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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friends are shit and want to make some new ones

127 replies

Holly94 · 24/08/2013 22:56

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my friends since I found out I was pregnant.
I found out I was pregnant 2 days after we all finished sixth form and no one could understand my decision to keep my baby instead of have an abortion.
Went on a girls holiday (booked a while ago) when I was 11 weeks and spent the whole week throwing up. I tried talking to them all while I was with them but they kept walking off and several times I heard them discussing me while they thought i was asleep. One girl told me I was so irritating 'always being ill' and told me I annoyed her so much she wanted to hit me.
Since we got back I've texted them a lot, face booked, tried to meet up, no one responds to me. Asked them how their results went, they just told me and didn't ask about mine. Just seen a status of them all on Facebook having a girls night in at someone's house. I would have loved a girly night. I feel so fucking alone right now. I just want some new friends. AIBU?

OP posts:
Crumbledwalnuts · 25/08/2013 00:07

I really think it's time for you to grow up and not worry about all your friends out drinking without you. You're having a baby - you're worrying about the wrong things.

OneUp · 25/08/2013 00:10

Holly, have PM'd you :)

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 00:11

What? I'm not worrying about my friends out drinking without me at all, I'm upset because I've tried for weeks to keep in touch with my friends and they've all ditched me.
Anyone would be upset by that. My main priority is my baby and making sure my child's future is secure, hence my full time job and my determination to get a degree.

OP posts:
OneUp · 25/08/2013 00:13

Crumbledwalnuts it's pretty hard to find out that people you thought were friends don't care about you.

musicismylife · 25/08/2013 00:14

op, you are 18, not twelve. Your age is irrelevant. What's happened has happened and you will soon be a mum to a fabulous new life. In my experience, nothing comes close :-)

As for your friends, fuck 'em x

musicismylife · 25/08/2013 00:16

Crumbled, op is feeling rejected. So pregnant women shouldn't feel rejected Hmm

Crumbledwalnuts · 25/08/2013 00:17

Yes, it probably is - but it's part of growing up too. It's one of the things that's hard about having a baby out of school. You can't expect everyone to support your decision. But Holly you're lucky, you do have a supportive partner and will get lots of other support from baby groups.

musicismylife · 25/08/2013 00:18

Crumbled, not supporting someone's decision does not mean you isolate them.

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 00:26

I can completely understand not wanting to support my decision but at the end of the day, it's my body and my baby. One of the comments I got when I told them I was pregnant was 'oh my god, so what are you gonna do on freshers week?' . Erm, I'd just found out I was pregnant. The last thing in my mind was 'ahh shit, freshers week is ruined'.

OP posts:
SnapCackleFlop · 25/08/2013 00:26

Being pregnant doesn't make you not notice horrible and nasty treatment. In fact often the most hard and thick skinned are amazed at how pregnancy and having a baby can make them so much more aware and sensitive to things there were impervious to before.

The op has been struggling with huge questions of whether or keep a surprise pregnancy as well as finishing Alevels and having to cope with family/friend/partner reactions too. She's been treated horribly by the people she thought were here friends - not just not being invited and being excluded (although that's horrible as it's been over several months not just one night) but she's been bitched about within earshot and even told someone wanted to punch her because she had severe morning sickness.

It's unfair to make a patronising comment when it isn't even justified.

Beastofburden · 25/08/2013 00:31

Fr some reason these girls seem to have decided to dump you for being pregnant. I think that text makes it clear. Unless you live in a gang of sweetly virtuous virgins (no?) I can't think it is a moral thing, so more likely they are deciding you have chosen a different path, and can't be part of their gang any more.

It is weird, but they are about to find out for themselves that school friendships fall away anyway once you go to Uni. This whole "in-crowd/ out-crowd" thing will seem very babyish and embarrassing to them in a year or so.

Meanwhile, you are right when you say you won't care once you have your baby. You have the building blocks of a happy adult life- DP, DC and options for your future. I think you are quite right to say it is time for some new friends. You probably would have done that anyway once you went to Uni.

Being left out is always shit, but actually I am not sure it's even personal to you. They have just reclassified you as a grownup so no longer part of the gang.

Fairyegg · 25/08/2013 00:31

I got pregnant accidentally in my mid 20's. Before that I had a great life, lots of friends, out most nights etc etc. as soon as I got pregnant no one wanted to know me anymore, it was like I wasn't fun to them now. I was gutted. Fast forward 6 years and I really don't care. I can see now they weren't real friends, just friends for that time in my life. Whilst I no longer have so many friends, the friends I do have a true ones which is worth so much more. Congratulations on your baby.

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 00:35

beastofburden that actually makes a lot of sense. I think they have it in their heads that we were all going to be best of friends forever and no one was ever ever going to develop new friends or grow up or do things like, shock horror, fall pregnant.
I have been friends with them since primary school which is what makes it hurt a lot more - 14 years of friendship and now my life is going in a different direction to theirs, I am no longer allowed to join in. I know in the grand scheme of things I have much bigger things to worry about than a group of girls who have shown their nasty sides but seeing them all having a lovely time on Facebook tonight just tipped me over the edge and I ended up crying. Can I blame the hormones? :)

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 25/08/2013 00:47

Actually, yes, the hormones will be raging, have you got any chocolate?

I think the friendships will not all be dead. What will happen is they will now get filtered a bit. The ones who were only friends because you all happened to be physically in the same space, but actually you have grown apart, meh, they will die off. The ones who you have a proper bond with, they will come back quietly to you, probably apologise, want to see the baby.

In any case, this herd socialising is a thing that gets old after a bit. seeing a couple of good friends for a proper talk might be more rewarding. after all, tou are mot on the lull and you cant get pissed, so the traditional gang stuff is not going to work.

in your shoes I would quietly try to pull out a couple of people who mean the most to me, and see them privately for a nice chat and a promise of a cuddle when the baby arrives. Is there one who is more mature than the others, or who you are closer to? Can you quietly arrange to have a coffee and tell her, you are sad that the others have dumped you but you really don't want to lose her friendship?

Beastofburden · 25/08/2013 00:48

Sorry-" you are not on the pull"

musicismylife · 25/08/2013 00:49

Well said, beastofburden.

Op, in life you have unconditional friends - those who don't care what decisions you make but are there for you, regardless. And conditional friends - flaky people who do not like your life choices because they don't fit in with theirs.

And not everyone who wants to go to uni actually manages to see it through, because real life gets in the way. Two of my very close friends didn't manage to: one fell pregnant and the other had a breakdown .
.

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 00:51

There is one girl that I really would not like to lose contact with. The rest have all said nasty things/been unkind to me on the holiday so I think it's probably best to leave the friendships to die off on their own.
My best friend - who I've been friends with since I was 4 - seems to be the 'ringleader' in it all so I really have no intention of trying to sort it out with her. If it had been the other way round, I would have supported her. Not made the comments and acted the way that she did.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 25/08/2013 00:54

Classic jealousy on her part, I expect. You have had the temerity to develop an adult life before she did.

See the one that matters, then. You may find out quite a lot about this whole dynamic- such as, the others are being sheep or doing that "pecking to death" thing girls in a gang do, and don't even really mean it.

poppingin1 · 25/08/2013 00:57

When I was 16 and throughout my teens (mid twenties now), I had many friends who got pregnant. I would never have behaved in such an appalling manner toward any one of them.

It sounds to me like you are the mature one in the group because their behaviour sounds monumentally selfish and bratty.

There are special groups aimed at teen mothers for both before and after the birth, ask your midwife for some information on them.

Are they possibly jealous? Maybe not of the pregnancy itself but of the fact that you are moving in a more adult direction in your life and having a baby with a partner who I assume loves and cares for you.

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 01:00

I know, how dare I become a 'grown up' first Grin
I do just wonder if some of them are going along with it because they're scared of being 'thrown out' if they try to go against it. Me and DP are moving about 40 miles away from my home town next month anyway as it's closer to where we both work - I grew up in what is literally the middle of nowhere so I do think the friendships would have ended of their own accord, especially when everyone else goes off to university. Oh well, these things happen.
Definitely going to join up to some pregnancy groups this week and mum and baby groups when baby is here.

OP posts:
poppingin1 · 25/08/2013 01:04

If the ringleader is supposed to be your best friend and the one you have known the longest, I genuinely think from the sounds of things that my assumption was right and that she is feeling threatened by your new status as soon to be mother and fully fledged adult.

Maybe it is making her feel insecure about what she is doing with her own life. As you two are the closest, maybe it highlights to her her own inadequacies.

Your friends are all leaving a safe environment right now and venturing into scary adulthood. You might be approaching it so confidently that they feel envious and want to put you down because of it.

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 01:05

Possibly jealous, poppingin. A girl I was best friends with for a very long time seemed to go out of her way to try and make my life difficult when we went on holiday in July. Little things like trying to get me to carry the heaviest shopping bags, demanding that I clean up the apartment kitchen when I hadn't been using it to cook any food, shouting in my face and waking me up when they were all coming in at 4 am. Oh and the time when one of the girls got overly drunk and did a poo. On the bathroom floor. She tried to blame it on me the next day and tried to make me clean it up. Because everyone knows a side effect of pregnancy is shitting on the bathroom floor. Hmm

OP posts:
poppingin1 · 25/08/2013 01:08

Didn't see your reply there OP.

Yes, definitely look into the groups.

Moving away will probably be for the best so you can start without all the toxic energy around you.

I wish you luck in your impending motherhood Smile

Original poster
Holly94 · 25/08/2013 01:09

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 25/08/2013 01:10

God that holiday sounds rubbish. Getting drink? coming in at 4am? crapping on the floor? That is the kind of "fun" I could very happily wave goodbye to.

I think you will find that the friends you make as a new mother will be proper, supportive, grown ups, without the point scoring and status seeking crap that teenaged girls go in for.

I never liked most off the girls I was at school with. You have reminded me why.