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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Serious Wedding One.

187 replies

disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 17:17

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

OP posts:
TiredFeet · 01/09/2013 22:11

I think it would be completely understandable to decide not to go, and you would have nothing to apologise for. I think she should have had the courtesy to warn you/ consult with you about this from the outset.

searching4serenity · 01/09/2013 22:17

I guess the dsis isn't thinking clearly, is in denial... But it doesn't mean that your feelings are less important.

I think you could feel terrible afterwards... If you did go. You're more important than appeasing ppl in this situation.

If it was me I would not attend, try to explain why, celebrate the wedding in your own way, and get out of town for the weekend.

The counselling sounds like a good idea; whatever you decide to do.

Best of luck OP. I hope he gets his comeuppance someday.

searching4serenity · 01/09/2013 22:18

Abd I think one day she might even understand...

WilsonFrickett · 01/09/2013 22:19

Sorry, I've been out and thank you op for your response to my earlier post. If you believe she is welcoming him in to the ceremony, competely of her own volition, then there's nothing to be gained in discussing it further I guess, which is terribly sad. It feels like you are being punished twice. But of course YANBU in not going to the wedding.

That said, there will be repercussions - I think you know this, you've mentioned it in your posts. Do you have RL support to help you through the inevitable shitstorm? ((hugs))

beepoff · 01/09/2013 22:26

OP I don't think I'd go in your shoes. Doesn't matter if the wedding is tomorrow or in 5 years' time - you do what's right for you.

Is it possible as your sis found out about it when she was young she has forgotten or minimised what happened?

I'm annoyed at the prats on this thread saying "why didn't you think to ask if he'd be there?". Deeply unhelpful and irrelevant.

georgettemagritte · 01/09/2013 22:46

I'm so sorry for what happened to you! I don't think you should go. Those on this thread suggesting that you could go with certain rules etc. are well-meaning, but they are treating this like a run of the mill family/ relationship/wedding AIBU: this is a totally different situation. Pagwatch has summed it up very well. For you to go is for you to have to collude in pretending it didn't happen and in others' fantasies of a normal family all over again: and you don't have to, OP - in fact you absolutely shouldn't. You protected your sister's fantasies as a child: she is now an adult, and she mustn't be protected now. Now you get to protect yourself, and the child that you were. You should try not to feel any guilt about this: DSis will deal with it, and her life will go on; and you will feel so much better for not having gone, and having been true to yourself and what happened to you. Love and strength to you OP!

EldritchCleavage · 01/09/2013 22:59

I would never, never, put myself in the same room as my abuser. I can't imagine what it would be like for you, OP, to try and do that. Add the drink, and the prospect of home truths coming to the surface, and it sounds like a very bad idea indeed.

In fact, some kind of 'fall-out' seems inevitable, so why not take yours now (by telling your sister you won't be there) rather than on the day with witnesses and booze and the prospect of a horrible public confrontation?

waltermittymissus · 01/09/2013 23:06

I'm shocked and really sad to read some of the responses on this thread.

They can only be by people who have absolutely no clue. Talk about minimising!

OP, I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. You must put yourself first in this situation. Don't go.

If your dsis falls out with you because of it well, that's her lookout. It's not for you to put up and shut up because of her speshul day!

because well she doesn't think what he did was that bad

^^^

You owe her nothing. And whilst I don't and wouldn't blame her for anything, she really shouldn't blame you for not attending.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake · 01/09/2013 23:08

It's a party. At the end of the day, it's a fucking party and that's what people focus on? Seriously?

Your sister is willing to cause a huge rift with you, because you don't want to go to a party with the man who sexually abused you.

She needs help.

NoComet · 01/09/2013 23:09

Personally I think the OP should be her sisters MofH, not to do so perpetrates are step fathers evil into the future. He has no right to ruin their relationship. He has no rights of anykind.

For those who glibly say the OPs sister should face up to what her father did it's not that simple.

Almost 40 years later and with the perpetrator a pile of ashes for almost 20 the secrets of childhood can keep their grip and conversations remain in had.

NoComet · 01/09/2013 23:10

Un-had.

KittyLane1 · 01/09/2013 23:19

Dear OP,

the last thing in the world I would go to is this wedding. It's only a wedding, as someone said, they will be married with or without you.

Please imagine the situations you will be in. Your sitting at your table, he comes over to talk to someone. He rests his hand on the back of your chair.

Your standing at the bar, he stands close behind you. You feel his breath of your neck.

You go to the toilets, he is standing in the hall.

And of course, the speeches. When he stands up in front of everyone. All eyes on him. He goes on about how much he loves your sister. Recalls funny stories. Then points you out to the room, tells them how he raised you as well. How much he loves you.

Abusers are very manipulative. Often charming and charismatic. They hate to lose control.

Don't give him that opportunity. Don't do that to yourself. The only way I would consent to being alone with a former abuser is if I had a gun, and he didn't.

BlingBang · 01/09/2013 23:22

This is so sad. The OP just has to do what she really feels will be best for her - put yourself first here and do what you feel is best for you. Don't think about how it will affect anyone else. personally, I think if it was me I would say no, couldn't imagine being able to go and get anything positive out of it, you would be so uncomfortable and I would worry it would set me back.

Hebemajeebe · 01/09/2013 23:25

If course hes the one who should not be going - he should be in prison.

It's outrageous that anyone should expect you to be anywhere near him.

Angloamerican · 02/09/2013 00:25

Completely agree with Famzilla. I wouldn't go. I am speechless with disgust that your sister would think it appropriate for you to tolerate a day in close quarters with your abuser. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

olidusUrsus · 02/09/2013 00:31

Fuck the wedding. Please, please do yourself a favour and don't go.

NoComet · 02/09/2013 00:57

I'm guessing the OPs sister was younger than her. These events almost certainly happened when she was primary age, perhaps as young as 5 or 6.

A frightened primary child would try to justify and minimise what she saw and heard. Children that age love their parents unconditionally and need them however they behave. Children also have an incredible loyalty to other family members.

Think of it as a kind of self inflicted brain washing if you like. It's very powerful, it isn't undone by having your 18th birthday.

I think time does help, as does the deaths of those involved directly or simply also in denial. But I'm talking serious amounts of time, forty years and still some things have not been said.

Juvenilesuccess · 02/09/2013 08:22

Op, I've been a lurker for a while and your post has moved me to do my first message. I am shocked and saddened by suggestions that you should continue to be MoH and attend the wedding. Your emotional well being is far more important that your sisters desire to play happy families for the day. Please put yourself first and do not go to the wedding.

ITCouldBeWorse · 02/09/2013 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies · 02/09/2013 08:37

star - you are probably right about the psychology of the sisters side of things. I'm no expert but it sounds sound.

However this thread is the OPs thread, not the sisters. The sister is not the one who is struggling. I know you are giving the sisters take on it in an attempt to help OP, but i think it's time folk concentrated on disguise now. And not ask her to 'understand' and 'make allowances' for every other bugger one else ... as she seems to have been made to do all her childhood :(

This is her time now. She's had a shit childhood ... it's her turn to come first. If that means her sister going without a MoH then so be it i'm afraid.

senua · 02/09/2013 08:56

Would it work if:
You carry on helping DSis to organise the wedding; give her your practical, helpful support.
Attend the wedding as any-other-guest, not as MoH, so you don't have to put on a front of happy families and 'sanction' his presence.
Leave after the service, maybe before the photos.

That way you can be there for your DSis but see no more of dad than you normally do around town. You honour her wedding but skip the party.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 02/09/2013 09:12

Disclaimer - I have not RTFT,not all of it anyway. But am Shock at people saying you should go, as if her wedding trumps a sexual (and other physical and emotional) assault on a child. WTF?

And I think that you are right to think it will normalise your relationship for those who see you in the same place as this awful person. Be kind to the eight year old girl in you and DON'T GO.

waltermittymissus · 02/09/2013 10:37

So glad to see more and more posters speaking sense here, I was really worried there!

Ezio · 02/09/2013 12:53

Theres no way i could stand there faking a smile, knowing the man who abused me, was grinning away, thinking hes the best, father of the bride.

OP, if you can bear to be around that man, then dont be, i wouldnt be in the same situ.

AdmiralData · 02/09/2013 13:13

Funny side? Seriously? There is never a funny side to abuse - ever. You are under ZERO, ZILCH, NIL obligation to go OP. As another poster mentioned, I wouldn't put myself under the same roof as my abuser! Regardless of your sisters 'speshul day' she should have considered your feelings.
Stay home, eat pizza and watch a good film (I am extremely boring btw ;) )
Good luck OP