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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

363 replies

Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 05:25

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

OP posts:
Sawdust · 30/08/2013 16:53

Well done you!!

What you said was reasonable and balanced.

And right!!!!

She will have to get over the fact that she is not DSD's mum, which she will when she finally realises that she is getting no-where!

Go you!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/08/2013 17:01

Consider my gob well and truly smacked Smile. Well done Fairy. As others have suggested, now is the opportune time to change the lock on the door as it really won't impact on her now

SauvignonBlanche · 30/08/2013 17:27

Well done OP, have you updated your DH, what does he think about it all?

LongTailedTit · 30/08/2013 17:28

If I had pompoms I'd be shaking them! "F! A! I! R! Y! Go Fairy! Go Fairy!"

Well done for keeping a cool head.

Tel: 0800 LOCKSMITH?

Youhaventseenme · 30/08/2013 17:32

Oh well done.

birdybear · 30/08/2013 17:36

You didn't mention the key? Uh oh. Big mistake! But well done for sitting and discussing it kindly with her.

EldritchCleavage · 30/08/2013 17:38

Oh blimey, she arrived with her stroppy pants on, didn't she? I don't think what you said was unreasonable or unkind, and there seems to have been more than a little guilt trippery in what she had to say to you.

Mind you, we can make merry quips but it isn't nice for you, not least as you will have to explain her sudden absence to your DSD.

I suppose there is no point in talking to her until she has calmed down, and you will have to look determined if she is to accept the new regime. Change the locks, wait for her to ring you. If she hasn't done it in 3 weeks time, your DH could invite her to tea or something and take it from there.

Katisha · 30/08/2013 17:44

I think changing the locks will add fuel to her flames actually. It shouldnt now be necessary. I suppose if she lets herself in AGAIN then you might have to do it.
I reckon it's over to DH now to back you up. You sound like you were reasonableness itself.
What a remarkably silly woman she is and, as has been said on here before, the architect of her own misery.
(And yes - be on guard now for the sudden "illnesses" and "crises" that will occur as a result of all this.)

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 30/08/2013 17:52

I'm late to this but, OP, I want to give you a standing ovation! You handled it very assertively ? polite but firm ? and she has been loopy unreasonable.

She was 'allowing' you your independence? How magnanimous Hmm
And yes, the rest of her visit just sounds like a massive tantrum.

TBH the previous comments about a 'difficult baby' who 'wont be put down' would have been the final straw for me.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 30/08/2013 18:02

I would change the locks because if she's taken on board what you've said and respects it she won't need to be letting herself in, will she?!

Lethologica · 30/08/2013 18:40

What a silly moo! Shock

OP, it sounds like you were very restrained.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 30/08/2013 19:14

well done op!

but did she give the bag of clothes back?

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 30/08/2013 19:18

Well done for standing your ground, though I'd also say change the locks. She clearly just doesn't get where you're coming from - either she's intentionally being awkward or she truly can't see. Either way, that is not your problem. She has taken things from your property, has no respect for boundaries (you, your right to a family life, your property) and as such, deserves no place in your life until she can remedy that. What happens now is down to her.

You sound like a great mum and stepmum and she should be bloody grateful that her granddaughter has someone like you on her side.

2rebecca · 30/08/2013 19:34

I wouldn't change the locks yet, mainly because changing locks is a hassle especially if you have 5 lever mortice locks. I'd be hoping she has time out and sees sense. The comments on all her kids hating her do make it sound as though she has had this conversation before and her over reaction isn't normal.
Don't contact her, give her time to calm down and see how things go.
If she lets herself in and nicks the washing/ does stuff uninvited again you change the locks then.

angeltattoo · 30/08/2013 20:51

I just can't conceive of a person thinking it is in any way acceptable or normal to take laundry from someone else's house, then waltz around their home, putting said laundry away, as if they own the place.

I like m privacy, and as a grown woman am also Confused and Angry on your behalf!

Well done fairy for tackling this head on, it soooo needed to be done.

Make sure DH presents a clear united front, she can have her tantrum, leave it for her to contact you, and ensure future meetings in your home take place on your terms.

At no point did you mention contact with her grandchildren - how mad must she be, to have heard that from what you said?

and as for suggesting you are struggling, as evidenced by the fact you cuddle your baby, further batshit crazy talk right there

Dubjackeen · 30/08/2013 20:58

Well done OP. You were very dignified. I hope that she sees the light, and cops on a bit, in her behaviour. Hope you can have some well earned Cake or Wine tonight.

auntpetunia · 30/08/2013 21:35

She sounds a bit obssessed with your DSD ?you're not being fair to her by not keeping her room tidy! I hope you told her it was up to 8 year old DSD to keep her own room tidy and that granny constantly taking stuff from the room as nd ultimately the house was unfair as she couldn't find her own stuff!

I hope your DH is on board now to back you up as she is going to kick off big style I reckon.

LegoLegoEverywhere · 30/08/2013 22:10

Good post Viking.

Your mil has no boundaries with you, she thinks its acceptable to take things from your house anytime she likes and cannot see that this is wrong.

Batten down the hatches OP because this is not over. While you are lovely and tolerant, she is not. She'll badmouth you to family and/or feint illness next.

Change the locks asap. She has not taken any responsibility for her dysfunctional behaviour so will ignore anything you say, no matter how reasonable you have been.

tiggerishtom · 30/08/2013 22:17

Well done, sounds like you handled it perfectly!!!!!

acer12 · 30/08/2013 23:05

My mil was similar. I don't think it's about her thinking you can't cope, I think it's really about her feeling needed.

My mil used to let herself in my house and clean up whole we was in work and no one could understand why it was pissing me off lol . It is about boundaries and there was a stand off situation when dd2 was born, but things are better now I did that.

My ex mil is lovely, was helpful when it was needed and was not pushy at all so I've seen both sides.

Regarding DSD you might have to let her be the queen be with her as she was there first but with your new baby, you got to subtley let her know who is momma bear.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 30/08/2013 23:11

Still all quiet on the western front!
DH was an eye roller when I told him. He says he's not surprised at the tactics employed and to ignore her. He says she will have forgotten all about it in a few weeks and will claim not to have even had the conversation! He has agreed that if when things are back on an even keel she tries to pull the same stunts that he will put his foot down with her.

He feels (and I agree to an extent) that revoking key would be overkill and add fuel to the fire, but has quietly text FIL asking him to put the key in a 'safe' (read, hidden) place and has emphasised that it is for EMERGENCIES only.
BTW i am Shock at 'regularly gets cancer'!! What is wrong with these people?!

The funniest thing about this whole thing and I think what has shocked MIL the most is that this isn't even the most extreme her behaviour has ever been, it was just the tip of the iceburg.

I was talking about it to a friend today and she was Shock - I think being around someone normal after being immersed in daily nuttyness drove it home.

Did I ever tell you about the time she drank the babies formula? when I joked that I had semi skimmed in the fridge she told me how nice it was and how she used to put DSD's on her cereal. ON HER CEREAL.

OP posts:
MovingForward0719 · 30/08/2013 23:29

Blimey. I could tell you a million stories but I daren't. Sadly I think stuff like this is why my bil's relationships don't last. There is a kind of 3 way parenting going on between him, his ex and my mil. His latest partner has moved out and into a flat of her own, although they are still together, I suspect it is down to mil meddling. I don't get involved, the whole drama fest keeps her off my back!!

CoconutRing · 30/08/2013 23:30

Oh my goodness Fairy - she is barking isn't she!!

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 30/08/2013 23:37

Spoke too soon.
FIL has text DH.
MIL is suffering from depression and insomnia and 'in a very bad way'.

DH is getting cold feet.

OP posts:
mrspaddy · 30/08/2013 23:46

Uh oh.... Thought this was coming.

Deja vu... Have dealt with a similar woman. Hmmm... She is sick and the innocent party ... Hmm

Dh needs to stick to his guns and support you