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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

363 replies

Fairy1303 · 28/08/2013 05:25

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 31/08/2013 08:34

My lovely MIL does quite a bit around the house when she looks after my DS. BUT, it is always stuff we are happy for her to do eg. DS's laundry, stacking dishwasher. And i am hugely grateful! However, the key thing is that she knows our respective roles. BUT, we did go through an awkward period of adjustment when DS was born, as our roles were changing and all the emotion of a new baby was flowing around.

I think that you are doing the right thing, but bear in mind that it might all settle down naturally too as you all come out of the post-birth phase.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 08:37

Can FiL maybe give her more attention or spend more time doing things with her to take the heat off?

Or may be OP could start leaving 'decoy' washing about, as a last resort?

If DSD was in a sports team she could do their kit?

Sort some stained stuff out for her to dye / sort out? Mending for her to do?

wheredidiputit · 31/08/2013 08:42

Olympics, The difference is your MIL is helping for a few days. Not treating your home as her own.

Fairy the only conversation I would have with FIL would be to suggest he takes MIL to the doctors for help with her 'depression'. And that it is not a excuse to treat you badly.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 08:43

Maybe she could iron DH's shirts every week?

A nice defined task which DH will have to tackle if goes wrong.

Viking1 · 31/08/2013 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 31/08/2013 08:50

daftdame why should she lock things away in cupboards and the garage in her own house to guard against an uninvited person barging in and removing things at will? That's an intolerable way to have to live. Far better to get the "intruder" to back off and learn acceptable boundaries.

'Depression' my arse!

auntpetunia · 31/08/2013 08:52

Olympics earlier on Fairy said she's left MIL with a few tasks that needed doing while she took DSD out MILs response was "sorry didn't have time to do those" BUT she'd gone upstairs tidied DSDs room and taken a bag of clothes which Fairy had put to one side for a friend as well as all DSDs washing!

She's not interested in helping only in guarding her precious granddaughter from fairy who isn't being fair to said DSD by not keeping the 8 year olds room tidy!

She's got problems! fairy hope your DH doesn't waiver ?I recommend response back to FIL "oh God that makes sense, she's got mental health problems ?what's the Dr said?" That will promptly stop any talk of depression etc, because I bet she'd hate you to think she was unstable.

Good luck

Nanny0gg · 31/08/2013 08:54

TBH I think the only way forward is for her to be treated and act like, a guest.

So, comes when specifically invited (Sunday lunch) or when specific arrangements have been made, preferably with FiL in tow as well. She is not allowed upstairs at all (unless there is no downstairs loo).
She is given no jobs - not even washing up, and all offers are politely declined.

And make very, very sure that she leaves empty-handed...

bootsycollins · 31/08/2013 08:55

Stay strong Fairy your almost there. Defo go with the concerned " oh no mil is having mental health problems, lets get her an appointment at the doctors first thing Monday morning". Your situation has gone way past any compromise deals it's time for you and dh to stand your ground, no arguments. You can make a shit sandwich out of it for her " oh mil its's high time you stopped to smell the roses, I really feel undermined and upset when you continue to ignore my requests, I just want you and the DC to enjoy each others company".

daftdame · 31/08/2013 09:00

clam Of course she shouldn't have to but the OP said they didn't want to change the locks. This was just a short term solution. The MiL may have depression (quite badly), it would explain the, quite frankly, strange behaviour.

However I do not think the OP should give in to MiL's destructive and divisive behaviour just recognise it is not her own (OP's) fault. Doing this would vindicate the MiL and perhaps feed a denial of how wrong her behaviour has become.

Viking1 · 31/08/2013 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTomHardy · 31/08/2013 09:29

Just found this thread.

Please don't give in to your MIL. If you give in now this will be your life forever more.

MovingForward0719 · 31/08/2013 09:31

I think the issue here is that she has slit seen the control slipping away from her. She

MovingForward0719 · 31/08/2013 09:38

... was used to playing the central part in your DH and SDD lives and then you came along. MILs seem to go abut batty when a new baby comes along. This isn't about seeing the kids, it's about having control. I think the key thing here is that she really wants to be able to let herself into your home, I would be taking that key away. Could you not get DH to go visit his mum once a week for an hour or two without you,so
she gets to see the kids regularly and do stuff at your house for more social moments like birthdays etc. This seems to work for us, though my mil has started to push against it recently, I think maybe because she has fallen out with bil's girlfriend. Let her sulk. Don't react.

angeltattoo · 31/08/2013 10:04

I think previously she was 'mother', having had kids, and you were just 'DS girlfriend/wife'. Now you are a mother in your own right, this strengthens and reinforces your role of mother, and she no likely.

Tough shit. Please don't let her make DSD golden child, your DS will be scapegoat by default. You sound like a lovely SM, don't let EMIL come between and damage the relationship between your children.

angeltattoo · 31/08/2013 10:05

Strengthens your role of stepmum, I mean!

Sawdust · 31/08/2013 10:10

Just another voice saying 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

The illness was so predictable, wasn't it!

If you give in now you will be in a worse position than before because she will know:

a) that is right

b) exactly what to do to 'make you behave' next time (and there will be one, oh yes!)

Sawdust · 31/08/2013 10:11

that SHE is right, of course!!

clam · 31/08/2013 10:11

As someone else said upthread, I don't think that giving her select little jobs to do is the answer. It just blurs the boundaries. And anyway, you've tried that and she bulldozered through the idea and did what she wanted to do.

You really need to continue to be firm about this (to your dh as well) and say "I'm sorry to hear she's feeling this way, but I really cannot continue with having her accessing my home like this." As if "depression" Hmm could be magically cured by being allowed to rifle through your laundry and get her own way!

aderynlas · 31/08/2013 10:15

Fairy, I think you have been very kind and sound like a lovely dil. Hope your mil sees how silly she is being. She will miss out on being a grandmother to both of your children if she continues this way.

daftdame · 31/08/2013 10:15

clam Grin

"As if "depression" hmm could be magically cured by being allowed to rifle through your laundry and get her own way!"

Just think, 'launderette therapy", "cleaning therapy" etc. Government would love it. People would have to work unpaid for 'therapeutic' reasons....

daftdame · 31/08/2013 10:16

^That I may add is a horrible outrageous thought!

GreenEggsAndNichts · 31/08/2013 10:42

This is why I leapt at the chance to live far far away from the inlaws. We might consider moving closer again once his other siblings have had children, but while we're the only ones? No way.

Dubjackeen · 31/08/2013 10:49

Stick to your guns OP. If she is depressed, or claiming to be, then she genuinely needs help, and that is the angle your husband must take in this. Some excellent advice up thread from people who have obviously seen the outcome of similar situations. Wishing you the strength you will need, and your husband needs to stand strong, on your side.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 31/08/2013 11:00

Agree with what clam said, her depression (if indeed she is depressed) will not be cured by rifling through your washing. She's kind of shot herself in the foot by playing the depression card IMO. Either she genuinely does have depression, in which case she needs to focus on herself and not worry about others, meaning that you can present y