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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with this reading group member?

139 replies

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 20:08

I am in a book club with four former colleagues. We?ve been meeting for years and take it in turns to choose a book and host the book club in our own home, which involves providing food and drink. However, one member has only ever hosted the book club once and has since then avoided having us round her home with a series of excuses and tends to prevail upon another member who lives ten miles away.

What this means in practise for me is that I am either (a) hosting the book club, which I do enjoy but it does involve spending money, clearing up, etc or (b) driving myself and this person (who can?t drive) to the other venues which means I can?t drink or (c) spending £10 on a cab fare if I want to have a drink.

As she is the only one who lives near me, I resent missing out on what I see as my turn to be entertained, have a drink and walk a short distance home afterwards. She, meanwhile, always gets to be entertained in someone else?s house, drinks as much as she wants, then gets a free lift home.

I?ve put up with the situation for a long while but AIBU to be getting really pissed off about it? Or am I just getting things out of perspective?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 26/08/2013 21:54

I think you're sounding nastier and nastier the more you post.

If she had a physical disability that stopped her from keeping a presentably clean house, would you be so quick to dismiss her as a nuisance and user?

By all means, get her to contribute her share in other ways, but if you truly are her friend then you need to understand that this is a real problem for her.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:54

Thank you arethereanyleft. Smile That kind of sums up what I feel.

OP posts:
Heartbrokenmum73 · 26/08/2013 21:55

Wow. Mental health issues dictate how you behave. I say this as someone with mental health issues myself. And I can't cope with people in my house (bar my immediate family). I can't tell you why because I simply don't know, but I'm anxious whenever we have visitors and I don't relax until they're gone.

She's not 'making excuses' or 'behaving in a way that alienates people' on purpose. Poor bloody woman.

Glad you're not my friend OP - by now I'd have dumped YOU to be honest.

People like you are the reason that so many others keep their mental health issues to themselves.

SilverApples · 26/08/2013 21:57

As I said, I've no idea why the group tolerated me for so long and were sorry when I dropped out due to other pressures on my time.
But I am still grateful they did,

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 21:58

I'm guessing getting getting together to host her book group is pretty far down her list if things to deal with.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 21:58

I have been very understanding SaucyJack, and "nuisance" and "user" are your words not mine. I would be quite happy if she didn't want to host the book club if she did contribute in other ways, but she doesn't really, and that's part of the problem.

OP posts:
Heartbrokenmum73 · 26/08/2013 21:59

Just read you have your own mental health issues and how amazingly well you just soldier on and deal with it.

You sound like my ex, who told me (when I was first diagnosed with PND) that I couldn't possibly be depressed because he'd had depression and I wasn't behaving the way he did so therefore there was nothing wrong with me. Obviously he knew more than my Health Visitor (a PND specialist), two GPs and a psychiatrist.

As a sufferer yourself you should be more sympathetic and realise that no two mental health cases are the same!

leobear · 26/08/2013 21:59

Poor woman probably welcomes the chance to be with people she believes to be her friends. Little does she know, be of them is slagging her off on he Internet, for the sake of a few nibbles and some cheap plonk.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 22:00

I wonder if all of those who think op is unreasonable are the types to never host. I suspect so.

For me it is bang out of order to enjoy others hospitality and never take your turn.

Its just damn rude.

Op- yanbu

Op.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:03

I have mental health issues myself heartbroken. They are only part of the story here, and I don't think it's necessarily fair to use them as an excuse for her behaviour.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/08/2013 22:03

So, if at the outset of the group, she had said that she didn't want to/couldn't host, would you have refused to have let her join?

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 22:03

Why would thinking the op is being unreasonable make me someone that never hosts?

My house goes like a fair most of the time!

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:04

I "host" as you so quaintly put it, quite often. I genuinely expect nothing in return. Why would I? You invite people over because you want to see them, not to be repaid. Yes, it's lovely to be invited back, but some people can't do that, for whatever reason.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 22:04

But her mh issues aren't an excuse, they are the reason.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 22:06

Ok, so for whatever reason she can't host. But then surely she should be making sure no one else is out of pocket on her behalf?

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:08

So, what do you propose the OP does, tot up how much she owes them and sets up a direct debit? Petty cats. The poor woman. Give me her email address, I'll have her over for dinner for free.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:09

Maybe we are being sidetracked by the mental health thing. I am not aware of her being diagnosed with anything: as far as I know she feels her house is not up to scratch (it's fine) and she's embarrassed by her family (she's a bit of a snob).

I am not the kind of person to dismiss serious problems like clinical depression, phobias, PND, etc.

OP posts:
BlehPukeVomit · 26/08/2013 22:12

I would also say something to her and would ask for a contribution to petrol. If she still doesn't want to host then you could suggest pot luck or sharing the cost.

It might be a bit of an awkward conversation but it is not at all unreasonable.

birdybear · 26/08/2013 22:13

I agree with you op , that she is taking the micky . If she is well enough mental health wise to attend other peoples houses then if she doesn't want people in her house she should suggest an alternative like a pub.

Let up know how you tackle it. When are you next due to meet?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:14

leobear would you have her over every month for free for 10 years? And with her never offering to contribute anything or bring a bottle of wine? Because that's the OP's situation.

thenightsky · 26/08/2013 22:15

Love the name farside (nature abhors a vacuum is my favourite).

I've been a member of a bookclub for about 20 years now. We only ever meet at the village hall in one of the small rooms there - £10 a session. Is this doable for you?

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:15

And just to add, I have had people over to my house, cooked for them etc many many times without expecting anything in return. The difference was that they enriched my life in other ways by being good friends. Doesn't sound like this woman does that and ten years is a long time for someone to take from a friendship without giving.

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:16

Yes!! "For free" - what do you mean? it's a home, not a freaking restaurant.

youngblowfish · 26/08/2013 22:16

I think in all relationships it is difficult to strive for absolute equality. There are always those who are more vulnerable or in need of help than others, sometimes that remains so for the duration of the relationship. I am genuinely happy that you are pulled together and able to get over your issues, but others may not have the same abilities or opportunities as you.

I do not necessarily think your friend is doing anything wrong by participating in the book club in the way she does. It sounds like she has a lot on her plate. If you no longer want to give her lifts or have her round, then surely you can just stop offering. There is no need to confront her and insinuate she is not contributing enough, particularly as she is already struggling.

Maybe you could judge her less?

This also seems to be about you wanting to get something back for your own generosity. As MN's famous adage goes, one should never give more than one is happy to spare. In other words, your resentment over the lost opportunity to get drunk at her expense within walking distance of your home says more about your generosity than it does about hers. Once you realise that, perhaps you can rethink the potentially hurtful confrontation.

SaucyJack · 26/08/2013 22:17

You've only seen her house once tho and while it might've looked fine for that special occasion, you have no idea what it looks like on a day to day basis.

And even if she doesn't struggle with housework, she clearly has major social anxiety caused by an inferiority complex.

Just because she's never seen a GP, doesn't mean it's not a serious problem.