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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think there was something disturbing about this boy?

252 replies

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 19:28

Posting here so you can all give me a good slap and tell me not to be such an arse if I am BU.
DD, DP and I were at barbie at weekend with his two DD's. Lots of other parents with their DC. First I saw this boy is when DD was playing with a toy house. He kept running his car all over it. DD asked him to stop but he just ignored her and carried on. It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it.

I asked the boy, who was about 6 or 7, if he would play round the house instead of all over it but he just looked right through me. DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away. Fortunately at that point the boy's father came over and called him away, saying that he shouldn't be playing with doll's houses Hmm

Later DP's DD came over and told me about this rude boy who had pushed her off a swing and said "Are you blind"? when walking behind her. I asked what he looked like and she described someone similar to this boy but as there were others who fitted the description I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Next incident I witnessed was the boy trying to get under the table where some of the girls had made a den. He ignored their requests to go away until they were literally screaming at him, and still seemed unfazed. He seemed to have no concept of personal space and it appeared their distress left him completely unmoved. Again some parents had to intervene.

Final thing I witnessed was outside. He was trying to grab a bag of sweets from this girl who was carrying it. Again he ignored her telling him to leave her alone. He grabbed at the bag and she tried to push him away. He then hit her on the cheek. I shouted at him to stop. He just stood there with a faint smirk on his face. Completely unmoved. At that point his Dad came out and I told him what happened. The Dad was suprised and shocked. The boy only said, quite calmly "It wasn't on the face" Hmm The Dad then asked the girls what happened and they told him the same. At that point the Dad took the boy to his car to give him (I presume) a good talking to.

While they were there I asked the girl was ok. She was fine - I was more upset than her I think!

They got out of the car at the same time we were leaving, and DP's DD said "That's the boy that was horrible to us"

So what I want to know is, am I BU/small-minded/naive in being freaked out by his behaviour? I'm around kids a lot and nothing much fazes me. Quite a few kids I know have SEN or ASD traits and I never automatically assume a kid is being "naughty", esp if they're distressed. But the way this child just stood calmly in the midst of all the chaos he was creating was quite unnerving.

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 21:42

X post with everyone. Just seen OldMacs post.

Ffs...

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 25/08/2013 21:43

Oldmac - can you please link to evidence of NPD not being uncommon in 6 year olds.

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 25/08/2013 21:45

I instinctively have negative feels to some posters on this thread. If instinct is all that is needed I must be correct...

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 21:45

what exactly is a 'disturbed boy'? Confused is it an ignorant/lazy person's term for someone they don't/cant be bothered to understand? it actually sounds like a really old fashioned term tbh.

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 21:46

The thing is Mac, you've just pulled NPD out of your arse haven't you?

Nothing described here points even slightly in that direction. He's 6.

Beamur · 25/08/2013 21:47

Your description of this little boy reminds me very much of one I know who is a lot like this! He doesn't have any special needs, and I would say that he is improving with age, but as a younger child he was pretty horrible to be around. Despite his Mum being pretty on the ball around him he would happily destroy other kids toys, bite them, push them around with zero empathy for anyone else. I don't think it's sociopathic, but it's not nice to be around.

SirChenjin · 25/08/2013 21:52

But this little boy didn't bite and he didn't destroy other kids toys. What the OP described was a lot of kids who weren't particularly behaving themselves (as kids are known to do..)

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 21:53

Molly Hooper. keep it clean pls.

I did not pull it out of my bum. the evidence is clear to me.

if a boy was naughty. = naughtiness.
but the boy was naughty and she felt he was disturbing. = more than naughtiness

the OP knows what AHDH is. this was more

I trust her judgement

SirChenjin · 25/08/2013 21:54

You're the only one who does then - OP included, given that she's admitted she's questionning it.

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 25/08/2013 21:56

Oldmac - please outline your evidence of NPD and back up with research to show that it is common in a 6 year. I suspect you are an armchair psychologist who has no idea what they are talking about.

BlingBang · 25/08/2013 21:57

Guess it's one of those you had to be there things. Some people do leave you feeling unquiet - it is possible.

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 21:58

"if a boy was naughty. = naughtiness.
but the boy was naughty and she felt he was disturbing. = more than naughtiness

the OP knows what AHDH is. this was more

I trust her judgement"

wtactuaF?

do you know OP well then?

and what is this 'more'? is there an ADHD+ diagnosis nowadays?

you really do seem to be talking out of your arse mac.

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 21:58

Clean?

Most people would find your wild speculations about narc 6 year olds far more offensive that the word arse.

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 21:59

and wtf is AHDH? Grin

SirChenjin · 25/08/2013 21:59

Which is why it often helps to write down factually what happened and analyse the behaviour of all concerned objectively and dispassionately.

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 22:01

Stayawayfrom the edge

who said it was common ?
who mentioned 6 ?
who mentioned armchairs ?
and who mentioned psychology ?

apart from that. good post

NapaCab · 25/08/2013 22:03

God, I feel sorry for little boys these days. What you describe, OP, is pretty standard issue naughty boy behavior. His father clearly disciplined him and tried to intervene as necessary.

Would you have been as alarmed if it was a girl who slapped another girl, tried to muscle in on a game with other girls playing den, pushed a girl off a swing? You would probably think she was naughty but not a sociopath in the making.

Little boys get such a hard time compared to girls! No wonder boys are more likely to be prescribed drugs for ADHD and so on. And yet the 'naughty boy up to mischief' used to be an archetype of literature, a funny figure that everyone could appreciate like Just William or Huck Finn. Now people see threat and danger and 'disturbing' things everywhere.

Makes me feel depressed for my toddler DS...

MovingForward0719 · 25/08/2013 22:04

Some of it sounds pretty similar to my autistic son, age 6. To be fair, I think you are only aware of the red flags if you live with it yourself. I was surprised reading your post, because ASD was jumping out at me. You sound genuine OP so have a read of some of the stuff on special needs pages and it may ring bells. I would be heartbroken to think that people think there is something sinister about my son, but they probably do, I am so used to his behaviours that they have become normal to me. Put him in a crowd of people, especially a group of kids, and his behaviours increase ten fold. Makes me sad reading this. And happy that I am moving him to special school.

LegoAcupuncture · 25/08/2013 22:04

The op never mentioned AHDH ADHD, you're the only one that did Mac.

IneedAsockamnesty · 25/08/2013 22:06

I was very disturbed by a noise earlier turned out to be a toad

Thank fuck I didn't trust my instincts that were telling me it was the jigsaw killer.

A little bit later I could smell smoke good job I checked before deciding the house was on fire because it was only the neighbours burning rubbish.

Oldmac are you always so dramatic?

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 25/08/2013 22:09

The boy in question is 6 - I assumed this is who you were posting about.

You said...

Like he has a severe personality disorder. Narcisism seems to fit the bill imo
total inability to relate to others and total inability to empathise with others.
If that is what the OP has detected, I can see how that would be disturbing. It's not nice

And then you said...

I would not rule it out. It is not uncommon and I would trust the gut instinct of a concerned mum who was there, over the navel gazing theorising of a bunch of people who were not.
If the OP has a concern, she had a concern. end of

Over the space of two post you have suggested that a 6 year old boy has NPD and that it is not uncommon.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

The armchair psychologist was a dig at people who diagnose when they have no clue what they are talking about.

quirrelquarrel · 25/08/2013 22:09

Sounds like me as a kid. A lot of the time when there was any sort of conflict, small or bigger, I was hugely confused and trying to stay as calm as possible to step back and process what was happening, which probably made me look unresponsive, clueless, rude.....
Re: the smirk, kids are still learning and catching onto things like what facial expressions mean. He may have been thinking of something else, or focusing on just one aspect of the situation, or thinking that the smirk would signal something else (something innocuous) to you.....don't necessarily trust your initial interpretation straight off. I had loads of trouble with this still as a teenager.

I was not and am not a sociopath or a nasty person, I just have mild ASD and was a bit slow with certain things. He'll probably grow out of it, whatever 'it' is! Sorry you were freaked out though, sounds like you were overthinking it a bit.

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 22:09

MovingForward0719
thats horrible. but I have question. if someone did think there was something sisnster about him, what would you do ?
what could you do ?

isolate him ?

stillenacht · 25/08/2013 22:10

Movingforward hugs xxxx I understand completely. Lack of empathy, no social understanding, no knowledge of personal space... Christ my son doesn't even know he is a boy or his age... This child def sounds as if he has ASD to me.

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 22:13

who on earth should someone isolate their child because an adult is ignorant about SENs? Confused

mac you really are getting close to being quite offensive!

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