DD totally fucked up her GCSEs. AIBU to tell her 'I told you so'?

[TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras]

Of course I won't but I am very, very cross about it. She got 2 Ds, 2 Es and 3 Fs FFS. All through secondary we have had problems with her being disruptive at school, getting detentions, calls about her not doing her homework or engaging with the lessons, getting into spats with other girls about stuff which did not involve her (sticking up for friends).

She was forecast for 3Cs, 2Ds and 3Es which was bad enough but we hoped she would get the extra C through the exams to get into the college course that she was so excited about doing and which we have supported her in doing even though I have my doubts (performing arts) but I wanted her to do something she enjoyed.

We have lectured her, given her 'pep talks', taken away privileges, shouted, screamed at her and now we have the end result - totally crap grades so she will not be able to do the college course she wanted to do and will have to spend the next year retaking as many as possible at a cost to us. I even frogmarched her to maths club one day as she was so behind but she refused to go again and I could'nt do that every bloody week. Ditto homework club/science club.

She has never been diagnosed with any SENs, her teachers have always stated that she is very bright and would do fine if she would just shut up and listen. She seems to have disengaged with reality and decided that she was going to become a singer/rapper so school was not important. She spends hours writing rap lyrics and listening to that bloody Iggy Azalea (most annoying songs ever). She has even insisted that she will be moving to LA as soon as she is 18 and do whatever it takes to become a 'sooperstarrr' and I fully support her in that 'dream' and hope she can achieve it (not by moving to LA and living in the bins waiting to be discovered though ) but she needs to at least get some qualifications first!

I could bloody shake her very hard. She thinks she knows everything. Aaaarrrrgggh. Any suggestions on what to do with her?

Aw, poor you and poor her. Very frustrating all round. Does she feel shite about it now that the crunch has come and she did not do so well? Is she keen to retake and do better? She's going to have to work very, very hard to pull herself up from Fs and tbh if she is feeling quite negative and switched off, I think I might be encouraging her to consider a change of direction. Could she do a diploma or vocational qualifications see here for more info alongside English and maths GCSE and maybe a level 2 music BTEC, for example? I considered doing plumbing at college aged 16 but chickened out and did A levels when my GCSEs were ok. I'm sure I would be earning more and have more say over my working day if I'd gone with my gut and learned to plumb and I quite regret it in a way.

One of my sons has tendencies this way (brightish, disruptive, unfocused, lazy!) and I am hoping against hope that he will find some motivation and discipline this year (going into year 10 in a new school) so I really do sympathise. My other son is pretty lazy too... I can just imagine the biting of tongues and repression of fury I will have to muster if one or other of them badly underachieves because (t)he(y) just won't/can't/don't put the necessary effort in. But I do also think that some bright people just don't thrive at school and find their niche in other areas or go back to study later on. If a year of retakes = pure hellish misery with little chance of success because of continued lack of application I would definitely look at all other options. Seeing them happy and motivated and working towards something really is the important thing, I reckon.

beastofburden speaks good sense

a year or two in a boring badly paid job will do her more good than another year of lazing around at college- and it's not like her life will be over

where I grew up all the young lads had to do a year of national service;
it didn't spoil their chances forever; they were still young when the year was over

a year of national service in Primark might do her a world of good

Feel for you OP.

AS levels were when DS started to go wrong. I wish I'd been harsher at that point and made him seek work.

We are now at the point of him failing his 2nd year in uni for 2nd time. I've just said no more money being thrown after bad and 3 attempts at 2nd year is beyond me.

He now thinks he can make it in the art world

wow- millions of x posts while I was composing my reply. Will go and read them now.

I think all you can do is take a deep breath, put a brave face on and be supportive.

Bless.

She knows that Iggy Azalea work 3 cleaning jobs, for 2 years, from the age of 14 to save for her plane ticket, right? And she has worked very, very hard to get where she is - and has worked as a model as well (tall willowy and gorgeous.....)

I attended drama school and yes tis very very hard work in performing arts, they just make it look easy!

Ok she fucked up but at least she has dreams; however unrealistic. Does she play an instrument or have any other talents apart from writing lyrics?
Alicia Keys and Pharrel Williams play the piano for example. She sounds very hard work but she at least has a big dream; she just needs to think of how to achieve it in a realistic fashion. I would impress upon her that there an awful lot of waiters/waitresses/wanabee actors etc in La and that it is ALWAYS wise to have a plan B. The model Lilly Cole went to Cambridge for example, Lilly Allen now runs a vintage clothes swap store. Really try to get her to build up her skills but by all means encourage the performing arts!
If she tries and fails at least she has tried but she will need to learn what hard work is pronto if she wants any success in life...You can't just get in a recording studio and start churning out hits.

What Vivacia said.
But feel free to vent here when she's not looking.

Stand back and let her apply to do whatever these "dreams" require. Reality will soon kick in.... as she realises that she can't even get a job flipping burgers

And how I hate the phrase "being supportive". A good kick up the arse and a dose of reality are what modern child needs, not endless "support..."

Dd is 11

Incidentally dh messed up his gcses but due to his ability in music was allowed to take a level music alongside gcse retakes. However the main reason he messed up gcses was that he was do focused on his music getting up at 6am to practice etc.

He gained the minimum a levels to get into music conservatoire and now works as a specialist teacher having studied at post grad level & becoming a specialist in his field.

So it is possible - but requires absolute dedication.

Ha ha! You're right lljkk about venting here.

Amother I certainly don't agree with those advocating organising everything for her, but I think being judgemental and pointing out that this is a disaster is counter-productive. I mean be supportive as in not trying to run her life for her, let her know everything and let her make her own mistakes. What other choice do you have?

Advice to let dd try and fail at her dream is attractive but it doesn't address the fact that she is not currently trying. She has not made the effort to get the grades she would need to access the performing arts course, she is not (as far as the OP suggests) doing anything about getting singing lessons, she has not started a band to get performance practice.

Her only plan seems to be dumped in the middle of LA, without any preparations and somehow to be discovered there. And how is that going to work? It's not, is the answer; it's a totally unrealistic and potentially dangerous plan. The only good thing about it is that it isn't going to happen.

To let the dd try at her dream can't happen without the cooperation of the dd: she has to get off her backside and get the grades to access the tuition she needs, and she has to do whatever it takes to get the relevant extra-curricular experience. You can't give somebody a career as a performer on a plate: they have to do it for themselves.

And you wish to say precisely whay by repeating my comment catinabox?

OP have you looked at what those who have achieved performing arts BTECs at levels 2 and/or 3 are doing five years later. How does it compare to Brit or Rada or the Royal ballet School?

If your dd wants to sing, what singing awards/exams has she achieved?

She needs to retake her GCSEs and if she doesn't want to do that she needs to get a job. At least for a year.

Is it worth exploring with her how much she wants the course if she didn't put in the work to achieve the entry qualifications.?

Wish there was a like button for corys post.

I feel your pain. DD didn't get the grades she expected and was totally gutted. She admits she didn't work as hard as she should have.
I backed off and told her she had to sort things out herself-l had done my bit. That was a very difficult thing to do but DD1 and DS both said l could do no more and it would perhaps just take a wee bit longer to find her way.

I have been surprised over the last month and she has got herself into a college course which has the potential to lead to the course that she wanted to do. She starts on Tuesday. She admits she is nervous but she knows she mucked up and is prepared to do better.

Good luck OP.

She's only got one option and thats to retake her GCSEs at college. Shhe's not going to get on her chosen performing arts course and she's going to find getting a job with poor grades nigh on impossible also.

You might find that once she is talking to the college she will decide to do the one year course that she can do. It's different when the lecturers are telling her than when you are so she may simply believe right now that they will take her. My dd didn't get as good as we'd hoped so had to drop the ideas of doing A lvls and is doing the lvl3 btec instead but it took the college talking to her to see that it was right for her. My dd does have sen and the college has already showed themselves as far better than the school and she doesn't even start for another week.

When you speak to the college, discuss the 1 year btec levl 2 option with them it is a good choice and students do progress onto btec level 3 from this. Make sure they will offer some sort of English and maths at level 2. Are her grade d's in English and maths? If so, your dd should be able to pull them up to a c grade. Some 16 -18 year olds thrive at college. If there are learning mentors at the college, ensure your dc goes to see them straight away. They can help her with assignments, study skills and time management.

Sometimes btec qualifications suit individuals better than GCSEs. It's worth exploring.

Encourage your dd to look into music, drama, performing arts groups she can do outside of college.

HTH

I think you SHOULD be

I really hope the college don't give her any leeway, she isn't ready for the course and would be taking a place away from someone else who presumably would be ready to work hard and take responsibility for themselves.

I think she needs to fail and to process what failure means. She's talking about getting a job - what job? Doing what? Youth unemployment has never been higher and she has no qualifications - employers aren't going to be falling over themselves to employ her.

I know it's so, so easy for a stranger on the web to say this, but honestly I think you have to both ride it out and be prepared to write this year off. Let her struggle. Let her be unemployed. Let her be bored (and FFS don't be giving ht any money). Let her say goodbye to her mates as they move on with their lives. This time next year you will have a different girl on your hands.

(oops)

... telling her "I told you so". She has let you and herself down. Why did you even phone the college for her when she got her results? You should have made her do it.

As for saving up for a recording studio... how much will she have left per week after paying you housekeeping? :)

Could she have adhd, the symptoms display differently in girls to boys. That could be the reason that she couldn't listen and concentrate?

jacks365 I am hoping you are right. I don't know anything apparently. Hopefully the college will put her straight. She has struggled at school with the social aspect. Falling in and out with friendships groups and has focused on anything other than schoolwork.

She is a good singer but needs work and a lot of confidence and I could slap myself for indulging her by letting her audition for X-factor earlier this year and Britains Got Talent but of course if I had'nt let her she would have blamed me for missing her chance . She has also been to LA and Las Vegas on an all expenses paid high end trip paid for by GPs when she was 14 which immediately turned her head and then she become obsessed by living there!

She has attended two different performing arts academies over the last 3 years but will not commit herself to it and has not bothered going on occasion so I stopped paying for them. She states that she will do it on her own .

It's lucky I don't drink or I dread to think what the state of my liver would be after the last 5 years and I have another 3 lots of teenage years to go! Two lots in one go with the twins - shit maybe I should start on the gin .

well, the American nonsense is easily knocked on the head, tell her to look up how she gets a visa. She doesn't, of course, and even if she buys a plane ticket she'll be bounced straight back.