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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with this reading group member?

139 replies

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 20:08

I am in a book club with four former colleagues. We?ve been meeting for years and take it in turns to choose a book and host the book club in our own home, which involves providing food and drink. However, one member has only ever hosted the book club once and has since then avoided having us round her home with a series of excuses and tends to prevail upon another member who lives ten miles away.

What this means in practise for me is that I am either (a) hosting the book club, which I do enjoy but it does involve spending money, clearing up, etc or (b) driving myself and this person (who can?t drive) to the other venues which means I can?t drink or (c) spending £10 on a cab fare if I want to have a drink.

As she is the only one who lives near me, I resent missing out on what I see as my turn to be entertained, have a drink and walk a short distance home afterwards. She, meanwhile, always gets to be entertained in someone else?s house, drinks as much as she wants, then gets a free lift home.

I?ve put up with the situation for a long while but AIBU to be getting really pissed off about it? Or am I just getting things out of perspective?

OP posts:

youngblowfish · 26/08/2013 23:19

What would your ideal (realistic) outcome be? I know you'd like her to host more, but that is probably unlikely.

Would stopping the lifts help you feel less resentful? Then, TBH, I would probably come up with an excuse of my own as to why you can no longer offer these. If you are braver than me and better at confrontation, then you can just lay your cards on the table and say to her something along the lines of 'I understand you cannot drive and the situation is not your fault, but I am growing increasingly resentful about this and cannot continue to offer you lifts. I hope you understand.'

Would you be happy to keep sharing the cabs?

I feel for you, it is a crap position to be in and no obvious easy way out. But I think that you would hate to make her feel worse about herself than she already does.

Original poster

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 23:35

blowfish I think my ideal would be for her to feel comfortable about hosting in her own home when it's her turn. She did it once years ago and it was a great night. After that though there was a sequence of events that made it difficult for her: these are now partially resolved, and I think maybe she's just got out of the habit and/or possibly intimidated by other people's hosting.

Taking on board what everyone has said, including comments about my mean personality, I think I will try to reassure her that I'm not judging her hosting and housekeeping skills, which I'm really not.

I'm confident we'll be able to resolve this. As we live close to each other, I wouldn't resort to driving home and leaving her to get a cab.

OP posts:

Rosesarebeautiful · 26/08/2013 23:48

I do appreciate this is annoying for you

I've left a Bookgroup - for other reasons- but I disliked hosting because of the noise levels from cackling women who totally disregarded the needs of sleeping babies. as time passed the kids openly complained about the noise levels.

So then, when I decided I actually wasn't enjoying it much myself. I just stopped going.

Maybe meet in a cafe or bar?

youngblowfish · 26/08/2013 23:50

OK, so how about you offer more help? The only problem is, you are already feeling resentful, and the plan I am about to offer involves more giving. For the record, I don't think you are mean, far from it. But I think it would be fair on you if you approached the idea of you helping her feel more comfortable about hosting without any great expectation that it will result in a lasting change - after all, you have no control over how she deals with her social anxieties.

I would tell her:
That you understand how she feels about hosting - and then reassure her everyone feels the same way to a greater or lesser degree.
That you really enjoyed the night she hosted and would she mind doing it again?
That you understand she is out of habit - but you'd like to help her host and reassure her.
That there is great pleasure in hosting and that it is best to do it with a group that knows each other well and where no one will judge her.
Tell her to think of her house as the house of a stranger, someone she liked who offered to have her over - would she be means and judgmental? Of course she would not.

Then you can hope for the best.

EldritchCleavage · 27/08/2013 00:53

I wonder why everyone is fixating on this woman hosting in her own home as the only solution. Hosting outside her home, or contributing in other ways, are all possible contributions and you'd think after 10 years she might have offered to do either of those. Not offering to share taxi fare ever (if I've understood correctly) is a piss-take, issues or no issues.

valiumredhead · 27/08/2013 01:31

That would cheese me right off OP!

Next time you are deciding who is going to host,I would pipe up with 'as you don't like housing at your house why don't we go to the pub?'

Maybe she'll get the message then!

Original poster

TheFarSide · 29/08/2013 22:21

Update for anyone interested: I met this colleague today at a funeral. Perhaps because the day was focused on something bigger than our petty concerns, we were able to have a relaxed conversation during which the hosting subject came up naturally. She alluded to some problems she was having with her house, and I asked what was going on as I'd been looking forward to attending the next book club there. She told me there was a pest infestation which she was in the middle of having treated but she thought it would probably be sorted out in time for her to host the book club! So, I think she has reached a point where she realises it's about time she takes a turn at hosting and it's possible she has picked up on my growing irritation over the past few months. Instead of waffling vaguely about problems, she specified the exact issue so I didn't feel fobbed off. As a result, my anger has dissolved. Hopefully we've cracked it: even if the pests can't be eradicated in time for the next book club, I feel we are on the way to resolving the problem.

Thanks for all messages of support or constructive criticism .

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 29/08/2013 22:24

Fantastic news. Well done you.

valiumredhead · 29/08/2013 22:28

Pests? do you really want to spend the evening in a rat/mouse/flea infested house?

Original poster

TheFarSide · 29/08/2013 22:31

Fleas, actually.

How bad can it be?

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 29/08/2013 22:39

You don't like any of these women. WHy are you so fixated on making one of them obey you?

CocktailQueen · 29/08/2013 22:47

Our book club has a rota, which we set at the start of each year, saying when each person will host. Can you do that?

iwasyoungonce · 30/08/2013 23:03

Thanks for the update! Well done for broaching it sensitively.

maddening · 30/08/2013 23:49

I think if you always opted for the cab and cost her money (which if no one lived near then you would always be getting a cab or driving) she would either offer petrol money or drop out or host occasionally.

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