DD totally fucked up her GCSEs. AIBU to tell her 'I told you so'?

[TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras]

Of course I won't but I am very, very cross about it. She got 2 Ds, 2 Es and 3 Fs FFS. All through secondary we have had problems with her being disruptive at school, getting detentions, calls about her not doing her homework or engaging with the lessons, getting into spats with other girls about stuff which did not involve her (sticking up for friends).

She was forecast for 3Cs, 2Ds and 3Es which was bad enough but we hoped she would get the extra C through the exams to get into the college course that she was so excited about doing and which we have supported her in doing even though I have my doubts (performing arts) but I wanted her to do something she enjoyed.

We have lectured her, given her 'pep talks', taken away privileges, shouted, screamed at her and now we have the end result - totally crap grades so she will not be able to do the college course she wanted to do and will have to spend the next year retaking as many as possible at a cost to us. I even frogmarched her to maths club one day as she was so behind but she refused to go again and I could'nt do that every bloody week. Ditto homework club/science club.

She has never been diagnosed with any SENs, her teachers have always stated that she is very bright and would do fine if she would just shut up and listen. She seems to have disengaged with reality and decided that she was going to become a singer/rapper so school was not important. She spends hours writing rap lyrics and listening to that bloody Iggy Azalea (most annoying songs ever). She has even insisted that she will be moving to LA as soon as she is 18 and do whatever it takes to become a 'sooperstarrr' and I fully support her in that 'dream' and hope she can achieve it (not by moving to LA and living in the bins waiting to be discovered though ) but she needs to at least get some qualifications first!

I could bloody shake her very hard. She thinks she knows everything. Aaaarrrrgggh. Any suggestions on what to do with her?

Hopefully a good college adviser will be able to convince her of what she needs to do.

I wasn't thinking of paid groups, more theatre groups. If you are in a city then there should be a few options of free youth theatre groups.

It is very hard and difficult to make a success in performing arts. It will require hard work, dedication, motivation and resilience. Talent alone won't get her there. I used to work at a performing arts college and the disappointed students outweighed the successes. Always have a back up plan and place a time limit on how long you try to make it was my advice.

Does she actually know anyone who is currently in or entering on a performing arts career? A teen slightly older than herself who is doing what she would like, but who is doing it for real with all the hard work and commitment it takes? That is the kind of person she ought to be associating with by the sounds of it, if only to show her that she should maybe be looking elsewhere.

And just out of curiosity, how did she get on at X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent? I assume she didn't get far- so what did that tell her?

Sounds as if she has problems committing to things and tends to walk away if they become at all difficult - friends, study, performance... If she gets feedback she doesn't like she tries to get round it by new friends, new performance arts academies, new ways to make it in la.... Is she scared of failure, underneath all this?

Let the feedback come from others. Hopefully college will have the credibility with her to make her accept the level 1 course. Or make her see why she needs GCSEs.

I wouldn't pay for tutors unless she begs you to, when she starts to want the results to do the course. If you offer while she still doesn't care, she won't engage and you will lose your money.

Maybe, if she can't find work, she can volunteer, in some arts context. Just observing how hard they work would help her.

Cory she is of the mindset that she will not give up. Lots of successful people have endured rejection, failure is a step closer to success and all that. I suppose I have instilled in her from a young age that you can do anything if you believe you can. That has got a bit skewed and she failed to understand that she actually has to get an education to fall back on as well! I would not mind her having this dream as long as she actually was working hard in rl as well which she's not.

I personally blame Cher Lloyd as this all started with her on X-Factor. Before that DD always said she wanted to be a lawyer .

I have just discussed volunteer work with her Beast (great minds and all that). We have discussed her offering to work without pay for a few weekends to shops in town as it may at least lead to a weekend job. Try to think how we can extend that to the local theatre. Thanks.

She gets a part time job to fund her resitting of the exams and any extracurricular activities she wants to pursue. Maybe the idea of moving out of home at 18 won't look quite so attractive then though!

The mindset is fine, but what is she actually doing about it? Sitting in your bedroom saying to yourself "I won't give up" doesn't actually constitute not giving up, does it?

It isn't just that she is refusing to get an education to fall back on: by the sounds of it, she is not doing anything to realise her performance dream either.

Is she singing in a band? Is she working on promoting it (getting useful business experience)? Is she getting regular gigs? Is she taking singing lessons? Is she dancing or doing any other kind of movement work? Is she learning an instrument to a high standards, practising several hours a day?

I have every respect for teens with a genuine performance dream- but that includes doing something about it. If you don't do something about it, then in my book that means you are not serious about your dream.

I would sit down and gently point this out. Assure her that her dream is a respectable one but gently try to make it clear to her what other young people with similar dreams are actually doing.

Cher Lloyd studied performing arts st svhool & attended stagecoach classes before auditioning I think she'd done some gigging as well.

Oh op I am going to sound like a right bitch here and hopefully it's because of the way you're writing your posts but... You blame Cher Lloyd. You've paid for numerous courses/activities. You agreed to her auditioning for x factor and BGT. Have you ever tried just saying 'no'? Because from here it sounds like you've enabled the entitled wannabe behaviours while also quietly hoping she'll understand she needs decent exams as well.

I hope I'm wrong and that its just bits of your posts which are jumping out and making me think that. And if I'm right, well it's not too late. Lay some ground rules re what you will and will not finance and step back and let her learn some life lessons.

Cher Lloyd had also worked at holiday camps, so she had performing experience.

So (in view of the point made by jojo) a whole conversation needs to be held including:

*this is what the law says re your staying in education/training- it isn't about us being awkward, it is a legal requirement

*these are the options for education: you can retake your GCSE's through tutoring (if the family is willing to fund this), you can start on the lower level BTech and then take it from there, or you can go in for an apprenticeship

*as for your dream, that is fine, but if you are serious about it, then you need to start actively working on it, because that is what stars do

*the visa requirements mean you will not be able to go to LA or elsewhere in the US unless you already have a job signed up, so any steps towards realising your dream will have to be taken in this country

*but first of all you need to make an appointment to speak to your college because you are almost an adult and it is for you to take charge

And then step back, the next move is hers: she has to decide what she is going to do, she has to see about organising it, make it clear that you are always happy to advise but that you will not be running round doing it for her.

Performing arts courses do seem to be the most awful waste of time.

V interesting about nt being allowed to leave school. I am see that being v useful to you. She has an alibi for accepting the one year course, as she has to do something and it will keep her hand in.

You may find the GCSE thing doesn't happen for a while, unless she needs it to progress to the next level of the course. By the time she is adult enough to want to do them, she will be old enough to commute to a college that offers them, I guess.

Does she do any kind of extra-curricular performing arts classes? Singing, music, dance ie proper training? Frankly, she wouldn't last an hour with that sort of attitude. I blame the X Factor.

You say you support her dream. But you as a parent need to research what it really takes to make it in the performing arts as a professional.

At the moment, she hasn't a chance, and it would be a good thing to expose her to proper training and learn how to support her realistically. And ban any watching of television talent shows. The people that appear to just "come off the streets" to win them don't. They have generally been training in some kind of formal music or dance training since early teens.

I suppose I have instilled in her from a young age that you can do anything if you believe you can

Er, no, not in the performing arts. YABU in feeding this by letting her audition etc. But if you don't have a performing arts background I suppose you weren't to know.

As a stage mother, be a good one, not an enabler of dreams which are no more than that. I was brought up in a family of professional theatre people -- I'm not, because I know what extraordinary talent, training, hard work, and luck is needed. Not just "best little singer at her school" sort of talent.

So good luck. You'll both need it!

Or.. Given that the poor OP is completely ignored, even when she is right.. Could someone else act as a mentor to her and tell her what she needs to know?

I only know about classical music training, but in that world she is middle aged and would need to have a pretty damn good CV already to be credible as a future performer. I am guessing the music she wants to do is a more flexible world, but not completely flexible, from what others are saying.

Why would your dds retakes be at an addutional cost when lots of FE colleges run them?
The extra year doing retakes could be a blessing in disguise as maybe she needs the extra.year to mature and would thrive in a college environment.
YBU btw

I feel a bit sorry for the little girl if adults have colluded in her disillusion.

Sounds like she wants to go into mainstream pop...is there a local music scene she's part of, even if it's just going to shows? Because talking to musicians that are actively playing could make it hit home. It's bloody hard work, and takes years to get any kind of reward. One very good friend of mine plays four or five shows a week in addition to working a regular job, and is still only really well known at a local level.

I can advise on venues she could visit and bands/artists she could speak to if you like, I'm still pretty up on local music in the UK thanks to my friend. Just PM me if you think it might help.

Dd does musical theatre in her spare time. She's just done gases...got 10 decent ones.
She wants to do "something" involving singing (not pop, in the theatre)

I have always been very realistic with her...yes she has a voice, but so do thousands of others. The chances of her making a living from singing are remote. She has had to work very hard to get her grades at goes, and is now embarking on A levels, where she will have to work even harder.

And she hates X factor etc....
Your dd sounds as if she wants everything handed to her on a plate.

WaitressRose Mon 26-Aug-13 00:52:12
"Performing arts courses do seem to be the most awful waste of time."

Performing arts courses are not the same as lurking in your bedroom dreaming dreams of stardom. They are actually very hard work and can be excellent at instilling discipline, planning skills and people skills which are then transferable into other jobs.

It's the same with music. I teach a totally unrelated (but difficult) subject at university and the music students who do my modules are nearly always the best ones because they have learnt to do hard and boring preparation for many hours a day without complaining. I'd expect the same from a performing arts student who had done the course and stuck to it. (the ones who go to pieces are usually the relatively clever ones who have sailed through 3 academic A-levels by just reading the books on the reading list and never done half an hour in excess- you can't get away with that attitude in performing arts)

The problem with the OP's dd is that she thinks she can somehow bypass this ordinary process of many years of planning and strategic thinking and hard slog.

Agree with other posters that the way the X-factor/Britain's Got Talent programmes are edited is not very helpful: if she googles some of the successful contestants she will get a far better idea.

Take Susan Boyle, for instance: the story sold by television is that she was a sudden rags to riches discovery who just happened to have this amazing voice.

In actual fact (or at least according to Wikipedia):

her father was a singer, so she will have had some mentoring from early childhood

she took lessons from a vocal coach

she attended Edinburgh Acting School

she sang with her local church choir at home but also in concerts and on pilgrimages

she had entered and won several local singing competitions

Yes, she was a lady with a learning disability, but what she was not was a lady with a learning disability and no training. The hurdle she had to overcome was that she didn't look the part, not that she didn't know enough about it.

Even the boys in One Direction had a lot more experience/training than the X-actor show suggested.