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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with this reading group member?

139 replies

TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 20:08

I am in a book club with four former colleagues. We?ve been meeting for years and take it in turns to choose a book and host the book club in our own home, which involves providing food and drink. However, one member has only ever hosted the book club once and has since then avoided having us round her home with a series of excuses and tends to prevail upon another member who lives ten miles away.

What this means in practise for me is that I am either (a) hosting the book club, which I do enjoy but it does involve spending money, clearing up, etc or (b) driving myself and this person (who can?t drive) to the other venues which means I can?t drink or (c) spending £10 on a cab fare if I want to have a drink.

As she is the only one who lives near me, I resent missing out on what I see as my turn to be entertained, have a drink and walk a short distance home afterwards. She, meanwhile, always gets to be entertained in someone else?s house, drinks as much as she wants, then gets a free lift home.

I?ve put up with the situation for a long while but AIBU to be getting really pissed off about it? Or am I just getting things out of perspective?

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:42

OP, leobear presumably never thinks or says a bad thing about anyone. I for one feel humbled. Hmm

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:43

Yes senua - you, Snazzy, and all the others who agree with me are invited Grin .

OP posts:
leobear · 26/08/2013 22:43

Yes, you can bitch away to your heart's content! Equally, don't be surprised when people tell you YABU!

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 26/08/2013 22:43

Yay! I promise to bring nibbles at least 50% of the time Grin

leobear · 26/08/2013 22:45

Oh I do, snazzy. Just not for the sake of a few crappy nibbles and a bit of clearing up....

youngblowfish · 26/08/2013 22:45

Snazzy, I think you will find I win the sanctimonious prize. And the patronising one too!

iwasyoungonce · 26/08/2013 22:46

I'm with you OP, and don't for one minute believe that real friendship means that you should give and give and give and happily receive no reciprocation.

In any case, this is not a best friend. This is an ex-colleague who is part of OP's book club. And the book club has some agreed rules - each member takes a turn in choosing a book and hosting. This member is blatantly choosing not to abide by the rules, which is irritating and rude.

If there is a valid reason why she can't do this, then she should be upfront and explain her position to the other members. They can then either agree to accept the situation, or not.

If she can't / doesn't want to be upfront and explain her reasons, then I think she should bow out of book club. Because all the flimsy excuses she is making every time just make her look like a freeloader, and make everyone else uncomfortable, because why should one member be exempt from the rules? It's unfair.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 22:48

It's a bit unsettling how buoyed up and raring to confront her then update us you are.

Drama llama much?

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:48

leobear - the nibbles aren't crappy. Last time, I got them from Waitrose.

OP posts:
leobear · 26/08/2013 22:49

yy. The whole "buoyed by this thread" thing is just weird.

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:51

I'm not raring to confront her 20quid, I've had some validation for my feelings of resentment which has made me think it's time to talk to her. I will take great care to find the right words.

OP posts:
LovesBeingOnHoliday · 26/08/2013 22:51

Would you rather her leave tge group?

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 22:53

It's like you think everyone is cheering you on to pull the unreasonable bitch up, to call her out then report back, because lots of people will be begging for updates.

When, in reality, well...

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 22:56

I think someone asked for an update 20quid. I'm not arrogant enough to believe anyone will be begging for news. Why so hostile?

OP posts:
leobear · 26/08/2013 22:57

Out of interest, what age range is the group?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 22:57

Please do update on how you get on op.

In our situation, we all want to remain friends with the 'users' cos they're nice apart from this, were just absolutely clueless on how to confront them. We think, because they've never done it, they genuinely have no idea how much effort had to go in to.hosting, from cleaning before, shopping, to cleaning after, to not enjoying your own evening cod ur up and down getting drinks.

Somethingyesterday · 26/08/2013 22:58

OP Sorry to butt in an'all but how, exactly, can a person be ashamed of her ethnicity? Hmm

How is that even possible?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 22:59

Ironic cross post.

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 26/08/2013 23:00

I've person asked you to let them know how you tackle it.

Quite a few have said don't tackle it, yabu etc.

Seems you only seek validation.

youngblowfish · 26/08/2013 23:00

But your feelings are valid, you have given more than she has within the rules, nobody insists you should keep giving more.

Why confront her? She already feels bad enough about herself. Does not like her house enough to show it to people, yet she has to live in it and see it every day. Is embarrassed about her own family, therefore deeply uncomfortable about who she is and, what is more, has to share her home with them.

The rules of the book club are clear enough for everyone, which is why she gives feeble excuses every time it is her turn to host. She know this more than you do, she is the one mortified every time it is her turn.

By all means, do resolve your own feelings of resentment towards her. Decide to change things to suit you. Feel better for not having to share your car with a pissed colleague you do not particularly like at the end of the night.

But beyond that, what would you like to get out of a conversation? If she lives within walking distance and you mention resenting lifts or splitting can fares evenly, then I am afraid you may sound a little petty even to yourself.

TheCraicDealer · 26/08/2013 23:07

People can either be radiators or drains- this woman is a drain. Now, yes, there's been some chat about "mental health issues" and that's been leapt on by some. But having low self esteem does not give you cart blanch to take advantage of long term friends or acquaintances. Feelings of inadequacy do not stop you from offering to pay for a cab or buying an extra bottle of wine once in a while as a thank you.

It may only be a bit of booze and "cheap nibbles", but it's still off that rather than laying it on the line and saying, "look, I'm ashamed of my house/sister", she's just refusing to address the issue. She's known these women ten years, and I bet you any money (OP included) they'd cut her a bit of slack and maybe even try to help her out a bit when she does try and host again. So YANBU- and there are plenty of people who have decided to finally act after an AIBU thread.

On the other hand...do you think this "chat" has already been had with the other member that steps in, and this is why she always offers?

Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 23:08

Yes youngblowfish a part of me does feel petty, for sure. The problem is I also feel resentful and I guess I'm not really sure how to deal with it other than speak to her about it (hopefully in a constructive way). The alternatives are to continue feeling resentful or for me to leave the group, (which is an option I have considered but then I'd feel the need to explain).

How would you tackle it? Do you have any suggestions as to how to have the conversation?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFarSide · 26/08/2013 23:10

Craic it's possible there's something I don't know, I suppose. If I have a chance to speak to the other member I will.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 26/08/2013 23:13

I'm in a book club. I have hosted, even though I cannot have people in my house in the evenings, as we cackle lots, and my dd's are 2 and 4 and would wake.

I did however use my sil house to entertain as she's in the book club too, and as everyone lives close by, it's convenient. Everyone else has teenagers.

Could it not be, that she has small dc?

arethereanyleftatall · 26/08/2013 23:16

Great post craigdealer