Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

190 replies

SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 14:19

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. :(

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. :(

OP posts:
ViviPru · 20/08/2013 16:10

The pictures were taken in front of many people in a public place, and posted online to a wide readership..... It's just a matter of time before his DW knows, isn't it

I thought this. You sound caring and sensitive - someone's going to tell her, may as well be you.

StuntGirl · 20/08/2013 16:29

I would tell her.

A friend told me some horrible news once and did so genuinely believing it would mean the end of our friendship (similar shoot the messenger fears). I was angry, but absolutely not at her in the slightest.

And even if I had been, it wouldn't have made her decision to tell me wrong.

mynewpassion · 20/08/2013 16:30

Maybe someone wants to out him too that's why its all over fb.

Goldenhandshake · 20/08/2013 16:33

Show her the pictures, even if she doesn't thank you for it now, you are doing her a massive favour in the long run. Her husband is a cheating, disrespectful slime ball and someone needs to be on his wife's side, because he clearly isn't.

Sanctimummy · 20/08/2013 16:39

I would screen shot the photos down load them and send them to her via email and say I'm sorry these just appeared on my new s feed...thought you should know. If you need any thing let me know.

I wouldn't contact him at all.,.

^^ this.

Bogeyface · 20/08/2013 16:39

I cant help wondering if these photos being posted are as "accidental" as it seems........ If his behaviour is an open secret at work then perhaps someone has had enough of him making a fool of his wife and posted them in the hopes she would find out.

PeppermintPasty · 20/08/2013 16:40

Oh god, please at least phone her first. A text or email would seem so cold in this situation, even if meant kindly.

How awful. But I would want to know. Good luck with it.

mirai · 20/08/2013 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 17:13

Thanks all. I womanned up and sent the following email:

"Hi X. I saw some Facebook photos earlier of [her DH] which rang some alarm bells. I hope I'm worrying unnecessarily and it is something and nothing, but I thought it was best if you had a look at them for yourself.

If you need anything at all, you know where I am. Take care."

I really, really hope it was just a drunken one-off kiss and he 'fessed up straight away so she already knows. When I worked with him he had a bit of a reputation as a "player", first one to ask out the pretty new girl sort of thing, although AFAIK he wasn't involved with anyone already when he did. Tbh though I didn't exactly police his encounters. He was single when he first got together with my friend, I'm sure of that.

OP posts:
JulietBravoJuliet · 20/08/2013 17:15

I echo what others have said; I would want to know, but I agree you need to call or text her first, don't just email the photos.

However, I was looking through some photos from our work Christmas do last year, and there are two pics of me with a male colleague that look for all the world like we were kissing passionately, and I can categorically 100% say that I know we didn't! It was obviously a really unfortunate camera angle, but he had a hand on the back on my neck and was leaning in to say something to me over the music and we got snapped in the background looking like we were having a good old snog! I'm sure his wife would have been delighted to see those pictures! All I'm saying is make sure 100% that you are right before you rock the boat.

Ezio · 20/08/2013 17:22

How humiliating for your friend, if i saw my friends OH doing that on pictures, then i'd tell her, i couldnt call myself her friend if i didnt.

Sanctimummy · 20/08/2013 17:24

You did the right thing. Let us know how it goes.

Original poster
SelectAUserName · 20/08/2013 17:25

Too late, I've emailed them. We don't really have a chatting-on-the-phone friendship, it's almost entirely conducted via email and FB and the odd face-to-face chat over coffee when I make the journey to catch up with friends or family.

I feel shit now :( I should have been less of a coward and rung her. I've just left a timebomb in her inbox, haven't I?

Juliet There is no mistaking these photos, unfortunately. I double- and triple-checked when I first saw them in case it was exactly that 'unlucky camera angle' thing going on, but it's definitely a kiss, it's definitely arms around each other and it's definitely his hand on her arse :(

OP posts:
Sanctimummy · 20/08/2013 17:29

No you did the right thing. She has the photos there in front of her. No if's no but's that would occur in a conversation. It will be a shock, she'll feel like you did when you first saw them just 1 million times worse. But if they are what they appear to be, she'll thank you one day.

mynewpassion · 20/08/2013 17:34

Sometimes doing the right thing is shitty.

InternationalPower · 20/08/2013 17:39

I agree with Julliet. There are fb pictures of me sitting on a colleagues lap. We have heads close together, laughing and gazing into each other's eyes. We look deeply in love - the perfect couple except we are both married to others. In fact, after seeing it did wonder if he felt something I'd missed. It would certainly given OHs cause for concern.

In fact id stumbled, he'd caught me and id been on his lap for only a split second.

If there is more to it and he's being that blatant, especially among her ex colleagues she will already know

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/08/2013 17:39

You did the right thing. You're a goid friend. He's a shit. She will realise this (either immediately or eventually).

On behalf of someone who's been cheated on, thank you.

thebody · 20/08/2013 17:44

I wouldn't have done what you have.

as I said up thread these are photographs on a night out in full view of work collegues and could have been totally misconstrued.
you have no evidence of an affair. photos can look damming and not tell the whole story.
I hope your friend is ok.

OctopusPete8 · 20/08/2013 17:47

With it being there in photo evidence , I would show her.
As you can't guarantee who else will see it who knows her and it would be so humilating for her.
I wouldn't want to by omission, continue that bastards humilation of her.

Mckayz · 20/08/2013 17:48

I think you have done the right thing. I hope your friend is ok.

lborolass · 20/08/2013 17:48

I think you've done exactly the right thing, hopefully her DH will have already told her and the outcome will be the least worse one.

OctopusPete8 · 20/08/2013 17:57

Oh god, you did the right thing though. update us though.

I would have said , something along the lines of 'you didn't see this from me though'

I wouldn't be dragged in the middle of this mess, sorry if that sounds callous, you've done ur bit.

Yonionekanobe · 20/08/2013 18:02

Even if she knows as he confessed they both need to know these pictures are on Facebook.

Are you close to the person who posted them in the first place? Just thinking that if a married colleague did such a thing and I captured it on camera I'd think twice about posting them!

foreverondiet · 20/08/2013 18:03

I might tag him in the photo as her name. I don't think they will know who did the tagging.....Hmm

Sanctimummy · 20/08/2013 18:05

Oh they would know who did the tagging, it says 'tagged by xxxx' when you hover over the name.

It also says 'xxxx tagged you in so and so's photo' in notifications to the 'tag eee'

I think OP has done the right thing in the best way possible.