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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Serious Wedding One.

187 replies

disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 17:17

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 18:44

MissStrawberry it's all very well you being aggressive with your 'fucking' this and your 'fucking' that.

You haven't got to live with the fallout the OP may have with her sister.

It's easy for you to write words on a forum. You just move on to the next topic.

It is the OP who has to live with any consequences of her actions.

foreverondiet · 01/09/2013 18:44

I see it from your pov but did it not occur to ask her if he would be there? If you aren't comfortable you shouldn't go, but did she tell you previously that he would or would not be there and why didn't you think to ask???

fluffyraggies · 01/09/2013 18:45

Why does your sister want a man who sexually abused her sister and beat up her mum to give her away?

This ^^

argued that the sister's letting the OP down, by not taking her feelings seriously and putting some fuckwit abuser before her own sister.

and this ^^

The OP has done well to rise above and beyond what was done to her as a child. To expect her to also be able to pretend it never happened is an expectation too far, and something i would feel very hurt to be asked to do. For a wedding, a Christening, a funeral, a trip the bloody supermarket or anything.

Talk to your sis, OP, and tell how she has put you in an impossible position as you love her but cant be near your abuser.

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 18:46

WF, dsis is not bullied by her dad. Since my dmum left him he has been trying to be 'nice' to the remaining children as they are all he has left. Most of his other family have disowned him/stay their distance. Thats not to say he has totally changed and my dsis is often on the end of his cutting remarks (she tells me, but it seems its alright for her to think her dad is a twit and moan about him but no one else can). My dsis sums it up well with no matter how bad he is, he is still her dad. (Not something i particularly agree with btw).

In a perfect world I would never want my dsis to choose between me and her dad.

OP posts:
KoalaFace · 01/09/2013 18:46

OP I really feel for you. This is a horrible situation.

It takes a lot to begin coming to terms with an abusive childhood. If you feel that you are in a good place at the moment and seeing him at the wedding is going to be detrimental to your life I would advise being honest with your sister and telling her you can't be a part of her wedding with your abuser being there.

I hope she employs some empathy and understands. If she doesn't I'm afraid you may have to accept her right to be upset and disappointed and leave her to get on with it.

ZillionChocolate · 01/09/2013 18:47

"Why didn't you think to ask?" is equally well "why didn't she think to tell you?". I think you have to talk to her. I don't know how is react in her shoes or in yours, I've never been in them. I'd like to think I'd have the strength of character to cut off my dad and support my sister, but that's easy for me to say because I am in part the person I am because my dad is lovely.

squoosh · 01/09/2013 18:48

I wouldn't even contemplate attending as long as he is on the guest list. Yes your sis might get upset and huffy, quite frankly boo bloody hoo to her. Can she really be that self-involved that she doesn't see why this would be massively distressing for you.

Even if he hadn't sexually abused you why would she want anything to do with a man who beat her own mother for years? To be honest, this would make me rethink my relationship with my sister.

Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 18:49

Then it is down to the question of how much does your sister mean to you? And does it over ride the hatred you have of your stepfather. Or not? Then you have your answer.

If you step down from attending the wedding then you may be lucky and your sister will understand and all will be fine. But be prepared for her not to understand.

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 18:49

She never said that he would/wouldn't be there. And I hadn't thought of him being there, hence asking her who was giving her away. I'll openly admit this was absolutely short sighted of me, but like i said me and dsis were a bit wrapped up in looking at the fun bits of the wedding.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 01/09/2013 18:50

Him being her Dad does make a huge difference though Zigzag. Just look at some of the threads on here with people who are so attached to their parents simply because of biology that they put up with all sorts of horrible things.

xkittyx · 01/09/2013 18:51

Some of the respobses on this thread have been a real eye opener as to how sexual abuse gets minimised in some families, and the victim scapegoated.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 18:52

"Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:44:02

MissStrawberry it's all very well you being aggressive with your 'fucking' this and your 'fucking' that.

You haven't got to live with the fallout the OP may have with her sister.

It's easy for you to write words on a forum. You just move on to the next topic.

It is the OP who has to live with any consequences of her actions."

Bowlersarm, you know nothing and believe me, I know what I am saying and do not just move on to the next topic. I suspect you have no experience of SA and it is actually you who finds it easy to right shit on a forum and move on.

BlueStones · 01/09/2013 18:52

I wouldn't go, and I don't think you have any reason to feel bad if you choose to not go.

It's just a wedding, and for all the hysteria that develops around them, weddings are just parties. Your sister will still have a marriage whether or not you attend her party.

Original poster
disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 18:53

Bowlersarm, Im at a place in my life now where i can say that i dont hate her dad. I see where he is in life now and if I feel anything its between disgust and pity. That said i still dont want to be in his presence or anywhere remotely near him.

OP posts:
Original poster
disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 18:54

Especially when he has had a drink.

OP posts:
ResNullius · 01/09/2013 18:54

You know, OP, there are a few ways of looking at this and I think you have the option to say ....after so many years ....that you will not let the bastard win.
Because if you don't go, he does win.

If you are able to be there with people around you, who love you and care for you, then in many ways the very best revenge for this mans appalling treatment of you, is to show him that you have turned into a wonderful amazing strong woman who gives not one single toss about him BECAUSE HE CANNOT TOUCH YOU AND HE IS NOT WORTH WASTING A THOUGHT ON.

You may not be ready for this. It takes people different times and spaces to really move on from abuse, and no-one can hurry healing. But I truly hope you may be able to, because the sheer joy you feel in reducing these men, in your own mind, to the meaningless bathering bullies which they are ...is priceless.

Flowers Cake and Wine

Pagwatch · 01/09/2013 18:54

Op

I understand your concerns

Being forced into a 'normal' situation with her father is awful.
It makes you complicit in smoothing over the consequences of what he did.
It makes you feel vulnerable
It pushes you into being the bad one/the troublesome one/the problem
It forces you to shut up and go along with the humiliation or be the cause of upset and gossip /distress.
It makes you relive all the hideous things you went through when you first spoke up - the disbelief, the minimising, the speculation, the humiliation.
It means he is in control again even if only for a short time.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 18:54

Bowlersarm, your comment at 18:49 is incredibly offensive and without any understanding at all.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 18:56

ResN, it isn't about "winning." Do you really really think it is and is that easy?

Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 18:56

MissStrawberry all posts should be removed then, and the OP should only read yours. Because of course you have the only point of view worth reading.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 18:56

Pagwatch - BRILLIANT post Flowers.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 18:57

Not at all, Bowlersarm but you certainly appear to not have any understanding of what the OP went through and feels.

StuntGirl · 01/09/2013 18:58

Yy to that kitty.

I wouldn't go OP. I would tell her exactly why. I would be prepared for the possibility of the fallout.

It sounds very hard. I'm very sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child.

Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 18:59

MissStrawberry my post of 18.49 was directed to the OP. Not you. Please allow the OP to reply, on HER thread. I'm sure she doesn't need you stepping in to speak for her.

fluffyraggies · 01/09/2013 19:01

I don't see how the OP failing to check, at some magically correct time, who else is going to the wedding, means she gets to forfeit being treated with respect and compassion by her own sister Confused