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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if my boyfriend can stay over?

72 replies

someonestolemynick · 21/08/2013 01:41

I'm asking as a live in au pair.

Family I'm with is usually lovely and we are on very good terms but their communication is awful [long suffering].

Anyway, I have been told I'm not going to be needed during the holidays (so have worked more in part time job, enjoyed the time off etc ).
Should also add that I am on a "no boyfriends to stay overnight" agreement.

So, this evening (thinking I'm not going to be needed over the holidays) bf and I made plans to get together tomorrow evening. Getting home I'm being told they need me to watch kids on thursday morning from 8am (meaning I either have to come home tomorrow evening or leave bf's place at 7am).

I really don't begrudge them extra babysitting time (when I'm not actually working) but wish they would have told me earlier (they knew...) so I could have made other arrangements (bf is currently working a lot and it's probably going to be the only day we meet this week.

Bf is allowed to visit (family have met him), just not to stay overnight. I have been with them for just under a year and was with bf before starting with them (just over a year).

I feel as if I'm doing them a favour, so would re-negotiating the no boyfriends rule be U?

OP posts:

brdgrl · 22/08/2013 02:01

This - I feel I am doing them a favour because they knew that "mum" had to work and "dad" had to go to uni long before and just assumed I would do it. - of course they assumed you would do it. Your new and very generous agreement is to provide childcare "as and when needed". They need it, and they have given you more than 24 hours notice, but you don't want to have to get up at 7 AM?

ihearsounds · 22/08/2013 02:21

He doesn't need to stay over.
Many people over the years have stayed overnight with the boyfriend, having loads of fun, and little sleep, but still had to get up at stupid oclock and get to work. It's a part of life.

You are not doing them a favour at all. You are providing a service for them on a ad hoc basis for free board...

But yes by all means. Moan to them about how its not fair. Just don't be surprised if this gives them a wake up call and they ask you to leave, thus freeing up a room and a little bit extra income.

Original poster

someonestolemynick · 22/08/2013 02:28

brdgrl,

I think you are missing the point.

It's not the 7am start, it's the fact that I have been given very little notice and that only because I happened to mention I had plans). It's the fact they knew about it, but somehow didn't think I would make plans (again emergencies would be different and I would have them happily get me out of be at 5am, if it was an emergency).

I don't think, that because they are usually exceptionally kind to me, this gives them unlimited rights over my time (they don't think that, btw but some people on here seem to).

To me informing someone, they are going to be needed at certain date when you find out, is just basic consideration. I am making allowances for the family, because it is a stressful time for them but really I need to be able to plan ahead within reason. I would get in trouble with other job, if I had to cancel booked shifts on a regular basis, and I could have easily done that.

OP posts:

brdgrl · 22/08/2013 02:37

I agree - the 7 AM start is not the point at all.

You say that you are meant (in return for your room and board) to be providing childcare 'as and when needed' but not regularly. What, honestly, do you think that means? When mutually agreed upon and arranged a week in advance? They've not called you and asked you to come over on an hour's notice - they asked you more than 24 hours in advance to fulfill an obligation you really do have to them in the first place.

You are 'making allowances' for them? You are 'doing them a favour'? 'Basic consideration'?
I think you are really out of line and the fact that you see yourself as the aggrieved party here is shocking. YABVVVU.

Original poster

someonestolemynick · 22/08/2013 02:52

brdgrl,

if they know about it a week in advance, I expect to know about with a reasonable amount of notice. I live with them it's not that hard to just tell me (for example when I'm putting my food shopping away ...)

If someone is being kind to me, that does not put me at their disposal for all eternity (luckily they don't see it like that). Communicating their needs to me makes it easier for me to accommodate them.

I hope, that you don't really feel doing people a kindness gives you all sorts of rights on your terms and your terms only.

OP posts:

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 22/08/2013 03:55

OP, I have children the ages of the ones you are looking after and we will shortly be on our fifth AP.

How much do you care if they rethink their attitude towards their arrangement with you, i.e. basically decide it's not worth the agro?

PeriodMath · 22/08/2013 04:04

Why do you have to spend the night with your boyfriend? Do you absolutely have to have sex that night?

diddl · 22/08/2013 06:48

Plenty of people have a night out & work the next day.

Doesn't your boyfriend have to work?

It's shit that they asked with short notice, but then if you are living there, & expected to give child care "as & when"-maybe you should be asking them when it's convenient for you to go out?

themaltesefalcon · 22/08/2013 08:28

OP, you are getting a very, very good deal. Please don't jeopardise it by not upholding your side of this extremely unonerous agreement. And I say that as someone who sympathises with the au pair, in what are usually patently exploitative arrangements.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 22/08/2013 08:50

someonestolemynick - you are coming across as ungrateful and very very 'young' - childlike. You are not doing them a massive favour, you are doing what you have agreed to do (very very little), in return for accommodation (and I'm unclear on whether that's board & 'pocket money' or not?!). They are being incredibly generous in allowing you to live there (rent free) for the very occasional bit of childminding.

However, if one ignores the way you have written your posts and hears your actual 'complaint' you are not being at all unreasonable. All you want, is for them to tell you when they need you, as soon as they know. It's not a big ask. YANBU.

Is there any reason you don't want to/can't live with your boyfriend? Or get a proper job and pay for accommodation?

If you are going to keep living there, then you need to talk to them and discuss how this is going to work - because they can't expect you to be 'on call' 24/7 at short notice (esp for pre planned stuff) as you need to be able to accept other work and make other personal plans and in return you need to offer them the flexibility that makes this arrangement worth their while.

It sounds like you generally get on well with them - talk to them.

ourlittlestreet · 22/08/2013 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 22/08/2013 10:31

You really, really don't get it. You sound very immature and very spoilt. All of your language is about how you are helping them, accommodating them, making allowances for them - it's remarkable. Forget about being "at their disposal for all eternity" (massive eye-roll!) How about living up to your agreement to provide 'as needed' childcare, for the duration of the time you are living with them?

if you are living there, & expected to give child care "as & when"-maybe you should be asking them when it's convenient for you to go out?
Exactly that.

However, I am changing my advice. I now think you should talk to them. I think they should know exactly what it is you expect from them. Good luck with your move!

Monty27 · 22/08/2013 21:49

How old are you OP?

Reading this again, I think you might be breaking the agreement for your free room.

Vivacia · 22/08/2013 22:10

marriedinwhite seems confused. Au pairs aren't "girls" who get "pocket money".

PeriodMath · 22/08/2013 22:28

OP you sound as juvenile as the children you look after.

These people are the ones doing you the favour not the other way round.

PumpkinPositive · 22/08/2013 22:35

Sounds a bit like a Zero Hours contract ... except they're paying you (in the form of a free room) for the hours you're not working.

Are they aware of your other job and the need to have some notice vis-a-vis that?

BrianTheMole · 22/08/2013 22:38

Crikey, you're living in their house for nothing and they have given you 24 hours notice for the childcare. That seems reasonable to me. They're doing you a massive favour by letting you live there free without you needing to do much at all.

BrianTheMole · 22/08/2013 22:40

if you are living there, & expected to give child care "as & when"-maybe you should be asking them when it's convenient for you to go out?

^^^
Exactly this!

fuckwittery · 22/08/2013 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomebodyBrokeThat · 22/08/2013 23:02

For what it's worth OP, I agree with you in principle with regards to notice, if they have known for a while it just makes sense to mention it ASAP, especially as they have told you to take on extra work where you can.
To those who think you should be at their beck and call because you live rent free - we currently have a family member staying with us rent free who helps out with childcare when they can, does this mean I should expect them to help out whenever I ask regardless of prior plans?

solarbright · 22/08/2013 23:13

Don't ask them to let bf stay overnight - that was clearly pretty important to them, and if you're staying rent free I wouldn't push that one.

In this case, I'd get up at 7am and do the babysitting. It's not an unreasonable time or an unreasonable request, made with 24 hours notice. In their (more mature) minds, they probably don't see it as an inconvenience at all. You go to boyfriend's place the night before, then you leave for work at 7am. What's the problem?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 22/08/2013 23:38

Solar - well, she had planned to spend the day with her Bf who is otherwise working a lot at the moment and could have rearranged had she had more notice.

I just think it's rude of them to know they need her to mind the kids, but not bother telling her as soon as they know, thereby meaning she has to change plans when it could have been avoided. It's just common decency surely. She has already said she would be happy to do it at short notice if they only had short notice - but in this case they just didn't bother to tell her and they have said to her to get other work & that she's not needed for the summer, she can't just sit around 'just in case'.

Original poster

someonestolemynick · 23/08/2013 03:35

Shall I venture in again?

I would like to clarify first of all, that my 'immature attitude' is aimed at people who believe letting someone stay rent -free at their house gives them first dips on my every move. The don't think that and are usually more reasonable.

I think it was a case of 'I thought x told you, I thought Y told you' at a slightly manic period for everyone involved.

They know I have pt job (the deal is for me to increase pt work, so I can move out around the end of the year.) So according to many posters it would be in their best interest to keep me in the know :D.

The op was written after the following conversation took place.

Someone: Oh, by the way going to see show with bf tomorrow evening, will be staying over so don't wait for me to barricade the doors.
Mum: oh. I have to go to work tomorrow and husband needs to do this thing to do with his course that will have impact on his future. Didn't husband tell you?
Someone: oh, when do you need me back here.
Mum: Don't know, maybe around 11. Will ask husband and let you know asap.

So hey 11, not too bad...it would cut lazy post-theatre lie in short but hey.
Shortly afterwards I approach dad and hear it's 8am and didn't wife tell you and I wouldn't normally do this but you would really etc...

So, of course I agreed (in my juvenile ingratitude) went to my room feeling a little and then coming up with this in hindsight not very thought-out plan (for practical reasons).

I still feel justified in my general wish to be notified of their plans when they know them to notify me. My deal does not involve being on call for non-emergencies.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 23/08/2013 06:30

Why don't you just move out if you don't like it?

Vivacia · 23/08/2013 06:31

That sounds harsh, I just meant it as a genuine question.

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