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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends are shit and want to make some new ones

127 replies

Holly94 · 24/08/2013 22:56

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my friends since I found out I was pregnant.
I found out I was pregnant 2 days after we all finished sixth form and no one could understand my decision to keep my baby instead of have an abortion.
Went on a girls holiday (booked a while ago) when I was 11 weeks and spent the whole week throwing up. I tried talking to them all while I was with them but they kept walking off and several times I heard them discussing me while they thought i was asleep. One girl told me I was so irritating 'always being ill' and told me I annoyed her so much she wanted to hit me.
Since we got back I've texted them a lot, face booked, tried to meet up, no one responds to me. Asked them how their results went, they just told me and didn't ask about mine. Just seen a status of them all on Facebook having a girls night in at someone's house. I would have loved a girly night. I feel so fucking alone right now. I just want some new friends. AIBU?

OP posts:
poppingin1 · 25/08/2013 01:17

"Because everyone knows a side effect of pregnancy is shitting on the bathroom floor"

Ha ha! The secret is out then.

Hmm...

My pop psychology degree tells me this girl was punishing you and it has become pack mentality to do this. You are well rid!

At least you know this now while you are still young enough to make lots of new friends.

One thing I will say is that I found the early months of motherhood very isolating and I also moved house not long after my DD was born which made it much worse. Go to as many social things as you can in your new town so you can slowly but gradually build a small social circle. I was nervous about being a young mum too so didn't go to any baby groups and I wish I had now.

MorphyBrown · 25/08/2013 01:17

Why would any of them be jealous???

I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy and future OP. Mothers manage to get degrees and have babies, but it's sure as hell not the easy option.

I think you need to recognise that as far as they're concerned you are doing something incomprehensible. You've spent the past 13 years working towards going to university. You get to live away from home and have the freedom to do what you want with no responsibilities. It's the most amazing social experience. You're surrounded by thousands of other young people doing the same thing. Having babies at 18 is not on any of their radars.

MorphyBrown · 25/08/2013 01:20

You may find that the support offered to young mothers in your area is geared towards girls without your support network or education.

jacks365 · 25/08/2013 01:31

I think dd (17) currently has 3 pregnant friends and one with a 2 and a half year old and no matter what anyone else said she would be stood by your side. Everyone chooses their own path in life but true friends support you through it.

Contact your local sure start centre they will have groups running who will welcome everyone irrespective of age, they should also have groups for young mums but don't limit yourself, motherhood is an experience that spans ages and is more to do with shared experience. At my local group we have mothers young and old plus a few grandmothers but we are all one happy group.

AmGrowingAnAwesomeTree · 25/08/2013 01:34

OP Firstly, congratulations on your results AND your Uni plans AND uber congrats about the babySmile

For what it's worth, I know with utter certainty my DD's (one also just got results so same age..) would never treat their friends that way... And if they did and I knew of it, I would go batshit on them! So no, YADefDNBU!

You also sound incredibly mature and 'sorted', so my gut feel is you will be just fine. Good luck with allSmile x

PS your 'friends' sound like total c*nts btwAngry (sorry, blunt I know but true); pregnant or not, you are unquestionably well rid.

poppingin1 · 25/08/2013 01:41

Morphy I disagree with you on this. They could very well be jealous of OP's situation irrespective of how hard it is to be a young parent.

And this: "You may find that the support offered to young mothers in your area is geared towards girls without your support network or education."

Hmm
PickledMoomin · 25/08/2013 01:51

You don't need them!
I was 19 when DD was born and I lost contact with lots of 'friends'. I was worried about not fitting in at antenatal groups too but I made life long friends and we've been through so much since.

jacks365 · 25/08/2013 01:52

The support geared towards young mums in my area makes the assumption that they have no qualifications so they include basic lessons in numeracy ane literacy as part of the ante natal classes the op would possibly find she has little in common.

SnapCackleFlop · 25/08/2013 01:55

I think lots of people (older and younger alike) could be very envious of someone with a supportive partner, good exam results (university to follow), about to move into own place, lovely baby on the way.

BTW, I wanted to mention a good way to meet new friends and a good idea if you're planning to breastfeed is so go along to a LLL group. You mentioned you were in Yorkshire so I googled and found this
www.communigate.co.uk/brad/lalecheleague/page1.phtml
Don't know if it would suit you at all but I know lots of women who've gone to LLL groups when pregnant and it's always worked out great (i never had the foresight to go when pregnant but think it's great idea!).

Really hope you're feeling a bit better. x

MorphyBrown · 25/08/2013 01:59

How could any of them be jealous? I'm sure they could be pregnant too if they wanted to be. They don't.

That's what I meant Jacks. I doubt there will be many people there with a deferred place at university.

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 02:04

So I won't go to the antenatal groups aimed at younger mothers then. Mostly I think I'd just like some pregnant friends.

OP posts:
SnapCackleFlop · 25/08/2013 02:05

I don't think it's quite as simple as that. One of more of them may have had an abortion. Maybe they could get pregnant but know no-one would hang around to support them.

I don't think any of it is straightforward. Perhaps the op has always been the beautiful one in the group and there's always been some jealousy, maybe her results were better....

SnapCackleFlop · 25/08/2013 02:12

Sorry x post - was replying to Morphy.

MorphyBrown · 25/08/2013 02:28

They can't understand why someone would give up what they have. People often have trouble with childless friends not getting how their lives work post DC and how their priorities have changed, and those are women in their 20s and 30s. It's just so far from their experience it's alien to them.

OP I'd go to everything you can. Take all the help and support you can get. Some of it won't be useful, but some of it will. Be gracious if people come round once the baby is born even if they've been arsey before. This is real to you but just an idea to others until the baby makes their appearance. You haven't mentioned your parents or family. You'll need them too.

Grow a thick skin and focus on your future.

Thatballwasin · 25/08/2013 02:33

Well, I would never have behaved like this if one of my friends have become pregnant on leaving school. However, when one of my BFs aged 32 told me she was trying for a baby I was surprised and a bit disappointed in myself that I felt a wave of rejection (because obviously it was all about me Hmm). Embarrassingly, I think it roughly translated as "what, going out and playing with me isn't enough any more??". We've always seem very in tune in terms of being emotionally ready for different life stages and there she was doing something I really hadn't considered. Obviously, being in my early 30s at the time and someone who tries hard not to be a complete twat, I didn't bleet "but what about meeeeee??" in my DFs face (although I did have DC1 two months after she did Blush).

MorphyBrown · 25/08/2013 02:38

If you do have a place at university held for next year, you could always talk to them about visiting their crèche facilities. Meeting other mothers who are combining university with being a parent might give you some good connections.

peppapigsmummy · 25/08/2013 07:08

Hi Holly, ..I'm a young mum too. Thankfully I had mature friends prior to pregnancy but really, I have 4-5 close friends and they are not a group. Singular woman whom I meet with all separately. Don't pressure yourself to be part of a group. .especially not one which makes you feel like this. Drop them like hot potatoes. .it won't get better. You'll be talking about weaning and toddler tantrums and they'll be binge drinking at the weekend and attending uni classes, Your lives are moving in opposite directions and that's OK.

I was 18 when I fell pregnant, had been with dp two years and very recently engaged before discovering we were pregnant. I've never been a 'typical teen' so didn't suffer a sudden change in my immediate friendships like you but I can understand how hard this is for you. dc is two now and we get married in six months. I couldn't be happier. I have a lovely friend who is always off in some exotic country helping children and having incredible adventures and I remember thinking. .gosh, have I tied myself down to early? but dp and I know these things are all in the pipeline if we want them to be. .We can raise our children and br young enough to still see the world if we want to.

You are going to have a beautiful baby soon and if I remember you say you are living with your partner. ..focus on this wonderful family you are building for yourself, its a beautiful thing. You will meet new people. .be brave. .go to those baby groups and instigate those friendships. Invite the mums you like for play dates and offer your number- once a week groups can mean you never get around to swapping details and before you know it the opportunity is missed if they/you move on.

You will be fine love..honestly. x

CheungFun · 25/08/2013 07:21

I second the idea to ask your midwife about any young mums groups. If there aren't any, definitely make sure you get yourself to antenatal classes and some mum and baby groups. If you look up Sure Start for your local area, they have a lot of different groups/activities going on and I found them excellent! It's also worth looking at notice boards at your local church or community centre for other groups.

Two tips that worked for me once the baby is born, 1) make sure you leave the house and go out every day even if its to a local shop to buy milk, just to get a sense of normality and some fresh air. And 2) talk to people at mum and baby groups, don't wait for them to talk to you first.

Wishing you all the best!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/08/2013 07:54

Go to the young mum's group. They are usually for U25s so there will probably be people there with no qualifications, those with GCSEs, those with A levels, those with degrees and maybe even those in the middle of a Ph.d.

Some things won't be relevant to you but some will.

Personally I suspect that "best friend" has had a termination in the last 6 months. Her reaction is too strong otherwise....

Chocolateteabag · 25/08/2013 08:23

Hi Holly
Some lovely and vv sensible posts on here
Just wanted to add that one of my new "mum" friends is 12 years younger than me (25 - 37) - ie it's perfectly possible to make friends with people of different ages. I would definitely go to any group you find, you don't have to stay or go back if you don't like it. But don't worry about age. It's one thing that as you get older people will care less about.

Good luck, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a really good future ahead of you

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 25/08/2013 08:41

I'd go to a young mums' group and a general one and see which suits you best.

I was 44 when I had my third DC (after a gap) and so was at the other end of the child bearing ladder. I felt a bit self conscious taking him to baby groups at first, fearing that everyone would be younger. In fact they were all younger but it didn't matter and it was the common denominator
of having a small baby that made the link - not our ages. I'd have been pleased and flattered if you had turned up at a group I went to and had wanted to get to know me.

Good luck.

FourGates · 25/08/2013 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RooRooTaToot · 25/08/2013 09:12

Congratulations on both your baby and your exam results!

Your ''friends" sound like bitches. That was a vile way to treat you while on holiday. I disagree with those who said that most 18 year olds would dump a friend if they became pregnant. I teach 18 year olds and remember being one and most proper friends are incredibly supportive. They may start to drift away a year down the line as your lives move in different directions, but to be so openly hostile is disgusting.

I agree with those who say to go to a range of baby groups. I have a one year old and have made some lovely friends this year who are a range of ages and backgrounds. I know our local children's centre has a lot of groups and classes for young mums.

I'd delete these horrible women from your FB, Twitter etc. and forget about them.

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 25/08/2013 09:26

Fuck 'em.

I would try the young mums groups but if you don't really click with them just go to the normal groups, there'll be a mix of people there. I had DD at 21 (just after graduating) and haven't had any trouble making friends, though they are generally 10 years older than me!

The sure start young parenting groups will probably be more useful for you than me because they will be able to help you with accessing grants etc to cover childcare when you are studying.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 25/08/2013 09:27

Congratulations, by the way!

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