To think my friends are shit and want to make some new ones

[Holly94]

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my friends since I found out I was pregnant.
I found out I was pregnant 2 days after we all finished sixth form and no one could understand my decision to keep my baby instead of have an abortion.
Went on a girls holiday (booked a while ago) when I was 11 weeks and spent the whole week throwing up. I tried talking to them all while I was with them but they kept walking off and several times I heard them discussing me while they thought i was asleep. One girl told me I was so irritating 'always being ill' and told me I annoyed her so much she wanted to hit me.
Since we got back I've texted them a lot, face booked, tried to meet up, no one responds to me. Asked them how their results went, they just told me and didn't ask about mine. Just seen a status of them all on Facebook having a girls night in at someone's house. I would have loved a girly night. I feel so fucking alone right now. I just want some new friends. AIBU?

Congrats.
This is such a happy, exciting time dont let your old friends put a downer on it.
You will meet so many new friends through your baby with a shared interest and similar priorities. My friendship group has changed since I had my dd and I'm 32 so I think it happens to us all- I don't have time/want to go out clubbing anymore so you drift away from the ones that do and tend to hang out with other mummy's.
Honestly you will have so much fun meeting new friends you will forget about the old ones :)

Maybe have a look if there are any bump groups in your area you could do these as well as antenatal classses and meet more people before baby arrives

They don't sound like really good friends if they are going to be like that.

One of my best mates from school got pregnant and had a baby half way through uni, and while the rest of us were still at the going out clubbing/going out all the time stage we made sure that when we went home in the holidays we did stuff in the daytime (like picnics, going for coffee) with her and the baby. Because friends shoud be supportive even if they don't understand.

Try not to be sad, you'll make new friends (probably other mums) that are less daft and won't just see you as 'the one that had a baby at 18'.

^exactly what Wishful said! I was in my late 20's when I had my first dc and a lot of my old friends drifted away, they are lovely people but we just didn't really have anything in common anymore and I don't think they understood that I didn't have the time or inclination to go out drinking every weekend anymore. It took a while to come to terms with but now a few of them have children we have started meeting up more and I have loads of lovely new friends that I have met through baby groups and nursery etc. It is a wonderful time but still a massive upheaval whatever age it happens but I can imagine being younger it must be all the more scary. You seem very intelligent and sorted, I think you will be fine.

These people are not your friends, they are utter bitches who deserve no place in your life. Congratulations and good luck on your exciting new journey

You seem very mature and sensible in your posts, this will serve you well and you will find new friends amongst mums and others at university (not all students are wanting to go out and get drunk and stay up all night, there's other mature students/quieter students/students with different circumstances and interests).

Good luck with it all, I think you found out the hard way these friends just can't adapt to the new you, but that reflects badly on them, not you, and in some ways I think they will regret losing you more than the other way around.

YANBU, OP if i was you'd I'd completely cut the toxic ones out of your life- off social media and off your phone. You don't need the stress right now.

Your friends sound very immature, which isn't surprising in some ways- your life will be totally different from their's, very far apart. In their eyes , they may feel you 'ruined their holiday with the sickness-especially if they had to curb some activities or look after you. That could lead to a lot of resentment especially over money being 'lost' in their eyes. This doesn't in any way excuse them, especially the shit who was horrible about wanting to hit you, but it's probably something that could be grinding at them.

Or you might consider that one of them or more may have had to make the choice you did to but chose abortion and so resents you or finds it hard to be around and support.

Whatever the reasons, they are being downright horrible and toxic and you deserve better. Added to that would you want them anywhere near your DC?

There will be mature students and uni and those who are generally more mature and friendly, cut the toxic waste and concentrate on your new life.

A long time ago when I was 17 my closest school friend got pregnant and decided (initially) to keep her baby. We rallied round her and she ended up staying with my parents for a while when her Mum and Dad made life very difficult for her. She too was throwing up a lot and couldn't engage in the things that the rest of us were doing, like drinking and going to parties (which is how she ended up pregnant in the first place!).

It was difficult for us as well. We wanted to be supportive but we didn't really have a clue what she was going through and I'm sure she felt let down by us during this time.

She ended up having a termination. She left it really late and had to have the labour induced. I think this must have been horrible and traumatic for her but, again, none of us really "got" it and once the baby was aborted we expected her just to "go back to normal" which of course wasn't easy for her.

I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say here. I'm not making excuses for your friends and they probably could be kinder to you and include you more, but your situation is NOTHING like theirs at the moment and they honestly won't have a clue what you're going through and will find it hard to empathise.

I really hope things work out for you and your baby.

Holly94 where abouts are you? I know some lovely groups around here ( had my ds at 21) and went through the same thing as you. Feel free to pm me x

Thank you everyone for all your advice and words of wisdom :)
I am feeling a lot better today and have decided to delete the girls from any form of social media. I have a midwife appointment a week tomorrow and I'm going to ask her about any local groups or sure start groups. I wouldn't want girls like this anywhere near my baby so even if they did 'come round' after the baby is born, I wouldn't even entertain them.
I'm lucky that I've got lots of lovely colleagues at work who I get on really well with, my DP and a family support network. I also have a couple of other close friends - one from an old job and someone I've been friends with for years.

Holly94 That sounds like a good plan, if they behave like that then they don't deserve to know about your life, and they'll be very exciting times ahead for you. Good luck with everything.

As they say, focus on the ones who matter-not the ones who don't.

Everything mia said :)
Good luck with everything

Great to hear you are feeling more positive. You sound like you've got your head screwed on!

Just remember whether you're 18, 28 or 38 a first baby is exactly that, and a whole new ball game for everyone. It's a great levelled too!

Leveller

Congratulations on your baby and your A Levels!

I think your friends are scared of you- most teen girls get it drummed into them that an unexpected teen pregnancy is an awful thing that means your life is OVER and now you're a living embodiment of that fear. Hence the horrendous nastiness with your best friend.

One of my mates from school failed her A Levels and had a baby very young. She's a doctor now.

"I am just choosing not to interact with them. And in several years time when I have a lovely 5 year old DC, a uni degree and a great new set of friends I will smile smugly wink"
wow that's the spirit -congratulations-you go lady!!!

OP - whereabouts are you? (PM if prefer to not put on thread and apols if have put on thread as I haven't scrolled up and read all since my post!)

They don't understand and are being immature :(

My best friend announced she was pregnant, oddly enough just after we finished A'level on a girls trip to Spain!

She went on a year later to study medicine around looking after her baby (who is now a beautiful intelligent 15 year old). She is a GP now and has just had her 4th baby - and is very very happy! No life ruined there :)

I hope you get lots of support and don't give a second thought to what other girls say x

I'm so sorry your friends are being like this, but you've got such a good attitude. Find out your local support groups/mum and baby groups. Are you doing antenatal classes? We met people through Nct, I know it's expensive to do the antenatal classes, but they run free bumps and babies groups and nearly new sales!

Hiya Holly.

I'm so sorry that your so-called "friends" have treated you so unkindly since you fell pregnant - definitely not what you need right now! They sound like scum-bags actually and you're well shot of them. But you're so right when you say that the moment you first hold your baby in your arms, none of this will matter...

I was in exactly the same position as you a decade ago - not kidding! I fell pregnant with my son in 2001 when I was 17 and lost most of my friends in the days after I found out. Sadly my relationship with my son's father also ended 5 months after our son was born, and the few remaining friends I had left, drifted away with him. Even my own first cousin ditched me! (That reeeeeeeally hurt). She was (still is) in a relationship with one of my ex's best friends, and so off she went with them. I think she, along with everyone else, decided I wasn't worth the hassle.

It was a horrible time - especially as for all my faults, I know I would never have been so shitty to someone in the same situation. I may not have totally understood what they were going through, but I sure as hell wouldn't have ditched them. My family weren't particularly supportive either - in fact the only person to wish me luck and congratulations on my pregnancy with DS, was my 14 year old little sister. She really showed up all the "grown-ups" there...

My story does have a happy ending though: I met a great guy, we fell in love and I made new friends (mostly through him, although some through work). My son is a fantastic little dude and I love him to pieces - he just turned 11 last month. And to top it off, my partner and I now have a 15 month old daughter together. Most days I can't stop smiling!

Now that we're all approaching 30, the majority of my old "friends" have had babies of their own in the last year or two (I guess this is the acceptable age to do it)! Including my cousin!!! Ironically enough, despite their disinterest in the early days, many of them seem to want to meet up or have messaged me on facebook asking for advice - isn't it funny how I'm suddenly worth knowing now?! I have politely declined their invites!

The only advice I would give you is to carry on with your education and work, so that you've got as many different avenues as possible to meet new people. My friends now are fantastic, but because the majority of them were my DP's first, I always have that nagging doubt that I might get ditched once again, should me and DP ever go our separate ways. I'm fairly sure they wouldn't, but it's always wise not to put all your eggs in one basket!

You sound like a lovely girl - keep doing what you're doing and you'll be a social butterfly again in the next year or two! Best of luck with everything (apologies for length)!

Mum-friends are more useful now to you anyway. They are multi-functional: babysitters, shoulders to cry on, party buddies, playmate for your DC all r

All rolled into one.

I found my friends reeallly hard work when I had dd (& I was 23!). They didn't really get how all consuming it was. I was endlessly watching what I said about them so as not to bore/freak/bemuse them.

My mummy friends became far, far closer than my school friends had ever been. It turns out that growing up as parents together is a deeper bond than growing up as children together.

(btw - all my school friends suddenly want to hang with my kids. It's a total giveaway when someone is getting ready to sprog!)

So ditch the baggage; pack away your insecurities and push yourself to work the mummy circuit.

You won't get on with everyone you meet - buy its really good for your postnatal mental health to get out and about.

Congrats on your grades and the pregnancy :) I'm guessing that your so-called friends are having problems understanding what you're going through and the easy way to deal with it is to become distant. Loads of people have mentioned young mum groups, and there are also groups which include people pregnant. There's an NCT-run tums to tots group where I live. Loads of people from different age groups go and they are welcoming. Sometimes life doesn't work out the way we plan it to, but it sounds like you're doing a great job. Deciding to still go to uni as well as having a baby is so admirable. Good luck.

I was 33 when I had my first baby & was the first amongst our group of friends. My friends were pleased for me & supportive, but it was still hard because the paths we were on separated. A couple of years down the line when I had #2, quite a lot of them had started families & we started socialising regularly again because our needs & timetables were more in synch, if you see what I mean. Your friends HAVE behaved badly, no question about it, but it doesn't mean you'll be friendless for any time at all. As others have said, most women are a bit shell-shocked after their first baby and some lifelong friendships can be formed "in the trenches". I'd second what others have said about keeping an open mind when you're meeting other mums, as things like parenting style and positive mental attitude are often a lot more important post-baby than superficial stuff like age, education etc. Take your friends where you find them, if you get my drift, and you'll be fine.

By the way, I used to work with someone who had an unplanned baby at 18. She's only a year or two older than me but is already an empty nester in her early 40s and living the life of riley whilst me & a whole lot of other mums who left it til their thirties are knackered trying to keep up with young children & demanding jobs etc. I secretly envy her, though I know she made a lot of sacrifices when her son was young. The path you've taken is different to many women's but it has definite benefits.

Yuck - they sound the worst. TBH like the others say baby groups will really help. I started off my mat leave thinking I have enough mates, don't need to go to baby groups. However found my life changed so much & I just moved on from my other mates as we were in different time zones :). I met a bunch of mums through baby group and we go out socially now. Youngest mum is 19 oldest is 44, having a baby is a great leveller and we all get on really well. The 19 year old is my hero, she's such a great mum. Please don't beat yourself up about your age. Wishing you luck in finding some good mates your current ones do sound immature and definitely rubbish.