In thinking MIL is seriously overstepping

[Fairy1303]

I have posted similar before.

DSD(8) lives with us. Before me DH was a young single parent so MIL helped him a lot. As a result I have been more lenient with her blatant disregard for our family life.

We also have a 9 week old DS.

These things seem small, but she often lets herself into my house. She makes a beeline for DSDs room ( often with a brief you don't mind do you?... Over her shoulder), cleans it up, collects her laundry, makes her bed.

DSD went to stay for a few days over hols. Decided she didn't like a belt on some trousers. MIL "oh DSD says she doesn't like belt, so I have kept it." Why? Why not send it home and let me deal with it??

She 'popped' round today, asked me if she could take the children's washing home. Was visibly surprised and annoyed when I said I'd done it. Just to point up here - I'm not the type to have mountains of laundry piling up, she will literally leap on a few pairs of pants.

She also said "by the way, I'd you know the baby has a drs app on tues? I saw the note in your nappy bag. Who does she think made it????!!!

I may be sleep deprived over sensitive but this is lik, every other day. She is overstepping the mark isn't she??

It is constant. I feel that she thinks I am incapable, which I'm not.

Oh and we have lived together for 4 years now so I'm hardly new on the scene!

Noooo! DH was doing so well!

I have told DH to text dad and tell him it is not a conversation for text (ironic) and that he will speak to him in the morning.

We will formulate a proper response overnight I think.

I'm inclined to say that she is making me bloody depressed and I am an insomniac due to my 'difficult' baby but I don't go around bloody complaining!

If she is depressed then she needs to visit the docs.

Does FIL generally enable her behaviour? If not what does he want to achieve by telling you she is depressed and insomniac?

This was accurately predicted in Viking's "flying monkeys/mysterious illness" post.

OP your updates have been a bit like in-law bingo for me.

Everything is coming along as though your MIL has a list to tick off.

Not getting her own way? Can't understand why.

Someone feels she's at fault? How can she be, she's tried to help and has "allowed" you your space. (Allowed always provokes me though. PIL's used to 'let' us have some time together as a family. As in "We will only stay a couple of hours and then we will let you have some time alone." )

You've made a reasonable request? No, you've been ungracious, undermining and unfair.

You've tried to talk to her as equals? She's flounced out and is now calling depression and wondering why everyone hates her.

You didn't give in? Lets guilt trip your DH instead.

I hope your DH is strong enough to stick by what's right for you and your children and doesn't give in to this manipulative nonsense. Good luck for tomorrow. Experience tells me you are going to need it.

hope dh and you stay strong...if you dont sort it this time, she will just make it more difficult next time..imagine dsds teenage years...granny will soon start to use these manipulative tactics on her..i would say sorry to hear she is unwell, but that it doesnt change the conversation you previously had. xxx

Oh dear fairy it sounds like you have got a bit of a narcissist on your hands. Google narcissistic mothers...there are lots of pages full of advice and info.

I hope you find a way though. It's really hard to hold your own with Narcissists because they know how to railroad boundaries, move the goal posts, trigger guilt etc... it will all be about her.

You are doing well. FIL must be a bit aware of what she's like ?

YANBU imo. It would drive me nuts too.

It means you can't pad about with no clothes on, or do other things in private, or nap or poop in peace. Laundry is very personal. DSD is going to be turning into a young woman in the next few years, which means she will be wanting underwear or other women's products she doesn't want grandma seeing.

I would be constantly on-edge that she was watching the way I was looking after DS, and judging the state of the house.

Is there anything you could get her to do to 'ween her off' being involved in such a personal way? Send her out on errands or to buy food or something?

If it were me, I think I would be sitting her down with coffee and cake and being really kind, honest and boundaried. Meaning, I would thank her for all she does, say what a big help it has been and how appreciated it is, but that I needed space/privacy now, and would prefer for her to have the fun stuff with GD rather than chores.

Good luck!

Sorry, didn't realise there was more than one page... wow... just reading now...

Fairy, I remember about the formula. The thread was about something else, but that just made me scream WTF?

Honestly, she is barking.

And depression is a serious illness, not the same as having a sulk cos she isn't getting her own way.

NnnnnOooooo!!!

DH must stick with you on this, any chink in a presenting a united front and she will take that as carte blanch to a) continue to piss on you and your home b) feel invincible and ramp it up

She really, really hates you doesn't she? She must have hated you coming along and usurping her as 'mother' to her son's children. But she honestly feels like she is wonderful for 'allowing' you to play at being wife and mum, and cannot bear you being anything but subserviant and grateful. Oh fairy, why won't you just learn your much lower place?

Ok, this really is it. DO NOT BACK DOWN ONE TINY BIT. Pressure might be put on you, as a reasonable person, to do so, but please don't! You've done the hard bit, now you just breezily repeat a stock phrase of 'we've discussed this. Thereis nothing else to say'. It is already resolved, bhlah blah blah...

If she is ill, she needs to see a Dr, of course a simple, reasonable conversation can't have possible actually made her ill, haha at the suggestion, breezy, breezy..

And never let that woman up the stairs of your home again. It's completely unnecessary, she now knows this. If she does, keys back for sure. She can then arrange with her DS when to visit him when he will be in.

Am grrrrrrrr on your behalf!

Ovenbun makes a good point about sorting this before your DSD becomes a teenager. The last thing you will want when dealing with normal teenage problems is an interfering granny sticking her nose in and making things worse.

Hope you manage to present a united front today. Her depression and insomnia are a red herring. She cannot have developed depression over just what has been said this week. If she already had depression and insomnia then then that is a different issue totally and she needs to speak to her GP. It is simply not relevant to your discussion.

your dh needs to back you up here. being depressed is not an excuse you use to get your own way. all your dh has to say to fil is 'I'm sorry if mil isn't well however that doesn't not give her the right to enter our house as and when, nor does it give her the right to keep removing things without permission. seeing the kids has never been an issue but the other stuff has to stop'. and argument at her helping needs to be met with her not to let herself in and that removing things is not helping, its causing problems. maybe dh should point out that of she wanted to help she should ask how not assume she knows best. its quite obvious your mil isn't going to do that.

and maybe ask him to say fairy is cooing fine with the kids, it's mil and her invasions and removal of items she isn't coping with

it takes 5 mins to change the barrel of a lock, even a 5 lever. if she does overstep again then change them.

Do not give in Fairy. She is manipulating you. She's making it all about her and making out you are the unreasonable one as "she was only trying to help"
She sounds very controlling. My mother is very similar but perhaps more extreme (uses violence as a method of control as well as guilting and selective memory). Google NPD. I think this is what my mother has.
I gave my mother chance after chance, went low contact and in the end cut her off. She was a negative influence in my life and I'm scared of her. She still believes she has done nothing wrong. Ever.
I'm not suggesting you should cut your mil off but you do need to regain control of your own home.

'Depression' isn't something you develop over night. What she has is, in professional terms, is called ''nose out of joint syndrome''

If she is clinically depressed then FIL should be actively encouraged to get her to the docs. In fact i think that it might be an idea to run with that theory.

Very serious: ''oh God MIL is experiencing mental health problems. This explains allot. Let get her to the docs, yes?.''

That might put an end to the 'depression' terminology being bandied about.

what fluffy said

Fairy,

Welcome to the world of the toxic narcissist inlaw. I would also think your H's mother is a narcissist.

re this comment:-
"She doesn't understand where she went wrong with her children so that they all hate her so much".

That comment above says it all (its because she was and remains a poor example of parenting). I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as a starting point. I see too that MIL has pulled the usual illness stunt following your discussion aided and abetted by toxic FIL. You have a long and difficult road ahead of you which may ultimately end up in you cutting these people out.

Your H needs to wise up and fast; his own family unit is at risk of being further undermined here. Unfortunately due to years of conditioning on the part of his not so nice parents, he is unwilling and unable to see the harm being done in from of him.

Also if she is a narcissist she's already pegged your DSD as the golden child. I would keep your children well away from her and her enabler H; such types always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

My Mil is staying with us for a few days as CM is on holiday. I work FT. The first day while i was at work she did 3 hours of ironing including my clothes. Then over the last few days she has done masses of laundry which was left in each of our rooms all neatly folded and pressed, looked after DS aged 21 months, made us a lovely dinner, cleaned the bathrooms, washed the kitchen floor and asked if she could empty the kitchen drawers and clean them.
What a complete bitch!
Seriously i gave her a hug and thanked her for everything she had done for us. Perhaps you could be less defensive and more grateful that someone is trying to help when you are exhausted with a baby.

The difference being, Olympics, that you ASKED your MIL to help.

If she is seriously depressed it means she is not thinking rationally which means you have to be the voice of reason. Her behaviour could be a symptom of it, so you make allowances in terms of not hating her, but you don't enable her to carry on with the incorrect behaviour, or provide further temptation for her to be able to carry on with it.

So you can be understanding as in 'Ah that is why she thinks this is OK' but reassure yourself it is not the way she should be acting. May be get a locking wardrobe and take the key away! All washing from the basket goes in the machine and if you have a garage may be lock some stuff up in there when you go out. That is if you don't want to change locks.

nose out of joint syndrome

It is only help olympic if you want and welcome it.

In this case, it's someone intruding, unwanted and unwelcome, in Fairy's home and privacy.

Following this thread with bated breath........ be strong fairy

and asked if she could empty the kitchen drawers and clean them.

She asked!

She didn't let herself into your home, or barge past you and march straight upstairs, taking things from people's rooms (without asking so that OP has no idea where things are) and generally take over when not wanted.

I wish that people would at least read the OP's posts, if not the rest of the thread!

No-one would like this level of interference - it's insane!