Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

To find this behaviour annoying and martyr like.

216 replies

stressedsister1 · 23/08/2013 22:42

My sister and I have been under a lot of strain recently.

She has mild learning difficulties and much of her behaviour I find very selfish, which I think is a combination of both the learning difficulties and her personality (I have an uncle who is very similar)

She always puts herself first, and will never go out of her way to do anything else for somebody unless it benefits her. Recently I have told her how upset I am by her selfish behaviour.

Her response to this has been acting so selfless, it actually comes across in my (probably unreasonable) opinion as acting like a martyr.

e.g. When she was sitting with the paper, I asked how long she would be. I would consider a typical answer "Don't worry, I'll only be 5 minutes" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't finished, but here, you can have it."

e.g. She was standing next to the bath in her towel (with the door open, don't ask me why!) It wasn't clear if she was about to get in, or had just gotten out, so I asked her. I would consider a typical answer "Sorry, I'm just about to get in, I'll be as quick as I can" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't had a bath yet, but you can go first."

I find this behaviour really annoying and martyr like.

When she says these things, it actually makes me feel bad and guilty, when I didn't intentionally do anything wrong. I am trying my best to get on with her, but she just makes me feel bad, as if I was taking advantage of her.

I don't think she is trying to upset me on purpose, actually I think she is trying to take on board what I said about her being selfish, and actually trying to make me happier. She is just going about it in a way that inadvertently upsets me.

OP posts:

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:00

Her behaviours are her behaviours. Why on earth is it her responsibility to make you happy with her behaviour? Are you in charge?

saintlyjimjams · 24/08/2013 09:00

And yes to OxfordBags. I count that as the best bit of advice I was given concerning my then very young severely autistic child. 'It's okay for him to feel upset, everyone feels upset at some stage, there is nothing wrong with that'. It means he has learned that the world doesn't revolve around him all the time, severe autism or not.

However, he's still severely autistic and still behave inappropriately in public some times. That's who he is, and anyone who can't accept that isn't particularly welcome around him.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 24/08/2013 09:01

stressedsister you sound like you are a real cheerleader for you Dsis and you love her very much. I do honestly think you need to get some perspective for yourself first.

I do love her very much.

I think people here find that hard to understand I'm not sure why.

If I didn't love her, I wouldn't care if she was upset.

But I care so much, so I obviously love her a lot.

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 24/08/2013 09:03

Why would you expect her not to be upset if no-one cane to her birthday party? I'd be upset.

Oh and while you might not be her main carer, that doesn't mean you aren't one...siblings almost by default end up in a caring role, that's why there are groups for children who have siblings with disabilities and groups for young carers.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:03

Also yes to what saintly and Oxford said. In my experience children need to learn to be upset. That's what tantrums are about. But eventually they learn to handle their emotions and behaviours. Let your sister learn.

ccsays · 24/08/2013 09:03

I work with people with learning disabilities and I think people in this thread are being very, very hard on you

I enjoy working with my service users on the whole, but they can also be selfish, unreasonable and frustrating to the point where you could scream. People outside this field often seem to view people with LD's as a) people to be bodyswerved and to avoid eye contact with lest, heaven forbid, they try and talk to you or b) special snowflakes who can do no wrong and certainly aren't capable of being manipulative. There doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground where people see them as actual human beings.

I believe you when you say your sister displays martyr like behaviour and I don't really get why people on here expect you to have an infinite amount of patience and not to voice your feelings of frustration Are you being a bit unreasonable? Yeah, probably. But the drip, drip effect of little niggly behaviours can do that to you. Try not to be to hard on yourself and at the same times think of ways you could handle things that can make you both happier. Maybe stay at a friends house for a few nights for some respite?

I think that people in this thread should lay off you though, unless you spend large periods of time around someone with a learning disability, you really don't know how frustrating it can be.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:04

Just because you care for and love your sister doesn't make your way right and hers wrong.

My mother loves me. Doesn't mean I do as I'm told by her. I'm an adult and I make my own mind up. Let your sister do the same.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 24/08/2013 09:04

Her behaviours are her behaviours. Why on earth is it her responsibility to make you happy with her behaviour? Are you in charge?

No, but it hurts horribly to see her unhappy, and as her sister I see how her actions and behaviour affect her happiness.

Even if I know I can't change her, am I really that horrible for wanting her to act in a way that would make her, me and our whole family happier.

OP posts:

maddening · 24/08/2013 09:05

Do you live together?

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:05

Ccsays - sorry if I didn't make it clear. My youngest brother has additional needs.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:06

Why does she have to make you happy?

saintlyjimjams · 24/08/2013 09:06

ccsays - I spend 24/7 with someone with a learning disability. The OP is being unreasonable, needs to lay off her sister, recognise she's not in charge of her, or responsible for her and get on with living her own life.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:07

What saintlyjimjams said.

I don't live with my brother now, but I do care for him from time to time. And I did grow up with him. And I was the older sister.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 24/08/2013 09:08

Why does she have to make you happy?

Spotty, you don't want anyone you love to be happy?

I want her to be happy. I hope that she wants me to be happy.

OP posts:

ccsays · 24/08/2013 09:08

I don't think it's about making her happy spotty, it's about wanting her sister to act more considerately, which isn't an unreasonable way to feel and certainly doesn't make you a horrible person OP.

catinabox · 24/08/2013 09:09

I am also picking up that youu feel invalidated and unacknowledged. Perhaps the feeling that she is 'selfish' is rooted in the deeper issue that her LD has been a focus for the family and you feel pushed to one side? You are clearly very disproportionately angry with her.

That is fine but as long as you choose to stay angry and push her to change you will stay unhappy.

don't know how old you are but am assuming you are an adult. All those childish emotions need to be put where they belong (in the fossil pile) so you can get on with your life.

Being happy and finding adult ways to deal with things is not a sign that you have lost this complicated battle you appear to be fighting.

If you break out from it it doesn't mean that you won't have a role in your family any more.

It just means you will have a different role to play, and i'd hazard a very good guess that your friendships and relationships outside your family would have more rroom to develop. Which is exactly what ought to be happening for you as a young adult.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:12

You want her to be what you want her to be so that you are happy.

Can't you see how unfair that is? You want her to be NT and "normal" and this is the way of the years of frustration coming out, is my bet. She isn't. She is what she is. Like it or lump it. And if you can't lump it enough to coexist relatively happily then your best option is to move.

You can't change her. She can't and won't be what someone else wants her to be. Why should she? I wouldn't. And she has to learn how to behave and feel for herself. It's not down to the OP - my brother would tell me "you're not the boss of me"

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 24/08/2013 09:12

I know about these groups now, but didn't as a child, when they would probably have helped alot, and helped me to manage the way I feel and accept her behaviour. Unfortunately my parents are very stoic and very much of the "we'll cope with it together as a family, we don't need support from a group" variety.

OP posts:

ccsays · 24/08/2013 09:14

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel frustrated, angry, annoyed or fed up with your sister simply because she has a LD. I don't think bottling up your feelings helps either. Have you thought about seeking out some sort of counselling where you could vent your frustrations without feeling judged?

I really disagree with saying that the OP is 'disproportionately' angry or talking about her sister being 'selfish' as if it's it's not possible. It invalidates her feelings and infantilises her sister.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:14

Can I recommend you go and find a group and talk to someone about how you feel? Because at some point your parents won't be here anymore and if you haven't sorted out in your head what your role is wrt your sister, and if you're not happy in your own head with that role, then things will be dreadful for both of you.

saintlyjimjams · 24/08/2013 09:14

So seek out some support now, there must be online groups. This looks a good place to start. www.sibs.org.uk/

You need to stop focussing on changing your sister and start working on why you are unhappy - changing the one thing you can change - yourself.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:15

I mean - whatever that role is. Not that you will by default be her carer. But you need to determine what your role will be.

Original poster

stressedsister1 · 24/08/2013 09:15

Spotty, does your brother do things that emotionally hurt you?

It is really really tough trying to accept the behaviour which in anyone else would be unacceptable.

It is a bit like what someone was saying before about so-dependency and addicts. Carers of addicts are constantly emotionally hurt when their loved ones will do things like steal their money to take drugs, and then get very ill as a result. In a similar way, when my sister behaves in a way that affects her well-being, that hurts me too.

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 24/08/2013 09:18

I wouldn't expect you to know about groups for children while you were a child :)

What they do though is to create a safe space to be able to go - I love my sibling, but they're also hard to live with and give children time to just be themselves without having to consider other people's needs.

That's what I think you need, which is why I think it would be a good idea to look for someone you can talk to about it.

Spottypurse · 24/08/2013 09:18

Do you mean things like telling my friend he didn't like her dress and she looked fat? Do you mean things like not being supportive when I would like him to be? Yes he does that. But. It's not up to me to change him. He is what he is. I shrug. I don't take it personally. Maybe that makes me hard hearted. But I don't think so. I accept him as he is, flaws and all. You aren't there yet with your sister.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread