To find this behaviour annoying and martyr like.

[stressedsister1]

My sister and I have been under a lot of strain recently.

She has mild learning difficulties and much of her behaviour I find very selfish, which I think is a combination of both the learning difficulties and her personality (I have an uncle who is very similar)

She always puts herself first, and will never go out of her way to do anything else for somebody unless it benefits her. Recently I have told her how upset I am by her selfish behaviour.

Her response to this has been acting so selfless, it actually comes across in my (probably unreasonable) opinion as acting like a martyr.

e.g. When she was sitting with the paper, I asked how long she would be. I would consider a typical answer "Don't worry, I'll only be 5 minutes" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't finished, but here, you can have it."

e.g. She was standing next to the bath in her towel (with the door open, don't ask me why!) It wasn't clear if she was about to get in, or had just gotten out, so I asked her. I would consider a typical answer "Sorry, I'm just about to get in, I'll be as quick as I can" or something similar. Her response is "I haven't had a bath yet, but you can go first."

I find this behaviour really annoying and martyr like.

When she says these things, it actually makes me feel bad and guilty, when I didn't intentionally do anything wrong. I am trying my best to get on with her, but she just makes me feel bad, as if I was taking advantage of her.

I don't think she is trying to upset me on purpose, actually I think she is trying to take on board what I said about her being selfish, and actually trying to make me happier. She is just going about it in a way that inadvertently upsets me.

Gosh OP, she can't do right for doing wrong can she?

You asked her to change her behaviour and she has. I think it would be very unfair to ask her to change her behaviour again. As my step mum says, it ain't the rest of the army that's out of line.

I appreciate that things sound difficult but perhaps the issue is not with your sister, but with how you approach and deal with your sister. Expecting certain rigid responses from her seems a little odd to me, and a sure fire way for her to be 'wrong' because she can't second guess the precise response you're after.

I understand what you mean re. the paper and bath. My mother is always doing things like that, and while it's not designed to make others feel bad (more to make herself feel like a saint), it has that effect.

For example when I was still living with her if I suggested we got takeaway or said I'd make something, not realizing she'd already started dinner, she'd immediately say something like "oh I've already started cooking but if that's what you want of course we'll have that instead". I'd of course say no, don't be silly, but she wouldn't let it go, would force the issue, make it a big thing and almost get into a fight about it if I didn't relent. Or one time I said in passing that I hated the light from streetlights outside my room at night. She made me switch rooms with her, wouldn't take no for an answer. I felt so terrible, that hadn't been my intention at all. That's obviously an extreme example, but everyday there were little things like that, and it made me so careful about what I said around her. Even something as simple as looking in the fridge and asking if she needed all the eggs for something or if I could use some would result in a big back and forth.

'well I was going to make meringues, but you should use them'
'no that's fine, I found some cereal anyway'
'no really, you use them'
'it's ok, i'm happy with cereal'
'i'll make them for you'
'don't worry about it, cereal's fine, really'
'but you want eggs so you should have them'
'I really don't even want them now'
...
'here's your eggs'

Drove me nuts. Not so much the initial offer, but the way she would become fixated on it and not take no for an answer. It's nice to offer someone something, but if they say they're happy to wait, or not to worry about it, that isn't a cue to try and force them to take it. It makes the other person feel bad, and often the little 'argument' turns them right off whatever it was anyway, so it's not even doing them a favour. I'm sure you didn't enjoy the paper or the bath!

I think YANBU for finding this frustrating. I do think your sister is trying, although I think she's trying to seem nice and generous, rather than be nice and generous iyswim, which isn't ideal, but it's still better than being selfish. If she was selfish before chances are she won't be able to keep this up for long anyway, so I'd just let it run it's course.

Tbh op..I think you are a martyr for living with someone you dont like just because of money. She has been trying and your still not gappy. Give ger a break.

Happy

Drove me nuts. Not so much the initial offer, but the way she would become fixated on it and not take no for an answer. It's nice to offer someone something, but if they say they're happy to wait, or not to worry about it, that isn't a cue to try and force them to take it. It makes the other person feel bad, and often the little 'argument' turns them right off whatever it was anyway, so it's not even doing them a favour. I'm sure you didn't enjoy the paper or the bath!

This is exactly why I felt frustrated! It's not that I didn't recognise that it was kind of her to offer, but that when I said, "No, you are already in your towel and in the bathroom, you go first" she became fixated on her offer and refused to take no for an answer, even to the extent of running out of the bathroom to try and force me into going first when she knew I didn't want to.

And yes you are right, the argument made me feel bad and I didn't feel much like a bath afterwards anyway, but felt like I should take one after all the fuss.

I think YANBU for finding this frustrating. I do think your sister is trying, although I think she's trying to seem nice and generous, rather than be nice and generous iyswim, which isn't ideal, but it's still better than being selfish. If she was selfish before chances are she won't be able to keep this up for long anyway, so I'd just let it run it's course.

The problem is, because of my sisters learning difficulties

1. She becomes fixated on things frequently, so thats fairly normal for her
2. I'm not always sure she understands the difference between seeming nice and generous and being nice and generous.

She takes a lot of what she does from the world around her, especially TV. She will often quote phrases said on TV, because she thinks that is how people actually talk to each other. So if she has e.g. seen a person letting someone else go first, she will assume that that is appropriate for every situation, because she is unable to make the distinction between when it is appropriate for the situation, and when it isn't.

I wish I could make her understand that I know she was genuinely try to be nice, whilst explaining why it made me feel bad and I don't want her to do it again.

You don't ask someone how long they're going to be with the paper! that's very rude...you leave them to it!

Honesty? You sound like a nightmare to be honest!! I wouldn't want someone asking me when I would be finished with a paper i was reading or whether i had got in the bath or not.

Your DS is probably just responding the way she does for a quiet life.

Are you like this with her about a lot of things? You sound quite oppressive actually. I feel a bit stressed just thinking about what it might be like for your DS!!

Sorry but perhaps just leave her alone a bit?

You're in a difficult situation, OP. You're stuck living with someone who makes you resentful and unhappy.

BUT, you are being very unreasonable. You've told your sister what you want and she is clearly bending over backwards to give it to you. And now you don't like it because it makes you feel guilty.

You seem to be expecting her to be able to fine tune her changes of behaviour, in order to find a balance between not being selfish and not making you feel selfish. Many less socially aware NT adults would struggle with being made responsible for the minutiae of someone else's feelings like that.

You say you just want support, but you also say you want to find a way of dealing with this. People have made suggestions. If the way you're going about things isn't working, then you need to try something else, not wait for her to "get it". In the campaign about children with SN, one early suggestion was "You change because you can." You are NT and in a better position to try to make changes on this issue. She has tried and it apparently hasn't worked out as you would like.

I don't see why you needed to ask her about the paper. It seems fairly clear that someone who is trying, very specifically, to be unselfish, would then feel pressured to hand it over. If someone asked me how long I was going to be, I would feel the need to hand it over or hurry. The only purpose behind that question is to make the other person aware that you are waiting.

In terms of the bath, maybe you need to be very clear about the purpose of your question. "Are you having a bath or a shower? If it's a bath I'll put the immersion heater on for a bit."

Making a big, fundamental personality change is difficult. She's trying. Now you need to try as well.

Learning difficulties also cover social difficulties and finding it difficult to express one's self in an effective way. If you have told her to not be selfish, her natural reaction will be to SHOW you that she is trying not to be selfish.

You then say you want her to treat you as an equal, as a sister, blah blah blah...well, if that was the case, why did you pick holes in her personality in the first place

And please stop treating your sister like she is stupid. And please stop asking her questions which will DELIBERATELY make you upset. And please stop being g a bitch.

OP I read your other thread and I think you are coming across as a bit controlling.

The language you use is also very telling:

"Am I unreasonable to not want my sister to be "friends" with him"

"Whilst I obviously want her to be happy, part of me doesn't want her to be in a relationship"

I understand you care and worry about your sister, but I think you need to stop focusing on what you "want" for her.

And what poppy said.

You sound harder work than she does op!

How rude to pester someone about how long they are going to take reading the paper! Just quietly wait your turn. Have some manners.

And please stop treating your sister like she is stupid. And please stop asking her questions which will DELIBERATELY make you upset. And please stop being g a bitch.

I could totally say the same for you. You know absolutely nothing about my situation, you have never met either me or my sister, and yet you fee the need to make nasty comments.

Get over yourself already.

How rude to pester someone about how long they are going to take reading the paper! Just quietly wait your turn. Have some manners.

Like, I've said, normal for my family. Just because you don't do it in your family doesn't make it wrong for mine.

OP I read your other thread and I think you are coming across as a bit controlling.

The language you use is also very telling:

"Am I unreasonable to not want my sister to be "friends" with him"

"Whilst I obviously want her to be happy, part of me doesn't want her to be in a relationship"

I understand you care and worry about your sister, but I think you need to stop focusing on what you "want" for her.

I want her to be happy, is that so terrible really? Who wouldn't want their sister to be happy?

Rather than write nasty comments, it would be good if someone could come up with a practical way I could explain to my sister that I do know she was trying, but what she did did make me unhappy, so I would rather she didn't keep doing that so I wouldn't be unhappy.

Either that or I will continue to hide my unhappiness and go to my room and cry whilst she sits in the living room completely oblivious to the fact that I am upset.

Have you considered OP that your sister's desperation to please you might be rooted in the fact that she feels really guilty about your joint living situation?

Perhaps she feels terrible that she needs to be living with you? Do you meet some of her support needs perhaps?

Anyway, however it is for you both, it really doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic for either of you. There is an obvious power imbalance and you are both unhappy.

If you are in the UK you could contact your local Adult Social Services and ask for her to be assessed. Explain that neither of you are coping well. They will have a statutory duty to assess you both, you are carer and your DS a person in need of services.

If you don't meet criteria for social care services they might be able to point you in the direction of other kinds of support. Emotional, practical etc.

Have just read your recent post stressedsister it really sounds like you could do with some additional support. Both of you. Are you in the UK? Does your sister have a specific diagnosis?

We live with our parents.

I am not (yet) her carer.

But it feels like it sometimes.

I feel (perhaps unreasonably) that I constantly have to be looking out for her, especially in public, to try and prevent her from being inappropriate.

And one solution would be just for me to let go, and let her be inappropriate. But that is harder than it sounds.

A few weeks ago she was making homophobic comments to friends (some of whom are LGBT), and I felt I had to diffuse the situation. I could have continued letting her make those comments, but as her sister I feel both the need to try and help her behave appropriately in public, and to avoid those friends getting upset.

Maybe I am wrong and should have just ignored the inappropriate comments?

You say she has learning difficulties well maybe if you explained why you wanted to know times and when she would be finished she would have given you the answers you wanted.
So basically she couldn't do right for doing wrong even after she had modified her behaviour to suit you and your still moaning about her!
Glad your not my sister! I think your the martyr!

You need to step back from your sister. It's not your place to decide if she is or isn't allowed a relationship.

If you asked me bout the paper I'd hand it over because I'd feel like you were waiting for it and I'd feel uncomfortable. Same with the bath.

You sound pissed off over the relationship and you're taking that out on the bath and paper. Haven't read the thread, but learning difficulties or not she has a right to a relationship and she has a right to negotiate the difficulties and problems around a relationship in any way she sees fit.

You need to step back and disengage.

I feel not just us, but the whole family could do with support, because the whole family dynamic is unpleasant. However my parents are very stoic, and therefore would never accept help.

My sister has been led to believe by my family that because she cannot help her behaviour, and therefore cannot change, it is me as the NT sibling who should be the only one seeking help, that I need to change.

And whilst I can accept that I need the support, I think she and the rest of the family would benefit just as much. Telling me that it is my problem and that I am the only one who needs to change just makes me more unhappy.

X- post. There's a difference between wanting your sister to be happy in the abstract, as I do for my brother, and feeling that you are responsible for her happiness. You're in the latter mindset and that's where your problems are coming from I think.