To find this behaviour annoying and martyr like.

[stressedsister1]

My sister and I have been under a lot of strain recently.

She has mild learning difficulties and much of her behaviour I find very selfish, which I think is a combination of both the learning difficulties and her personality (I have an uncle who is very similar)

She always puts herself first, and will never go out of her way to do anything else for somebody unless it benefits her. Recently I have told her how upset I am by her selfish behaviour.

Her response to this has been acting so selfless, it actually comes across in my (probably unreasonable) opinion as acting like a martyr.

e.g. When she was sitting with the paper, I asked how long she would be. I would consider a typical answer "Don't worry, I'll only be 5 minutes" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't finished, but here, you can have it."

e.g. She was standing next to the bath in her towel (with the door open, don't ask me why!) It wasn't clear if she was about to get in, or had just gotten out, so I asked her. I would consider a typical answer "Sorry, I'm just about to get in, I'll be as quick as I can" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't had a bath yet, but you can go first."

I find this behaviour really annoying and martyr like.

When she says these things, it actually makes me feel bad and guilty, when I didn't intentionally do anything wrong. I am trying my best to get on with her, but she just makes me feel bad, as if I was taking advantage of her.

I don't think she is trying to upset me on purpose, actually I think she is trying to take on board what I said about her being selfish, and actually trying to make me happier. She is just going about it in a way that inadvertently upsets me.

Feeling guilty for being NT has got nothing to do with wishing you had similar problems. Your answers reveal a lack of self-awareness, and insight into how others think and feel too. Your bitterness towards her just oozes out of your comments.

Boomba, if you read the post I linked to, you would maybe have a small insight into why her behaviour is so selfish and upsets me so much.

I don't want to post the entire thing again, so I will post the link again.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1831117-To-not-want-my-sister-to-be-friends-with-him

Why should I feel guilty for being NT Oxford?

Whats wrong with it?

It's late, I'm tired and I'm angry. And what I really need right now is a bit of support, even if I am being unreasonable

It isn't easy living with someone with learning difficulties.
It isn't easy living with adult siblings.
It isn't easy living with your parents (when you are an adult).

... all three things together... very hard at times.

I expect you are fed up to your back teeth of making allowances for your sister & feel annoyed/hard done by.

It's understandable.

Sadly, the fact of the matter is that she does have LD and what seems obvious to you (and the rest of your family) does not seem obvious to her (or even many of us). You told her she was acting selfishly so she is doing her best not to, it really isn't her fault that the way she is going about it is annoying you too.

I would have done/said the same things as her, especially if you had told me I had been acting selfishly - and I don't have LD.

Can you get a flat with some friends? Uni halls or live-in job?

Ah, x-post!

BINGO! So I hit the nail on the head - you were, and remain, resentful that whatever she does or says, she 'gets away with' (my quotemarks, not yours), and your feelings and needs didn't matter if she hurt them. You were made to feel... Say it with me now!... guilty if you were annoyed, upset, whatever. Guilty if you expected normal, decent treatment from her. And now she is trying to treat you in a normal, decent way and you feel guilty. Can you really not see all this? This is not about her, this is about you. Because things have never been allowed to be about you, and that is not fair. But again, that was your parents fault. They failed you. You can't hold her responsible for your parents not allowing or respecting understandable child's reactions to her behaviour.

PS In the above, I am not using the word normal to indicate non-SN.

I don't know.

I just want to explain to her in a way that she will understand but won't get upset, that her behaviour made me feel uncomfortable and guilty, even though she didn't intend it to.

And I would prefer her not to do it again.

Honestly it made me feel horrible. Maybe it shouldn't have, but whilst I can control my behaviour, I cannot control my emotions.

Sometimes I want to shout and scream at her, when her behaviour upsets me. Instead I go to my room and cry so I don't upset her. I can control my behaviour, but I can't control my emotions.

Oh, and I was not saying you should feel guilty. Asking if you feel guilty does not infer that you should. You are inferring negative meaning from an innocent question, just the way you did with your sister.

I actually want you to see that you shouldn't feel any negative things.

It sounds like your parents haven't handled the sibling dynamics very well over the years and it has made you very resentful of your sister.

Sweetheart, if you can't control your emotions, and you're NT, why are you expecting her to be able to control herself?

Perhaps her finally trying to be selfless triggered off some buried pain around always being expected to take shit off her?

But am I unreasonable to ask her not to do that because it upsets me?

If I don't I will just get upset every time she does it.

It is hard for us, because we don't know your sister or what her LD are exactly, but none of the people I know with LD would 'get it'. They would all see it much more black/white. 'You said I was being selfish - so I let you go first' - no guilt trip, no malice just trying their best to do what you have asked of them - even if it's not what you meant or thought you'd asked.

As much as it must be very very hard to be a sibiling of a child with special needs, it has to be harder to be that sibling - don't you think?

Your parents have created this shitty dynamic where you feel guilty for trying to get your own needs met if it upsets your sister. It's not healthy.

It is your parents you need to stand up to, not your sister.

I have read your other thread now OP...i understand your worry for her, but she is an adult. You cant control her life/relationships

your relationship with your sister sounds very much like a codependent relationship such as you would have with an addict/alcoholic

We can't control other people, only our reactions to them.

It seems like you have some work to do.

Your sister must be confused.

As much as it must be very very hard to be a sibiling of a child with special needs, it has to be harder to be that sibling - don't you think?

Hmm, yes and no.

Yes because she has problems especially socially, which I know upset her (nobody showed up to her most recent birthday party)

No because at home, she gets all the attention she needs and can do no wrong. Whereas I don't feel I get enough attention, and am made to feel guilty for being upset by the way she behaves.

There are two points there.

Only you know if she is actually able to understand that. It is only reasonable to ask if you think she will get it or else you just have to learn to re-phrase your questions/requests. So 'Can you please give me the paper when you have finshed with it' & 'Shall I put the immersion heater on as I would like to have a bath after you'.

Secondly - perhaphs look at why you are getting upset about it. I think it's because you feel you have said she is selfish, so now she is going out of her way to not be selfish and you feel responsible for her not getting what she wants - her getting what she wants is the norm in your family and it's uncomfortable for you to have created a sitution where that isn't the case.

your relationship with your sister sounds very much like a codependent relationship such as you would have with an addict/alcoholic

Yes, sometimes it feels like that. The problem is that people have a lot more empathy for someone who cares for an addict/alcoholic. Their problems are more obvious.

Whereas my sister hides some of her problems e.g. meltdowns from the outside, so people do not realise how difficult it is to live with her sometimes.

But don't you think she knows that she gets her own way at home and is 'she who must not be upset' because she has SN. That has to feel pretty shit doesn't it?

But don't you think she knows that she gets her own way at home and is 'she who must not be upset' because she has SN. That has to feel pretty shit doesn't it?

I don't know.

Sometimes I'm up half the night crying because I'm so upset by her behaviour but I'm not allowed to express my upset/disappointment/anger, because it will upset her, and she will have a meltdown.

She has no idea.

She would feel pretty shit if she found out.

I really think you need to not live with her for a while. You need to look after yourself. It sounds like your mental health is suffering and your relationship with your sister is unhealthy.

can you go to GP and get some support?

I really do feel for you.

You seem to be bearing the brunt of all of it and taking an awful lot of responsibility for your sister which your parents, if anyone, should be taking.

Maybe you should make your parents aware of the situation then stand back a bit?

Your parents really have failed all of you - they have fostered a very unhealthy dynamic in your house :(

Could you look at flatting with friends?

Do you have anyone outside the family who is 'on your side'. To bitch to, moan to, who doesn't judge?

Do you have anyone outside the family who is 'on your side'. To bitch to, moan to, who doesn't judge?

No, but I talk to the Samaritans sometimes, and I'm thinking about counselling.

I'm not really in a position financially to rent right now, even in a shared flat.

I'm really sorry, but I have to go to bed. I've had no sleep for night after night this week, it will take me a good hour to get to sleep when I go to bed and I will wake up at 5.30 irrespective of when I get to sleep!

Try to get some sleep OK.

Maybe talk to you tomorrow?

What about a live-in job?

I think moving out needs to be a priority. In the mean time, can you distance yourself as much as possible and really concentrate on yourself?

are you working?