to wish dh wouldn't boast about me/us?

[Hollibaloo]

I know he has good intentions of being complimentary about me and expressing his happiness about us but I feel like his 'boasting' alienates people. For example, if anyone we know is pregnant he'll go on about how much I still did when pregnant. If anyone's about to give birth he'll tell them how I did it pain relief free, was out in 5 hours. If anyone's breastfeeding and expecting their dp to help he'll say how he's never been disturbed at night. If anyone's got their mum over to help with kids he'll mention how I've never had any help, that he didn't even take paternity leave etc. He doesn't say these things in a nasty way, just in a 'recounting his experience' way but it ultimately leads to me getting daggers from whoever he's telling and I think it alienates us. AIBU to think he should stop telling everyone everything when they're going through things, only tell if specifically asked and in a more diplomatic less braggy way?

Sadly, this man will be expecting perfection from his children too as they grow up....

And we all know where that leads....

Hollibaloo you've had some shit on this thread. I get that you asked about one thing and are getting a lot of other comments. But, are you happy? You do seem to have a DH who puts his needs; sleep; sex; work; leisure above yours and your child's and any future child's needs. What about your need for; sleep; support; to BF which you want to; a co-parent. It's really sad.

I think the answer to my question if I were the OP would be clear.
Almost no one has anything remotely positive to say about this man on any thread about him - it would be ever more apparent to me that any normal friends we had were thinking of me only in pitying terms and the only people that didn't were the same kind of awful as he is.

That would be a mortifying realisation and a bitter pill to swallow if I had mugged myself into accepting disrespectful and shitty behaviour because he 'boasted' about me; or in real terms, fed me enough pap to mollify me.

Yes, I can't imagine feeling anything but sorrow and pity in the face of these comments. For the OP obviously, her H is a pathetic specimen and I would cringe anytime we had a date...not that we ever would because I'd steer well clear and DH is not a misogynistic cunt nugget so wouldn't pick him up as a friend anywhere. I think it's so, so sad the OP doesn't see how much better she deserves to be treated and how much of an improvement in fathering she should be demanding for her children .

Holli, just on the actual issue you've posted about, just because he's saying these things doesn't mean you have to either agree or go silent.

There are things you can say to defuse it a bit.

On the staying in bed for the last 2 months; 'Oh God, how awful. That must have been so boring/difficult for you. I'm bloody lucky that I got hit with that 3rd trimester energy.'

On the pain relief - I didn't have pain relief either, and if it comes up, I usually say 'I got so lucky, both with pain levels and length of time.' and 'sometimes I think that if it had hurt much more or gone on longer, I don't think I'd have been able to hold out. It was pretty grueling towards the end.'

On the sleeping through, smile and say; 'Heh, I'm not sure I remember it quite the same way!' or 'Yeah, but I'd dreading the next cold/teething.'

On breastfeeding; 'I got a latch really quickly and lucked out there...' or 'But do you remember those first couple of weeks getting it established though? That wasn't exactly a walk in the park.'

I think if you take the stand of 'we have been lucky' when listening to other people, then it's easier to remember the things to say that make you sound more human.

Sarah and others who asked - no I genuinely didn't.mind him not taking paternity leave. Baby generally slept and ate only in those first two weeks, having annual leave instead now she's older is much more useful IMO. Looking through the fog and others - I didn't/don't have it easy with everything - eldest didn't sleep through til 3.5, youngest still doesn't, one was back to back birth and extremely long painful labour. Was given terrible breastfeeding advice with eldest but luckily I ignored it and so on. I do 'play down' what he says by pointing this things out but he still continues to say them.

Again OP, I think you've missed the point of what most people are saying - it doesn't sound like your husband is bragging about how much you do, more like how little HE does. Was there a reason he didn't take paternity leave, for example? Work commitments maybe?

I'm really not trying to be rude, as I said, if it works for you then it's irrelevant what other people (including your friends) think.

He's not showing off about you though, he just sounds smug about his situation ie having a wife who expects nothing from him and who doesn't grumble about anything. I can't imagine any of the people who have to listen to his nonsense are in any way impressed - they'll be calling him a tosser, and wondering why you aren't doing the same.

He continues because he is extremely pleased with himself. What you think about your experiences and their meaning to others isn't relevant to the point he's making. I think people have got that right. He's saying 'get me, I picked the right wife for an easy life eh! Well, poor old you but, hey, look at me!'

Reading your OP makes me think that if DH and I were present at these conversations we'd go home feeling lucky not jealous - sorry!

DH frequently gets up at night esp as I'm pregnant again and having bad sleep as it is.

We do as much as we can for each other no one is expected to be the super hero.

He was running late from last week and asked me to keep DD up an extra 20mins so he could do her bath as he doesn't like missing it.

He wouldn't be impressed by a man who boasted about doing piss all to help with a new baby.

He's not only inconsiderate of you but clearly inconsiderate of others too.

pianodoodle Sat 24-Aug-13 22:45:52
"Reading your OP makes me think that if DH and I were present at these conversations we'd go home feeling lucky not jealous - sorry!"

This. A great deal of my pride in our joint parenting is about how dh and I are a team, how involved he is in the care of his children, how dc have always known they have two parents who are equally interested and equally able to look after them. Listening to your husband would be like listening to somebody bragging that he didn't pay his bills on time or had been sacked for incompetence; it wouldn't make me feel "ooh, I wish we were more like them".

Strange that he boasts about your breast feeding and how it enabled him to have undisturbed nights, yet he wants you to have another baby and formula feed rather than breast feed. Sounds a bit contradictory to me, unless he plans to boast about how despite having to sterilise bottles and prepare milk, you still did all the night feeds without troubling him.

He sounds like a dick tbh OP. He needs to rein it in, and really rein it in, or you'll be left friendless. Atm it's probably providing a bit of a laugh for your mates, but novelty will likely wear off after much longer.

Wow I have no idea why are people being so shitty to you OP you sound really lovely.
Your DH does sound a bit annoying but we can't all love our friends husbands can we?

Total ott reaction on here...

No, you're right Thisisaloooow I don't like any of my friend's husbands that treat my friends like shit and crow about doing it.

Luckily we know nice people and the few incoming cunts have not been a permanent feature. I think this is because my friends all help keep boundaries enforced and are encouraging and supportive - none of us get kicks from seeing another person 'kept in their place'. I suspect OP's friends think she's lovely, which is why they at her cock of a husband and it's only his friends that think he's talking anything but bilge.

Op maybe you need a code word like "mistletoe" from the Christmas film with Reese Witherspoon.

How embarrassing for you! My dp can sometimes be complimentary of me about things I would rather keep private, but I usually counter it with something self deprecating and he gets the hint.

I would die of embarrassment if he said the things your dh says!

Also why don't you get mad at him being lazy about helping out at night!

I don't understand!?

Why on earth would you not have pain relief during a long back to back labour? That's not something to boast about it's just a bit of an odd decision.

I have come across people like your DH and I just ignore them with the knowledge that they are highly naive. It is very easy to think that these things he is boasting about are a result of something you have done as a parent but having been on the other side of the coin I know it is not the case and therefore I would just ignore (as would my DH). Neither of us would feel that he was making you out to be amazing as we know that pregnancy, breastfeeding and labour are to some degree outside of parental control.

I have had very easy pregnancies, pretty much. And during the pregnancy with my DC3 worked up to 24 weeks, the day after which we emigrated to the other side of the world and I had to organise and facilitate everything associated with a new home, settling two DCs, and having another baby. Neither DH nor I would have thought it was anything to be proud of, simply by the grace of god it worked out ok and I wasn't too exhausted or ill to get through it.

Breastfeeding not so easy for me and it greatly saddens me that I haven't been able to bf and deal with all the DC's feeding myself - if someone boasted they were in that position I wouldn't consider it a boast - just think "well weren't you lucky" and ignore it. Having had a section and being unsupported in totally new location (and having previous PND) I was very vulnerable to PND and therefore DH has literally had to take his share of nights and looking after the baby and other 2 DC to ensure harmonious family living. Is not something I'm particularly proud of, but is not something either of us could have done anything about either. Tbh I am proud of the fact we've pulled together as a team - with 3 DC I think the only way to manage it is team work - with the best will in the world all my friends who have 3 only do manage if their DH is fully on board with practical help (or they have paid help). Neither DH nor I would boast about this though - we would just say honestly that 3 DC is bloody hard work and we have managed to get through to our baby reaching 11 weeks with a lot of luck!

My husband is proud of me even though I had a EMCS, mix fed, and needed loads of help post birth. And he is proud of taking 3 months paternity leave and doing loads at night. Funny how different people can be.