To find this behaviour annoying and martyr like.

[stressedsister1]

My sister and I have been under a lot of strain recently.

She has mild learning difficulties and much of her behaviour I find very selfish, which I think is a combination of both the learning difficulties and her personality (I have an uncle who is very similar)

She always puts herself first, and will never go out of her way to do anything else for somebody unless it benefits her. Recently I have told her how upset I am by her selfish behaviour.

Her response to this has been acting so selfless, it actually comes across in my (probably unreasonable) opinion as acting like a martyr.

e.g. When she was sitting with the paper, I asked how long she would be. I would consider a typical answer "Don't worry, I'll only be 5 minutes" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't finished, but here, you can have it."

e.g. She was standing next to the bath in her towel (with the door open, don't ask me why!) It wasn't clear if she was about to get in, or had just gotten out, so I asked her. I would consider a typical answer "Sorry, I'm just about to get in, I'll be as quick as I can" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't had a bath yet, but you can go first."

I find this behaviour really annoying and martyr like.

When she says these things, it actually makes me feel bad and guilty, when I didn't intentionally do anything wrong. I am trying my best to get on with her, but she just makes me feel bad, as if I was taking advantage of her.

I don't think she is trying to upset me on purpose, actually I think she is trying to take on board what I said about her being selfish, and actually trying to make me happier. She is just going about it in a way that inadvertently upsets me.

Maybe the next time she starts insisting on you reading her paper or taking her bathroom time, you could gently say "It's very kind of you to offer and shows that you are thinking of others, but please don't insist as I would rather wait for you to finish first. It's your turn for X at the moment, I just wanted a rough idea of when my turn would be."

Something like that maybe? If she keeps insisting, maybe say that it would make you feel bad to take her turn. She sounds as if she desperately wants to please you and doesn't understand how she keeps getting it "wrong".

You are too emotionally invested in your sister. Your last post shows that, in my opinion. Your life shouldn't be about her so much. Go out and make a life of your own with more in it than her and all of a sudden you'll find her less annoying. Because she won't be so central in your life.

It's lovely and very normal for you to want her to be happy. But you want her happiness to be YOUR definition of what happy means, what YOU think will make her happy. If you keep making yourself responsible for her feelings and actions, and trying to micromanage her, paradoxically you are preventing her from finding her own unique route to happiness.

A group, or counselling, would be a very good idea. You don't need your parents's permission, knowledge or indeed, approval to seek these out. Your happiness matters too, and you cannot make yourself happy by trying to make your sister happy. In a way, it's very dysfunctional, as you are making her responsible for your happiness - like you canonly be happy if she is - instead of looking out for your own needs and feelings.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel frustrated, angry, annoyed or fed up with your sister simply because she has a LD. I don't think bottling up your feelings helps either. Have you thought about seeking out some sort of counselling where you could vent your frustrations without feeling judged?

You have to understand that within my family, saying I feel upset and frustrated by her behaviour is not acceptable. I am told that I am intolerant and nasty by the rest of my family, and as a result, I normally bottle up my feeling to avoid them saying this. I don't know if the rest of my family are genuinely more accepting, but when they tell me I just need to "get over it" it makes me feel unreasonable for having normal feelings.

I really disagree with saying that the OP is 'disproportionately' angry or talking about her sister being 'selfish' as if it's it's not possible. It invalidates her feelings and infantilises her sister.

The same way that my family have invalidated my feelings and infantilised my sister.

What I mean is. I have DD and DP and a job and my friends and hobbies like my beading and my knitting and so much else in my life that if he behaves like a prat then it's a minor annoyance on the fringes of my life. He's not my be all and end all. So I don't get disproportionately upset.

I can't explain it very well, but my advice to you is to step away. Do things separately. Don't be with her so much. That will give you a sense of perspective.

All of the above arethe fault of your parents, not your sister. THEY have created that dynamic, not her SNs. They have failed you all. Her changing overnight and being really happy woul pd not be able to cure you of your own resentment, worry and feeling banned and bad for having certain emotions.

I think therapy would really help you. You obviously want to explore emotions and so on, and the family dynamic sounds dynamic and not fair on you. Such a childhood does not heal within you as an adult on its own.

Stressed sister - dont tell your family. Find somewhere else to vent. Because she is their daughter too. And they have guilt and all the FOG going on - you're criticising them if you vent to them, because they reared her and feel responsible for her.

I agree with oxfordbags.

Btw, it's easier to be angry with her and want her to change, than to be angry with the real people who upset you and need to change - your parents -isn't it... ?

Spotty, I assume you no longer live with your brother.

Did you find moving out made a big difference?

I think part of the reason I am upset is because I constantly have to put up with the behaviour all the time, because we live together.

Yes a group, or counselling. You're an adult and don't need permission from your family to attend one. That link I gave above looks very good. Use it as a starting place to find your own support and to start disentangling yourself from your sister.

As she's at university she is clearly going to be expected to live an independent adult life (by social services I mean). It is quite possible that she will continue to make bad choices throughout her life - you have to start to realise now that is NOT your responsibility.

Go and find yourself some support.

You have to pu up with it because of your parents and the family dynamic, not her.

OP, I don't think you'll be able to actually get passed this until you get some distance between you both and your family and get you some breathing room.

I understand you want to help your sister, you don't want to see her self-destruct over that bloke but that's completely contradictory to you wanting her to be an adult. As adults you ave to take responsibility for yourself and mistakes you make. By protecting her from them you don't le her do that. You need to to let her make these mistakes, tell her how you feel and if things go up you need to be honest with her and not say 'i told you so' but explain that you saw it coming and why-i.e. her repeated behaviour.

You've told her about her behaviour now and she's trying to amend that. You could try sitting down with her, being completely honest and letting her be honest back- you might find from her perspective she highlights issues about you that you also need to work on. If she throws tantrums then suggest that you both write things down and exchange letters.

As for your family, it sounds like counselling may help here. LD or not, she can't grow as a person if she's not encouraged to take responsibility. Your parents likely don't want to think on that because they should have done it long ago and fucked up there- much like the 'baby of the family' syndrome, allowing the baby to get away with anything and everything and excusing.

You really need to get distance though OP, for yourself and for her. Can you think of moving into your own place?

You are still thinking of her as a child. There was a long thread on here about people who had parties where no one turned up! Lots of peoples friends and family members get into relationships which are damaging for them.

And look around you, lots of people have bigoted and prejudice views

you are not responsible for her behaviour or happiness. You have no rights to criticise her personality, juust because she issnt NT.

dontt sociise with her. Concentrate on getting happy. Are you happy with other aspects of your life? Job? Friends? Relationship?

Yes agree with OxfordBags.

I would find a group, but tbh I would seek out individual counselling as well. It sounds as if you have grown up with an unhealthy family dynamic (I say that as a parent who is juggling a disabled child and siblings & trying to meet all their needs- so I know it's not easy) & will need help working out an appropriate relationship with your sister. You sound far too responsible for her. You are not responsible for her happiness or wellbeing - despite her disability she is responsible to some degree for that, along with your parents. You cannot magic her happy however much your parents have expected you to (by keeping quiet and not doing what you have wanted if it might upset her). Counselling will help you unpick all this and get on with living your life.

I am definitely going to look into the counselling.

As for the sibling group, I'm not sure. I almost feel because my sister's needs are nowhere near as severe as many people's, nobody would take me seriously. Also because although she has an official diagnosis with traits of various conditions, she doesn't actually meet the criteria for a specific condition. Which makes it harder to explain.

I can't just say, "Hi I'm stressedsister1 and I have a younger sister with X" Because what she has doesn't really have a name.

Morning - I mean to say last night, I think you should get this moved to the Special Needs topic, AIBU really isn't the place for it. If you click on 'report this post' next to your opening bit and ask MN to move it for you, they will.

I really wish I knew you IRL. You need a hug, you need someone to care about you, you need someone you can offload to without being made to feel guilty. If you don't have a friend who you you can do this with, then I think you need to find a counsellor who you can talk to.

As I have said from the beginning, the problem is your parents & the way they have built up this family dynamic (and wont accept help or advice).

You are very young yourself, your parents are still around (& hopefully will be for a very long time) - so whilst you clearly love your sister and want the best for her, you need to think of yourself as well (clearly they aren't). I think you need to find a way to move out - irrespective of what you are doing - studying/working you should be able to afford somewhere - even if it's just a room in a 'lodgings' place for now. Not ideal, not every young girls dream admittedly - but freedom from this dynamic. There is nothing to then stop you spending as much time with your sister as you want, but if you aren't 'under your parents roof' you can be more yourself with her and you have somewhere else to escape to. Stop saying you can't - and work out how to.

What is your relationship like with your other sister? How does she cope?

Well I don't suppose groups particularly care about that.

Not all groups are helpful - ime you need to really seek out people in a similar situation to you, & group make-up can be a bit random but this page www.sibs.org.uk/adult-siblings has good general advice, and there's nothing to stop you seeking online forums as a first step (perhaps even try starting a thread on here for siblings).

Stressed sister - I don't live with him now. I did until I went to Uni and for 3-4 years after Uni.

Look. So she said some stuff in front of LBGT friends that wasn't appropriate. Loads of people do that. Not just because of additional needs. So she was a prat. That is her being a prat. It doesn't reflect badly on you. If she's a prat either because she's a prat or because her difficulties make her seem like a prat - she's a prat. It's not a reflection on you.

I've out that really badly and I'm not suggesting all people with additional needs are parts at all.

I really disagree with saying that the OP is 'disproportionately' angry or talking about her sister being 'selfish' as if it's it's not possible. It invalidates her feelings and infantilises her sister.

Actually, i'd disagree. Being really angry and hurt about her DS being martyrish over the newspaper and bath is a bit disproportionate. I'm not invalidating her feelings. I am pointing out that they a rooted in much bigger issues. OP herself says that:

The same way that my family have invalidated my feelings and infantilised my sister

And recognises that the infantalisation of her sister by her family has been detrimental to her well being.

OP it's a massive shame that your didn't get the change to go to any sibs groups when you were younger. Stoic families often think they are doing the right thing but it hasn't given you the acknowledgement you have needed.

I visited a sibs group once and there was a big display on the wall. The young people had written things like ' i like this group because it gives me a change to get away from my brother for a while' and 'I like this group because the other people understand what it is like to have an autistic sister etc'

So these ^^ children have had a chance to be socialised to feel that it is 'o.k' to be able to have a rant, be fed up, get away from it all for a bit. You haven't had that and you are kind of stuck with it in your own hands now in a toxic family dynamic.

And yes, you are right, it is like the addict/alcoholic thing. It doesn't really matter what the family members presenting issue is, if for whatever reason we have beome locked into becoming the problem solver and rescuer, it is the same pattern of behaviours we have to un pick and work out.

Ah..i feel loads more compassion for you than i did when i first read this thread OP. I really hope you can work things through and start feeling better. will you let us know how you are getting on?

These are for you OP

What I'm trying to illustrate is. If my NT brother goes out and gets plastered and vomits on someone. That's not my problem. If he goes out and acts in appropriately commenting or acting like a prat - that's not my problem either.

Just because its my brother with additional needs doing inappropriate things, doesn't make it any more my problem.

Do you see what I mean?

And tbh I'm not sure severity of the condition is an issue as such for siblings. My son's autism is very severe & I would be bonkers to think it hasn't affected his siblings at all, but we have always worked very hard to ensure a) that ds1's wish to control doesn't extend to siblings - he's simply not allowed to control them and never has been and b) that siblings have their own space to develop their own interests & their own time away & their own moments when their needs are prioritised. So it may be that despite my son being more severely affected by his condition than your sister, his siblings may have been less affected. How a condition affects siblings will depend a lot on family dynamics rather than the actual condition.

As for the sibling group, I'm not sure. I almost feel because my sister's needs are nowhere near as severe as many people's, nobody would take me seriously. Also because although she has an official diagnosis with traits of various conditions, she doesn't actually meet the criteria for a specific condition. Which makes it harder to explain

To be honest? At this point i'd give that a miss and focus on yourself for a bit.

have another

Look. So she said some stuff in front of LBGT friends that wasn't appropriate. Loads of people do that. Not just because of additional needs. So she was a prat. That is her being a prat. It doesn't reflect badly on you. If she's a prat either because she's a prat or because her difficulties make her seem like a prat - she's a prat. It's not a reflection on you.

But, I don't want her to act like that. It upsets me and it upsets other people. When I intervene, it upsets her too.

But her behaviour isn't because she's a prat, it's because she repeats what she hears. She didn't realise it was offensive. She probably heard someone else say something similar, so thought it was normal to say.

To be a prat I think you have to intentionally want to hurt people. She didn't want to hurt anyone, she just didn't realise why what she was saying was offensive.