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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Serious Wedding One.

187 replies

disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 17:17

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 01/09/2013 19:30

... and OP was put in that position at 14 - now she's being put there again with ''don't upset your sister''! :(

ChasedByBees · 01/09/2013 19:33

That's awful OP :(

I wouldn't go - I'd state that I didn't want to be in the room with him and go along with being in his presence for the sake of 'appearance'. I wouldn't offer it as a choice (I.e. if you uninvited him I'll come) as that is asking her to directly choose. She should choose to uninvite him through her own decision. She probably won't but she shouldn't have put you in this situation in the first place.

It's not about 'winning' or 'how much does your sister mean to you'.

Not at all.

Xales · 01/09/2013 19:33

Slightly different but my mother wanted my step father back when she found out he was dying despite knowing about the years of abuse I had been through. If they had got back together she would never have seen me or my child again.

I actually think you should bite the bullet and make a stand now. You sister is old enough to know what you went though not a 'bad thing'.

Otherwise it will be your other siblings weddings, their future children's christenings/birthdays/christmas/important dates etc in the future.

If you don't say no now, if you do in the future, they will turn around and say well you didn't have a problem with x, y & z so why are you making this a problem now.

Be strong and say no.

That was a fucking vile betrayal by your mother too when you were 14!

Good luck

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 01/09/2013 19:35

personally, I wouldn't go. and I would have a serious chat with sis to explain how you felt in the past and how you feel now. she's not a kid any more.

yes, he is her dad and its her choice in the end but you do need to look after your self first of all.

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 19:37

I would say that the police were involved but my dmum promised me that if i didn't take it further then i would never see him again. At 14 that seemed like the best solution so it was a bit shit for him to wheedle his way back in within a month.

I couldn't go to the police now, I live in a small town and whilst i have come to terms with what happened i couldnt cope with the thought of random people knowing, as stupid as it sounds. And thats not even considering how my dsis would take it. Plus if he wasn't found guilty then everyone automatically assumes innocence. And then i really would be the bad one lol

OP posts:
motherinferior · 01/09/2013 19:39

I think you don't want to go, so don't go. You don't have to talk yourself into anything - or owe it to anyone. Do what your instincts are telling you to do and stay well away!

And plan something else for that day.

I'm so sorry.

NeedaWee · 01/09/2013 19:43

Could you just go to the wedding ceremony where you would have little to do with him, but not go to the reception which is after all less important

largeginandtonic · 01/09/2013 19:44

I don't get it. I really don't. If someone did that to someone I vaguely know let alone my fecking SISTER I would be a million miles away from them.

I'm so sorry. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't stand there with him. Poor you.

TakingThePea · 01/09/2013 19:46

I really cannot believe there are people here saying "wellll....you should have asked first" ...

If my father sexually abused ANY 8 year old child LET ALONE my own sister I would have NADA to do with him....I can't even imagine wanting him near my wedding! I would consider my relationship with my sister if she couldn't understand why I didn't want to be near my childhood abuser

Genuinely shocked here

Vivacia · 01/09/2013 19:48

I don't get it.

Haven't you come across children forgiving their parents of the most awful neglect and abuse? It's heartbreaking. I can't blame the bride here, I can only find blame with him.

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 19:55

This wedding is probably going to force a lot of home truths to the surface. Its not ever spoken about between me and my sister. I accepted she had a relationship with him, even though it does comprise a little bit about how i feel about her, but since i had no contact with him I didn't want to rock the boat. The fact that it is likely to cause a full scale rift is probably one of the reasons that its just always been swept under the carpet.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/09/2013 19:58

disguiseno I really think whatever you do it's going to be so rough on you so please book yourself in with a counsellor to help you through it. I don't think I ever want to have to tell anyone the details of what happened to me - I think you may literally have to be very open with your sister to get through to her as to why you don't want to be in the same room as him ever again.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 01/09/2013 20:06

disguiseno1 I feel for you, this is one of those incredibly painful situations. Many people feel attached to their abusers, especially if the abuser was their parent. I wonder if your sister is not seeing the situation for what it is because it's her biological dad and she is blinded by that love children (although I realise she is no longer a child) often have for their parents. I'm not excusing her behaviour but explaining why she might be so tunnel visioned about this.

Do you feel comfortable attending with certain restrictions or is the idea of being in a room with him too much? Only you can answer that, there is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes you have to be selfish to keep your sanity intact and if your sister truly loves you, she will understand that.

Flowers for you.

foxieloxie · 01/09/2013 20:08

Personally, I wouldn't go and I think those suggesting you should are deluded! I'm sorry for what you went through OP.
Just wondered have you seen him since you were a child? I wonder if seeing him again face to face might stir memories and emotions you thought were in the past, and If you feel you have come to terms with it now however many years later, I wouldn't want you to take a step back and put your mental health and well-being at risk for the sake of keeping your family happy. You need to put yourself first now

Vivacia · 01/09/2013 20:10

Just wondered have you seen him since you were a child?

She's already said that she sees him around town but is able to avoid him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/09/2013 20:11

"Dmum and other siblings would be understanding. But Dsis not so much. But she has form for being unreasonable and we kinda all accept thats how she is!"

Truly, time to stop accepting her being unreasonable. I think you are amazing for not standing there screaming uncontrollably at her complete fuckwitedness. You have been at the receiving end of so much unreasonableness (I am totally aghast at your posts of 19.10 and 19.37) from your entire family, it really is time for you to put yourself first here. Personally, I would be telling her that I would not be at her wedding, and that her bahaviour was extremely hurtful.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 01/09/2013 20:26

Are you sure you sister understands exactly what happened?

I don't think you you should go, but you need to give your sister tge option of which of you attends.

You cannot go and listen to him giving a speech and being tge proud dad.

Famzilla · 01/09/2013 21:23

I cannot believe the people on this thread minimising what has happened and guilting the OP into not upsetting her sister.

The bloke sexually abused a CHILD.

Wtf is wrong with people.

AKissIsNotAContract · 01/09/2013 21:41

I agree Fam, some of the comments on this thread are shocking.

MistressDeeCee · 01/09/2013 21:42

OP - don't go. Life really, really is too short to compromise your own happiness and peace of mind so as to appease other people. There comes a time in life to know, your wellbeing is important. Look after it.

I'd drop out of this unkind situation without a qualm. Better that, than going along with it feeling like crap on the day then going over & over the unhappy trauma of it all in your mind for ages afterwards. & I wouldn't care what sis/family think about it either.

Spend the day somewhere nice, pampering yourself

candycoatedwaterdrops · 01/09/2013 21:45

I don't agree that people are minimising the abuse OP suffered, although there have been some off comments. I think that there is a very complex dynamic when children have been abused by parents/step-parents and most people don't understand that. The sister has the right to have a relationship with her father but not at OP's detriment.

ResNullius · 01/09/2013 21:46

MissStrawberry
it isn't about "winning." Do you really really think it is and is that easy?

I don't pretend to understand recovering from SA, MissS. But I do come from a seriously abusive childhood, and equally abusive XH, so I have more than a bit of understanding Sad
We all have different routes to finding peace. We all have different coping mechanisms. Some people are able to confront,. others are not. I wasn't - as it happens.
However, I had to face it head on for my daughters wedding. It was mind boggling hard to get there on the day ....but I did, for DDs sake, and because I would not let him win by ruining yet another thing in my life. So for me, yes it is about that. He took every other thing, and I was damned if I would let him take that day.
And you know what. It was OK. I got through it, And he didn't 'win', Thats how I felt about it. For me,

I made it very clear in my post that OP might not be in a place to make that an option ....but it doesn't stop me hoping that she may be. Because why should she have to miss something she wants to do ...because of this man?
Its not about whether its right or wrong for her to go. Its what she says she really wants ...if it were not for this neanderthal excuse for a human being.

SeaSickSal · 01/09/2013 21:50

Don't go. Tell her that you won't go or be MoH if he is there. TBH I think that if she can't understand why you can't do this and be understanding then she doesn't really deserve you there.

I'm normally all for people letting bygones be bygones for a wedding, but where there's been abuse and beatings it's not fair on you or your mother to have him there.

blondieminx · 01/09/2013 21:54

What whereyouleftit said, with bells on.

Simply state that you will not be in the same aisle as the man who sexually abused you as a child.

Any chance of getting away from it all by doing something you'd always wanted to do instead (hot air balloon ride or whatever?)

You might want to start a thread in Relationships to get support with managing your relatives in the future. So sorry you went through such a horrible time.

pianodoodle · 01/09/2013 21:59

I would absolutely not go either OP. I can't imagine wanting to be near someone who had abused me and my mother like that.

I think your sister is putting you in a very awkward position but you should put disappointing her for a day to one side. If she doesn't understand now maybe she will in the future but that shouldn't be your main worry.