DD totally fucked up her GCSEs. AIBU to tell her 'I told you so'?

[TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras]

Of course I won't but I am very, very cross about it. She got 2 Ds, 2 Es and 3 Fs FFS. All through secondary we have had problems with her being disruptive at school, getting detentions, calls about her not doing her homework or engaging with the lessons, getting into spats with other girls about stuff which did not involve her (sticking up for friends).

She was forecast for 3Cs, 2Ds and 3Es which was bad enough but we hoped she would get the extra C through the exams to get into the college course that she was so excited about doing and which we have supported her in doing even though I have my doubts (performing arts) but I wanted her to do something she enjoyed.

We have lectured her, given her 'pep talks', taken away privileges, shouted, screamed at her and now we have the end result - totally crap grades so she will not be able to do the college course she wanted to do and will have to spend the next year retaking as many as possible at a cost to us. I even frogmarched her to maths club one day as she was so behind but she refused to go again and I could'nt do that every bloody week. Ditto homework club/science club.

She has never been diagnosed with any SENs, her teachers have always stated that she is very bright and would do fine if she would just shut up and listen. She seems to have disengaged with reality and decided that she was going to become a singer/rapper so school was not important. She spends hours writing rap lyrics and listening to that bloody Iggy Azalea (most annoying songs ever). She has even insisted that she will be moving to LA as soon as she is 18 and do whatever it takes to become a 'sooperstarrr' and I fully support her in that 'dream' and hope she can achieve it (not by moving to LA and living in the bins waiting to be discovered though ) but she needs to at least get some qualifications first!

I could bloody shake her very hard. She thinks she knows everything. Aaaarrrrgggh. Any suggestions on what to do with her?

So your friends sort of served apprenticeships then secondcoming, ie, showed some significant commitment. There's always some luck involved however you do it I think but people to a large extent make their own or facilitate luck.

Although Jarvis Cocker's father is Mac Cocker, a famous DJ and music journalist in Australia. One of the founders of Double Jay (now Triple Jay). So some connection there, even though Cocker snt and jnr are alienated.

Some excellent advice here. My mother was an actress and anger, ditto 2 of my sisters. All properly earn their livings that way. I was brought up to think that if I'm not half an hour early to warm up, I'm late.

That's a transferable skill and attitude for any other life activity.

I would give her two options...

Do retakes and get a part-time job to support herself as you will no longer be shelling out pocket money.

Get a job.

After all, she needs to save up for that flight to LA. I think you need to let her find her own (hard) way.

How about taking a different approach? She won't get a working visa to the US, but she could go as an au pair on a 12 month visa. Part of the requirement is that she attends education or training (usually a local community college) while she is working, so she could attend performing arts classes. She gets room and board and a living allowance. It might allow her to see what living in the country is really like and also allow her some time to grow up.

What job is she going to get though because with no expereince and poor grades, what has she got to offer an employer? She's also younger than 18 which rules out any form of bar work (a common casual job) so what sort of job is she going to get considering that there are far better candidates chasing the few jobs that are around for young people. She has to go back and do her GCSEs again, its her only option.

Eggsiseggs, would you mind posting the plan for becoming a drug dealer that you worked out for your wayward student? I am a bit short of cash this month

What is your dd doing at the moment OP. as in this very moment
Y dd is sitting with her net book going through songs choreographing working out what works and what doesn't. This is after she's done half an hour of stretching

If she was into rap I guess the equivalent would be writing lyrics, testing rhythms seeing what works in performance, playing about with GarageBand - then finding an audience and testing it out.

My god, this could be my BIL but replace LA with Canada and pop star with tattoo artist No interest in graphic art or tattooing as a job bar getting two small tattoos.

I sometimes wonder if he sets totally unrealistic goals and expectations because he's safe in the knowledge that they can't be achieved and then he can blame everyone around him and/or shoot the messenger.

When he told me about Canada I asked him about the visa thing, he said he didn't need one because he was British (umm...yes you do if you're working) and then I heard he was telling people that I was "crushing his dreams"

I am almost disappointed by the cynicism and, in my opinion, unforgiving attitude towards a 16 year old on this thread. But I suppose I'm a little naive.

She is a kid. Not everyone matures at the same rate, not everyone is earnestly working towards their career from childhood. At 16, she has ample time to spend a year or two or three experimenting with what makes her tick and forming a rough plan. And it's balls to suggest that because she hasn't been in a band for a few years already/ spent summers stretching since she was 11 that she cannot be a successful performer. I

I think I'd encourage her with the dream of being a rapper, but to look for other things as well that fit in with that that could earn her some money- as someone mentioned running workshops etc.

Good luck with that, you must have the patience of a saint. Pay for her resits but make her do jobs round the house to earn the money to pay for them.

However, are you sure she will work hard at her resits or just mess about and get bad grades again? I know that GCSEs are important and I would want resits if it was my child but if she doesn't want to do it then can you let her have a year to look for a job or an apprenticeship and realise it is not all a bowl of cherries and then do her resits?

You want this unqualified, unmotivated, disruptive child to run a workshop?

No, I've already said support her but don't encourage any more of these unsubstantiated dreams.

She was interested in getting in to college to study performing arts. Where was her commitment to getting on to that?

But the point Is she doesn't seem to be doing anything. And she can't expect to muck around forever with the OP paying for her to do nothing.

If she's that unbothered then resits will be pointless.

In that case the only thing left will be for her to get a job.

Maybe she would be motivated if she were doing something she was interested in? Or do we write her off now?

She could have easily got in to the course she wanted, but chose not to do the work. Now she's choosing not to take the lower level course as an alternative path to what she claims she wants to do. She may be still a young person, but even young people need a dose of reality now and then.

Vivacia- no, I want her to explore and mature and work out what she enjoys and could be fulfilled by doing first.

I merely suggest that teaching music/ performance workshops may well be one such thing, down the road, when she has a mixture of experience and certificate/ diplomas (not neccesarily academic, maybe something like The Guildhall teaching diploma) under her belt.

Pictures, I'm super pleased for you that you have such a dedicated little worker bee for an eleven year old daughter. But not everyone is like that. Not everyone takes the linear, straightforward path. You are quite right that nobody can suspend growing up and be static forever, being supported by parents- but this really is not the situation. This girl has passions, has something she wants to do- that's good. She can widen her net and find other things that stimulate her interests.

TheSecondComing- highfive You make me feel less mad on this thread!

We've all had failures and needed a (metaphorical) kick up the backside at times, it's how we respond to the failures that makes the difference. I think it's really harsh to write off DD, she obviously has interests and drives (demonstrated by the lyric writing. )

Instead of paying for studio time she may be better investing in a good USB microphone, then she can play around writing/recording music at home, getting them on you-tube and building a reputation. I think Pop/rap is different from musical theatre, you don't need the classical singing/dance training, in fact I think it can be a disadvantage polishing out the raw edge and appearing too "perfect" .

Maybe you could promise to buy one for her, if she passes her re-sits?

Wishing you and her all the best, one failure at 16 is NOT the end.

I'm not so sure she does "have passions" Indestructible. As Xiaoxiong suggests, do some people choose unobtainable dreams as a protection against failure? I.e. they were bound to fail, so it's not their fault.

I am almost disappointed by the cynicism and, in my opinion, unforgiving attitude towards a 16 year old on this thread. But I suppose I'm a little naive

The comments that might seem to you to be 'unforgiving' are on my part anyway coming from long experience of training in the performing arts. I'm being as realistic as I can from a lifetime's experience of 2 generations of professional performers.

We can't know, without seeing her, how talented the OP's daughter is. But the behaviour described is not going to get her a career.

There really are no "picked off the street" star performers. Really - none. There is training, years if it, in a variety of skills. And there is discipline and clear-sighted thinking from the person concerned and tho around the person.

It is not a cynical attitude, Indestructible. As presented by Eggs, it is a very positive attitude: yes, it's a great dream, let's see what you could do about it.

If you had a son who showed talent at football and wanted to forego all other career plans to become a professional footballer, would it be cynical and cruel to point out that his first point of call should be to get into a youth team and play with other good players rather than just kick a ball around in the back garden and dream of stardom? Wouldn't that be a nicer thing for him to do anyway, assuming that he actually loved the game? Surely, even for a very immature teenager, if you love something being out there and actually doing it is better than doing nothing?

TheSecondComing Mon 26-Aug-13 11:05:08
"Not really cory. They could just do it (the musicians) could write songs and play music. They had talent. My ex (who is 41 now) has a grade d in cookery as his only qualification. He has made a good living working in and around music. And has done since he was 16. A lot of it is about contacts- who is working with who, who you know... "

That rather seems to prove the point: your ex was being pro-active and finding himself work from age 16.

The problem with the OP's dd is not that her dreams are wrong but that she does not love the work enough to stick with it: she has tried two performing academies according to the OP and just stopped attending when she didn't feel like it. She had a chance to go to performing arts course if she worked hard in class and she didn't care enough to do that.

"Maybe she would be motivated if she were doing something she was interested in?"

I think you've nailed it here. She needs to find something, anything, that she enjoys doing on a day to day level rather than for the sake of dreams of distant stardom. It doesn't sound at the moment as if performing arts is it. But there might be something else. Maybe an apprenticeship would be a good thing.