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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

363 replies

Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 05:25

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

OP posts:
Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 31/08/2013 11:02

Posted too soon!

....your argument in a sympathetic 'oh don't worry about DSD's washing etc MIL, you need to rest'. Or she's made it up because you've said this to her which reflects very poorly on her and will reinforce that this is the right thing to do.

I'd suggest as PP's have said that you enquire whether she has seen a doctor, and if not offer to make an appointment.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 11:11

It could be that FiL is finding it difficult to cope with her and it is him who thinks she is depressed. (So she might not be playing this 'card') She might have kept him awake etc and he is worrying about her.

I think genuine sympathy is needed regarding her depression / strange behaviour, she does not sound very well.

However it is not acceptable behaviour and should not be enabled. Being supportive means you do not let someone do whatever they want even if it is harmful, it means you do all you can to save them from themselves.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 11:13

For example is it good parenting to let a child behave badly? No you correct them and do all you can to prevent the bad behaviour.

2rebecca · 31/08/2013 11:15

Agree, if she's depressed then you act understanding and say it explains some of her odd behaviour recently and she should go and see her GP and let you know when she's feeling better.
If the "depression" has just come on overnight then it's not depression it's "getting in a tizz because you haven't got your own way".
Either way you and your husband should be sticking together and being firm that her previous abnormal behaviour can't continue and she needs to start engaging more with her own life with her husband and friends and interests and less with trying to take over yours and become you.

knickernicker · 31/08/2013 11:31

Olympicsrock- this woman is not lime your mother in law. For example, if you told her you didn't want her help anymore she would perhaps be offended but would she:
?storm off
?tell you this has given her depression
?say she doesn't know what she's done to make the whole family turn against her

No of course she wouldn't. I don't think your smug post is very helpful to the OP.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 11:32

Maybe if FiL can be trusted he should look after the spare key. Only if OP knows he will not give in to MiL though.

I personally would change the locks and have no qualms about it since it is my property. People update doors and locks all the time, I would just say they don't need to keep a spare key, since you don't need washing doing etc.

I understand if this is what has always happened it might be difficult to broach - but that is why I wouldn't even broach it. Maybe get a new door and lock if I could afford it.

I would be as kind, supportive and friendly as possible though, they are strictly guests in your house however. You want to fuss over them, make sure they have fun with the grandchildren, do fun things. MiL has not been well so she shouldn't be overworking herself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2013 11:42

I think that FIL acts as her willing enabler in all this as well as acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. Narcissistic women always but always need a willing enabler to help them. He is a truly weak man and no way would I give him a key either because his wife will surely get it. He is as bad as his wife is, he has never seemingly tried to reign in any aspect of her behaviours. He's probably happy as well that fairy is copping it rather than he.

MIL's own comment to Fairy below when they had a "discussion" speaks volumes:-
"She doesn't understand where she went wrong with her children so that they all hate her so much".

clam · 31/08/2013 11:43

I too think that changing the locks would be unnecessarily inflammatory at this stage. You've told her not to do it; if she still persists, even now, ask her for the key back. If she says she needs it "for emergencies," you say that you will be giving it to a neighbour/local friend as it is quicker and more convenient if you happen to lock yourself out. If she still persists, then maybe think about new locks.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2013 11:44

daftdame

Many toxic parents also play the "illness" card in such circumstances and indeed another poster Viking predicted as much. Not all grandparents by any means are kind and loving. I would be keeping my children away from such people because if they are unkind to the parents, they could well do the same to their grandchildren.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2013 11:46

She will likely refuse to give the key back even if asked nicely. This woman cannot understand any idea of boundaries and has no concept of same.

Fairy, what if anything do you know of this woman's family background, what was her childhood like for instance?.

I would change the locks as of now. The situation is already inflamed as it is by MILs behaviours.

clam · 31/08/2013 11:46

Yes, Attila, it's an indicator to a whole load of unseen footage! I had problems with a colleague recently, who I had to speak to (gently but firmly) about his behaviour/attitude/performance. He immediately tried to turn it around to, "why do you dislike me so much. I'm obviously a horrible person then."
His issues, not mine!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2013 11:49

Indeed clam.

BTW Fairy I have dysfunctional narcissistic inlaws and the only way forward for me has been to have as little contact with them as humanely possible. I cannot and will not get involved in the car crash that are their lives.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 11:57

AttilaTheMeerkat Hmm but if you are toxic you are ill in a way... (bit metaphysical, are they ill or just bad? If they are bad are they ill?)

Mental illness can lead people to behave in some very strange, selfish and generally toxic ways. Can be very difficult to be around. Whether she is actually clinically depressed would be something only a doctor could tell you though.

OP shouldn't discount the illness, in that her sympathy is correct, but as I have said you don't enable it either because you want a positive outcome and recovery. Just as if someone was an alcoholic you wouldn't give them an alcoholic drink saying, "They need to drink, they can't help it because they're addicted to it".

MissMarplesBloomers · 31/08/2013 12:04

I agree the lock changing might be a bit inflammatory but a way round that is to drop the "snib" on the 5 lever lock at the front & go out the back! Grin

2rebecca · 31/08/2013 12:25

I agree that FIL is sounding manipulative in this as well by bandying round medical terms like "depression" and "insomnia" in a text.
If this was my dad he'd phone me to chat not text, and would be saying "Rebecca your mum is really upset and not sleeping due to the fall out with you and your husband. Can we maybe try and find a way to resolve things?" He wouldn't be going for the medicalised language and making it sound as though my mum had an illness rather than just being upset.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 12:39

It doesn't really matter if the illness is genuine. This should not scare the OP into allowing her to have free access to OP's property, at will. All it does is require a bit of sympathy and kindness, which you can give to someone who is just wilfully behaving badly in any case, because they will be heading for a fall if they continue... It will be sad if OP has to go as far as cutting MiL off completely, but she is not at this stage yet.

CoconutRing · 31/08/2013 12:41

I would go so far as to suggest that the locks are changed, MIL is no longer invited into your home and all contact with you and your family is held on neutral ground. If you met for lunch at a pub for example, MIL couldn't dash upstairs for some "therapeutic" tidying and washing grabbing.

PurpleRayne · 31/08/2013 12:52

Her depression is not the responsibility of her son, or you. She needs to see a doctor.

Your DH could consider your responses as a family towards her behaviour. Perhaps he should think about what the likely consequences of actions A, B, or C, would be.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 31/08/2013 13:23

Unfortunate that she's now 'ill'. Oh well, she'd better stay away until she feels up to a visit to a busy household complete with newborn, hadn't she?

Rosesarebeautiful · 31/08/2013 20:55

You do need to stay strong. My MIL would have been like yours if we'd lived nearer by. Lucky for me we moved to another city early in our marriage.
But she still interfered and belittled me when she visited. I think if we'd been nearer her our marriage may not have lasted.

Make it clear you are the mum and she is Gran. A Gran is a very important person - her relationship with your children should be more fun than practical.

petalsandstars · 01/09/2013 12:34

How did DHs chat with FIL go? [nosy]

nennypops · 01/09/2013 14:47

Bumped as also curious about the chat with FIL

ovenbun · 02/09/2013 10:02

what happened op? xx hope youre okxx

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps · 03/09/2013 22:46

How's things Fairy? Have the waters calmed yet???

Ireallymustbemad · 04/09/2013 09:40

Any update OP? Hope it's going ok.

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