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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DS's dad (exp) to stay in paid work and not go to college because his girlfriend will support him ?

104 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 16:17

He has been paying £120 a month for 5 years now he has decided to go to college, his girlfriend is a primary school teacher so obviously can afford to run their house together and a brand new mini.

He is ok (not brilliant at keeping in touch with ds) generally a but shit about stuff like taking ds on holiday ie will go with girlfriend but not take ds.

Argggggh just wasnt expecting this !!

I want to rant to him about responsibility but it will fall on deaf ears, he is the most selfish adult I have ever met. I retrained when I was at work at evening classes why can he do the same ????

OP posts:
dandydorset · 03/09/2013 18:25

if he was going to continue his monthly payment then it would not be anything to do with you

if he stops paying then it is your buisnness and yanbu in that case

Hissy · 03/09/2013 18:28

I'm sorry, but if I were in a position to support a man through retraining, PART of that support would be understanding his financial obligations.

If I couldn't afford to cover them all, i'd expect him to work to finance them.

He can't just stop paying child support fgs!

DrCoconut · 03/09/2013 18:31

YABU. Education leads usually to a better job and more money. You can't seriously expect someone to pass up the chance to better themself? It's short term in the big scheme, the end result should be worth it. I'm assuming its not a strategy to avoid payment when saying this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/09/2013 18:37

"We won't tell me I had to ask his girlfriend"
So you're on speaking terms with your X's girlfriend? I'd be very tempted to put the cat amongst the pigeons there. Be all concerned and tearful, tell her to watch out, if she has children with him to remember he has form for avoiding financial responsibility for his children. But I am a bitch.

needaholidaynow · 03/09/2013 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hermioneweasley · 03/09/2013 18:44

I'll bet anything that OP won't be getting an increase in maintenance if he gets a job at the end of the course.

In the other post about the nephew, if he didn't want a child he should have taken responsibility for contraception.

Dominodonkey · 03/09/2013 18:44

YANBU - He should work part time (1 day a week should do it) to pay his child support. That way his girlfriend supports him but your child does not suffer. Other alternative (if you can manage without the cash) might be that he does not pay while studying but pays double when he returns to work.

racmun · 03/09/2013 18:49

If you were still together and he lost his job or was going off to retrain there'd be a drop in household income- it's the same now. He can't give your ds what he doesn't have/earn.

Also it's pretty unlikely that he is going to resign from work just to avoid maintenance it would appear to me that he's doing it to better himself and hopefully earn more in the future, and will pay you more maintenance.

If he is studying then is there any chance he could look after your ds a bit more to help share the cost?

needaholidaynow · 03/09/2013 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 18:51

I know what's doing now and he could get a job, he's actually retraining in my field of work

He's trying to bull shit me but it won't work

Btw ds was a very planned baby and ex is just shirking his responsibility, I worked when I retrain in this field and had a mortgage and lived on my own

He is being a grade a arse

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 18:55

Oh and you're right CSA set the payments

He only pays when shamed into it

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 18:56

As far as I'm concerned he and his girlfriend should be paying the maintenance

They decided to do it as a joint decision

They have a new car she's a primary school teacher in her 3rd year

Why can they pay nothing ????

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 19:00

He will end up with a job paying around £8-9 per hour

I have worked in the industry for 6 years and I'm on £15 per hour and I work 10hr days to get the jobs finished

He will not work a 10hr day hes too lazy

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 03/09/2013 19:02

It's nothing to do with what she earns, your child isn't her responsibility. But if you're that sure that he's an arse, she is very unlikely to escape her share of his arseness.

StephenFrySaidSo · 03/09/2013 19:02

It is unacceptable for any parent- resident or non resident to suddenly decide that their child is not their financial responsibily for 3/4/however many years. It is a financial obligation until that child is finished full time education. If the Nrp in this case had come to OP and said - "look i want to do this course but doing so would mean no income, can you cover the shortfall for 4 years to make sure ds doesnt suffer" and op had agreed then no problem but he hasnt- he has just made the decision without making any financial provision for his child for the next 4 years. Unacceptable- just as it would be unacceptable if OP had started a course and didnt use her student grant or tax credits to keep her son alive in the interim four years of studying.

NotYoMomma · 03/09/2013 19:11

her wages are nothing to do with you or your child, it was you and ex who are responsible.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 03/09/2013 19:12

Stephenfry exactly

OP posts:
lunar1 · 03/09/2013 19:18

I really don't understand all the replys supporting the ex. In an ideal world it would be lovely if we could all do what we want, better ourselves without consequences. At the end of the day he has a child, that child still needs food, clothes and everything else. You cant just pretend he doesn't exist for 3 years to do what the hell you want.

At the end of the day if the girlfriend is supporting him to better their lives together then the maintenance should be part of that. do you think you can just ring up the gas company and say im off to do a course in monster truck driving there for im still going to need gas but tough shit im not paying.

Its just a joke that we can be taken to court for not paying the bills but can make a choice to abdicate all financial responsibility for a child, and the op just has to suck it up because its his right to better himself.

BrokenSunglasses · 03/09/2013 19:18

StephenFry, why is it ok for a parent not to pay for their own child if they get tax credits but it's not ok for a parent to not pay for their own child when the other parent can do it?

I don't understand that at all. A parent claiming benefits is no more financially responsible for a child than a parent who doesn't pay anything.

StephenFrySaidSo · 03/09/2013 19:25

Can you clarify what you mean broken sunglasses? Any tax credits i get for my children get spent on my children. I dont refuse to buy food or clothes for them or fail to house them. The nrp in question will be doing none of that while studying.

StephenFrySaidSo · 03/09/2013 19:27

A parent claiming ctc,cb etc is claiming it in order to feed the child.

Hissy · 03/09/2013 19:29

If the GF is supporting him, part of her newly assumed responsibilities is honouring the payments he owes.

The Ex has not been given the sack, he has chosen, now to resign and give up work. He is as a result of this, saying that he's no longer going to pay maintenance.

The obligation/responsibility toward his child is not something he can resign from.
Even on benefits, he'd be expected to pay £5 a week!

Shame on his GF for funding the neglect of a child.

BrokenSunglasses · 03/09/2013 19:32

What I mean is that it's equally as bad when either parent doesn't work to support their children if they haven't got a supportive partner who will pay for them.

Claiming benefits is not providing financially for your child.

Hissy · 03/09/2013 19:32

I think if you are on good terms with the GF, it'd be an idea to sit down with her and discuss how she wants to meet his financial obligations.

With any luck, she'll boot him up the arse and tell him to get a PT job to pay for his child.

flippinada · 03/09/2013 19:34

Well you see this is the reason why it's easy for men (sorry but it is usually men) to avoid paying for their kids. Instead of being shamed they have a cheerleading squad who pop up to justify why it's his right, see.

And ROFL at the idea that NRPs who avoid paying maintenance suddenly become responsible and start paying loads once they get this marvellous job that they are going to walk into after getting their degree. Because having a degree magically transforms you into a responsible, caring adult

Someone might like to tell my self employed ex who has an MSc (that I funded him through btw) and pays £55 a month about this 'rule', cos it seems to have passed him by.