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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with this reading group member?

139 replies

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 20:08

I am in a book club with four former colleagues. We?ve been meeting for years and take it in turns to choose a book and host the book club in our own home, which involves providing food and drink. However, one member has only ever hosted the book club once and has since then avoided having us round her home with a series of excuses and tends to prevail upon another member who lives ten miles away.

What this means in practise for me is that I am either (a) hosting the book club, which I do enjoy but it does involve spending money, clearing up, etc or (b) driving myself and this person (who can?t drive) to the other venues which means I can?t drink or (c) spending £10 on a cab fare if I want to have a drink.

As she is the only one who lives near me, I resent missing out on what I see as my turn to be entertained, have a drink and walk a short distance home afterwards. She, meanwhile, always gets to be entertained in someone else?s house, drinks as much as she wants, then gets a free lift home.

I?ve put up with the situation for a long while but AIBU to be getting really pissed off about it? Or am I just getting things out of perspective?

OP posts:

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 21:07

I am not necessarily saying to ignore but I would recognise that there are reasons for her behaviour and try to find a solution.

Oldraver · 26/08/2013 21:09

I think she is rude to make jibes about your 'showhomes' while she is enjoying your hospitality there, and I would have to pull hr up on this at least.

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 21:14

Is it a jibe? It sounds like insecurity to me?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2013 21:16

Might I suggest a compromise - the book club is held in your house, but she does the catering, chooses the book, and clears up afterwards?

That way you don't have to drive or get a cab to the book club, but you aren't getting put-upon to do extra work.

EldritchCleavage · 26/08/2013 21:21

Tough. I know someone in this situation, who genuinely can't host her group. She deals with it by using a room in a local cafe, which all the others are happy to do. Of course, it involves everyone paying for their coffee and cake, but this woman contributes most of the baked goods the rest of the time so it evens out.

You can't force her to host, but she does need to contribute a bit more fairly. Kitty, using another venue, just throwing in some money now and again. 'Issues' aren't an excuse really.

Original poster

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:22

There is an underlying question of how far you collude with or keep on rescuing someone who has mental health issues. We are all former colleagues with a shared interest in reading (rather than best friends) and have all helped her out in various ways over the years but she's stuck in a bit of a helpless victim rut and is really getting on my nerves.

OP posts:

SilverApples · 26/08/2013 21:23

STD, I belonged to a book club for a couple of years, and I couldn't have anyone back to my house. Aspie DS would have had a meltdown at the invasion. I also didn't need the scrutiny of some of the more unusual adaptations in our home...
We used to bring food to the host's home and share, but I'd have happily done the catering if it had been an issue.
I'm sorry that the OP feels put-upon, I'm pleased my group let me belong as long as I could without it being an issue.
I hope you find a way to resolve the problems OP, and that she stays a member.

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 21:24

I think finding an alternative venue for her turn is a good idea,

Original poster

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:28

Some good suggestions ... although not sure I'd want her cleaning up in my house as it might feel a bit odd and I'd end up helping, plus she's accident prone and always pissed by the end of the evening.

OP posts:

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 21:29

Is there not a pub or cafe you could use for her evening?

Original poster

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:33

But having a child with Asperger's is a reasonable excuse SilverApples. The problem with this member is a series of excuses and I suspect, issues aside, on some level she just can't be bothered to make the effort.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 21:34

Could I ask please those who have said they themselves can't have people round, why not?

My group of friends are in the same situation eith another friend and we just don't know how to tackle it.

SilverApples · 26/08/2013 21:34

It's a valid reason, but it doesn't alter the fact that I was aware people might see me as a freeloader.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 21:36

Her mental health issues are obviously a bother to you. You sound incredibly mean to be honest. Colluding, rescuing, helpless victim... all pretty shitty ways to talk about someone.

SilverApples · 26/08/2013 21:38

Why not?
Well,in my case, DS would have attacked, or if confined to his room would have stamped and roared until the aliens left. For hours at volume.
For many people, they don't want others in and judging them and their home and then talking about it, especially if the visitors are colleagues and not friends.
Look how judgy MN is about sofas and pebbly shit and twigs and windchimes and...Then imagine you are an insecure woman.

Original poster

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:39

I might suggest the local pub Aris if she shows signs of bottling out yet again - it's her turn next. If we end up at the other faraway member's house, I'm going to suggest she pays the whole cab fare.

One previous excuse was that her mum was living there (it's a large three bedroom house) but her mum sadly died just under a year ago so she can't use that as an excuse anymore. The most recent excuse has been that the house is a hovel and her sister is living there.

When I next see her, buoyed up by this thread, I am going to confront her nicely. I'm going to say I'm really looking forward to having the book club at her place so I can walk there, be entertained, have a drink and walk home afterwards. If she starts to back out, I might just be honest and say it's making me resentful.

OP posts:

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 21:39

The problem with this member is a series of excuses and I suspect, issues aside, on some level she just can't be bothered to make the effort

But you can't just above the 'issues' aside if they are the four of her behaviour.

Why not stop being annoyed and accept her as she is or find another book group with some suitably stable and issue free people.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2013 21:40

I tend towards the opposite habit - I am not good at making myself go out to things, so I often volunteer to host, to the events come to me. Looking honestly, I don't think I do it too often, but in the light of this thread, I will think carefully before I offer again, so I don't piss my friends off.

I don't think I do piss them off - and when/if someone says it isn't convenient to come to me, or people prefer another option, I fall in with that without making a fuss - so hopefully I am not too much of an irritant.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 21:40

Woe. You seem intent on making this person crumble aren't you?

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 21:43

I agree silver apples , threads on here reveal how judge people are about other people's homes.

If she has mental health and anxiety issues she cannot put them to one side to play the hostess with the mostest.

You do sound quite cold, especially when talking about the death of her mother.

I don't think you are the right person to confront her.

Original poster

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:44

Do you really think I'm mean 20quid? This book club has been going for more than ten years, so I think I've been understanding for a long time.

Allowing someone to keep on behaving in a way that alienates people (and she has alienated quite a few people over the years) is not necessarily kind.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 21:46

I don't think you sound mean at all op. Surely if someone is well enough to accept someone ekses hospitality, they should return the favour.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 21:49

Given you are privy to the details of the state of her mental health, yes, I really do think you are mean.

Original poster

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:51

Actually, I have my own mental health/anxiety issues but try not to inflict them on other people. I'm not cold but I do believe we should confront our problems rather than running away from them and taking advantage of other people's sympathy and kindness.

OP posts:

leobear · 26/08/2013 21:51

I think you sound very unkind. Her mother died less than a year ago. She has mental health issues. And FFS, it's a book club!! How much can she possibly have taken from you, that you can't afford her a little generosity?

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