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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my boyfriend can stay over?

72 replies

someonestolemynick · 21/08/2013 01:41

I'm asking as a live in au pair.

Family I'm with is usually lovely and we are on very good terms but their communication is awful [long suffering].

Anyway, I have been told I'm not going to be needed during the holidays (so have worked more in part time job, enjoyed the time off etc ).
Should also add that I am on a "no boyfriends to stay overnight" agreement.

So, this evening (thinking I'm not going to be needed over the holidays) bf and I made plans to get together tomorrow evening. Getting home I'm being told they need me to watch kids on thursday morning from 8am (meaning I either have to come home tomorrow evening or leave bf's place at 7am).

I really don't begrudge them extra babysitting time (when I'm not actually working) but wish they would have told me earlier (they knew...) so I could have made other arrangements (bf is currently working a lot and it's probably going to be the only day we meet this week.

Bf is allowed to visit (family have met him), just not to stay overnight. I have been with them for just under a year and was with bf before starting with them (just over a year).

I feel as if I'm doing them a favour, so would re-negotiating the no boyfriends rule be U?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 21/08/2013 02:41

Ah, tricky! I can't see that they would be comfortable to change the stay over rule and wouldn't imagine that they will. But if they've told you they didn't need you and you made other plans then you're entitled to do that! I think you just need to explain this situation to them, and I guess the outcome is either he stays (unlikely) or someone else's minds the kids, OR they pay you extra to compensate for you dropping your plans and they have a bit more thought for you next time.

livinginwonderland · 21/08/2013 07:07

I think it wouldn't hurt to ask. The worst they could do is say no and you'd just have to re-arrange your plans slightly. YANBU to ask, but YWBU to expect them to agree :)

ZillionChocolate · 21/08/2013 07:31

"Very sorry, you said you didn't need me so I have plans for the night before. The only way I could do it is if bf stays over, I know that you haven't wanted that before now".

diddl · 21/08/2013 07:40

Well, you could ask.

Although I wouldn't "blackmail" them-not if you are usually living with them & get on well with them.

Where does your boyfriend live?

If you aren't needed in the holidays, why aren't you staying with him to get time together?

Vivacia · 21/08/2013 07:40

I think you shouldn't ask. Either do it and abide by their rules or say you're afraid you can't, it's short notice and you've made arrangements.

Vivacia · 21/08/2013 07:43

Actually, my advice is based on the fact that I can't stand other people being in control, so I'd hate to put them in a position where they are 90% likely to say "no". By this point they'd know you can do, so they've got nothing to lose by saying no to the boyfriend and still getting you to babysit.
But you're not me, so this might be rubbish advice.

diddl · 21/08/2013 07:46

I agree with Vivacia-either babysit without him or tell them you have plans & that they gave too short notice.

Would leaving his at 7am really be such a problem?

pinkdelight · 21/08/2013 08:02

Um. What's so hard about leaving bf's place at 7am? It's leaving for work, at a time when lots of people leave for work. Am I missing something?

SPBisResisting · 21/08/2013 08:07

Just ask them. I dont suppose theyll mind if they've got to know him

marriedinwhiteisback · 21/08/2013 08:12

If they don't need you over the summer and you have a part-time job then this isn't really and au-pair arrangement is it? You have become a quasi lodger.

IME au-pair arrangements are good for a year max, after that the girs start to want to spread their wings more and the spirit of the arrangement starts to evaporate.

Agree with those who have said you either tell them you have made othr arangements and can't do short notice or you get back at 8. There's more to this I think. You are working part-time elsewhere. Are they still providing your accommodation and your food? Please don't tell me they are paying you your pocket money as well.

It would be a resounding no over the boyfriend from me btw.

ConfusedPixie · 21/08/2013 08:50

They're being twattish. That's too little notice and is day no if I were you. When I got that sort a notice my bosses would be really apologetic and allowed my boyfriend to stay if I had plans with him.

Original poster
someonestolemynick · 21/08/2013 11:54

Thanks.

Well, I had already said yes when they asked me (but with an 'you know you are really inconveniencing me' face Grin ).

The thing is they have been really supportive to me. It is not a classic au pair arrangement in that I have 'served my purpose' but they are very kindly allowing me to stay at there place rent free until I've sorted myself out for more income and place to stay. I feel I really owe them (hence me saying yes when asked yesterday).

I know babysitting tomorrow will decide '"dad's" future so really didn't feel like I can say no.

On the other hand I feel I have helped them out a lot, too. Being available (i.e. re-arranging my plans at very short notice - this is not the first time, taking kids out on my day off when "dad" needed to study).

I don't want to make them uncomfortable, but feel I could at least ask them to 'sweeten the blow' (it's not that tragic.

I suppose I can (and probably will in the end) leave hr'a place at 7. I have done so in the past and posters who suggested this are right, it's not going to kill me...

OP posts:
Mummyoftheyear · 21/08/2013 16:40

Agree with Zillion's wording but I'd assume that they'll say no, if I were you. Boyfriend rule is probably set because they don't want another man around the house, in the bathroom and with the children.
Are you paid for the holidays?
If not, they're doing you a favour to give board and lodging for no work.
I'd probably just leave your boyfriend's at 7am.

Original poster
someonestolemynick · 21/08/2013 17:53

,Mummyoftheyear,

I know they are doing me a favour which is why I agreed to do have the kids.

I am staying there for free at the moment and only do looking after as and when (less than once a week). I feel I am doing them a favour because they knew that "mum" had to work and "dad" had to go to uni long before and just assumed I would do it.

I wouldn't say anything, if it was a genuine emergency. If they had told me bf and I would have made plans for a different night and I would have looked after the kids without raising an eye brow.
Ah, it helps to rant. They are, I can't say it often enough lovely, warm and generous people, they just don't have the sense to communicate things to me with a reasonable ammount of notice.

OP posts:
StephenFrySaidSo · 21/08/2013 18:03

the plans that you have made with BF- I am guessing the plans are for you two to go somewhere? if so, why does that mean you then have to sleep in the same house/room afterwards? couldn't he just go to his place and you to yours afterwards? or even if the plans are just for you to sit in at his place, what is the problem leaving later on?

marriedinwhiteisback · 21/08/2013 20:48

Looking after less than once a week and living there rent free. Stop whining and start earning your keep. You sound unspeakably immature and entitled and had you been my au-pair and had I supported you lke that you would be out on your ear if I had realised what an ungrateful little madam you were. Beggars belief. Get on with itn be polite, and a teeny bit grateful that you aren't finding 150 plus for your rent, bills and food.

DropYourSword · 21/08/2013 21:51

Wow. Bet OP is glad she doesn't work for someone with an attitude like marriedinwhite!

StephenFrySaidSo · 21/08/2013 22:00

that's a pretty standard MIW response- i'm no longer surprised tbh.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/08/2013 23:45

Can't hurt to ask.

Original poster
someonestolemynick · 22/08/2013 01:28

marriedinwhite,

how am I being entitled?

I realise family is being very, very kind to me and I am helping them out (usually happily) as much as I can (eg. 'entertaining' the kids on days off, so "dad" can study).

My point is: "dad" knew about this event (with influence on his future), but told me I won't need you regularly from July, you can go ahead with booking more pt work and do your own thing (paraphrasing).

I only found out I was going to be needed, when I mentioned about seeing a play with bf this eve. They were probably planning to tell me this evening (or call me tomorrow morning in a panic [hmmm]).

It would have saved us all a lot of trouble, if he had said. "Won't need you regularly but please keep the following days free". So, I feel I'm allowed to be at least hacked off about their thoughtless lack of communication.

I also feel justified in feeling I'm doing them a favour by cutting time with bf short (had I known about babysitting we would have been able to do a different night) at a time where he is working at an intensive project and we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like to. Being quite close to them, I have mentioned this as well.

So part of me would have wanted them to offer me the option of inviting him back (I'm just realising that now) rewarding, if you want, my flexibility with theirs.

I did (as you can tell) go back home at a reasonable...ish time and didn't ask as I understand their reasons for no bf but will be requesting (again) that they let me know about having the kids, as soon as they know and might ask about bf coming over when it feels less like blackmail.

Thank you everyone, who responded.

OP posts:
Original poster
someonestolemynick · 22/08/2013 01:30

DropYourSword,

I did briefly, I'm not working for them anymore Grin

OP posts:
ChippingInHopHopHop · 22/08/2013 01:39

How old are the children?

How much longer are you going to be living there? Do they need you come Sept?

Original poster
someonestolemynick · 22/08/2013 01:44

Chilren are 5 & 9.

I am probably going to stay until end of the year, providing childcare as and when needed (not regularly).

OP posts:
Monty27 · 22/08/2013 01:46

I would say I'm staying with my bf as he is off work.

See what they come back with.

brdgrl · 22/08/2013 01:58

Just don't ask.
You really do have a very good deal at the moment.

Your complaints would be valid, maybe, if you were actually still working for them more than as and when needed (not regularly).

If they had never mentioned boyfriends and staying over, I'd say it couldn't hurt to ask. Given that they have a (very understandable) rule in place about it, and given that you are being given so much latitude already, I would think it cheeky to even ask.

Seriously...I think you should keep a smile on your face and get up at 7 AM and be very, very grateful. You aren't 'doing them a favour', truly, they are doing you a massive favour, and you are making a small effort to repay that favour. It's not much.