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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think husband is lying

67 replies

Arnie123 · 23/08/2013 13:31

Husband quit smoking a year ago but recently I have seen him with a few crafty cigarettes. I have offered support and got him to see the doctor who gave him patches. Today I went to see him while walking the dogs and he had a packet of cigarettes the normal brand he buys on the pram. I quizzed him about it and he said he found them on the floor and picked them up. I do not believe this as he is registered blind and is someone who drops litter rather than cleaning up. I am aware I am being a control freak but I am really worried about smoking around my son as he has had one cot death already. Do you think he is lying?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 23/08/2013 13:33

More than likely.

Libertine73 · 23/08/2013 13:35

Yes, sounds like it, but he's an adult, why should he have to lie about relapsing?

If he's just smoking outside there is no risk to your son, does he want to stop or is it you that wants him to?

pooka · 23/08/2013 13:36

Yes probably.

But you have to be aware that no matter how much you nag or offer support, the desire to quit has to come from him. If he's lying about it, then the lying obviously is hurtful. But if you see it frm his perspective, how would you react if he was upfront about being a smoker? If it would cause arguments and criticism, then it's possible to understand why he has lied.

Would it help to set ground rules I.e. fine, you smoke. But you must never smoke while you are with dc, in the house, in an enclosed space with the dcs etc.

MortifiedAdams · 23/08/2013 13:37

He probably is smoking again but if he wants to smoke I dobt see how or why you could stop him.

The lying would piss me off tho - MrArnie, man up and just say yes!

WeAreSix · 23/08/2013 13:40

Libertine73, you are wrong that there is no risk to the child if he smokes outside. The chemicals in cigarette smoke are on clothes, hands and in hair. The risks of passive smoking are there regardless where he is smoking.

Sorry you're going through this OP, hope you soon find resolve.

Vintagebeads · 23/08/2013 13:43

DH tried the "oh I was in the car with someone who smoked" I fell for it for two weeks.
I was fit to kill him when I caught him smoking, not over the smoking but over lying.

Your DH is lying.

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2013 13:44

he's blind and he takes the dog out walking and you're worried about him smoking?

ilovesooty · 23/08/2013 13:45

Obviously not smoking would be the optimum scenario but in his position I think I'd lie through my teeth as well

Original poster
Arnie123 · 23/08/2013 13:46

What about e cigs are they safe? May buy him some of those. What upset me the most is he swore on my sons life he was not smoking

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 23/08/2013 13:48

Why can't he buy his own Ecigs and make his own decisions?

Original poster
Arnie123 · 23/08/2013 13:51

Because he is blind and therefore cannot drive and I know where the shop is

OP posts:
Libertine73 · 23/08/2013 13:53

I loathe anyone swearing on their kids lives about anything

WayHarshTai · 23/08/2013 13:55

Who's had one cot death already?

ilovesooty · 23/08/2013 13:56

Driving him there is different. Facilitating his decisions is one e thing. Making them for him is another.

Oh and the local shop is rarely the best place anyway.

He's blind. He hasn't lost the capacity to think.

ilovesooty · 23/08/2013 13:57

Do some research online. Ecig choice and experience is a very personal thing.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 23/08/2013 14:01

Is your son only yours? Is he the step Dad?

firesidechat · 23/08/2013 14:53

he's blind and he takes the dog out walking and you're worried about him smoking?

Both of my parents are blind. Somehow they have managed to work, manage a home and bring up 3 children. People with a disability learn a lot of coping strategies along the way to enable them to operate in the real world. Walking a dog would be a doddle.

Sorry for the above, but it bugs me a bit when anyone with disabilities is underestimated.

firesidechat · 23/08/2013 14:55

However I am confused that the OPs husband can walk the dog, but not find the shop to buy his own Ecigs.

Original poster
Arnie123 · 23/08/2013 15:31

There are no e cig shops in our local area and it would require a trip in the car

OP posts:
IvanaCake · 23/08/2013 15:34

I'm confused about the cot death. Who's had one already?

WhereBeThatBlackbirdTo · 23/08/2013 15:39

I read it as the OP was walking the dogs.

As to the cot death, well, as Ivana says, who had one already?

GhostsInSnow · 23/08/2013 15:45

You tend to find that people will only give up smoking when they want to. DH nagged me for years resulting in many failed attempts and many times I've been a 'secret smoker' because of it.

I knew if I admitted that I actually enjoyed a cigarette and I wasn't ready to give up I'd face constant digs and hints over it. So I did it in secret.

When I finally decided I was ready I gave up quickly and easily, but the decision needed to come from me. If your DH feels the need to smoke in secret then I think you are pushing him too hard. He needs to get there himself.

pudcat · 23/08/2013 15:53

Perhaps your husband is having the odd cigarette to stop himself from drinking. I would be worried that he is beginning to suffer from depression, you have said some worrying things about him in the last few weeks.

pianodoodle · 23/08/2013 15:55

It is an addiction. Unfortunately being cross with the person won't make them any less addicted. It's hard to quit and he probably is still smoking from the sounds of it.

GhostsInSnow · 23/08/2013 15:56

I used to do it in anger. I'd be happily smoke free for 6 months or more but on having words with DH or my Mother and I'd instantly need a cigarette, go out and buy 10, feel guilty, smoke them in secret, feel even more guilty then give up again.

There were triggers for me. These days I don't think about smoking at all, even when I am angry. You do get through it but as I say it needs to be on your own terms really.