to ask if my boyfriend can stay over?

[someonestolemynick]

I'm asking as a live in au pair.

Family I'm with is usually lovely and we are on very good terms but their communication is awful [long suffering].

Anyway, I have been told I'm not going to be needed during the holidays (so have worked more in part time job, enjoyed the time off etc ).
Should also add that I am on a "no boyfriends to stay overnight" agreement.

So, this evening (thinking I'm not going to be needed over the holidays) bf and I made plans to get together tomorrow evening. Getting home I'm being told they need me to watch kids on thursday morning from 8am (meaning I either have to come home tomorrow evening or leave bf's place at 7am).

I really don't begrudge them extra babysitting time (when I'm not actually working) but wish they would have told me earlier (they knew...) so I could have made other arrangements (bf is currently working a lot and it's probably going to be the only day we meet this week.

Bf is allowed to visit (family have met him), just not to stay overnight. I have been with them for just under a year and was with bf before starting with them (just over a year).

I feel as if I'm doing them a favour, so would re-negotiating the no boyfriends rule be U?

But as the 'emergency' childcare is only once a week, well, its not a massive deal is it?

I'd just say to them, that as you're now working part-time, could they give you plenty of notice if possible of when they'll need you so you don't let anyone down.

But realistically, if the deal is free board and lodgings for the occastional bit of ad hoc childcare, well, I think you either get on with it or find somewhere else to live quicker.

True, it really isn't a massive deal (but I'd argue it would be, if it happened every week). I wasn't angry with them, I never once said I wouldn't look after the kids but I don't think I had no right to be a bit annoyed about it.

I like living with them. I like looking after the kids. The "notice thing" for longstanding arrangements is a little bit of a theme (works out 80 % of the time,).

I wouldn't ask for the bf to stay over - while I can see this is not ideal for you (because yes, they should have told you earlier that they needed you, in case you'd booked a shift at your pt work, for example) you really are getting a pretty good deal and you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

Given that it was an oversight and not a deliberate attempt to treat you like a skivvy, I would let it go and just ask once again that they give you as much notice as possible just in case you are working elsewhere. Maybe stress that you don't want to have to let anybody down or be seen as unreliable by either of your employers.

If you are just staying until the end of the year, then I think you should just live with it and move out asap. It would be more of an issue if this was your permanent job.

I leave for work at 7am every morning, so no sympathy there!

I know you said that this isn't the issue, but it seems to me to be a very simple solution.
You get to go out with you bf, stay at his place overnight and you're back in your workplace when your employer (loosely put) needs you.

Boxes ticked for everyone.

It sounds as if there was a genuine miscommunication on their part on a single occasion. Doesn't seem as if springing things on you with only 24 hours notice is going to be their MO, so I would definitely set all feelings of hard done by-ness aside.

And no, don't ask for the boyfriend to stay over. Leaving for work one morning at 7am isn't going to kill you.

Oh yes, expecting to be treated with basic respect really makes me entitled, doesn't it *sniffand...?

Disclaimer: I AM being treated with respect by family, if they didn't I would be somewhere else.
I never once said I felt hard done by, merely slightly inconvenienced (on the evening majorly inconvenienced, but once I'd slept on it...).

What I find really shocking here is the attitude of posters (some of whom actually employ Au Pairs by the looks of it). Shocking that you trust someone with your kids for whom you have so much contempt. The problem is really, that when it comes to Au Pairing the power lies firmly with the family (If you don't like it, you can always leave.).
This is not my first Au Pair placement and had to learn to 'interview' my employers for levels of consideration and have become very good at avoiding the 'my box room for your soul brigade' like plague and not bothered about walking away from the entitled.

Parents get a very good deal with me (sorry for being aware of that). I have been very popular with all children I minded whilst enforcing parent's brief. I am accommodating and flexible, I offered and provided family free extra hours when I heard (not from them) that mum planned to take time off during last school holidays because they couldn't afford to pay me extra hours and would be losing out on salary herself. I regularly take kids out or entertain when I am off duty so parents get a break or 'dad' gets some quiet time to study at home, I do these things because they are the kindest, most generous people I know and I want them to feel that are getting back what they are putting in (without mentioning this to them).

I have no problem admitting that I would have dragged my heels a lot more for people with an attitude problem knowing that on balance people have an interest in keeping me.

On this occasion, I thought it would be fair to combine my being flexible without cutting day with bf short. In the light of day this would have resulted in my having to kick bf out early or coming close to a birds and bees conversation that the kids should probably be having with parents. So I realise now, it wasn't one of my best ideas. If you look at my op, you will notice that the question was should I ask (with the option of the saying no) not should I smuggle him in or tell parents I'm taking him because I didn't want them to feel pressured into agreeing.

Sorry for the novel, I felt the need to explain my entitlement assertiveness yet again.

Ummm....all that's missing is the CV from this personal statement!

I don't really see the issue. You still get your night out but not to spend it with the boyf.

I think if any employed woman here was on holiday from work and then was suddenly expected to just turn up at short notice they'd find it completely unreasonable. Not sure why, because you're an au pair, all of a sudden different rules apply, and that there's a huge expectation for you to even be grateful you have a job.

Also can't believe people asking why you 'need' to spend the night with your boyfriend. Can you not remember being young and in love!!!

Drop She's not properly employed, they are doing her a favour, not the other way round!

You sound like a really nice and considerate person, as do your employers, I would be really uncomfortable with a man that I don't know really well being in the house when my young kids woke up also having to explain to them why he spent night in your room, they are a bit young, so although you are not BU, I wouldn't ask.

Looking after less than once a week and living there rent free. Stop whining and start earning your keep. You sound unspeakably immature and entitled and had you been my au-pair and had I supported you lke that you would be out on your ear if I had realised what an ungrateful little madam you were

OMG! That is one of the most horrible replies I have ever seen!!

someone

I have just read your very articulate and reasonable response.

I would employ you like a shot. You are clearly a willing, helpful and intelligent young women who is valued by her employer. Who at the same time is forging a life with a boyfriend and a social life.

Ignore the negative comments.

I would frankly want my child to be cared for by someone who 'has a life' who is able to be assertive and trated respectfully like an equal.

I would never have the attitude that I am employing a 'girl' for 'pocket money' to look after my children. I would never wqant to raise my child in an environment like that.

If ANYONE is going to get any sense of entitlement hear it is the child of the person who posted that comment about OP being a madam. Jesus. I am fucking furious that people feel they can speak to people like this.

ignore the typos. I'm angry typing and breaking keys on keyboard....:)

"I would never have the attitude that I am employing a 'girl' for 'pocket money' to look after my children."

Did you even read the thread? The family do not require the OP for her previous position but have kindly chosen to keep her on.

Yep. I read it.

It sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement and OP provides babysitting at short notice to somewhat disorganised family. No problem wither side there. OP recognises that she has an obligation but felt a little bit fed up with short notice request and wanted to gauge whether a compromise might be o.k in this situation as she wants to spend the night with her boyfriend. What is wrong with that exactly?

My offence at the 'girl' for 'pocket money' comment made by marriedinwhiteagain was general offence and didn't relate to the O.P. I was upset by the omment that MIW made.

I felt the whole tone of the comment was frankly hideous.

phew, thanks for your kind responses and the re-assurance that I'm not actually that much of an ungrateful, little house room-scrounger.

I think I probably got tempers up by the 'doing them a favour' comment. I stand by that, by the way. I was doing them a favour (happily in the grand scheme of things) and don't think there was anything wrong with that. I'm aware that they are also doing me a favour by letting me stay for free until I sort myself out.

What's wrong with doing each other favours (and repaying them)?

OP

What's wrong with doing each other favours (and repaying them)?

Nothing. you sound lovely actually. did you get a plan sorted in then end?

I went out with bf and returned home. I HATE getting up early and do so only when I absolutely have to and would have been a grouch to bf and dc, if I had spent the night there and left at 7.

Luckily bf got some time off yesterday, so we had our day together this week anyway (and everyone is living happily ever after )

Hooray!

I hope you never have to contend with some of the employers on here! I am shocked that people can be so nasty.

Good luck with your next move.