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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Serious Wedding One.

187 replies

disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 17:17

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 02/09/2013 13:30

Don't go,

Let your sister know why,

Terribly wrong of her to invite your abuser anywhere near you.

Send a card wish her luck, but in future be aware she doesn't have any understanding of what you have been through, so be careful she doesn't have the opportunity to put in any more terrible positions.

MistressDeeCee · 02/09/2013 15:21

Its the be there for your DSis posts that are absolutely causing my jaw to drop.

Honestly..does a person getting married in your family mean glossing over the way they've been completely & utterly insensitive to your needs? Be there at all costs just so family relations & pics look oh so good to everybody else?

Why not go the whole hog, make sure the abuser feels nice n comfortable on this beautiful day when he's in the limelight as the perfect father giving away his daughter. & I don't buy that its all for DSis sake either, particularly as its quite clear she couldn't care less how OP feels. & why exactly should this farcical situation be ok anyway? Just because she's getting married? Is that the be all & end all?

I can't believe ANYBODY feels the OP, who's been through quite enough thank you, should stand within even 1 mile of a person who abused her sexually, emotionally & physically. Just for the sake of a wedding?!! NOTHING is worth it.

No person has the right to intimate that there are some situations where its fine for a victim to be in the vicinity of the child abuser who tainted her childhood. Because if that's the case then our children are lost if the message is its ok for certain occasions .

frostyfingers · 02/09/2013 16:31

Don't go, please. You will cause yourself so much stress and hurt and it wouldn't be worth it. Write down all the points you have made here, get them into a letter format and hand it to your sister and ask her to discuss it with you once she's read it. Maybe when she has the cold hard facts in front of her she may appreciate what's she's asking you to do and understand why you can't be involved.

Make yourself a date to do something lovely on that day - trip to the beach, shopping, cinema, anything to keep you busy and give you a nice memory. I wish you all the best.

NoComet · 02/09/2013 17:13

I'm giving the sisters side of this because in the future that's what has to be sorted out for happy family relationships.

And in the future happy family relationships matter far more.

One day, hopefully the OP and her sister will have children of their own. Those children will be cousins, cousins who must never be alone with their 'grandfather' and cousins who's family need to understand why.

That conversation is incredibly difficult and will only be made harder if everyone fell out over a wedding. If people don't want to face the truth, small slights are what they cling to.

Of course it would be great if you could just get the abusive bastard locked up, but often the world doesn't work quite like that and everyone knowing and believing that terrible wrongs were done is all there is.

MistressDeeCee · 02/09/2013 17:26

The onus is not on the OP to be on hand informing all future generations of children, of the trauma she suffered. Its a known situation. She has a mother, sister, & other relatives who know.

As a victim (lest that aspect be forgotten),exactly how much of a load is she expected to carry, I wonder? Or doesn't she matter? She can be brushed aside as long as nobody else is? Should she know her place as an appeaser/people pleaser? Double punishment raking it all up, perhaps?

I'm sure she feels just brilliant at the moment. Sole reponsibility for mending family relations, at that. Wow. May as well stamp I don't matter on her forehead.

She very possibly won't die if she doesn't have a relationship with DSis, who hardly sounds easy to get along with or as if she gives a shit how OP feels. Weird.

Don't go OP - keep as far away from your abuser as possible, and look out for your own wellbeing if nobody else will. You deserve to feel safe, and happy

BMW6 · 02/09/2013 17:32

No way would I go. I also think that if your step sis had any depth of feeling for you then at the least she would be disappointed that you couldn't attend, but totally understanding.
Personally I am shocked that she knows that her father is a paedophile, yet she wants him to give her away at her wedding........

waltermittymissus · 02/09/2013 17:32

Are you ok OP?

NoComet · 02/09/2013 20:06

You can know things, but having the courage to admit them publicly (or even to yourself) is quite another.

Pedophiles make victims of the siblings they don't abuse and the wives they betray. They even make victims of children born after their deaths, who are left wondering why extended family relationships are inexplicably strained.

BlueStones · 02/09/2013 22:01

No-one is "falling out over a wedding", Startail. If OP's sister chooses to fall out with OP, then that fall out is because OP's sister has chosen to minimise the sexual abuse of her sibling, and because the abuser will not accept the consequences of his own criminal behaviour.

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 02/09/2013 22:22

Thanks for all the positive messages.

We both have dc. My dc have nothing to do with dsis dad.

But have spoken to dsis today who explained to me that he has only ever been good to her (except when he is a verbal arse to her) and he has never hurt her or her dc. First she only had my word against his, and then after explaining that no, he'd actually admitted what he had done, she then waffled something about drunk and accident. So i pressed home the point that her df was a child beating paedo and she got upset. Ultimately I wasn't going to be attending wedding.

This will probably out me but to cut a long story short she has now cancelled wedding. Not sure how i feel at the moment.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 02/09/2013 22:27

You can't feel guilty for what your sister hass done. Your mother (and step'father') have taught her her entire life that if you feel awful enough, you'll fall into line. This is (whether subconscious or not) merely another form of severe pressure and guilt tripping. Trying to make you feel you 'ruined' everything so if you just STFU everyone will be happy.

She can't accept what her father is, that's her problem. Don't let her make it yours.

Xales · 02/09/2013 22:27

Wow you are so brave disguise (hugs)

It must have hurt so much for her first to say it was your word against his and then down play it as drunk and accident.

You have done nothing wrong. No matter what happens next you are strong, brave and honest.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 02/09/2013 22:28

Btw, that's my 'calm' post because I really feel like ripping your sister a new one, but that won't make you feel better so it'll stay in my head! Wink for now

Xales · 02/09/2013 22:29

Btw, that's my 'calm' post because I really feel like ripping your sister a new one, but that won't make you feel better so it'll stay in my head! wink for now

hear hear Special

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 02/09/2013 22:34

Thats ok special, as much as i do love my dsis, i really had to restrain myself today and i wanted to fucking rip her a new one myself.

Basically she tried denial then blaming everyone else without so much as just accepting what her df is.

She mentioned about what to say to people who would obviously ask why i wasnt at her wedding, so i said the truth. Which i dont think she could really do without making herself look like a twunt.

If she truely cancels her wedding then im not sure what she will tell people.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/09/2013 22:36

Blimey, cancelled the wedding?? Shock

I didn't see that one coming.

And I suppose it'll all be blamed on you disguise?

Don't you bloody take any responsibility for it, not one jot. Just keep on with the same line that he's the one who did it and she's the one who cancelled (which looks completely OTT to me).

You're totally entitled to feel how you do, don't let them tell you otherwise.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 02/09/2013 22:38

Ahh I knew she hadn't really cancelled it. It's just a ploy.

She hasn't tried to get refunds, sent out 'it's off' notes/texts? Didn't think so.

She's waiting for you to get on your knees and tell her how unreasonable you are. Don't.

She clearly wants to be princess for a day with perfect parents. She doesn't have that luxury and she shouldn't be bullying you into this. All the obvious stuff aside (like the poster who said he'll go out of his way to interact with you) once booze is involved this is going to hell in a handbasket anyway.

The fact she has children makes this even worse IMO. Angry

Don't crack. Protect yourself, since it seems no one else in your family will!

AgentZigzag · 02/09/2013 22:38

I'm sure her cancelling is just a threat to try and make you do what she wants.

But if she does, that's her choice, you haven't forced her (an adult) into doing anything.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 02/09/2013 22:42

Exactly Agent

She's mirroring what her mother did when OP was 14.

She's trying to say you'll ruin everything if you don't 'let' him come. It's the exact same scenario!

Stand your ground. She'll have her day, but brace yourself for the almighty tantrums and most likely lies that will happen because you're standing your ground.

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 02/09/2013 22:43

She has only told our dmum and our dbro. She has said she understood my reasons but to let her tell people in her own time. Ive just said if that what she feels she has to do then so be it. I dont know what she is going to tell people so not sure whether to prepare for a backlash or not.

OP posts:
BlingBang · 02/09/2013 22:44

You handled that well, good for you. Your sister is not the bad one here - she is also a victim but you are a 100% in the right here. Hold your head high and take no responsibility for any fall out.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 02/09/2013 22:46

So she's told two people who she feels will put pressure on you, but no one else?

Not the bridesmaids and groomsmen who have presumably taken time off work/gotten expensive outfits?

Not her close friends?

Just people who can influence you?

What a coincidence! Hmm

Xales · 02/09/2013 22:46

It's emotional blackmail. 'Look what you have forced me to do now.'

Can you phone any support groups or do you have some close friends you can lean on as from your mother's previous form I think there is going to be a lot more pressure/emotional blackmail/bullying coming your way.

WilsonFrickett · 02/09/2013 22:46

She is trying to blackmail and guilt you into doing what she wants. Stand firm. Well done for having the conversation with her, that took a lot of courage.

WilsonFrickett · 02/09/2013 22:48

I also hope you have some RL support op, do you? Because the next few days are going to get messy... Sad

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