to just give my dd the foods she will actually eat?

[macnab]

Our little girl will be 3 in October. Was bf and did blw with her and she was a great eater for a long time. When she was about 18/20 months she got a tummy bug and went off food, fair enough, but she hasn't returned to 'normal' eating habits since.

She will eat the following:

Shreddies or Weetabix (with warm milk)
Bread or toast (white) with butter
Pancakes (I put 2 eggs in the batter) only spread with apricot jam, nothing else
Yoghurt
Fruit of any sort but her favourite is banana, pineapple, pear, peach & kiwi

My husband thinks we're too soft on her, and that if she was hungry enough she'd eat the lunch/dinner. But I haven't the heart to send her to bed hungry because she won't eat the dinner we're having and is begging for Weetabix. Her 5 yr old brother is a good eater so she sees the rest of us eating meals, she just really doesn't want to eat anything else. Last night I gave her a small serving of pasta and sausage and she went to bed hungry (told me she was hungry) having not touched a bite.

On the one hand I worry that she's not getting enough nutritionally (I give her a dose of Kiddy Pharmaton each day but am worried about protein) but at the same time I don't want to make an issue of food and I am hoping its something she'll grow out of. My husband thinks that at almost 3 she should have grown out of it by now and we should take a firmer approach. BTW she's never ill, isn't underweight and is a really happy little soul.

Opinions?

I don't have a lot to add to the really good advice you have been given, just a small thing that worked with DD. I got her the book "Green eggs and ham" and she got into shouting "miam, miam NO!" everytime the guy (animal?) refuses the food and then clapping at the end when he tries it and likes it. Then whenever I offered her new food I would quote bits of the book and it would turn her mood from stressed and annoyed to giggly. I think it helped her understand that she could try new things, but I do let her spit them out if she doesn't like them so the whole experiment is positive even if she doesn't like that particular food.

Oh lentils are very good for iron which is quite difficult to get enough of if the child refuses all meats.

People who haven't had any experience of a truly bad eater haven't got a clue. Not one single clue. It is a correct assumption that it makes people want to punch them in their smug faces.

Is the same as people who haven't had sleep problems saying "well I just put mine to bed, shut the door, and that was that. They slept til morning". It's complete and utter self-satisfied, ignorant bollocks.

And yes, young children will absolutely starve themselves. To say they won't is a ridiculous and frighteningly ignorant statement to make.

expat's advice earlier was spot on. Just give her a plate with a mixture of things she likes and things she doesn't like. Then take it away when she's finished without comment. If nothing else it at least keeps her used to having new foods in front of her and will hopefully stop her freaking out whenever something she doesn't like appears on her plate!

It's horribly worrying I know but it's just one of those things. A long as she's healthy, happy, and a decent weight she's ok.

SaucyJack I completely agree that you shouldn't reinforce a restricted diet by only offering that.

But I think what all the parents of fussy eaters on this thread are saying is that it isn't as simple as serve healthy food, don't pander and stay calm. Given excellent role models, excellent boundaries and clear reinforcement without threats or bribery etc some small children still find food overwhelming and eat a restricted diet. I think what you describe is a necessary but not a sufficient condition for creating children who are confident with food from an early age.

Soothing routines, dark bedrooms which are not too warm, and cots with familiar toys may all be necessary for small babies to learn to self-settle. But some of the little beggars take longer to do this nevertheless (I'm looking at you DD).

SaucyJack, we did give DS what we ate and then fir mi apparent reason he stopped eating.

If you'd have read my post you would have seen that I took the Health Visitors advice of giving him what we are and if he didn't eat it nothing else as he wouldn't starve himself. That is exactly what he did for 4 days solid to the point where he was having stomach cramps, serious lethargy and he went rediculously pale so ended up in hospital on a drip!

He has done this twice under medical guidance for dieticians notes at which point we were told to reintroduce foods that he will eat as otherwise he would end up very ill.

We've seen dieticians, nutritionalists, allergy specialists and therapists and there is no conclusive answer to why DS appears to have developed a food phobia (well they can only assume given the panic attacks) at such a young age.

We've had to work bloody hard to get him to eat what he does, regardless of how (UN)healthy they may be, so yes I do get a bit defensive when ignorant twats tell me its my fault and that i'm pandering or spoiling him!

Instead of giving her a plate of dinner, can you give her each thing in separate bowls so she can pick individual tastes? If she's been eating such a limited diet for a long time, too many new tastes and textures may be overwhelming. So if you're having pasta bolognase, a bowl of plain pasta, a bowl of sauce (you could have sauce and meat sepately but that would mean cooking a small bit of mince on its own, a bowl of cheese to top it with etc.

I agree that a new childminder may help as they won't automatically pander to her like her gm does.

It's a long term change, but it needs to happen or she'll still be eating just those things at 7, 10, 12 etc.

Oh and just to add we do actually have "trying times" on a Sunday, Wednesday and Fridays where he has a teaspoon of a new food, this again was on guidance from therapis.

Please don't feel upset or defensive Peanut, and certainly don't feel the need to justify yourself to some random know-it-all knob head on the Internet. You are doing what's best for your son, that's all that matters.

There will always be people unable to see further than the end of their noses. Easy as it is to say I know, you mustn't let people who have never looked outside their own perfect bubble make you feel guilty for something that absolutely is not anyone's fault. Just be glad that your boy has you for a parent rather than someone who would prefer to see him on a drip than cook him a separate meal

I hope things start to improve for him soon.

I think that you would be better off getting her interested in food again , rather than trying to change her diet..... She has gone off food and now only eats foods that feel safe to her..... So get her to choose something off the deli counter in the supermarket, make pizzas rolling out your own dough, chopping up toppings etc, go vege picking, if she likes pancakes get her to make them with you and push berries into them when cooking. Then you can progress to making savoury ones. I go think that children who enjoy cooking , growing , making food also enjoy eating it

I agree rewards aren't a good idea- I probably wasn't very clear. My son just had a sticker chart and he just got a sticker every time he tried a new food. No big deal if he didn't- he just liked to get a sticker. He had a real problem with food and this is one of the strategies that got him over it, among the other tactics I mentioned.(the main one being NOT making a big deal out of it all). This is one of Supernanny's very successful techniques.

I should add that it took at least 3 years of being consistent with my techniques before my son was eating a good range of foods- it's a long difficult frustrating process with no guarantee of success!

My friend, who is a consultant paediatrician, has a son who is really very fussy and eats no vegetables whatsoever.

She is incredibly relaxed about it and never forces anything on him or cajoles him into trying new things.

I had severe emetophobia as a teen and on bad days would only eat dry white bread. The most random things were kn my banned list (tinned fruit, anything frozen, any meat or fish, rice) What helped me was "eat something scary every day" when I would have one thing that scared me, and how I felt on the day determined how far I pushed myself. Obviously I was older than your daughter and this was all done myself not from my parents or anyone else. I would definitely not recommend getting your daughter to divide foods into safe and scary!!! But trying something every day is a good rule. Even a tiny nibble is progress. Reward for doing it rather than punish for not, and accept that some days she just won't. I saw a tv program Bout a child who wouldn't eat once (she had multiple medical and developmental issues), but by the end of it she would lick things even though she wouldn't eat them, which was seen as a very good sign, could you try that?

The problem with the approach of never encouraging or cajoling them into trying new things is that some of these children end up as adults with a very limited diet of only chips and bread and chocolate for example. Yes, some children get over it on their own but plenty don't. Turniptwirl above is a good example of where trying new things CAN work.

But TurnipTwirl said herself she did it on her own terms. I agree with encouraging to try things. I think that means saying 'Would you like to try some of this?' and if the DC has a bit saying 'It's great that you tried it', even if they spit it out straightaway. But not making any response beyond 'OK then' if they refuse.

Cajoling I think of as Mrs Doyle going 'Oh Gwan, gwan gwan gwan gwan gwan gwan gwan'. I'd find that kind of pestering pretty off-putting whilst I was eating. If I cared a lot for the opinion of the person doing it I might feel upset by it. Or I might play up to it once I realised how much this trying business obviously mattered.

It is incredibly hard to stay unemotional but there is a doublebind with getting over-invested with 'fixing' fussy-eating, which is that it can perpetuate the problem rather than solve it (absolutely not meaning children with issues like your DS here PeanutMD). Hence all the handwavy back-off stuff, which can seem a bit like ignore it and it will go away but isn't quite the same message.

This happened to a friend of mine when her DD was 2.5yo. She basically weaned her again on purrees, she started from the very beginning with small amounts of proper baby food and built it up. Her daughter is now 3.5 and eating normally again. Could this be worth a try, especially if she will eat the ellas kitchen pouches?

Mac an, you find it interesting to read the thread about resistant eaters in behaviour and development. You are not alone in dealing with this worrying phase.

Agreed Penelope it is all very very difficult. I do agree that it's imperative to be firm, consistent, but NOT let the child realise its a big deal. I did make that mistake and learnt from it, and the approach which did work was quiet encouragement without fuss, but at the same time making it clear he needed to make an effort to try new foods. But I'm not commenting on the very severe examples, only on the more usual very fussy food refusers

My DCs would happily live on weetabix and yogurt if I let them,

To make sure they eat their dinners I don't let them have any snacks in the hour or two before dinner time so they work up an appetite.

If they refuse dinner I don't make any fuss or try to force the issue - I just put the dinner away and say that's fine. If they come back to me 30 mins later saying they're hungry I offer the dinner again. I find after about an hour they gobble the dinner. Then after that they are free to have fruit, yogurt or rice cakes or milk.

I think long term it's in your child's interest to ensure they have a varied diet - even if that means they feel a bit hungry for a little while.

Saucyjack Yeah, you have it all worked out in your little judgemental mindset. I just give him McDonalds when he won't eat his dinner Except that, guess what, my ds wouldn't even eat a McDonalds, it took him 3 days to try a smartie ffs. My ds is not spoilt and does not get given junk food having refused his dinner. But I will not send a two year old to bed crying with nothing in his stomach, that is neglect in my book, if I have to let him have weetabix or toast for supper I will.

My younger sister was allowed to eat only what she would eat when growing up, and now she is nearly an adult - who still eats pretty much nothing, esp no veg or fruit, and has stunted growth and generally very unhealthy. Been major issues with her health due to the lack of proper nutrition. I would not risk all the problems that can happen to her in life, and all the social problems too, that may follow allowing her to decide her food. Tough it out for your daughters sake. Short term pain for life time gain!

Runes- neglect? Bit strong. Others might argue that sending them to bed having only had toast to eat is neglect too! Not quite sure why you think you're right and Saucyjack is 'judgmental'.

I had food phobias as a child from a very young age and terrible emetophobia. I am so grateful to my mother for not making me go hungry or trying to force me to eat things I didnt want to. Going on holiday was horrendously stressful for me as I didn't have access to 'safe' foods that I ate at home. Anxiety about food made me feel sick and it became a vicious circle. Going to restaurants was hellish for me.

Now I am a very adventurous eater because I am wheat and dairy intolerant and got very bored with my diet in the end.

OP I would suggest a very gentle approach, and avoid bribery, cajoling, etc.

Even if my mum had sought professional help I am not sure it would have helped much-I think I just needed masses of time to get over my fear and dislike of so many foods.

I would have starved as a child rather than eat certain foods. I think its important nnot to underestimate just how frightening and repulsive some foods can be to some children in certain circumstances. In my case it was nothing to do with just wanting to eat sweet stuff, it was far more complicated than that.

Wtf. Have you read the thread, I don't just offer toast. If my ds goes to bed just having eaten toast it is because he will have refused to eat the full home cooked dinner he was given earlier. I reserve the right to believe that sending a two year old child to bed having eaten nothing refusing them even plain cereal or toast is fucking cruel.

peanut the list of foods your son eats is similar in its lack of variety to what I ate as a child. And i would for example only eat granny smith apples, no other kind. The one time I tried a red apple it made me feel really sick and my parents had to cancel a night out because of it. Trying new things made things much worse for me until I was much older, in my teens. It was horrible being so anxious all the time about food, I have no idea what triggered it, but it was a constant source of stress.I feel for your ds.

she's never ill, isn't underweight and is a really happy little soul.
^^ this she is fine you are fine you are aware that more diversity of her diet would not go amiss but she is TWO. Don't worry Op.