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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with this reading group member?

139 replies

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 20:08

I am in a book club with four former colleagues. We?ve been meeting for years and take it in turns to choose a book and host the book club in our own home, which involves providing food and drink. However, one member has only ever hosted the book club once and has since then avoided having us round her home with a series of excuses and tends to prevail upon another member who lives ten miles away.

What this means in practise for me is that I am either (a) hosting the book club, which I do enjoy but it does involve spending money, clearing up, etc or (b) driving myself and this person (who can?t drive) to the other venues which means I can?t drink or (c) spending £10 on a cab fare if I want to have a drink.

As she is the only one who lives near me, I resent missing out on what I see as my turn to be entertained, have a drink and walk a short distance home afterwards. She, meanwhile, always gets to be entertained in someone else?s house, drinks as much as she wants, then gets a free lift home.

I?ve put up with the situation for a long while but AIBU to be getting really pissed off about it? Or am I just getting things out of perspective?

OP posts:
leobear · 26/08/2013 22:18

Brilliant post, youngblowfish

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 22:19

Leobear, there is a friend in my social group who never hosts. We worked out that over the ten years, all the dinners etc its nearly 15000 pound between the rest of us, and not a penny from them.

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:22

In which case, arethere, you aren't their friend, are you? Because you resent them. So why have them over? Simply cast them aside, and remain friends only with people who match your every offering. To the penny.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:22

Just to be clear, she does bring a bottle of wine (we all take wine to each other's). It's not that she doesn't contribute ANYTHING, it's just that over the years I have done an awful lot of cooking, cleaning up, and ferrying her around. I'm not expecting like for like, but I would like to be able to go to a book club where I don't have to (a) host and clear up afterwards or (b) avoid drinking (while she gets pissed) or shell out £10 for a cab fare.

I'm due to see her later this week and will update.

OP posts:
RabbitIssue · 26/08/2013 22:23

I don't drive and my friend always drives us to our book club (held at a little cafe) I always pay for her food and drink (about £10 for each of us) to say thank you for driving. That would be usual behaviour I think

This thread has made me think, my friends often give me lifts to gatherings and when we do all get a cab together have never thought I should really pay whole fare as they usually drive. Will offer next time Smile

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 22:24

I am more shocked arethereanyleft that you have worked out the figure.

I am someone who often hosts things, I see that I have been lucky to
have a home with sufficient space and enough money to lay on a spread.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:24

Can you only be someone's friend if you are content to give endlessly and have no right to hope for anything in return? Is that friendship, or martyrdom?

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 22:25

Putting out a few nibbles is hardly martyrdom.

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:26

Grin Arisbottle. Genuinely laughed outloud

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:28

RabbitIssuethat's very generous of you. To be honest I would not expect a whole meal in return for driving but as a driver I would appreciate regular passengers buying the odd coke now and then. It's the recognition as much as anything else; it doesn't need to cover costs to the last penny. And that is a lovely thought about the cab fare - though you sound much more considerate generally than the OP's pal.

senua · 26/08/2013 22:29

I'm with you, OP. She seems to be using you and your good-naturedness. What do you get out of this situation? - is she good company, does she help in your literary appreciation of the book?
I don't see why you have to sub her just because you both once happened to work for the same employer.Hmm
It might be time to find that you have A Thing which means that you can't offer a lift anymore go straight from your house to the meeting.

youngblowfish · 26/08/2013 22:29

Nobody suggested the OP should be content to give endlessly, this thread is hardly an invitation to sainthood. I am merely suggesting the solution to her problem is to stop giving more than she is happy with, while keeping her judgements to herself in order to avoid further embarrassing and hurting someone who is already embarrassed by how she compares to others.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:33

Some fair points youngblowfish - but I am not striving for absolute equality.

I do however expect some kind of reciprocity in my relationships and this feels very one-sided. I'm a human being, not a saint.

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:34

Arisbottle For years and years I was in a similar position, was financially comfortable and hosted regularly, paid extra towards the bill as I had more than others, all that stuff. Now things have changed and I am less financially comfortable. Some of the people who I hosted regularly then have in turn been generous to me. However, others have not, to the point of not paying back money owed even though it would really be a big help now to have it back.

Now I'm sure the 'MN adage' Hmm can be trotted out about not giving more than you can afford. However, it's worth thinking about how you would feel in practice if you did this for many years, and when it would be really nice to get some of the same treatment in return as your luck has changed, many people don't seem to have the same feeling. In some cases this causes disappointment, in some it goes as far as resentment. I'm sure some posters here would continue to deny that they would ever feel resentful or irritated in such a situation. In which case I salute you as far better people than me. But it is pretty human and normal to feel this way and I can't blame the OP for it at all.

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 22:36

I often pay the bill when we are out, we tend to have people round here far more than the gesture is returned. I just see that I am lucky to be in that position and never really give it a second thought.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:38

youngblowfish I don't think the OP is being critical to her friend's face, so I don't think she is embarrassing her friend. And it's not so simple as to 'stop giving' when a routine has been in place for so long and is taken for granted by the other parties. Though I agree that the OP should try.

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:39

You do not know what is happening in other people's homes. If you aren't happy to host them purely because you want to see them, don't do it. But to do it, and then bitch about them, is vile.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:39

We are ex-colleagues senua who share a love of reading. If it weren't for that, we probably wouldn't see each other as we are not really each other's type. In fact, none of the group are really full-on friends and it's a miracle that we're still together.

I am thinking of starting a breakaway book club where I personally approve all the members Grin .

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:40

Arisbottle yes, I've done that and did for a long time. I hope you don't find things change in the way I did. It's quite depressing to realise how little people who would regularly come to your house etc actually care about you.

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:41

I get the impression you quite enjoy feeling put-upon....

senua · 26/08/2013 22:41

a breakaway book club where I personally approve all the members

Can I come if I promise to bring pombears?Grin

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:42

leobear - I'm bitching on Mumsnet so I can get it off my chest without hurting her directly because I know she's not on here. Isn't AIBU intended for bitching?

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:42

leobear in that case there are many, many threads on here where the same thing is happening. Spread your sanctimoniousness to them, please!

youngblowfish · 26/08/2013 22:42

I completely understand the feeling of being taken advantage of and taken for granted, I am sure I stopped contact with people for making me feel that way in the past. I am quite comfortable with where my generosity ends and never benefitted from a relationship where resentment has set in.

However, IMHO a confrontation in this particular case is unnecessary. So, to summarise YWNBU to drop her as a friend and stop offering lifts, but YWBU to confront her about it because of the differences in your contributions. It is likely to be embarrassing for you both and really will not help her self-esteem issues. I can hazard a guess she has a worse opinion of herself than you have of her.

Arisbottle · 26/08/2013 22:42

Things have changed to some extent when I took a paycut to become a teacher. We can no longer do some of the things we used to and there are friends who recognise that we have less money than them and invite us to stay with them.