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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think there was something disturbing about this boy?

252 replies

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 19:28

Posting here so you can all give me a good slap and tell me not to be such an arse if I am BU.
DD, DP and I were at barbie at weekend with his two DD's. Lots of other parents with their DC. First I saw this boy is when DD was playing with a toy house. He kept running his car all over it. DD asked him to stop but he just ignored her and carried on. It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it.

I asked the boy, who was about 6 or 7, if he would play round the house instead of all over it but he just looked right through me. DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away. Fortunately at that point the boy's father came over and called him away, saying that he shouldn't be playing with doll's houses Hmm

Later DP's DD came over and told me about this rude boy who had pushed her off a swing and said "Are you blind"? when walking behind her. I asked what he looked like and she described someone similar to this boy but as there were others who fitted the description I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Next incident I witnessed was the boy trying to get under the table where some of the girls had made a den. He ignored their requests to go away until they were literally screaming at him, and still seemed unfazed. He seemed to have no concept of personal space and it appeared their distress left him completely unmoved. Again some parents had to intervene.

Final thing I witnessed was outside. He was trying to grab a bag of sweets from this girl who was carrying it. Again he ignored her telling him to leave her alone. He grabbed at the bag and she tried to push him away. He then hit her on the cheek. I shouted at him to stop. He just stood there with a faint smirk on his face. Completely unmoved. At that point his Dad came out and I told him what happened. The Dad was suprised and shocked. The boy only said, quite calmly "It wasn't on the face" Hmm The Dad then asked the girls what happened and they told him the same. At that point the Dad took the boy to his car to give him (I presume) a good talking to.

While they were there I asked the girl was ok. She was fine - I was more upset than her I think!

They got out of the car at the same time we were leaving, and DP's DD said "That's the boy that was horrible to us"

So what I want to know is, am I BU/small-minded/naive in being freaked out by his behaviour? I'm around kids a lot and nothing much fazes me. Quite a few kids I know have SEN or ASD traits and I never automatically assume a kid is being "naughty", esp if they're distressed. But the way this child just stood calmly in the midst of all the chaos he was creating was quite unnerving.

OP posts:
lirael · 25/08/2013 23:06

DS2 (10 with severe autism) once dived, like a heat-seeking missile, onto a packet of Haribos being eaten by a small girl sitting on her mum's lap next to him at a Punch and Judy show. He was completely unperturbed by me leaping on him and unclenching his grimy fist from around the handful of sweets while simultaneously signing 'NO snatching' and saying sorry to the mother. Sod the smirking - I think he probably laughed. Not only did the mother take the whole incident with utter calmness but she even got her DD to offer DS2 the last sweet in the bag a few minutes later. The little girl was about 3 and although she was obviously initially disturbed by the incident ( quite understandable, when 5 stone of 9 year old boy crashes down on you and nicks your sweets without warning) her mother's response just defused the whole thing.

It's always stayed with me.

Coconutty · 25/08/2013 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 23:17

FWIW, this boy didn't look sinister at all. He was a beautiful kid, archetypally blonde, blue-eyed etc.
I'm no expert, but my brother has ADD, as do my nephews. I have sensory issues, I've been around kids and adults with Asperger's, dyspraxia, Sensory processing disorder...but it's called a spectrum for a reason. I'd just never experienced a child who seemed oblivious to another's distress whilst calmly looking straight at them and pressing on regardless in complete silence.
But as other posters have said, it happens. I'm so, so sorry. I have tried to see this as my issue. Consider me a little less ignorant tonight

OP posts:
Maryz · 25/08/2013 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MovingForward0719 · 25/08/2013 23:22

OP apologies I think it was me who introduced the word sinister, only in the context of saying I would be upset if anyone thought that of my son. I think there is a difference between being ignorant and unaware ;-)

IneedAsockamnesty · 25/08/2013 23:24

Careful now Sock, arse is a bad word

Legend has it,that wanting to smack someone around the head with a frying pan is also frowned apon.

Fuck it I'm off to the naughty step

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 23:36

MaryZ do you really think it's "too sad" to admit ignorance of a subject and welcome some education on it?

OP posts:
CorrineFoxworth · 25/08/2013 23:38

My DS looks like a cherub too. I'm never sure whether I want his crippling disability to be more visible or not.

MadameOvary I know you of old and hope that you and DD are now far far away from your twat of an ex!

OP is not to blame for the more seriously ignorant comments on the thread and has taken something from it which is good. It's awful when the thread-starter has to bear the brunt of responsibility for the people who come in and fuck off again with their inflammatory remarks.

verytellytubby · 25/08/2013 23:39

I din't think the boys behaviour warrants being freaked out and such a long thread. He sounds bored and playing up. Perfectly normal to me.

Salmotrutta · 25/08/2013 23:39

MeAndMySpoon - my reference to "helicoptering" was aimed at parents who follow their non-ASD children around interfering when it isn't necessary!

Obviously I didn't make that clear and you feel I'm "having a go" at parents of ASD children.

I'm not. I'm having a go at parents who hover round their children interfering when it isn't necessary.

I believe I did mention intervention when none was necessary in my original post? Obviously intervention is sometimes necessary when a child with ASD struggles socially, but I wasn't referring to a situation like that.

I am quite aware that some children require a higher level of supervision but it sounded to me like the OP had made a judgement about the boy when all that I read into it was typical childrens nonsense.

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 23:43

Joking aside I hate that parents have to read this stuff and worry.

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 23:48

Corrine we are, thank you! Apologies if I "know" you but don't recognise your name, I have a bloody awful memory!

OP posts:
Maryz · 25/08/2013 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavoyCabbage · 25/08/2013 23:50

If he had been my son, I would have moved him away from the playhouse too, to get him away from your dd bossing him around.

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 23:52

Madame I am glad you have come to a better understanding.

I guess it's just hard for parents, some of them have so much on their plate and they feel like educating every person who has a problem isn't their job.

ouryve · 25/08/2013 23:52

Yabu to be freaked out, but where were his parents?

Fakebook · 26/08/2013 00:04

I bet his name was Damien too? Were there any priests at the BBQ? Just out of interest?!

MadameOvary · 26/08/2013 00:05

Maryz I only found the behaviour disturbing because of my own ignorance. I have learned, believe me.

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 26/08/2013 00:07

Must go to bed. Thanks to all the posters who bothered to read the thread before commenting.

OP posts:
CorrineFoxworth · 26/08/2013 00:12

Oh, I'm glad about that OP. God knows what name I was using when a bunch of us got Youtube accounts to comment on his "performance", the tosser Hmm

Goodnight.

CogDat · 26/08/2013 08:25

Sorry to bring this back but I was reading this thinking it sounds exactly like my son, who is almost six. I took him to see a paediatrician about ASD last year but they looked at my questionnaire and said he didn't score highly enough to take things further.
Now everyone saying it screams out ASD, would people think I should go back?
Especially the stuff about looking through other people blankly and getting into personal space resonated.

I do struggle to help him in social situations. He probably does seem terribly naughty. :(

paperlantern · 26/08/2013 08:28

I have to say because I had to supervise ds so closely I saw a fair amount of hitting etc in soft play from neurotypical children, they rarely show any distress over the child they have hit.... unless they are caught..... sometimes not even if it isn't the parent who caught them.

seriously get up in one of those things find a quiet corner and watch, now that really is an education

lotsofdirections · 26/08/2013 08:44

Not all children who behave badly are SEN. As a teacher I have come across various children who are clearly just nasty, as are some adults. SEN children just find the world confusing and struggle to cope, some children just want to be unpleasant, enjoy being vile.

saintlyjimjams · 26/08/2013 08:56

Oldmac - the most frightening part of your posts is that you don't realise you are ignorant. I think your comment about special schools has to be the most ignorant I have seen on here. My son attends a special school largely because he was isolated at mainstream & is now much more included in wider society. If you have any interest in educating yourself mumsnet is currently running the excellent This Is My Child campaign.

As for OP. Running a car over surfaces is what boys do. There are certainly a few red flag autism behaviours in your description which was maybe why you felt uncomfortable. What a shame if that's the case though - if he's on the spectrum he's vulnerable & needs support. He may just be a young NT child (maybe younger than he appears - big boys are often judged unfairly) uncertain of how to deal with such horrible behaviour from a gaggle of girls.

saintlyjimjams · 26/08/2013 09:02

And as for empathy - my severely autistic (non-verbal teen) is very aware of others feelings. He gets very upset if others are upset & cannot cope at all when he upsets his brothers - last time he upset ds2 he had a panic attack afterwards.