Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

190 replies

SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 14:19

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. :(

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. :(

OP posts:
Silverfoxballs · 20/08/2013 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InternationalPower · 20/08/2013 18:09

I thought that to Yoni. Either the "affair" is so open and common knowledge that the pictures are unremarkable or the poster of the pictures has a nasty streak - if the infidelity is as obvious as op says

Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 18:15

Thanks, thebody that's really helpful Hmm

These are three separate photos, apparently taken over a period of time (different people as the subject in the foreground of all three, so not three taken rat-tat-tat of the same subject with not much time to move inbetween IYSWIM) and in all three of them he is touching this woman in a way that I would feel very uncomfortable if I saw my husband touching another woman in the same way. They look intimate. I appreciate it's hard to get across without you seeing the photos and I accept that any one of them taken individually might be open to misinterpretation, but all three together seem much more damning.

Of course, if I have read more into it than is actually there, then he will have an innocent and plausible explanation for it all if/when she speaks to him about it, and hopefully there will be no damage done.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 20/08/2013 18:19

You have done the right thing select.

thebody · 20/08/2013 18:23

she has out herself right in the middle i
of it though hasn't she?

thebody · 20/08/2013 18:23

she has out herself right in the middle
of it though hasn't she?

StuntGirl · 20/08/2013 18:27

I would want to know if I was the wife, and I couldn't stand by my friend while it was happening to them.

So as far as I'm concerned telling the wife is the only solution and I wouldn't care much if I was 'in the middle' of it or lost the friendship; it would be the right thing to do, imo.

thebody · 20/08/2013 18:28

er select. correct me if I am wrong but this is AIBU? you post and others agree or not with you.

I totally disagreed with you unthread on interfering here as photos can be very difficult to decipher. also it was a public place with other colleagues some of who presumably know both partners better than you.

you choose to do what you did rightly or wrongly, time will tell, and then tell me I am not helping to disagree with you.!

I hope this works out but what ever happens there are no winners here.

aibu is about opinions not all supporting a posters action.

harverina · 20/08/2013 18:30

Op you have done the right thing. My only concern is that she won't get the email for a while so I would send her a text too to let her know you have emailed her.

Those of you who are saying that the friend would find out anyway, therefore, the op should not say anything - that's irrelevant. I would hope that my friends would tell me that my husband was making a full of our relationship and me on front of all of his work colleagues, and would want to know that it has been advertised on Facebook too. The women will feel utterly humiliated as it is. I'm glad I don't have friends like you.

It's doesn't matter whether this is an affair or drunken mistake (of course it will matter to his wife) the friend deserves to know and to decide for herself what she will do about it.

harverina · 20/08/2013 18:30

Making a fool! Not full!

Amibambini · 20/08/2013 18:30

Hey OP. Just wanted to say that I think you've done the right thing.
The right thing to do is often the least easy thing to do.

My good mate had a philanderer husband, myself and few mates who knew took the 'protect her', and 'its not really our business' approach and didn't say anything. That was a really big mistake. It allowed him to get away with all sorts of shit, and she was so humiliated and let down when she found out and the whole house of cards came down. We are still friends but she was very hurt by us all being to pussy to say anything.

Good luck, I hope everything works out ok.

Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 18:33

I don't think I have put myself in the middle of anything.

I no longer work with them, I rarely see her. I don't feel as though I have any particular loyalty to him, he's not a friend, just an ex-colleague and "X's husband". He wasn't someone I spent time with when we worked together or wanted to keep in touch with in his own right, hence why I'm not friends with him on FB. I don't care if she tells him it was me who sent her the photos, I'm not going to apologise for it to him if he gets the hump about it. I'm not the one with my tongue down another woman's throat. If it turns out to be nothing and he contacts me in some way afterwards to say "what were you playing at?" I can tell him with a clear conscience that I was concerned for X, it didn't look innocent and that if the positions were reversed, I'd hope she would alert me.

Being objective, the worst that can happen to me is that X doesn't want to have anything to do with me or resents me for telling her. That would be incredibly sad and I hope it won't happen, but it's not as though we are best friends forever, live in each other's pockets or are each other's confidantes. And really, that's worse case scenario. Hopefully even if it is evidence of an affair, she will understand that I've done this out of concern and friendship with her ultimate interests at heart, even if it doesn't feel like that to her when she first sees the photos.

OP posts:
Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 18:44

Yes it is AIBU thebody, which is why I was careful to put "WWYD not AIBU" in the thread title. I appreciate that you have answered that by saying you would do differently. Apologies if I was short with you but having made my decision to act and psyched myself up to do it, I was feeling pretty crap and doubting myself afterwards which was why having it reiterated that you wouldn't have done that just felt like a bit of a kick when I was down. I appreciate you may not have meant it in that way.

The other people on the night out won't know her better than I do, she left the company before I did and kept in touch with very few people of whom I am probably the one with whom she has most frequent/closest contact. They will know him better than I do, but I see that as a reason why, having seen what I've seen, someone needs to be looking out for her. Some of the people on the night out won't even have worked there when she did so won't know her at all, or just as a name as "Thingy's wife". It's a place where the culture is for partners not to be invited to social events.

OP posts:
AmIGoingMad · 20/08/2013 18:47

I think you've done the right thing select and have obviously really thought it all through. I hope all works out ok for your friend.

Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 18:47

Sorry, meant to say thanks to everyone for your support, I am genuinely grateful that most of you seem to get this is a horrible position to be in. I'd still rather be in my position than X's if there isn't an innocent explanation, mind you.

Harverina good point about drawing her attention to the email, although I'm worried that might seem a bit like rubbing it in? Hard to articulate what I mean, but it feels almost like being too eager to drop the bad news bomb - does that make sense?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 20/08/2013 18:50

Well I think that's rather brave and you must be feeling terribly anxious now. Try and do something that will take your mind off it. GBBO tonight - perfect timing!!!!

Bodicea · 20/08/2013 19:00

I think it might be better to give her a call and tell her about the email. I personally would fond it a bit of a shock to open pictures like this without any prior warning.
Maybe tell you have seen something that has concerned you about her husband but think she should check emails before you say anymore.
At least then it softens the blow xxx

Bodicea · 20/08/2013 19:01

Also give her a chance to check emails in privacy x

Idespair · 20/08/2013 19:01

OP you have completely done the right thing. My h cheated with a colleague and everyone in his office knew outright or suspected. One of them told me and I am grateful. His motive for telling me was not great (he wanted the OW for himself instead of my dh having her and admitted this to me) but I can put that aside as it was important for me to know. At least he was honest!

Regardless of what happens to your friendship, you did the right thing and have behaved as a good friend. I think it's better by email as she will open it in her own time, without having to show you her reaction iyswim.

HurricaneWyn · 20/08/2013 19:02

I'm with Bodicea - I'd give her a ring. You said yourself it's a timebomb in her inbox. Just give your friend a heads up so it's not a total shock.

EllesAngel · 20/08/2013 19:15

OP I'd want you as a friend in this situation :)

Those who think you should say nothing I wouldn't want as friends at all.

EvaBeaversProtege · 20/08/2013 19:21

I think you did the right thing OP.

If it were me I'd rather know.

EvaBeaversProtege · 20/08/2013 19:23

I think you did the right thing OP.

If it were me I'd rather know.

worsestershiresauce · 20/08/2013 19:24

Tell her. My DH had an affair, and when discussing it afterwards one of my friends said had she known she wouldn't have told me as she wouldn't have wanted to end the friendship. My take on it was if she hadn't told me that would have ended the friendship. If you can't trust your husband, or trust your friends to tell you something so fundamental, what are you left with? Nothing.

thebody · 20/08/2013 19:26

ok op

I wouldn't do what you have done with all the evidence you have presented but I do totally think you feel you are doing the right thing and that's all that individuals can do.

hope your friend is ok and hope you are too.