to wish dh wouldn't boast about me/us?

[Hollibaloo]

I know he has good intentions of being complimentary about me and expressing his happiness about us but I feel like his 'boasting' alienates people. For example, if anyone we know is pregnant he'll go on about how much I still did when pregnant. If anyone's about to give birth he'll tell them how I did it pain relief free, was out in 5 hours. If anyone's breastfeeding and expecting their dp to help he'll say how he's never been disturbed at night. If anyone's got their mum over to help with kids he'll mention how I've never had any help, that he didn't even take paternity leave etc. He doesn't say these things in a nasty way, just in a 'recounting his experience' way but it ultimately leads to me getting daggers from whoever he's telling and I think it alienates us. AIBU to think he should stop telling everyone everything when they're going through things, only tell if specifically asked and in a more diplomatic less braggy way?

I, too, read this as a stealth boast, OP. Sorry if I'm wrong, but it reads that way.

He has very poor social skills and is very self-centred.

If I was in your situation and wanted him to change, I'd have given him a 'basic conversational skills' talk long ago e.g. 'people like to be listened to and to get the impression you are sympathetic. They don't just want advice, or to hear about your experience straight away. Conversation is two way, so by all means contribute your experiences but think first about whether they are relevant and helpful and, you need to contribute equally to listening, too, otehrwise it's just two people talking at each other.'

I'd have emphasised the particular delicacy of baby-related topics and the need to think extra carefully before speaking.

Then, when it happens, I'd roll my own eyes and gently show him up, 'yes, DH really hasn't grasped that all pregnancies and babies are different, as we we've been so lucky so far. Of course he also hasn't had to grasp half the work it took even with our easy babies, as he was asleep or out at work most of the time!'.

If you don't look embarrassed, or apologise for him to your friends, they will think not only that he's a naive, lazy, poor father but that you are a total mug who he's conned into doing all the work with a bit of simple flattery.

So, if you did want him to change, you'd have done something about it. What have you done?

There is a long road ahead for you. Sooner or later you will have a hard time, and you won't be able to rely on his support. At the same time your own identity - as super capable - will be challenged.

Is your DH the breadwinner in true 1870s style, or is that up to you as well? If you become ill, what support will you have?

Surely all the friends are thinking exactly what puppet monkey said. I know I would be.

I thought this might be a reverse AIBU at first; the OP actually resenting her partner for not actually being much of a partner in terms of help. But now I agree that you probably quite like it OP. Sure you get that it bugs other people, but does it give you a bit of a glow?

FWIW he sounds like a bit of an arse and really ought to learn some better social graces. I bet if you left him to it one day and night he'd stop bragging as he'd realise the reality of having a baby; he sounds very shielded from that and kind of naïve.

You are not the woman who was on one born every minute in leeds were you? the water birth in the red two piece?

I'm sorry but telling people that he couldn't even be arsed to take paternity is not a boast. He is telling everyone he's a twat who puts you and his kids last.

I walked miles every single day right up until the day I went into labour, a week after he was due. If you are healthy there's no reason why you can't and my DH wouldn't even think to comment on it and would certainly never do it in a way that puts another woman down. Your friend's DH is an utter twat too though.

You should think carefully about what you are actually saying. What if when you have your next child you are bedridden with HG or SPD, have a C section and can't breastfeed. Would your DH be less proud of you? Would he tell everyone how disappointed he is?

I doubt very very much that anyone, anyone at all, is envious of you OP. In spite of what you or your husband might think

Weeeeellll, you're asking if you're being unreasonable to wish he wouldn't boast & you say you find it embarrassing but, to be fair - and this is an observation, I really don't mean it to sound unkind - you've defended him each time someone has disapproved of him and taking every opportunity to stealth boast throughout this thread. That's fine - this is an online forum with strangers. However, if this is how you both are with your friends ... well, I know what I'd be thinking.

Not really sure what you hope to get from this thread, OP. If you want his behaviour to stop, there's plenty of advice up thread about how to do it. Not sure if you do though.

For what it's worth, I know a handful of people who are lucky enough to have a truly idyllic relationship. One of the things that makes them such wonderful couples is the fact that they don't need to tell anyone that; it's evident from how they are.

Good luck.

Is the pain relief someone does or doesn't receive during labour the subject of a boast? Have you/he no real achievements to brag about?

He will have to find something else to brag about as the DC gets older.

I can understand a husband being proud of his wife's achievements but the things you mention are rather odd things to boast about, particularly as they don't paint him in a very good light as it seems he was quite able to do his share but just didn't bother and left it to you instead.

My husband was due to be taking 3 or 4 weeks paternity leave off when baby arrives by CS on Wednesday but is now having to only take 1 week because he has been offered a new job which he has to start on a specific date. Neither of us is proud that we'll get so little time together as a family, we're both upset about it but it will give us some stability financially so it's got to be done.

Your husband sounds a bit of an arse but I don't think it's fair that people on this thread are giving you stick about it

Yes, HoleyGhost and hamdangle make really good points. What is he going to be saying and you feeling when something goes wrong?

I'm afraid the main thought on your friends' minds, other than 'lazy, naive twat' will be anticipation of shadenfreude (sp?).

God help the pair of you if your next pregnancy/labour/childbirth/baby rearing is not as super as this one then eh!

Oh gawd, ive remembered encountering a dad like this when dc1 was a baby. I commented on 'how lucky' a friends baby was still getting breast fed in a cutchy cutch way, because i knew how traumatised she had been by breast feeding/ morherhood im general. He went on and on and on about how it wasn't lucky, that's how it should be, everyone should do extended breast feeding, his girlfriend did it for 2 years, blah blah blah

i punched him in the nose

(no i didn't, that last bit was pure fantasy

The stealthiest of stealth boast threads.

I think you are pretending to be embarrassed but you actually love it. You're positively bursting with 'examples' too on this thread!

Not exactly hiding your light under a bushel OP !

Not needing pain relief and breastfeeding and whatever else are just lucky, random rolls of mother nature's dice, not personal achievements! And also mothering is not a competition for best mug!

I think I used to work with your DH

Is this the bloke who doesn't want you to Breastfeed so he can get laid more?

You both sound like a couple I would stay very far away from. There's nothing that annoys me more than smug, competitive parenting.

That sounds more than a bit annoying. I suppose it's better than complaining about everything. That could be worse. And plenty of men seem to do this.

That's right famzilla, the op who didn't like her husbands arrogant attitude that his sexual needs should come before baby's feeding routine.

He is clearly a prince among men!

I did the giving birth (at home, BTW) with no pain relief, bf 5 kids and didn't have any help from outside. My DH worked very long and unsocial hours so wasn't around much, but he did help when he was there - I had more DCs than you so I think that's fair.

It's nothing to boast about, actually. Partly luck, births and breastfeeding worked well for me. Partly circumstances - DH worked in the kind of job which meant that he was working early in the morning and late at night sometimes, too.

I think that my DH actually wanted to be a father though, rather than just a man who had kids.

I just read your OP to him and asked him what he thought. He said, and I quote, "He's a completely selfish bastard". So there you go.

Oh right. That rings a bell Monty. I wonder if he boasts about that?

I have "friends" like you. Except they're not friends. They're people I know who think we are friends.

Their conversations are similar, about how amazing everything they've ever done is.

Trust me, it's dull. It's really dull.

The woman isn't as openly boastful as the man and he is true and absolute crushing bore.

The tips you've been given here are spot on.

In the years to come, don't worry, if things don't change, your husband will still find things to boast about. The latest one from the "friends" I know is " look at my son! He's nearly 6 foot tall". Well, yes, isn't that marvellous that you got tall genes in your family. Isn't that an achievement? Wtf?

They have successfully alienated themselves from everybody. Everybody knows them as show offs and cringing boring dull entitled arses. They don't get invited anywhere and their only company is themselves. What's worse is that your children will start behaving the same way too.

I am sorry to have a rant but every word I said is true.