry, but I'm pissed off and I'm not letting him get away with paying absolutely nothing . Its not fair on Ds and its not fair on Dp and I, we work bloody hard and buy everything for Ds, his dad literally does bare minimum

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 03/09/2013 20:47

This thread saddens me. Of course YANBU and anyone who even disagrees 0.01 per cent needs to go and take a long hard look at themselves in the mirror.

NRPs should not have the right to wake up one morning and decide that they no longer fancy spending any more money on ensuring that their child is fed and clothed because they can't be arsed to pay any more. If the RP made that same choice they would (quite rightly) end up on charges of child neglect and when I'm elected PM I shall make not paying a similar crminal offence.

I just cannot believe it's 2013 and people are still championing the rights of deadbeat dads to fuck their children off as and when it suits them.

racmun · 03/09/2013 21:07

Unfortunately there are fuckwit parents, mothers and fathers, who don't support their children, regardless of whether the relationship between the parents has broken down.

It's not solely restricted to NR fathers as some posts suggest.

They are and would be shit parents regardless of the set up there are some parents who are quite frankly too lazy to work full stop. It's just a bit more obvious in a split family re maintenance etc.

You can't change that

it's not the girlfriend's responsibility to pay maintenance for a child that isn't hers,

SeaSickSal · 03/09/2013 21:18

If he's been working in bars and as a barista then realistically he does need to retrain.

If he does it while he's working it is going to take a longer time and presumably you will be getting lower payments during that time. If he's doing it full time then the time you are getting no payments will be shorter and after he's retrained and got a better job (faster) you will be getting more money.

In the long term this might be good for you and end up with you better off.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/09/2013 21:43

"NRPs should not have the right to wake up one morning and decide that they no longer fancy spending any more money on ensuring that their child is fed and clothed because they can't be arsed to pay any more. If the RP made that same choice they would (quite rightly) end up on charges of child neglect"

Thousands of PWC and couples dont work so are not paying for their child either, other tax payers are. Its not always NRP who dont support the child.

NRP should of course pay but so should the PWC, both chose to make a child so both need to take financial responibility. The OP works but many lone parents berate their exs over money yet dont work so a little pot kettle black.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 03/09/2013 21:51

I think its slightly harder for a lone parent to work than it is for a NRP. I'm limited by childcare availability and can't be as flexible as many jobs demand so (when I'm well enough to work again) I struggle to get even basic jobs because they all want weekend availability and different shifts each week which doesn't work. I'd hazard a guess that its slightly easier for my ex to work considering he has no other responsibilities. Him waking up one day and deciding not to work is a completely different thing to me struggling to find a job due to my lack of flexibility.

SPBisResisting · 03/09/2013 21:51

This sort of thing separates the men from the menchildren.
What makes men think they can just opt out of fatherhood because they wake up one day and having a child gets in the way of their plans a bit. We all feel like that from time to time. Almost all women and most men then realise that they are a parent. responsible for another human being and get over themselves.

SaucyJack · 03/09/2013 21:55

No, it's not the same thing at all HappyMummy and even the most vociferous benefit basher should be able to appreciate the difference.

A RP who has made a claim for benefits has still (whether you personally approve of the "lifestyle choice" or not) taken steps to ensure that there is money coming in to fed and clothe the child, and heat the home. A NRP who does not pay has done nothing to provide for the child.

The child itself does not care whether the food on his/her plate is funded by the taxpayer or a parents salary. S/he only cares that the food is there.

LtEveDallas · 03/09/2013 21:59

So what about a NRP who remarries, has another child and becomes a SAHP to that child. Should the new spouse pay if the SAHP has no income?

Or same scenario, but NRP works part time, can still pay, but at a reduced rate? Should the new spouse pay the 'shortfall?'

What if that means the new spouses own child has less? Is that fair?

and the kicker...

If the NRP, who is now a SAHP to the second child, offered to become PWC to the first child? If current PWC cannot 'afford' to live without the Ex's contribution, and NRP offers their 'care' rather than their money, should that be considered?

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 22:02

Problem with arb work is that it's largely working for someone self employed and he will be pretty low down the chain so he will not be earning loads. I'm not bothered what he earns but what does bother me is that he thinks that he can just stop any support for his child, as he feels like it.

I found out today and he starts college today so no warning at all. The guy is an irresponsible twunt and also a cocklodger by mn standards

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/09/2013 22:17

Happymummyofpne - a RP is working even if on benefits because they are caring for the child,

DollyTwat · 03/09/2013 22:22

The problem is that whatever anyone thinks the nrp should do, no one can make them. If they want to be irresponsible there's nothing you can do except make up the shortfall

I know I'm bitter about my ex, but I've worked as a single parent and paid for everything since my dc were born. Exh feels no shame or obligation

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/09/2013 22:25

Saucy, will agree to disagree. Where either a PWC or NRP doesnt work then they are not supporting their child nor paying for everything that child needs. Others are.

You make it sound like they are doing something great by applying for benefits, its a few forms fgs not rocket science. A PWC on benefits is the same as a non paying NRP. Both are quite happy to let others pay for their choices in life.

OP, karma will catch up with him at some point.

travailtotravel · 03/09/2013 22:30

Its ridiculous. Can you insit he starts having more regular overnight contact with your child as you have to increase your hours to pay for the shortfall so he's going to have to do more practical stuff instead ...

It's no resolution really but its a bit of a headfuck back at him - he should of course WANT to care for his child but that's beside the point.

And it might also start making a point to his girlfriend too ...

RedHelenB · 03/09/2013 22:40

Mo, the NRP is not looking after the child whilst the RP on benefits is, And if they aren;t, SS will be involved, not so with the NRP.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 04/09/2013 08:09

I would love him to take more responsibility having him over night but I always get the excuse he's at work, he really doesn't feel any obligation and does his one weekend every other week because that's exactly the amount of actual parenting he's prepared to do.

I am just going to repeat to him that him and gf need to sit down and find a way to contribute

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 04/09/2013 08:28

Broken and happymummy

What makes you think this op claims benefit,nothing at all suggests she does so why try to turn this into benefit bashing.

HuglessDouglas · 04/09/2013 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.