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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there was something disturbing about this boy?

252 replies

MadameOvary · 25/08/2013 19:28

Posting here so you can all give me a good slap and tell me not to be such an arse if I am BU.
DD, DP and I were at barbie at weekend with his two DD's. Lots of other parents with their DC. First I saw this boy is when DD was playing with a toy house. He kept running his car all over it. DD asked him to stop but he just ignored her and carried on. It wasn't her toy and I took the view that she should really share it as there was lots of kids there, but she wasn't having any of it.

I asked the boy, who was about 6 or 7, if he would play round the house instead of all over it but he just looked right through me. DD was getting really upset and trying to physically move his hand away but he was just carrying on. DD can be a bit funny about sharing so I didn't want to make a scene but had no clue what to do beyond taking the toy away. Fortunately at that point the boy's father came over and called him away, saying that he shouldn't be playing with doll's houses Hmm

Later DP's DD came over and told me about this rude boy who had pushed her off a swing and said "Are you blind"? when walking behind her. I asked what he looked like and she described someone similar to this boy but as there were others who fitted the description I didn't want to jump to conclusions.

Next incident I witnessed was the boy trying to get under the table where some of the girls had made a den. He ignored their requests to go away until they were literally screaming at him, and still seemed unfazed. He seemed to have no concept of personal space and it appeared their distress left him completely unmoved. Again some parents had to intervene.

Final thing I witnessed was outside. He was trying to grab a bag of sweets from this girl who was carrying it. Again he ignored her telling him to leave her alone. He grabbed at the bag and she tried to push him away. He then hit her on the cheek. I shouted at him to stop. He just stood there with a faint smirk on his face. Completely unmoved. At that point his Dad came out and I told him what happened. The Dad was suprised and shocked. The boy only said, quite calmly "It wasn't on the face" Hmm The Dad then asked the girls what happened and they told him the same. At that point the Dad took the boy to his car to give him (I presume) a good talking to.

While they were there I asked the girl was ok. She was fine - I was more upset than her I think!

They got out of the car at the same time we were leaving, and DP's DD said "That's the boy that was horrible to us"

So what I want to know is, am I BU/small-minded/naive in being freaked out by his behaviour? I'm around kids a lot and nothing much fazes me. Quite a few kids I know have SEN or ASD traits and I never automatically assume a kid is being "naughty", esp if they're distressed. But the way this child just stood calmly in the midst of all the chaos he was creating was quite unnerving.

OP posts:
StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 22:13

i think i'm going to have to hide this now if shit like that^^ carries on tbh.

LegoAcupuncture · 25/08/2013 22:14

Moving forward, xposted with you. My son has ASD and could easily be the child op is talking about. I agree with you about red flags when you've got a child similar.

Threads like this do bring out a lot of different opinions, some of them very prejudice. Please ignore the ones that have no idea what they're talking about.

quirrelquarrel · 25/08/2013 22:16

Sorry stille but it really rankles when people link "no empathy" and ASD. There is a spectrum of levels of empathy and obviously ASD is a spectrum, and while yes there is some sort of correlation between the two, it's not that black and white. Many people with ASD experience very strong empathetic connections with humans and animals.....they just don't show it, or they don't recognise this connection as surely as NTs might.
I'll get off my soapbox.......

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 22:17

We are still talking about children here right?

Sinister? Isolation?

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 25/08/2013 22:18

Nancy66 I am picturing this boy looking like Damian from The Omen how weird is that?

Weird yes.
I'd be unnerved by it and find it odd, but I wouldn't actually be frightened of the child.
I'd probably think that the parents don't tell the child off and he doesn't have any/many boundaries.

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 22:18

StephenFry
Isolate as in special needs school, ie not in a mainstream school

LegoAcupuncture · 25/08/2013 22:19

Special school does not equal isolation!

Salmotrutta · 25/08/2013 22:21

Lot of fuss about nothing. Normal children's nonsense by the sound of it.

DH and i must be very weird because when our two (now grown up) DC were out and about with us at social events we really only intervened if someone was bleeding. Only half joking

But then we were founder members of the "Let Them Get On With It Club".

Seems to be an awful lot of "helicopter" parenting going on by people who see "disturbing" behaviour where none exists. Hmm

IneedAsockamnesty · 25/08/2013 22:22

Oldmac,

Now your goading,you must be its just not possible for someone to be that much of a arse

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 25/08/2013 22:22

Oldmac - your ignorance knows no bounds.

MrsCakesPremonition · 25/08/2013 22:23

Children go to a special school because that is the school best suited to their needs and their future. It has absolutely nothing to do with hiding them from strangers who think they 'look sinister'.

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 22:26

Non mainstream schools are there to provide things like more one on one attention and flexible learning.

Their purpose is not to isolate children for the benefit of other pupils.

OldMacEIEIO · 25/08/2013 22:27

well, I am not deliberately goading. and I do not believe I am ignorant.
but in the interests of not provoking any aggro where it's possible to avoid it

I will say OP YANBU, and bow out. byeeee

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 22:28

Careful now Sock, arse is a bad word. :o

MollyHooper · 25/08/2013 22:30

Cheery banana Mac.

I do hope you take some time to look at the facts behind your opinions.

MovingForward0719 · 25/08/2013 22:30

Actually my son doesn't look sinister. He is heartbreakingly gorgeous and funny and delightful. I said I would be heartbroken IF people thought that of him, based on the OP's comments. He did go to ms school. It hasn't worked out and now he is going to a school where he will be more comfortable in his own skin and taught be specialist trained staff. I don't think I need to say anything else as some very lovely people on here have done that for me. Except that he will never be isolated, he has family and friends who love him.

StephenFrySaidSo · 25/08/2013 22:36

send a child to a special needs school because a stranger has an 'instinct'? are you for real?

MrsDeVere · 25/08/2013 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CorrineFoxworth · 25/08/2013 22:39

My DS used to run cars obsessively over things and take no notice of people whatsoever - I thought for ages that he didn't register them but as it happens they freaked him out with their eye-contact and speaking to him etc

He is now six with a reading age of thirteen and nicely isolated in a special school. I didn't realise I wasn't supposed to take him out in public in the holidays and at weekends. Perhaps if I had we'd have all been happier but then, when would he have learned that people need to be appropriately interacted with or the rules of society? He does have to live in it after all and while it is taking him longer he is making great progress.

As are some of the ignorant neurotypical fuckers I encounter from time to time, not that their empathy and compassion should be my responsibility.

memememum · 25/08/2013 22:42

It sounds to me like all the children he tried to join in playing with wouldn't let him. So unsurprisingly he started being naughty in response.

I think it's normal for children (and some adults for that matter) to be awkward in social situations.

stillenacht · 25/08/2013 22:43

Squirrel.. Yes I can see what you mean, about the not showing empathy. I see my boy have connections with animals and with us and I am sure somewhere deep inside him he empathises, it's heartbreaking that it never comes out though. I see what you mean Smile

MrsDeVere · 25/08/2013 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CorrineFoxworth · 25/08/2013 22:56

Quirrel and stillenacht, the empathy is there. DS and I are both HSP so what may look like a lack of it is actually a defence mechanism against emotional overload.

I find it more heartbreaking that people who are not on the spectrum show such a lack of compassion.

And I keep wanting to "like" MrsDV's posts and hitting report Grin

MeAndMySpoon · 25/08/2013 23:02

OldMac, are you on glue?

(sorry, had to be done Grin)

I mean, do you have demonic beliefs or something? Why do you keep on about 'sinister'? Confused Sinister is, in my mind, a term that ought never to be applied to children unless in the context of a really, really bad ITV drama or crapoid horror film. This child was idiosyncratic, or in a bit of a daze, or yes, maybe rude, but far more likely just being himself (whether that includes having ASD traits or not). He was not being 'sinister' ffs. Hmm

DS2 has ASD. He's only 2 and a half but I can see him behaving exactly as the OP outlined, unless of course, DH and I were constantly 'helicoptering' him (thanks Salmotrutta Hmm) at this party to make sure he didn't freak anyone out. Sad

nametakenagain · 25/08/2013 23:06

Is it better to alert strangers to your DCs' special needs so that they are aware and make allowances, or let them judge according to 'normal' standards of behaviour? I can't decide what's best.