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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think there was something disturbing about this boy?

252 replies

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 19:28

Posting here so you can all give me a good slap and tell me not to be such an arse if I am BU.
DD, DP and I were at barbie at weekend with his two DD's. Lots of other parents with their DC. First I saw this boy is when DD was playing with a toy house. He kept running his car all over it. DD asked him to stop but he just ignored her and carried on. It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it.

I asked the boy, who was about 6 or 7, if he would play round the house instead of all over it but he just looked right through me. DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away. Fortunately at that point the boy's father came over and called him away, saying that he shouldn't be playing with doll's houses Hmm

Later DP's DD came over and told me about this rude boy who had pushed her off a swing and said "Are you blind"? when walking behind her. I asked what he looked like and she described someone similar to this boy but as there were others who fitted the description I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Next incident I witnessed was the boy trying to get under the table where some of the girls had made a den. He ignored their requests to go away until they were literally screaming at him, and still seemed unfazed. He seemed to have no concept of personal space and it appeared their distress left him completely unmoved. Again some parents had to intervene.

Final thing I witnessed was outside. He was trying to grab a bag of sweets from this girl who was carrying it. Again he ignored her telling him to leave her alone. He grabbed at the bag and she tried to push him away. He then hit her on the cheek. I shouted at him to stop. He just stood there with a faint smirk on his face. Completely unmoved. At that point his Dad came out and I told him what happened. The Dad was suprised and shocked. The boy only said, quite calmly "It wasn't on the face" Hmm The Dad then asked the girls what happened and they told him the same. At that point the Dad took the boy to his car to give him (I presume) a good talking to.

While they were there I asked the girl was ok. She was fine - I was more upset than her I think!

They got out of the car at the same time we were leaving, and DP's DD said "That's the boy that was horrible to us"

So what I want to know is, am I BU/small-minded/naive in being freaked out by his behaviour? I'm around kids a lot and nothing much fazes me. Quite a few kids I know have SEN or ASD traits and I never automatically assume a kid is being "naughty", esp if they're distressed. But the way this child just stood calmly in the midst of all the chaos he was creating was quite unnerving.

OP posts:
stillenacht · 25/08/2013 21:12

Thanks FanjoSmile

QuintessentialOldDear · 25/08/2013 21:13

No, you were upset because he tried to play with the boys house but not following the rules as to how you are supposed to play with it.

Like, boys playing with dolls, and they shoot each other rather than slow dance and shop for hand bags .... Wink

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 21:13

Mrsdevere
I would not rule it out. It is not uncommon and I would trust the gut instinct of a concerned mum who was there, over the navel gazing theorising of a bunch of people who were not.
If the OP has a concern, she had a concern. end of

LegoAcupuncture · 25/08/2013 21:14

"total inability to relate to others and total inability to empathise with others"

Yep, that would be an autistic trait. Ds2 was very much like this, we had to teach him empathy. But he certainly doesn't have a severe personality disorder! What shite are you reading or listening to?

Op, I agree with you on the gender specific toys, but tha is a bit of a red herring in your story tbh. Being disturbed by a child's behaviour isnt a nice trait. Being annoyed maybe yes, but disturbed is a bit OTT.

And I don't like the way people are being mean about the Ops aught er. Please remember she is only 5!

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 21:15

Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry at macs ridiculous comments

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 21:16

lego.
you are saying that narcisism does not exist ? whew. thats a relief. thanks for that

Nerfmother · 25/08/2013 21:17

Paper I might try it a bit more often!

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 21:18

Oh he wasn't told off. At no point did I tell him off until I saw him hit that girl. I suggested he could drive his car around the house, in between telling DD to share. He didn't want to. I left it and tried to speak to DD. Then his Dad called him away.

For the last time - this isn't about the boy's behaviour but my reaction to it. I've never seen that combination of behaviours before: the lack of empathy, rudeness, aggression and disregard for personal space. The boy might have had ASD or not. That's not the issue. My own ignorance is.

OP posts:
StayAwayFromTheEdge · 25/08/2013 21:19

So now the poor liitle boy is a Narsasist - what a load of bollocks

My boy would do all of those things and he is not autistic - he just gets cross when the rules of fair play are ignored and can hold a grudge for hours. He is lovely most of the time.

LegoAcupuncture · 25/08/2013 21:19

Did I say that? Wow, great ventriloquist act by me then.

YouTheCat · 25/08/2013 21:20

Narcissism is a learned behaviour. Autism is not.

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 21:21

no she is saying you shouldn't call a child narcissistic on the basis of a few pretty 50/50 incidents. The example I gave above explains why judging these incidents is so impossible.

fwiw never blame the kid in these incidents, they are all preventable if the adults can step in quickly enough to mediate/remove

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 21:22

op your title does ask "aibu to think there was something disturbing about this boy" not "aibu to be disturbed by this behaviour" your title does seem to imply you thought there was something wrong with the boy rather than something wrong with your reaction to him.

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 21:23

MadameOvary
you may not be getting an easy ride here, but I would trust the gut instinct of a mum who is in charge of her kids.
Even if you are wrong, so long as you didnt make a scene, there is no harm done.

Imagine if you sensed a problem, you failed to act and it went wrong.

you just carry on being you, MO.

paperlantern · 25/08/2013 21:24

madam Overy - seriously it is literally about getting in their quickly enough

Nancy66 · 25/08/2013 21:24

Bored kid at BBQ = next Peter Sutcliffe.

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 21:25

I agree Paper.

OP posts:
paperlantern · 25/08/2013 21:28

"even if you are in the wrong it's ok as long as you don't make a scene"

what you are teaching there is that it's ok to do what you want as long as nobody notices?

Themarriedwoman · 25/08/2013 21:28

Your daughter and the other girls sound particularly unpleasant. They were excluding the little boy, his behaviour wouldn't disturb me as much as your daughter's TBH.

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 21:29

StephenFry I guess the wording didn't help. But how, over the course of only a few hours, do you separate the two?

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 25/08/2013 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/08/2013 21:32

Doesn't sound disturbing at all. Sounds like he was being naughty in response to being treated badly by all the girls. You shouldn't have spoken to him about playing with the house- he had as much right to play with it as your daughter! Your daughter should have been made to share or she should have come away. And as for the den- why didn't someone tell the girls to let him play instead of nastily excluding him?

Cravey · 25/08/2013 21:34

Yabu he is a kid. One who was no doubt wound up and running off steam. You also might want to teach your child to share !!!

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 21:36

Nice attempt at diversion Mrs Dever.

but the whole point about the OP was a possible 'disturbed boy'

I have no idea if he is. But I do trust the OP instinct

and I would recommend that all mums trust their own instincts, when they kick in

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 21:40

Hold on here, I think people are getting a little caught up in defending this little boy and are demonising OPs DD in the process.

Both children could have behaved better here but neither have done anything really worth talking about.

Madame, if you find this kind of thing disturbing I think you need to give your face a wobble. The father dealt with it.

Maybe curb your outrage in future?