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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Serious Wedding One.

187 replies

disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 17:17

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 01/09/2013 19:02

Pagwatch I'm not sure it has to be that way. I think that there are ways of attending which protect the OP and her truth. This is what I was getting at in my first post.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 19:02

I can read Bowlersarm and I am not speaking for the OP. I am pulling you up on the crap you are spouting.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 19:03

OP, I wish you luck. Your well being is more important than someone's wants on their wedding day imo.

I will leave this now.

Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 19:03

MissStrawberry omg leave me alone!

xkittyx · 01/09/2013 19:06

Bowlersarm I also find what you're saying pretty offensive. You are totally minimising abuse.

StuntGirl · 01/09/2013 19:07

I do think your earlier post about how much she loves her sister was out of line bowler. It puts the onus on the OP - and creates guilt where there doesn't need to be any. It implies that if she just loves her sister enough she can look aside the hurt and pain caused during her childhood, and the discomfort she feels now.

It's ok for her to feel that she can't be at this wedding, and it doesn't mean she loves her sister any less.

BackforGood · 01/09/2013 19:08

I would have to speak you sis and say that you are sorry to pull out after having agreed to be MoH, but that it just never occurred to you for a minute that she would be inviting someone who has abused both you, and her, and your mother, and there is no way you can be part of an occasion that he is. I'd also be asking her if she had thought about the impact on your Mum, too.

Original poster

disguiseno1 · 01/09/2013 19:10

Pagwatch has summed it up pretty well. That is how I feel.

This is a bit of a drip feed but not particularly relevant. When the SA came out I was 14. My dmum (who admits she was a shit mother at that particular period but herself a victim of DA) told my dsis and dbro (who were about 7/8) that their dad had done a bad thing and it was up to me if he got to stay. So i had them begging me to let him stay. And I felt had to say yes, so for 2 years i lived a fucking horrible awkward existence of pretending nothing happened and then at 16 i left. Im just not ready to do that again. Its totally different but for me it feels the same.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 01/09/2013 19:11

BackforGood do you think that might sound a bit manipulative to the bride?

cocolepew · 01/09/2013 19:12

Don't go. It will just be awful for you. How could you possibly be expected to go and relax and have fun with your abuser there?
Frankly I'm staggered that people seem to think it's OK to go.

Pagwatch · 01/09/2013 19:14

I'm so sorry disguiseno1.
Of course it feels the same.

I am a tough person. I think I regard it as a manifestation of that strength that I would be prepared to say
'I will not be placed in that position. I will not be manipulated into smiling in photos next to that man. That's my choice'

Bowlersarm · 01/09/2013 19:14

Alright I am sorry if I am causing offence, OP.

I am not trying to minimise what he did. I just think that firstly, it should have come up before, when it was first talked about, but obviously it hasn't. Only you know how your sister will react if you say you are not going to the wedding. Her reaction may not be the one you want to hear and you may end up falling out over it. That's all I am trying to say. So YANBU to drop out but you may jeopardise the relationship with your sister.

I agree it's your stepfather has caused all this, and is still causing pain, but it is only you who knows how your sister may react. He is clearly going to be at the wedding, whether you like it or not.

BackforGood · 01/09/2013 19:15

Not really - this is a pretty serious thing disguiseno1 is talking about, not a bit of disliking of someone who is rude or selfish, nor a disagreement about some detail of the wedding. This is about being in close proximity to a man who abused her over some years. I'm just shocked that the sister/bride thinks it is an OK thing for everyone else to just accept that she wants this man there - biological father or not.

Vivacia · 01/09/2013 19:15

Im just not ready to do that again.

disguise where are you on the options of:
a) not attending
b) attending but not with a role
c) attending with rules in place
I don't think that you should give your sister the ultimatum of you or her father.

BackforGood · 01/09/2013 19:15

sorry, x-posted, I was answering vivacia's question

Vivacia · 01/09/2013 19:18

(Glad you clarified at 19:15 Back as I hadn't realised!). I think that this would convey the same sentiment but not be manipulative,

I'm sorry and I know that this will be difficult for you but I can't attend the wedding if that man's there. I hope you understand and I hope I can still be part of the preparations and celebrations afterwards

BlueStones · 01/09/2013 19:19

Maybe offer to take your sister and her husband for high tea (or whatever else they like) at a later date, in lieu of attending?

Either way, your experience utterly overrides any concerns about her bloomin' wedding. I'm astonished that she is putting you in this position. You are not the baddy here, not in any way at all.

AllThatGlistens · 01/09/2013 19:20

Are some of the posters on here joking? Or just deluded?

He sexually abused the OP at 8 years old.

Shame on anyone that has the brass neck to minimise that

Vivacia · 01/09/2013 19:20

Blue I think that there's only one person at blame here.

AgentZigzag · 01/09/2013 19:21

Bowler, if the OPs sister thinks just because she's found a way to deal with what was dished out to her, that the OP shouldn't have any trouble doing the same, goes beyond any bridezilla boundaries.

The OP would be anything but lucky for such a person deeming to forgive her. Forgive her for what?? Not wanting her skin to be crawling at being so close to man capable of sexually assaulting a child?? Someone capable of doing that to her? (sorry if that's a bit strong OP).

BlueStones · 01/09/2013 19:22

Viv absolutely, I didn't mean to imply otherwise. But the sister should understand that OP's ongoing suffering is far more significant than wedding formalities.

Inertia · 01/09/2013 19:22

What an awful position for a child to be placed in- it should have been a judge and jury who made the decision about what happened to him as a punishment. Making a 14 yo abuse victim take responsibility for the abuser is horrific. And now you are being placed in a similar position, where his crimes are swept under the carpet and you get the blame if you are not willing to join in with minimising the abuse you suffered. You don't have to suffer in silence - though I think that you should think about how you'd be willing to proceed before you speak to your sister.

Pagwatch · 01/09/2013 19:28

I am not going to have a go at anyone who doesn't understand but it s important to try and get that for many people the nature of the abuse is to force the child to become complicit.

And once a child does not scream 'do not do that' then everyone wonders why not. Including the child.
Guilt and shame become overwhelming. Then others want you to keep quiet and it makes it worse. What you think is that no one much minds what happened. They just want to ignore it and move on. You become the one causing problems.
It's invidious . It changes who you are, how you value yourself.

MarianForrester · 01/09/2013 19:29

I never post on stuff like this, but am also gobsmacked that people think you should kind of feel obliged to go so as not to cause offence or upset. This is madness. You should not go, and should not feel bad about it for a second, if anyone should it's the bride for placing you in this situation.

You are not at fault, he is, I would not go at all if I were you. Impossible for you to be part of this.

Doha · 01/09/2013 19:30

I would report you him now for sexual abuse--it's never too late,

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